I have neglected my uploads with this story, and I'm sorry. Here comes an interesting chapter!
Alright, so I am very self-conscious about writing intimate scenes. I never get very explicit, maybe because I have a colorful imagination (that fills in the blanks) or I'm just a chicken . I don't know, especially the first love scene in my stories is rather embellished than direct. I still think it turned out alright.
The flavor text here is from the weirdly named song Blind Pig by Emmi. I honestly don't know what that title is about, but the song is really nice and those lyrics fit so perfectly into this chapter. While writing this, I also listened a lot to Dr. Ford and the Main Title Theme from the Westworld Soundtrack. Sadly I cannot post any Spotify links here, but I can only recommend listening to them!
X. Crimes of Passion
Yes love, love has set the beast astir
The dangerous and the meek concur:
It's ruffled feathers, fleece and fur
'Cause love drives all of us wild.
I was jolted from sleep by an ugly noise. The ear-straining sound of a sharp object scraping across stone, over and over again. It was accompanied by muffled crashes, the ripping of fabric and… growls. The unnerving dissonance came from upstairs. My heart jumped into a frantic race even as I rose with the hazy disorientation that was normal after being awakened in the middle of the night. I already Fade-walked most of my nights, and it seemed on one of the few where I didn't, another thing entirely kept me from a restful sleep. Damn it! If that ruckus is what I think it is… I distractedly grabbed a dressing gown and ambled up the spiral staircase to Solas' bedroom. Well, my resolution to be less agreeable had gone to hell in less than a day. Good job.
"Solas?", I called softly through the closed door. I wouldn't enter without some form of permission. Last week had been different. He'd brought me to his room because I'd been weakened and unconscious. For some nonsensical reason, going in on my own seemed… intimate. I shooed that thought away. Begone! From the room beyond, more scratching sounds, but otherwise no answer. I tried again twice, louder this time, before I reached for the handle and inwardly cursed at the anxious knot in my throat. Futile, for the door was locked. I could sense his aura on the other side… All wrong again. Tangled, confused, savage. I was pretty sure what I would find when I managed to open it. Rattling the handle did nothing and so I bent to the keyhole for closer examination. Maybe I should try out lockpicking. Uncle Varric had taught me a few tricks, much to my parents' aggravation. But thankfully I didn't need do employ roguish skills. In the darkness, I hadn't seen, but there was a key in the lock. What the…? The door had been locked… from the outside? Had he done that?
"I'm coming in now.", I stated with much more bravado than I felt. Wolf had not attacked me the last time, but… those noises did not sound peaceful. Not at all. The lock clicked and I pushed open the door to find… chaos. He'd transformed again alright. Shards of moonlight illuminated him as he stood before one of his murals, jet-black fur bristling. Ghostly green eyes fixated on me, all six of them. I took in the bedroom with one swift glance. Claw marks defaced the beautiful paintings, torn up tomes littered the floor next to an eviscerated pillow. He'd snapped a chair between his jaws. Its sad splinters lay strewn around the place. At least he'd left the bed alone. Maker's floppy balls… It was bedlam. Solas – or rather the Dread Wolf – watched me warily, teeth bared.
"It's me. It's alright, it's just me. Ren. Fox." I didn't know why I spoke to him like to an idiot. But I made my voice as gentle as I could while my pulse throbbed up to my eardrums. Not an idiot, I corrected myself. A wild animal. Without warning he lunged forward, issuing a sound that made the blood freeze in my veins. I stumbled back, tripped over some clutter and landed painfully on my behind. The next I knew, he was so close that I could feel the heat from that giant body, even see each individual fang glisten like oiled blades.
"This isn't you. You are a man, not a beast –" The menacing snarl made me stop. I didn't dare to touch him as I had done before, to grasp our link so I could show him. He turned abruptly as though something had physically struck him. The giant jaws snapped together and his head whipped from side to side. I sensed the terrible conflict inside him and my heart crumbled, because I didn't know what to do. I was so useless, damn it all!
With a sudden jerk he tore himself away and began clawing the murals, driving his large head against the stone, battering the walls with his massive body so violently that I felt the whole tower shake.
