Warning: The following chapter may contain scenes of violence.

Exterminators and Saints

Noooooooooooooo! I am going to be worked! [1]

I could swear my heart stopped when I heard the word 'Senpai'. My brain was also on the verge of shutting down, but right before that, it managed to determine that the voice was male instead of female. Thank goodness my brain was so high-spec, otherwise I would have died from fear over nothing.

As the emergency signals to restart my heart flowed through the conduits of my nervous system, I turned around to identify the intruder. And rather than a certain flaxen devil, what I saw was a certain poisonous insect instead.

...

Was that on purpose? Was it? It was right? It definitely was.

All of my earlier panic rapidly transformed into pure fury while I stared at the lower lifeform who was foolishly sealing off his one and only escape route by locking the front door behind him.

"Senpai, why didn't you show up at the club? Everyone was so worried that they..."

The insect was still babbling on with meaningless drivel, but my brain had long ceased to listen his words.

Back in elementary school, I never understood why some of my classmates enjoyed burning ants with a magnifying glass. The whole idea just seemed so ridiculously cruel and pointless that I never attempted it. Well, not that any of them would have been willing to share the magnifying glass with me even if I had asked.

But now that I think about it, I may have been jumping to conclusions. After all, wasn't it wrong to judge an activity before even trying it out personally?

Certainly, the fact that I had never tried it yet still assumed it was a meaningless activity was nothing short of arrogance.

Pride was well known as one of the seven deadly sins for a reason. If I continued to let my arrogance run unchecked like that, there would definitely come a day that I would regret it.

As such, in order to avoid that disastrous future, my best course of action would be to correct that mistake as soon as possible. Heck, considering the opportunity presented here, I should really correct it immediately. It was time to test whether torturing an insect was truly wrong...

I slowly stomped my way towards the poisonous insect in the doorway while wishing that I had a stop sign in my hand to swing at him. "Taaaaai-iiiiii-shiiiiiii-kunn..." [2]

The poisonous insect, finally noticing the signs of its impending doom, backed up until he was pressed against the wall. "Eh? Ehh? What? What's going on? Did I do something?"

Yes! Yes you did! You have committed two heinous crimes against humani- ahem, I mean, my sanity!

In ancient times, this would be the moment where I savagely clobbered the criminal to death with a club. Fortunately for him, this was the modern world, and I was a civilized man. I would at least give him a trial before execution.

In other words, now was the time to begin an inquisition appropriate for this heretic.

I started by filling in the clueless insect on the first charge. "Why are you brazenly walking around here like its your own home?"

Hurry up and plead guilty so I can burn you at stake already!

But instead, the accused protested. "Ehh?! But this is my home!"

Hmm? What nonsense was he spouting all of a sudden? Oh. Right. I guess this actually was his home...

...Wait no! I couldn't just let him go like this. He had to pay for his sins!

I shouted the first thing that popped into my head. "No it isn't! This house was bought by your parents, learn to respect it!"

"Huh? But I-... I wasn't..." The unfilial ingrate stared at me with a confused expression. "...I don't understand what you're asking me to do at all Senpai..."

Neither do I, but whatever! If I was being illogical, then that was also his fault! All of my current agitation was caused by the misleading actions of this unforgivable creature, so there was need for me to be reasonable!

"Walk. More. Quietly!"

And while I was at it, it was time to press charge number two. "Also, why are you calling me 'Senpai' all of a sudden?"

"Eh? That's because you told me that if you ever heard me say the words 'onii-san' again you would hit me..."

...

Hmm... now that he mentioned it, I do recall saying something like that...

...

Huh... in the end, was he actually innocent?

...

My anger dissipated somewhat.

Still, I couldn't allow him to continue calling me 'Senpai'. That word just wasn't good for my heart anymore.

"Well 'Senpai' is even worse, so don't say that word in front of me either."

"...But then what am I supposed to call you?"

I scratched my head apologetically and shrugged. "Can't you just call me 'Hikigaya-san' ?" [3]

Frankly, I was fine with anything as long as he didn't call me 'Senpai' or 'onii-san'. Pretty much everyone who talked to me got my name wrong and called me strange things like "Hikitani" or "Hikio" anyway, so by this point I really couldn't care less. Although, I really would rather not have to talk to him in the first place...

Then again, since I was the one staying over at his place, wasn't the fact that we were even having this conversation also my fault? Hmm? That's weird... could it be that I was actually the one in the wrong here?

Taishi tilted his head while he thought things through. "Huh? But isn't that also what I call... Ah wait no... I don't call her that anymore so..."

...

