A/N: SereneInNC has been with me almost a year. I am so freaking lucky to have her as a beta in my life.
Edward is there to catch me as I slide to the floor. He is there to hold me when my heart begins beating.
"He'll never touch you."
I haven't regained the ability to speak.
"We'll prove him wrong."
He holds on tightly and rocks in the front foyer. Wind rattles the windowpanes. A clock ticks on the mantle, randomly splicing space into time. Stars rotate in the night sky as the Earth continues its path around the sun. He holds and rocks and eventually I stop shaking, and then his form comes into focus.
I don't have to ask.
"He doesn't think I can keep you," he explains, pushing the hair from my eyes.
"Keep me? I'm not your pet. I'm your wife."
"Then he doesn't think I can let you go."
"I'm never letting you go, Edward."
He holds my face in his hands. His bright eyes radiate equal parts power and fear. "You want to die."
I take his hands in mine. "I just want you. I want a life with you. A good life."
"And afterwards?"
"We die. Why did you bring that thing here?"
"He was the only person I could bring. He's the only person I could confess my feelings to. He's the only person I could turn to for support. I don't care how you couch the terms; you want to die. That's your decision, so you're at peace. How am I supposed to go through each and every day knowing that's your wish? How am I supposed to let you slip from my grasp?"
His cool confidence evaporates before my eyes. He searches my eyes desperately, asking the same question I struggled with all afternoon. He asks how he will bear the impossible. Each and every one of us faces this at the end. It is not a challenge I have ever grappled with before. It simply is. We are born. We die. We leave others behind.
"Will you hold me?" I ask.
"Forever."
"Tonight, please?"
xXxXx
We both cling as the darkness invades. His hands explore my swells and dips without pause and I realize that he's committing my form to memory. His nose stays buried in the crook of my neck. I cannot tell if he breathes or quietly sobs and I can't bring myself to ask. He knew. He always knew.
"You wanted to take my life," I whisper. "Your brother wants the same. This can't be a surprise."
"He'll never be back. He's leaving it to me."
"It? Two little letters represent my existence?"
"Your life is the most significant thing I have ever known. Your life is a miracle."
"All lives are miracles." Each day at the hospital I am charged with watching over these miracles. Every day I am left to judge which miracle is fading and which can flicker on. I am so small in comparison to all of it.
"But I don't feel this way about everyone, just the woman I hold in my arms each night. Yours is the only pulse, the only heart, the only pair of lungs, and lips, and eyes. You are what makes my existence make sense. Without you…"
I place a hand flat against his chest "Keep me in your heart, Edward."
"It's only because you're here that I know I have one."
"We don't have to worry about this now. There's time."
"What is time? It's already over."
I push his hands away and scramble to my knees.
"I am here, Edward! I am right here! Don't you ever take this: the two of us together, don't you dare take this away. This is what brought me back from giving up. This is what made me want to live my life! You gave me the strength to experience this. You gave me happiness and hope. Do not pretend it's not real. Do not pretend it's already over!"
In one swift motion Edward is on his knees in front of me, his hands on my hips.
"I would give you everything."
"You and me and the small space that lies between. That is everything."
He folds me into his arms and in his careful embrace I begin to feel peace for the first time all day. I recall the simple words I'd spoken plainly to Lauren as he lowers me to the bed and lifts my hips. I hear instructions about fragile bones as he finds a way inside.
"Tell me I'll have you always."
His words echo to the rhythm of his hips.
"Tell me I'll never lose you."
He grows bolder. His body becomes more insistent. His eyes glow and his lips glisten.
"Tell me you are mine."
Piercing pleasure mixes with pain. He can no longer speak. His body is rigid; his fingers will leave marks. I love him enough that I would die in this moment and would not look back with regret.
I will not look back. I cannot regret.
EPOV
I watch her while she sleeps. Soft and warm, blood and bones; how can something so fragile contain my heart? It is a mystery that I can barely brush the surface of.
The planets pause while I wait for her next breath. The universe falls in on itself between heartbeats. Our first night together, the world faded and flickered as she fainted in my arms. Now, with every breath, I'm uncertain of the future, but it's a delicate torture I can no longer exist without.
She is death.
She is rebirth.
She is hope that all is not lost.
Only moments or months ago she was something as simple as a "two for one", the kind of find that would make a mouth water and a dick stand erect. She was the kind that burned brightest near the end, with a pair of tits that would turn the most timid men into predators. I am not timid.
I do not take no for an answer. I never have to.