"No!", I cried, now afraid that he would seriously injure himself. "Stop! Solas, stop!" Something in my voice must have reached him. For an instant, he went utterly still. I would later marvel at my brazen act. But I flew at him and threw my arms around his neck as tightly as I could. Pushed my hands into the thick black fur, through the sleek overcoat and the rigid guard hairs, down to the very skin. I even buried my face into it. His scent was intense and wild, and just a little like his real self beneath.
"This isn't you. Look here. Look at these.", I mumbled senselessly, repeating myself a dozen times. I sent images to him, whichever came to my mind. The first time I'd seen his face revealed, in the clearing where he destroyed the Eluvian. During our lessons when he frowned at my rashness, shaking his head in that distinct, rebuking fashion. Or looked pleased when I had made progress. The way he'd gazed at me, just a few heartbeats before we had kissed. Focused and passionate. Him sleeping in my reading chair. Peaceful, unburdened. No, wait – I hadn't meant to think of those, but now it was too late. I couldn't take them back.
But Wolf… quieted inside. The mindless, violent… thing that held him captive stopped flailing as he observed what I showed him. I knew the exact moment he wrestled control out of the beast's jaws, but I will never be able to rightly describe what he did then. He somehow muzzled the evil creature, made it immobile and closeted it behind a very sturdy door. As soon as he'd done that, his body and spirit… reformed to their natural states.
It was beautiful magic, wondrous to behold. Creating, not destroying. I had no notion how long it took. Could have been a minute, or an hour. I only knew when my arms were not embracing a wolf anymore, but a man instead. Muscles tensed and relaxed beneath warm skin. Not just warm. Heated, almost feverish. An arm wrapped around my waist, not to separate but to pull near. My face nestled against the hollow of his throat and I felt it ripple with a swallow. I should move. I really should. But instead I shamelessly pretended to be in shock while my heart thundered so fiercely that I was certain he could hear it. Fingertips fluttered over my cheek, lighter than gossamer. I dared to take one shallow breath.
"Those were fine images, Ren." That soothing vibration of his voice as it built in his chest made me think of lying in a quiet pond, the water lapping over me gently. It sounded a bit hoarse though, grittier than usual.
"They were. You're welcome.", I managed to say. It came out all squeaky in the beginning, feeble at the end. Great. My mind did not seem to work too well. It was utterly blank.
"Then why are you crying?" I… what? I wasn't… I argued frantically between 'None of your business' and 'Because of reasons!' as an answer, but never came to give one. His fingers brushed away the moisture from my cheek, and then he turned me just a little… I didn't know where to look, sure that if I met his eyes then, I would somehow disintegrate. My lids fluttered shut just when his lips pressed to the place where my tears had gone their way without me noticing.
How could a gesture manage to be filled equally with reassurance and longing? I sighed as though some great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Solas seemed to understand this as an assent, for he continued his journey undeterred until his mouth covered mine in a kiss I would not forget any time soon. People say you should never overindulge in a good thing, since it devalues the joy you feel. That's just rubbish. I might not have much experience to back this up, but I'll go out on a limb here and say those wise guys had never been properly kissed before.
I knew the same giddy rush of sheer bliss as the first time. I had just not acknowledged it to myself. I'd been afraid and confused. To hell with it. A playful tongue flicked over the seam of my lips, beguiling me to let it in, open, soften. As soon as I did, his embrace tightened and drew me even closer to the steely firmness of his body. The kiss became a wicked game, a chase, and then… a hunger for more. I noticed the changes in our link, but what he did to me made me light-headed, too dizzy to pay attention.
I just… let it all happen. Revelled in the sensation of his hands as they slid into my hair to grasp it by the palmfuls, or travelled up my leg, yanking the fabric of the nightgown away in the process. Did I imagine that they trembled? No, that had to be me. I shivered all over with tiny chills that had nothing to do with cold. What do I do? I had no idea –
Whatever you want to do, some inner voice whispered.
So I simply let my head fall back and touched his face, traced both the defined angles and the softer lines. For a man with such sharp contours, he was remarkably smooth. I explored the texture, only realizing that he was completely naked when I arrived at his bare chest. Right. The inconvenient side-effect. I felt something stir inside him at my untried touch, a feeling that had lain dormant for so long he puzzled over placing it. It had reared its head before, sniffing the air hopefully. But he had quelled it. Not anymore, though.