My ears twitched. All the surrounding words and sounds were filtered out. My brain simply honed in on the words 'don't call her that anymore' and swiftly processed the implications. As such, various onii-chan alarms immediately began to ring at full blast, drowning out any shred of guilt I might have felt over my earlier actions.

"H-Hohhh? I don't think I heard that correctly Taishi, care to tell me what you're calling Komachi now?"

All of my own problems were pushed to the back of my mind. Isshiki? Alone time? Who cares about something like that anymore? Komachi's safety was number one, and it seems that while I wasn't looking, this poisonous insect had somehow gotten dangerously close to Komachi.

It may be time to perform some pest control...

"Speak carefully Taishi, if you choose the wrong words, they could be your last."

Actually, I think I just heard him say 'onii-san' earlier, so it was okay to make good on my words and pummel him to death now right?

I growled at him, daring him to speak. Ah, I should have brought my book with me, I am sure it would have made a lovely fixture for his backbone or maybe a nice accessory for his skull. Then if I found another copy of the book later, I could attach it to the other side of his skull, giving him a pair of strangely-shaped attennae fitting for an insect of his stature.

How regretful.

"C-Calm down. You're starting to have that murderous look in your eyes again, you know!?"

"Ha ha ha. What are you saying Taishi? It's not like I am really going to kill you, you know?" I mirrored his words with a friendly tone. Hearing that, the soon-to-be pile of ashes relaxed his guard while I nonchalantly wrapped one of my arms around his shoulders.

Now it was impossible for him to escape my wrath.

"Haven't you seen this situation in manga and anime before? In cases like this, no one actually gets beaten to death. [4] They just get punched so hard that the wound starts swelling in the past, or hurt so badly that even their ancestors can feel the damage-"

"That sounds even worse!"

"He he he. Let's see... in your case... If you give a bad answer, how about I hit you so hard that even the 'Kawasaki Taishi's in alternate universes start to disappear?" [5]

I could feel his shoulders flinch, indicating that it was a suitable punishment. "That's too scary even for a joke, onii-san!"

Hohh... this brat still thinks I'm joking... and he sure has some guts to continue calling me 'onii-san' even in this situation. I opened and clenched my fists a few times as I got ready to enforce capital punishment. Don't worry Komachi, onii-chan will protect you and get rid of this-

*Click*

My violent thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the front door being unlocked again.

Before I could react, Kawasaki Saki appeared from behind the opened door.

I had forgotten. This was the belly of the beast. The residence of an extremely scary former delinquent who loved her brother more than anything in the world.

And of course, the two of us unnaturally hanging around near the front door was enough to immediately trigger her various nee-chan alarms. [6]

"...what are you two doing?"

Danger! Danger! Danger!

No man's land was such a dreadful place to be in!

Under her suspicious glare, all of my anger instantly reverted back into terror, causing me to release Taishi and back off.

"N-Nothing! We're just having a man-to-man talk."

Yes... if one just looked at the facts, I had not actually performed any acts of violence yet. A lesser man than me would probably have beaten this insect half to death and gotten caught in the act. Fortunately, I had been raised in a civilized society by upstanding parents. Such murderous impulses had been delayed while I concocted a proper method of secretly disposing the bod- I mean, while I filled my heart with moral goodness to suppress them.

Scratch that, actually I was so intrinsically good, that I didn't have any violent thoughts at all! That's why, please stop staring at me like that, I'm about to wet myself in fear!

"Yeah nee-chan, I was just talking with onii-san."

For some reason, Taishi collaborated my story, causing Kawasaki to relax her glare and saving me from soiled undies. No I guess he was also well aware that if Kawasaki went berserk here, the entire house would probably be razed to the ground.

"H-Hmm..."

Kawasaki alternated her gaze between me and Taishi. The world came to a standstill while the two of us smiled awkwardly, awaiting judgement.

Scary! Was she checking to see whether there were any signs of a fight? I could totally imagine her counting the number of hairs on Taishi's head, and if even a single one of them was missing, she would blow a fuse and feed me to the fishes. Judging from previous experience, Kawasaki's brother complex was probably strong enough to push her to murder me in the name of protecting Taishi. Such excessive love for her younger sibling was seriously creepy. Like seriously, I couldn't understand it at all.

...

I mean, it wasn't like I was even a real threat to Taishi, you know? After all, even though that cheeky brat just used the opportunity to call me 'onii-san' again, all while knowing that I couldn't hit him because Kawasaki was looking, my heart was so full of forgiveness that I just let it go. Sure I made a mental record of it, but the fact that I didn't immediately punch him was all the proof one needed to show my good-naturedness. Truly the level of my kindness was bordering on sainthood.