I walk through the world and I take what I want. Regret is unbecoming, so I take what will soon expire. She was a spark, a sputter of flame. She was delightful in death. She held allure that I'd never known.
When I touched her hand, when I took her lips, air filled my lungs and my chest rose and fell. She shouldn't have mattered, but she did, and I worked to preserve her until the very last moment. When I sat her on my cock, my chest half exploded and my head filled with light.
"Are you ready?"
Her eyes met mine, dark and deep, and the death inside was something I'd never seen in another living creature. She knew me.
"I am," she pronounced with inhuman acceptance, and the earth seemed to shake and the sky fell away and I wanted her more than anything I could remember desiring since the dawn of time.
With a bite, my heart filled and my limbs came to life. She was wonder and light, she was more than energy and a fuck. She was an end to lonely nights and meaning for my days. She was everything and nothing and the mystery that lies between.
"I can't."
xXxXx
If I'd killed her I would never have known this torture.
I brush her hair from her face. I cover her quaking body with a sheet and climb underneath next to her. I cannot leave. I cannot let her go. I will betray her in the end and it hurts as much as it holds promise.
I never believed I would find meaning in another. Carlisle spoke of such circumstances with derision.
"We are selfish, so we take. We are selfish, so we keep. We do as we see fit. We are gods among men."
"There was another, once. She spoke of the light she found in a shared heart," I argued.
"Katrina spoke of her reason for revenge. The name that fell from her lips never existed. Let her stories keep you company as you walk the earth, but don't let them hamper your world."
I would not let her fade. I would hold her on high. But she has death in her eyes and peace in her heart. She asks the impossible with such longing that I half hope I can offer her every desire, even in our mutual demise.
Underneath the sheets, her scent surrounds and I am safe in a moment that I try to extend. The universe quivers and bends to my will for a breath.
"I can't lose you," I murmur. She is skin and bones. "I cannot lose what is most precious. I cannot lose the only thing I've ever cared for." In her sleep she settles against my chest. She is too warm. Her heart beats too fast. Her blood will overpower her veins.
Her small hands hold tight with the promise to let me go in the end. Each night spent together is fraught with indescribable pleasure and insufferable pain. To bear this duality is human; to rise above it - divine.
xXxXx
We sit on her sister's couch and Bella holds court. She has each member of her family in thrall. She believes it is because she is dying, but it is her ineffable life's force that pulls them in. We should all be so fearless and frank.
"We took him off support, but he's holding on. They sit day after day and wait and watch. You can feel their sorrow in the air."
Rosalie shakes her head and presses her lips together. This talk makes her uncomfortable and she begins clearing the coffee table.
"There's some states where that wouldn't be a problem," Emmett offers.
"Well, I think that's disgusting," Rosalie grumbles. "Emmett, are you going to sit there and talk like some undertaker, or help with this mess?"
"It's good that the man in the hospital isn't died," Bella's niece decides as she climbs onto my wife's lap and offers a hug. "It's because you're a good doctor."
I watch Bella check for the location of her sister and brother-in-law. They are safely out of earshot, but she lowers her voice nevertheless.
"Sometimes, Viv, people have to die."
My presence is proof of this fact, but I sit still and stay out of it.
"Why?" Vivienne asks.
"Because eventually bodies stop working and life drains away, and it hurts to stay alive."
"I'm not hurt."
"No, you are full of life and potential," she says, cupping her niece's plump cheek.
"Edward, are you hurting?" Vivienne asks.
Of course, I am always in pain. "No, Vivienne. I'm not hurting." The little girl sighs with relief.
"And you, Auntie Bella?"
"Just the littlest bit, Vivvie."
Vivienne wraps her arms around Bella's neck and holds on tight. "I don't want you to die, Auntie Bella. Only if you have to."
Bella's eyes meet mine. They are wet and I am glad.
A/N: Thank you all so much for reading and sticking with this little fic... I'm sorry if my writing here is too vague. The fact of the matter is, while Bella is dying of a specific disease, I don't think the specifics matter so much. Similarly, while Edward is something not quite human, I don't know that the specifics exactly matter. Honestly, in this fic, I don't know that he would give himself a name. Vamp? Death? Demi-god?
The important parts are the parts about life and death. The idea of losing your life, the idea of watching others die, the idea of watching loved ones disappear. It's something so simple, really. It's a part of every single person's journey, but in this society it's largely ignored or spoken of in whispers. Thank you for taking the time to think about these things with me, and in a light that's not tragic, but poetic. I really do think things are somewhat beautiful at the beginning and the end, and that so many people simply forget to live well in between. xxx~M