A Subconscious Fight
DISCLAIMER - I do not own Victorious, or any of the Characters, Images, or any else that is in any way related to it.
FYI: Italics is someone's dream, Bold is someone's inner thoughts, and Bold Italics is a Text Message.
Chapter 10 - Alone Pt. 2
"Cat, you are walking out on Tori. What are you doing? But I can't take it. If she doesn't trust me, or if she can't believe that I love her for her, and not her protection and for healing me, then why should I stay?" I am about to breakdown. My body is shaking, and I almost fully engulfed in tears. I still can't believe she questioned me. I have a few options of what to do. I could call some of my fellow cast mates, and bum a room for a few nights from them, while I give Tori some time and space.
But I don't like imposing and I don't think it would be all that accomidating. Things would just be too weird, because they know how close nit Tori and I are, and it would create some serious problems at work. I know I'll still have to make out with her on stage, but I can pull it off without trying after the countless roles I had with Robbie and Beck at Hollywood Arts. My heart would literally break more and more, and I'm sure I would fall into a depression at the thoughts of not having her anymore.
"Huh, maybe I do need her that way. I can't stand the thought of losing her, and though he wouldn't be attacking my mind, I would still be haunted. The pain of her would be too much." But it still sucks, why can't she just believe me? Maybe I should tell her that. I need her now, not to fight him off, but to keep the pain of losing her away. My mind is racing, and my heart is breaking. I love her, shouldn't that be enough?
I know Jade and Beck are still in town, but they will be leaving soon and there is no way that they would be able to help when they leave to go with André to Boston. I'm kinda out of options. But I still can't sit here. I need something to help me think, something to clear my head. I pick up my phone, calling my best friend.
After a few rings, she finally answers. "Cat, this had better be damn important." I'm pretty sure I know what was going on, but I'm not about to ask or insinuate.
"I just walked out on Tori." My voice is so broken, I can't believe Jade got the entire message. She takes a few moments, before finally giving a response.
"C'mon. I think we need to talk. Meet me outside my hotel in about thirty." I know where she is, and its only a ten minute walk. I guess she and Beck need their privacy for a little longer. I tell her sure, and place my hand on the pepper spray in my purse. No way am I walking these streets without some sort of protection.
As I walk, I think about Jade and where I would be without her. She would have never convinced me to give Tori a chance. And had I not, I wouldn't be standing in the streets of New York with a broken heart and a fleeting mind. I wouldn't have anyone to turn to right now, and would probably be headed somewhere that I shouldn't be. And that wouldn't be a good thing.
Without Jade, I actually probably would have never gotten into Hollywood Arts. She convinced me to start there so my brother couldn't torture me as much as he had. I would be forced to stay later in school so that I could focus on some of the finer details of my talents, and hone them so I could use them correctly. I spent an extra three hours daily at that school, and would get home with only about thirty minutes of torture to endure.
So in a manner of speaking, without her, I might not even be here today. I might have gone totally insane because of him, and would have probably killed myself. And if not, then I would have never met Tori, who was the only person from either HA or my old school that didn't know my situation. I wouldn't have had her to heal my mind.
"God, stop thinking about her, Cat. Your brother is dead, and the voices are gone. Love is a strange thing. It works the way it wants, and sometimes, it just doesn't work out the way you want. Tori may not be that girl for you." But I know that's not true. Looking at my left hand tells me that much. Though the pain is real, and the uncertainty is killing me, I know that I probably put Tori through just as much or even more because of my brother. I can only imagine what she thought and went through when thinking of him. Maybe that's what it is so hard? She doesn't know how to fight.
Of course, she also doesn't know what to fight. She repressed everything, and until a few weeks ago, she was perfectly content. This is why I didn't want her seeing that doctor. She pulled out memories that should have stayed hidden, and now Tori was fighting, and losing. I can't leave her, I can't have her try and defend herself against it, all alone. But I also can't go back without a course of action.
Tori is lying to herself, telling her that I can't love her without her having something to protect me from. "Is she creating something to protect me from, so that she can keep me?" Those lies remind me of what she did to me, because I finally believed the lies I told myself about my family and friends when my brother was torturing me. Tori's lies bring a song to mind, and I can't help but pull out my phone and play it for her. I know she can't hear it, but I still dedicate it to her.
Despite the lies that you're making your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting yo turn your tears to roses
Despite the lies that you're making, your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting to turn your tears to roses
I will be the one that's gonna hold you
I will be the one that you run to
My love is a burning, consuming fire
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes
I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes
You know I'm never far
Hear my whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
You feel so lonely and ragged, you lay here broken and naked
My love is just waiting, to clothe you in crimson roses
I will be the one that's gonna find you, I will be the one that's gonna guide you
My love is a burning, consuming fire
No, you'll never be alone when darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone, when darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone when darkness comes, I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone when darkness comes, you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
By the time the song settles down, I am finally crying it out, my pain and heartbreak getting the better of me. The words ringing true in my heart, I curse myself for not fighting for her, and protecting her when she needs it. I finally start walking toward Jade's hotel again, knowing that I will be getting back with Tori, but that I need to clear my head so this doesn't happen again.
