Nikki: YAY! I got it up today. I thought I would get it up tomorrow because I just got home from vacation. I learned that with 1 bag of chips, 3 bottles of sprite, and 1 cup of coffee and 6 hours of typing, revising and spell checking I can type 1,000 words. And that, folks show you how much I procrastinate.
"When you cut yourself you feel alive. It makes you think as though you can actually feel something in this cruel, sick and twisted world. The glide of the knife, or pin in my case, leaving red trails in its wake fascinates. The pain distracts from everything you can think of that is wrong with life.
I trace the scars on my arm through the sleeve of my shirt, "When the experience is over you are left feeling empty. At that point you just want to restart the feeling again. I guess that's why I did not, could not, stop at one cut.
I look up, my eyes gleaming , and lock gazes with all three of my watchers. The biggest smile of my life is slapped on my face. "You know that feeling you get on a rollercoaster? Not the nauseous feeling, but the adrenaline pumping through your veins? Imagine that sensation mixed with anxiety, depression, sadness and any other emotion in between," Alois, Elizabeth and Sebastian all look dumbstruck. By the tears glistening in the blonde's eyes, they must be feeling bad for me. Sebastian's only tell about his pity are his garnet orbs that reveal everything.
Despite their pity looks, the smile doesn't vanish from my lips just yet. "Those feelings alone made me want to drop the pin and stop, yet it also made it oh-so-tempting to continue. The only problem is you feel really dead after. Afterwards you just feel ready to crawl under your bed, lay down and die. So in the end, cutting doesn't make you feel better and you are left in the same exact situation as before. Yup, that is the only set back to self harm, besides the harm you are doing o yourself."
I start to walk down the halls again, only to hear rushed footsteps follow me. Alois hurries in front o fme, and I wonder what I did wrong? This place is meant to help you speak your mind and get you over your past. Didn't I just do that by admitting cutting won't help me in the end? So what's the problem?
"What? Sebastian has been on my ass since I started with his sessions, so I told him. And you and Elizabeth acted like what I did is a joke. So I decided that I would show how it real is." It is a bullshit lie, but it is the best I can do right now.
"None of that was true, is what you are trying to say? You know, Sebastian looked really worried. I think he was seconds from having you sedated and locked in your room."
"It was all true. Why would I need to lie?" I walk away from trying to explain myself. I don't like lying and explaining my reasons would mean piling a multitude of lies onto more lies.
"Sebastian doesn't like lying either, yet he never seems to tell the truth." I rather enjoy Alois' company (I'll never tell him though). Sebastian and he both have this comforting vibe to them, I don't want to trust them, yet I have to. Alois, though, seems to be an old soul, despite being only a few years older than me.
"What do you mean he never tells the truth?" I want answers before Elizabeth and the liar himself rejoin us. I never know I'll talk to Alois again.
The pair behind us are closing in on Alois and I; Alois realizes this and mysteriously replies. "You'll see. In GPS we have to talk about ourselves. When Sebastian speaks everything will sound like a truth, but it's not. Learn what is reality and what is fiction. Pay. Attention."
"So what are you two talking about?" Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Sebastian inquires, raising an eyebrow at how we are suddenly silent.
"Ciel was just telling me about he met you." My blond liar, stomps on my foot and in turn I scowl at him. It goes perfectly with our story. "You are such a gentlemen Sebby! I can't believe you met him by… Um, where was it again Ciel?"
"It was at the hospital. He wasn't a gentleman by the way. He totally left me there to be scolded-"
"that is so romantic, Sebby!" The squeal attacks my eardrums and cuts me off. "I can't believe you visited Ciel on his deathbed! Were you there when he woke up? Was it like Sleeping Beauty? Did you wake him from a 100 year sleep with true love's kiss? Oh my God! That is so cute!" Elizabeth bounces up and down.
My face becomes unbelievably hot and I suddenly find that everyone's shoes are pretty interesting. Sebastian has sneakers on, which complete the laid back look he has going on. Alois has some high heel boots and Elizabeth adorns white sandals. It is interesting how someone's shoes can tell you about their personality.
Sebastian looms above me. He is close enough that I can feel the vibrations of his laughter. I can sense the smirk that I can only associate with him.
"Look, Ciel is blushing like a virgin," I can't recall who said it, I was a little busy. Oh, how I wish I could say I was one. I would cry but I doubt I would be able to with all the sobbing I've done this week.
My body is stiff and my eyes dart across the floor. Sebastian doesn't say anything yet his wine orbs are burning into my entire being. They run over my form, searching for something.
I'm determined not to tremble but my fist shakes lightly against my will. It will not stop so I shove both my hands in to my pockets and look up at my companions.
"Well I guess I should be happy I'm not a virgin."
Nikki: One last announcement! I will be starting to update on Saturdays because I am starting to get home later. You know with it being summer in New York. I have things to do. Well Goodnight! AND REVIEW!
p.s. cutting it close again aren't I? Updating a couple minutes before midnight!