a/n: Recommended listening for this chapter: Punching in a Dream by The Naked and Famous and First by Cold War Kids
This chapter has been almost done for the past two months, so I wrapped it up.
Warning: it can't all be fluff, guys. Pardon the angst (stay tuned for the fluff).
Chapter 10: Catharsis
The sunlight streams in through the window. Ren is reading at her desk during the lunch break. But something isn't right- where did the background noise go? The conversations and the like that she'd tuned out in favor of the words on the page? She looks up.
The classroom is empty. Silent, save for the message written in chalk on the blackboard: two characters that ruined her childhood. Die.
She's upset. It's the angry kind of upset that she almost never is. Leaving her book on her desk, she stalks for the board, hands balled into fists and she swings, knuckles coming away bloody with a smattering of white dust.
Again.
Flesh meets slate and there's a crack as the slate fractures. Again.
Crack. Again.
Slate fragments fall to the floor and she's looking at drywall, her knuckles a mess of yellow-green bruises, blood, and chalk. It feels good for a split second and then she feels the eyes on her.
Slowly, she turns her head to the side and there they are in her periphery. Her classmates. Her friends.
"What are you doing, Ren?"
There's something off about Tadashi's voice and it's chilling.
"I was angry, alright?" she explains. "I just needed to get rid of it." She gestures in the direction of the board.
"Get rid of what?"
Yachi peers out from behind Tadashi, her mouth hidden behind her hand. Her eyes appear concerned, but is she... smiling?
Ren turns back to the board and all traces of the die are gone. It's bloodied, broken slate and they think she's making it up.
Oh no.
"Someone wrote something... not nice on the board. Aimed at me."
"Dumbass?"
That's Kageyama. This time the word bites.
She's not dumb. "No." She's still upset, less at the message and more at how her friends aren't taking her seriously.
"How not nice was it?" A flash of orange, mocking tone and a very uncharacteristic sneer are setting off alarms. She takes a step back, but bumps into someone.
Ohhh no.
Tsukki looks down at her, his gaze scrutinizing. His smirk is void of any lighthearted teasing. "Did someone by chance-" he pauses to leer at her- "tell you to die?"
She swallows, attempting to find words to respond, to ask if they're deliberately misunderstanding her, and then... they're laughing.
Laughing like her misfortunes are nothing and her feelings unfounded.
The pain from punching the blackboard is no longer skin deep- with their laughter it's descending into her veins, into her bones- it's constricting her ribcage around her lungs. But the hurting isn't waking her up, making her want to act- no. It's making her afraid.
It's a familiar fear. She's afraid of being alone... if she's by herself, it's no longer them telling her to die.
It's her.
Ren doesn't know if her tears started while she was asleep or after she woke up. Her room is a blurry mess, and she pulls her pillow into her arms as she shakes, silent in the darkness.
It wasn't fair. Her friends would never say those things to her. They wouldn't. She knows they wouldn't, so why was her subconscious tormenting her?
Shuddering, she pulls her pillow tighter against her and shuts out the thoughts.
Well, she tries. As much as she wants to, she can't erase the doubt. As baseless as it is, it hurts the same.
The loneliness isn't a pang- it's a slow motion collision and she sees it coming and lets it approach, doing nothing to stop it. It slams into her but it's almost painless, the way she thinks crying will help her heal, and maybe she does feel a little better.
It's not enough. She's off, floating in the open ocean of emotions that she doesn't want. Where is land? Where is her gravity?
She sits up, relinquishing her pillow and snags a tissue, blowing her nose and hating the loud noise she makes. It's a dead giveaway that she's upset and she needs to calm down. But how?
A cup of tea sounds good. Really good, actually.
After wiping her tears and taking a few deep breaths, she slowly opens the door to her room and heads into the kitchen. Flipping on the small overhead oven light, she runs some water into the hot water pot and turns it on, pulling out the green tea leaves and a mug. The tiny strainer is next, and she measures out a small portion of tea leaves into it.
The water is getting close to boiling, so Ren cuts the heat and pours the hot water over the tea leaves and lets it steep. A sigh escapes her. She tosses the steeped leaves probably a bit too early but doesn't care. Picking up the mug, she flinches- hot!
It falls, clinking against the edge of the countertop, tea spilling out and she's frozen as the mug crashes into the hardwood floor.
Crack.
Her resolve is splintering like the slate from her dream. She bites her lip so it won't tremble and winces, tasting blood because she bit too hard.
There's a loud bang and she looks up, cringing, vision blurred by the onset of tears, but yep, that's Tsukki staring at her.
Ren brings her arm up over her eyes, pretending that will block her from his line of sight. "I'll c-clean it up. I- I just... wanted some tea."
There's no noise, no movement, so she peeks back out, and he's still there. Please go away. She throws out her hands in his direction. "Don't look at me."
His footsteps head towards her, and then he's there, too close for comfort but her limbs won't move. He swipes a kitchen towel, drops it over the puddle of tea sprinkled with porcelain fragments, and then her feet are no longer touching hardwood where did the floor go.
Tsukki is carrying her. Out of the kitchen, through the living room, and into his room. He sits down on his bed with her still in his arms and slowly lets her go. Daring to look at him, she glances to her right.
He's not looking at her. As though he can feel her gaze, he runs a hand through her hair, saying quietly, "I won't look."
Reassured, she turns her head to rest on his shoulder and cries.