As I walk into the lobby, I see Jade walking up to me, her head shaking. I know she is displeased, I just don't know what with. I can't contain my tears, and she hugs me to try and calm me down. I melt to the contact, again thanking my lucky stars for her.
"Coffee?" I know she wants some, and I need someone to talk to.
"Sure, where is somewhere good to go?"
"Central Perk, not far from here." We start to walk, silent. She knows I will eventually come out and say it, but that I need to work myself into it. We finally arrive, and say hello to Gunther as we walk in. Placing our orders and grabbing a table, we sit for a moment before I finally tell her everything.
"I walked out. I couldn't take it."
"Why?"
"She questioned me. Wether I loved her, why I loved her, things like that."
"And?"
"And?" I questioned her, not understanding what she was asking about.
"And why did you leave. I know you were upset. I would probably be too if Beck ever pulled a stunt like that. But you love Tori enough, right?" I nod, and know exactly what she is about to say. So I say it for her.
"So I should stay because of that, because she protected me when she didn't know what to fight, and I owe her the same?" I said it more as a statement than a question, but insinuated it that way to force her opinion out of her.
"Yes, Cat. It can't be easy, going through what she is doing. At least you knew what to fight. You might now have done it the best way at times, but you still fought. You know its not easy for her, so you need to go back there, and fight for her love. She deserves that, and you know it."
As much as it hurts me to admit it, Jade's right. I feel like shit for not fighting for her when I did everything to get her. She was and still is my world. I can't stand myself right now, and feel like crawling into a hole and dying. Eventually, I get a text from Tori.
Cat, please come home. Fear and pain overriding me, I can't help question her.
Why?
Because I love you. Still unsure, I start showing the texts to Jade. She is nodding, prompting me to find out if I can go back, if I can fight. I want to so bad, I need her. But I am done fighting. I need closure, and I need it to go all away.
You sure? It sounded like you were questioning it and me
I am sure. You told me you used your love for me to beat your brother, and that I should do the same. I'm not afraid of him anymore. Almost as if a silent prayer was answered, I ask just to make sure.
You remember my brother?
Yes, and what he did. I'm sorry if I hurt you by questioning you. But please, come back. I need you. Jade is watching me, the emotions written on my face. Conflicted, I send an answer that I know neither of us would expect. An ultimatum.
On one condition, Tori
What's that?
You promise never to doubt me, or my motives again. It hurt me, Victoria, that you would say that.
Caterina Valentine, I am so sorry for what I did. Please, let me make it up to you.
I'm with Jade right now, so I can't come just yet. But I'll be there later tonight. Showing the texts to Jade, she smiles at me. If Tori really can get past this, if she really is past thin, then there isn't anything that should stand in our way of being happy.
Okay. Love you.
Love you too! ;) My heart is swelling with joy, and I know we'll be okay. The road of love isn't perfect, there are bumps along the way. Knowing that this only one, and there will be more, some of which are worse further down the road, I vow to myself to never put myself through this again. I shouldn't question Tori, even if she questions me. I promised her and myself I would stick with her. I'm such an idiot for giving up so easily.
I spend a few hours with Jade, making her promise to literally slap some sense into me if I do anything this stupid ever again. She agrees, laughing and showing the joy at the idea. We spent some time looking at the furniture that Tori had picked out, noting that some of it wouldn't work, or that some of it was perfect. Jade made sure to state that her "friend's" taste was so horrible she might die from the pain. I finally leave her, returning home to my wonderful fiancée.
xxxxx
I watch Tori, noting her beauty and how adorable she looks as she mumbles in her sleep.
"Hey, Cat! I just wanted you to know, I love you!" "I love you, too, Tori!" She is mumbling something about an award that she wish she had won. "It's okay, baby. You still have me, if you want me." I cry as I say that. Earlier today, I was doubting her. Now, I am doubting myself, and hating myself for not being for her what she was for me.
I can't take it anymore, I need to kiss her and talk to her. I shake her shoulder, trying to wake her.
"Tori?"
"Tori!"
"TORI!"
"Ahh! Blastoff." I see the smirk on her face, as if she needed to do it.
"Shutup, 'Walter'." Making fun of her, I watch as she feigns so pain, but then see it really show through. There are tears in her eyes, and I can't help soak in every word.
"Cat, I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me."
"I wouldn't be here if I hadn't." She wrapped me up, and I couldn't help but succomb to her touch. I didn't ever want to lose another moment with her, and I knew I wouldn't.
I know that I turned Cat around quickly, but the love they both have for each other is too powerful to ignore. Cat's decision and promise to herself, especially after realizing she didn't give Tori a fair shake, made it easy for her to come back. Now that she is, are the girls good to go? What will happen next? Please, R/E/R!