My body tilted suddenly and I was laid down to the ground with great care. The broken items from his rampage scattered away like leaves in the wind and I felt the supple threads of a rug through the thin gauze that covered my back. It was warm, pleasant. All his doing, I knew from the casual flow of magic that emanated from him. He didn't seem inclined to ever break his touch, sever the connection between us. So many things happened at once that I struggled to follow each individual one. His lips descended to my throat and left a burning trail as they went lower, lower… How had my gown unbuttoned itself? I had no chance to wonder, because a decisive hand slid between the folds, closing around one tender breast. He didn't stop there. His tongue flitted across the hardened tip and I could not hold back the strange sound that rose from someplace very deep, primal. I had never uttered such a noise before. However, my excitement emboldened him even more.
"You are so beautiful… even in my dreams." Wait, what? He thought this was a dream? I suddenly realized why he'd let himself become so untethered. In a dream of his own, all of this had no consequences. But if I told him the truth, he'd stop. No, no – As if I could have spoken anyway. No coherent words would come out. The rush of his breath on my skin felt like the lick of a wonderful flame, heated by desire. I wanted, needed to know where this ended. I didn't think I could bear it if he stopped now.
My gown was pushed relentlessly aside as his fingers wandered along the inside of my thigh. It tingled like a spell, tiny currents that only added kindling to the fire that centred at the junction of my legs. That secret place seemed to be the ultimate goal of his journey. He quested into the downy triangle and onward, until he found the most exquisite spot yet, wet and smooth and so wicked. I was both ashamed and utterly aroused. Where had it come from? I wasn't exactly clueless, but I'd thought someone would explain this to me when the time came. Solas didn't. I doubted he would have been able to. At some point, one of his fingers slipped even lower and… inside me. Oh Maker above. He let out a pained sort of groan, so utterly male that I felt every muscle tighten at the sound of it.
He continued the sweet, sweet torture, until I thought I would simply shatter beneath that exquisite pleasure. I had no name for the feeling. It was a rising tide, the most sensual dance imaginable, a tornado that simply swept away all in its path. Our link flared with a wild array of images, too quickly to grasp their full meaning. He lost control, unable to temper them anymore. The nimble hand between my legs disappeared, only to be replaced by something quite hard and… silky, but much larger. I had a very good idea what it was, but… How was that supposed to even –
"I will go to hell for even dreaming about this.", he gasped, interrupting my frantic thoughts. This was definitely the point where I should have told him the truth. Until now, I hadn't dared to look at him, afraid that he'd see, that the magic would be broken, the spell shattered. I wanted… I didn't know what I wanted. Something. Unison, comfort… Release.
Through lowered lashes, I chanced a peek at him. Face taut with concentration, eyes tightly shut, jaw rigid. Never more splendid than at that moment. The muscles in his shoulders worked as he leaned over me, the pale moonlit skin straining with tension. And a relentless pressure nudged at my centre, forging its way into uncharted land, into a virginal tightness much too narrow for such an invasion. Damnation, it hurt, although the scraps of thought that carried over to me dulled it somewhat. They weren't very specific, but so wonderfully natural. At last, good, so warm, smooth, yes.
"Yes.", he uttered before the breath caught in his throat. How much more? A lot, apparently.
He gave a forceful thrust and knew a sharp sting of pain when he tore through some physical barrier inside me. I couldn't help myself, I let out a small, wounded cry. His eyes flew open and he went utterly still. I swear I actually saw the realization dawn on his face. Stunned surprise turned to knowledge, then to disbelief and finally to… horror.
No. Don't do this Wolf, don't destroy this by thinking, by knowing. He moved to separate from me, to pull away, but I would have none of that. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, legs around his waist, locking him inside that embrace. It still hurt, but I stubbornly ignored that. I had him, and I wouldn't let go yet.
"No.", I emphasized, shutting the door to objection.
He could have forcibly pushed me away, but this was not an issue of strength. It was one of willpower, and he had none left. All the way inside now, to the root, he seemed powerless to stop himself.
In between the strange mix of pain and pleasure, he pulled back and thrust once, twice, almost desperately. My body struggled to make way for him. Everything throbbed, pulsed, contracted, too intense, defying description. Those mesmerizing eyes watched me strain and arch with a fascination I could not understand. They had likely seen everything there is to see in this world. Watched empires rise and fall, heroes achieve remarkable feats in noble endeavour. Seen marvels I can hardly imagine. And still he looked at me as if I was something unique, pristine, endlessly spellbinding.