Kei's almost asleep when he hears the clatter. He's out of bed and throwing open his door, wide awake in a matter of moments.
He sees her. She's staring at something on the ground and then she looks up at him.
She's biting her lip, and the look in her eyes scares him. Hollow. A feeling he's had experience with, but on her it's physically painful to witness.
Hiding her eyes behind her arm, she opens her mouth to speak. "I'll c-clean it up," she stutters.
She's been crying.
Who the hell hurt her this time?
"I- I just... wanted some tea." Her voice trails off.
Kei has no idea how to comfort her. She's not Tadashi. She's not the team. She's... she's Ren. She's brilliant, kind, perceptive, amusing- and she's hurting.
Ren drops her arm, and finding that he hasn't moved, looks away and throws up her hands. "Don't look at me," she pleads quietly.
Ignore her?
He can't do that on purpose, not now. Not after she tied his gut in a knot with just her eyes. Not after everything she's done for him. He still remembers tripping over her the night she made him soup. She'd fallen asleep against the door- on purpose, he was sure- so she didn't miss him coming back.
She never fails to let him know she cares. How should he go about helping her?
Kei heads in her direction. Upon seeing the splatter of tea and porcelain, he snags a dish towel and places it over the crash site. The mess can be cleaned up in the morning. Bending down, he braces an arm against the back of her knees and the other behind her shoulders. Then he scoops her off the floor.
He carries her into his room and sits down on his bed, sliding back against the headboard before carefully releasing her. She's looped her arms around his neck and her knees are very close to his chin.
After a moment, she tenses, and he looks away as she raises her head a little. Is she waiting for him to say something? Should he say something?
He should probably say something.
Taking a second, Kei recalls that she asked him to not look at her. His hand drifts into her hair and gently slides through it, a gesture to calm her. (Definitely not because her hair is silky. Most definitely not.)
"I won't look," he finally says.
Ren sags in- relief?- and leans her head into his shoulder. Her tears form a damp spot on his shirt, something he chooses to ignore in favor of playing with her hair.
There has to be a better word for playing, but it's not coming to him. Besides, she hasn't told him to stop.
Her sobs have ceased, leaving the room a bit too quiet. Trying not to disturb her too much, he reaches for his phone and powers on his speakers. Untangling his fingers from her hair, he scrolls through his playlists for something appropriate.
Kei lies down as he wades through the lengthy list of them, finally settling on a mellow collection of some of her favorites. Ren shifts on the mattress beside him, her fingers grazing his arm. He tries not to flinch in surprise, looking over at her curiously. She blinks blearily, not making eye contact as she slips her hand under his.
The dull undertones of lyrics filter into the silence: I'm just getting used to this/my fingers are arguing over which/one of them gets to climb down your wrist/introduce themselves to yours first
"I called my brother," he says quietly.
The sheets rustle and the pillow shifts as Ren looks up at him. "How was it?"
How was it, indeed. "Not terrible," he admits.
"No arguing?" A ghost of a smile lights her face.
"Not this time."
"So there's going to be a next time?"
Kei sighs. "He's going to be at the house for winter break." It's been in the back of his mind. He used to head home when he knew his brother would be out. It was a strategic process. Being at home with him... it's been a while.
Ren gently pushes his shoulder with her free hand. "You should see him," she says. "I'll try to find a seat on my parents' flight."
He knows that's the other reason he's hesitating.
Ren's parents are going to visit family in Singapore, and she'd declined their offer to join them a while ago. He still wasn't sure exactly why, but figured she didn't want him spending the holiday alone.
Kei doesn't mind being alone and he usually prefers it. He's also been questioning when "alone" started to include Ren.
"You should come with me," he finds himself suggesting. His mom wouldn't mind. The house had room. (She'd stop parading around in his clothes? Maybe?)
Her feet, which have been shifting around, come to a stop. "That's nice of you, but-"
"If you're worried about being a burden, you're not."
Her breath catches, and her bottom lip trembles.
That was not supposed to make her upset.
He sighs. "No more crying," he says quietly, sharply flicking her forehead.
Ren's protest of "hey!" is weak.
"Go to sleep," he mutters, rolling over to turn off the music when her arms trap him.
"Mmpf, Kei," she mumbles into his shirt.
"Ren, I'm turning off the music."
"No."
"... Fine." He sets a timer and lies back down.
"Kei, you're squishing my arm."
"Too bad."
She wriggles her arm free and curls up, facing away from him.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
"Relax," he says, reaching his arm over and tugging her closer. It's only after her back presses against his chest that he thinks that maybe she's too close.
Since she doesn't protest, he leaves his arm where it is now- resting loosely on her hip. "Go to sleep," he repeats.
"Only if you shut up," she mutters, and he smiles, falling asleep to strawberries and faint song lyrics.
You're my satellite
You're riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find
You're my satellite
a/n:
This chapter features song lyrics from Many Lives by Andrew Belle and Satellite by Guster
Other songs that probably play in the background from Tsukki's playlist (secretly titled Ren IV or something because he definitely has more than one for her): I Don't Mind - The Eames Era; Go to Sleep - The Eames Era
More plot is coming! Stay tuned, and thank you for your continued support~
To Akabane Kayo: You're in luck- the next update is here! I'm not sure about the one after this one, though. I'm glad you find Ren to be not irritating. Tsukki wouldn't be interested in her if she was- probably. And yes, they're cute, so here's a little of them being cute together. More will be coming. (P.S. Hinata is very "woah.")