"Kasuka wouldn't do that…"
Izaya sat up and crossed his arms.
"Ah! Nii-chan is a perv. No great surprise there. And to think that I have him as a brother in law, it is so horrible. I've said it once and I will say it again: incest is wrong."
At this Namie dropped from the ceiling, somehow.
"Orihara! Stop saying that. Incest can be the purest form of unlimited love."
Izaya coughed.
"In your case, Namie-chan, the incest part is the least creepy thing about this love of yours."
Walker and Erika interrupted the brewing argument by knocking down Namie (who had never been –chan'ed before and was not exactly pleased) with the amazing body pillow.
"So we searched some more and got a bunch of Izaya-kun pictures! Your sisters posted them online! It was in their blog."
"Shizuo-kun, you better watch out. The twins apparently don't like you much."
"They say you're no match for their great brother!"
Shizuo rolled his eyes and lit a cigarette.
"Like I thought the entire family is fucked up."
Erika produced a picture of Izaya, quite naked and asleep. And covered in whipped cream, it might be added.
"I want to know the context of this shot!"
"It's a wholesome family tradition of mine to play punishment games."
Shizuo snorted.
"'Wholesome' my ass!"
"You'd be better off asking nii-chan why he keeps porn of you around."
Shizuo flailed slightly.
"It's not like that, you just think everyone's like you. Kasuka is very innocent, he just likes his brother."
"Right…anyway, I'll take the Dakimakura!"
"Do you also want the Shizu-chan doll?"
"Your sisters sell it, very popular. It already comes with needles and special curses."
Shizuo stared at the tiny big eyed effigy of himself.
"Your sisters are cursing me?"
"Don't be absurd, they're nice girls that like to play with dolls. It's not like they're creepy like a certain someone with a doll fixation."
"They're still selling curses!"
"You cannot blame them for being industrious young women who know how to make profit. Most young people nowadays don't want anything to do with work and just leech off money but they are proper ladies."
Shizuo waved the doll around.
"This isn't work!"
"They made those themselves. Such diligent girls they are. I am proud to be their older sister."
"First of all…you're a guy, how many times do I have to repeat that? And what the hell, you knew they were making these?"
"Of course I did. We are all very close in my family."
Izaya hugged the pillow and closed his eyes happily.
"So soft and nice…"
"What do you even use that for?"
"To cuddle with, Shizu-chan. What else?"
Celty reappeared.
"'Have you taken photographs already?'"
"Celty-chan, with so much going on I forgot. Shizu-chan doesn't have much self control when it comes to keeping his hormones in check so he just ravaged my body forcibly…"
"You started it!"
"Shizu-chan, I'm glad that you at least admit that we are a couple. This denial of yours does not make any sense since we are husband and wife."
Celty typed furiously.
"'Rapist!'"
"How can it be rape when he's the one hitting on me and doing naughty things…"
"Shizu-chan, saying such things, you make me blush!"
"'Respect your wife's privacy!'"
Shizuo sighed and puffed some smoke.
"I can't win, can I."
Izaya clasped his hands together.
"Shizu-chan…you know how I feel about you smoking. It breaks my heart when I think about what it does to your health. Many nights I stay awake, worrying that you'll die."
Tears brimmed red eyes and Izaya blinked to make them fall. Shizuo gasped despite knowing that none of this could possibly be true.
"It's okay, I only smoke light cigarettes. They have less nicotine."
"I don't want to end up becoming a widow with only this Dakimakura to remember you by!"
Izaya was crying now and Shizuo could feel Celty getting ready to bring out her famous scythe of doom.
"Huh, don't cry Izaya."
"I'm emotional because you're so important to me."
"Right."
There was more angry typing.
"'Is that all you've got to say? Izaya has been suffering because you're irresponsible and you don't have any words of comfort?'"
The scythe was back and it cut the cigarette in two, barely missing Shizuo.