I tugged his head to mine, needing to taste him again. In an impulse, I had taken charge of this thing, now I better see it through to the end. My tongue delved boldly into the velvet depth of his mouth, seeking that delicious, inexplicable essence. A hand gripped my waist fiercely and his movements stuttered. He gasped into the kiss before his whole body quaked, shaken by a series of frantic spasms that I felt right down at the very place where we were joined.
The silence that followed was one of the most uncomfortable things I experienced in my life. After the moments it took to regain my full devices, I merely glimpsed his dead serious expression before Solas parted from me. I felt hollow all of a sudden. A river run dry. The weight of his body had meant safety, comfort. Shelter. Now even the mild summer air turned to winter's chill, bereft of all warmth.
Solas picked a discarded robe from the wreckage on the floor and threw it around his shoulders, then proceeded to wrap one around me too. I flinched when he helped me sit, making him halt. I was too embarrassed to even look at him. The sticky moisture I felt on my thighs and the clinical detachment of his touch mortified me. It was as though he had suddenly banished everything from his mind, leaving behind some empty, soulless shell. Nothing of the man who had shown such passion and tenderness remained.
"I shouldn't have done that.", he said, but how I wished he would shut up about it. Regret. Of course. Guilt? Even more so. He breathed those things, ate them, lived them. And the woman he had kidnapped was now another shameful mistake made in a streak of terrible judgment. I heard him take an uneven breath. Don't say it. Please don't.
"It was a mistake." There it was. "I am…"
"Stop. Just stop, don't say you are sorry.", my voice sounded so feeble. I would have traded all that I owned for the ability to vanish on the spot. Solas didn't go on and I straightened a little, pulling at the folds of fabric to cover my nakedness. A weak attempt to preserve some small measure of dignity. It didn't help. I felt exposed, raw, like a bared nerve. Tears stung my eyes, but I battled them viciously, giving them no quarter.
"I will take you to your room." I cringed when he made a motion to lift me and came to my feet instead, shaking my head.
"No. Leave me be.", was all I managed then. How had this all gone so wrong? Why had I let myself believe that he'd felt the same inexorable pull, the same longing, the same… completeness that I had felt? I was such a gullible idiot. He couldn't enjoy a damn thing in his life without tainting it with regret. Something inside me splintered. It hurt in a way nothing had hurt before. Heartbreak. Because I had been falling for this man since the day we met, fool that I was. I hadn't listened to the warnings of reason and decent sense, and now… Too late. Being in the same room with him suddenly seemed so oppressive and painful that I couldn't bear it for a second longer. I bolted.
"Arlenna!", Solas called after me. I'd fled halfway down the stairs before I heard his footsteps behind me, but I didn't care either way.
"Ren, wait!" His tone panicked now, likely thinking that I would flee into the woods again, but I had neither strength nor heart for such an escape left. The door of my room fell shut with a deafening crash, right into his alarmed face. Good. I turned the key and threw it savagely into some darkened corner. All guile abandoned me then. I fell onto the bed and curled up around myself protectively, not bothering to stop the tears now. The door-handle rattled, followed by frantic knocking.
"Ren, please. Open the door." Or else what? Will you blast it down? Physically break through? That's just not your style, Wolf. I had not seen him commit any sort of violence until now, except for the rampage he had caused as a wolf. I squeezed my eyes shut as the banging and pleading continued for a small eternity. Talk to me, let me in, please open, we need to speak about this. No, we won't. When it finally subsided, I let out a relieved sigh. I should have known better than to think I had heard the end of it.
I hadn't even properly drifted off after crying myself to sleep when I sensed his consciousness reach for mine. He'd waited in the Fade, ready to pounce on me. Relentless, presumptuous, invasive as always! I'd had enough. With a force I hadn't even known I possessed, I pushed at him. I drove him out of my dream, my mind, blasted him through our link. Repelled his intrusion so fiercely, he staggered back from it. Then I erected every form of barrier, shield and guard he'd taught me. And taught me he had. So well that the master of the Fade himself could not get through, and not for lack of trying.
I fell into a restless slumber, lacerated by insult, longing and heartache, while the forlorn howls of a wolf haunted me into my nightmares.