Yeah, as it turns out, I wasn't just some regular 'onii-san', I was 'saint onii-san'. [7]

Suddenly, I saw some movement on Kawasaki's back. My overactive imagination then predicted the future, filling my mind with images of Kowaisaki pulling out a claymore or a pair of nunchucks to beat me to death. Or maybe it would be both. Maybe she would grow 6 arms like Asura and simultaneously use multiple weapons to brutally destroy my body. [8]

Father, Mother, I am sorry but your son will be leaving this world before you. I hope that Komachi will learn from my mistakes and lead a happier life than I did. If possible, I would also have liked to have seen Totsuka smile one last time...

Then I noticed that Kawasaki's two hands weren't anywhere near her back. So those movements couldn't have belonged to her.

Focusing my eyes, I quickly discovered the true owner. It was a strangely familiar-looking little girl, who up until now had somehow remained innocently asleep on the back of the death god, unaware of how close the situation had come to becoming a bloodbath.

No, actually, she was probably the sole reason the situation didn't end in a bloodbath. She was both physically and mentally holding Kawasaki back.

Rubbing her eyes sleepily as she woke up, Kawasaki Keika mumbled a single word that marked the end of the deadly standoff. "...Saa-chan?"

"Ah. Kei-chan, we are home!" Distracted by the cute little angel on her back, Kawasaki broke into a caring smile as she released Keika from her back and gently placed her on the ground. As a result, I too was also released from Kawasaki's mystic eyes of petrification, regaining my freedom of movement. [9]

Kawasaki Keika proceeded to look all over the place, confirming her surroundings while drawing the attention of the three teenagers with her various adorable movements. Then, when her gaze fell on me, she stopped and tilted her head.

Ah... I had been forgotten. She was probably wondering who the weird stranger in her home was. *Sob*.

Well I guess it was obvious. Considering my low encounter rate with Kawasaki, the number of times I had even seen Keika could be counted on my fingers. One could objectively say that I was the strange one for remembering her. Ah, it wasn't like I was particularly memorizing her details okay? My memory just happened to be above average, that's all. Really!

"...Haa...chan?"

Ahhh it was no good... all the bad memories of being one-sidedly forgotten in elementary school were flooding back. All those disgusted stares from my classmates who thought I was a stranger they had never met before, all those t- EH?! S-She... she remembered me?

I was so flabbergasted at the fact that someone remembered me that I barely managed to stammer a response "O-Oh. Kei-chan, long time no see."

"Haa-chan!" Having confirmed my identity, the little girl turned into an energetic bundle of joy that rushed towards me and grabbed my sleeve. "You know, you know, Keika wants to show you something!"

[1] Normally, this line should be "I am going to be killed!" XD Luckily, this isn't a Yandere story.

[2] Reference to "Durarara". Hachiman's line should be read in Heiwajima Shizuo's voice :p.

[3] A short lesson on Japanese honorifics: "(Surname)-san" is the Japanese equivalent of "Mr (Surname)", but it is gender neutral and used a lot more often. Typically, "(Surname)-san" has to be used whenever you refer to a person who is either older than you, or the same age but female. Calling them by anything else is considered extremely rude, and is only allowed if you have a closer relationship. Hence Hachiman going ballistic when he hears that Taishi is no longer calling Komachi 'Hikigaya-san'.

[4] Well, at least in those manga that aimed at younger audiences. Definitely not in One-Punch Man lol.

[5] Taishi MIA in S2 Anime :(.

[6] "nee-chan" is the female equivalent of "onii-chan". I.e. It means elder sister.

[7] "Saint Onii-san" is a slice-of-life manga about Jesus and Buddha taking a vacation on Earth.

[8] Asura is a supernatural being with multiple heads and arms. Appears in a lot of anime, most notably Zoro from One Piece. Something about having multiple arms to use multiple weapons at once appeals to Chuunis I guess XD.

[9] Reference to Rider in Fate/Stay Night, which itself is a reference to the mythical creature Medusa, who has the supernatural ability to cause anyone who looks in her eyes to turn into stone.

Author's Note: After the last chapter's cliffhanger, a few people guessed what I was going for, and some others got very excited to see Iroha... I did say she wasn't going to be the heroine. Your princess is in another story x_x. *Hides*

Anyway, is the new story cover image working for anyone? It seems to randomly reset back to the author image (or not load at all), not sure how to fix that.

Also, with slower updates and shorter chapters, you can tell I have run into a problem. The thing is, I have an ending that I really really reaaaaally want to write (because I personally find it funny), but I have almost no events in between now and bedtime. And when I just write randomly, somehow 8man just keeps running into bad ends... the entire place is a minefield of bad ends x_X. (Mainly because of Taishi. He's totally getting in the way! Komachi will never forgive him!) So yeah, even this chapter had to be rewritten over and over. Here's part of an earlier draft for example.

Deleted Scene

...I opened and clenched my fists a few times as I got ready to enforce capital punishment. Don't worry Komachi, onii-chan will protect you and get rid of this-

"What are you doing to Taishi!?"

Turning to look behind me, I witnessed the terrifying delinquent riding her bicycle towards me at full speed. She was exuding an aura of wrath and glaring at me with extreme hostility. What had been Kawaiisaki earlier today had now returned to being Kowaisaki in all of her former delinquent glory. Her intensity was so strong that I could swear her hair was beginning to defy gravity.

This time I was really going to be killed! My life was going to come to an end all because this damn brocon had such unhealthy levels of affection for her brother that she was willing to commit murder to protect him. Ugh, seriously, people who were so overprotective of their younger siblings were just disgusting. I couldn't understand them at all.

Without bothering to properly park her bicycle, Kowaisaki threw it to the side when she got close and dashed towards us, looking ready to go Super-Saiyan at any moment.

Frankly, I should probably have resigned myself to my fate at that point, but a vision of Komachi crying over my coffin caused me to make a last ditch attempt at survival no matter how pointless it seemed. Hurriedly, I put some distance between myself and Taishi and stammered a random excuse.

"N-Nothing! We're just having a man-to-man talk."

"Yeah nee-chan, we are just talking."

For some reason, Taishi cooperated with me. I guess even he didn't want the surroundings to be completely obliterated by the vengeful god before us. As a result, Kawasaki came to a halt right before I entered her killing range.

Nevertheless, she continued to stare at us suspiciously. "Really?"

Both of us nodded frantically, causing Kawasaki to relax her glare. Hmm... perhaps I would survive after all?

But when we heaved a sigh of relief, Kawasaki suddenly pounced. While I was frozen in terror, she lifted up Taishi's shirt and began checking for signs of injury.

"Wha...? Nee-chan, what are you doing? N-Not in front of onii-san!"

Scary! Her thoroughness was terrifying!

I was so thankful that I was a morally upright person. If I wasn't such a good person, I am sure I would have already attacked this poisonous insect, and the evidence from that act of violence would have sealed my fate. The fact that I still didn't move to strike him even though he continued to call me 'onii-san' could only be because my virtue was bordering on sainthood. Truly, I wasn't just some regular 'onii-san', I was 'saint onii-san'.

While thanking my parents for raising me to be such a model citizen, I suddenly noticed the presence of a fourth person. Amazingly, there was a little girl who was somehow remaining peacefully asleep throughout all of this chaos. And this was despite the fact that she was being carried on the back of the frenzied delinquent queen who currently tussling with her brother.

...

Just how were the children in the Kawasaki family raised!?

Author's Note 2: In this version, 8man confronted Taishi before he closed the front door, so Kawasaki managed to see a lot more of his threatening behavior. Some parts were funnier (I think?), but after that I couldn't see a way for 8man to reach a happy end (or even survive), so it was back to the drawing board x_x.

As usual, thanks for all the reviews. Some responses:

bosdicha: I-It's not yandere! The worst thing that can happen is he gets caught and put to work, not death lol :p.

LightningDestroyer: Ahhh I wanna write the Hikki dream so badly, but that's only near the end :(.

Judicar Deimos: Parts of chapter 9 now have been rewritten. Admittedly the Jaws theme would have been awesome, but I couldn't see a good way to fit it in (having two different "auditory hallucinations" simultaneously would be pretty weird even for 8man).

GraveDigger123: O_O. No animals were or will be harmed in the making of this story x_x! Not even imaginary ones! The only thing getting tortured is Zaimokuza, who is probably being interrogated around this time for information on 8man's location, except Zaimokuza doesn't know it :(. Well, Chuuni claims he is human, but we aren't so sure...

BigKokujin: Your story suddenly became fluffy and intimate, so the non-conformist in me demanded I fill the void lol.

testamentKaiser: To be fair to the Yukinon of this fic, the timeline for this fic diverged from canon at the end of volume 9, so the whole dependence thing never happened. Hikki screwing up all over during Shizuka's Rampage and the aftermath probably would have broken all her illusions of him being someone she could depend on lol :(. Finally, it's not 'you', it's 'Kawasaki Taishi'! Wait no! That's not my name! ARGHH! *Disappears*