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Chapter 5 – Hands – Derek Shepherd
"Take care of that letter, it's basically her heart."
Alex Karev's words rang through Derek's head intermittently now. He could be almost anywhere – well anywhere outside the OR – and he would hear Alex's warning and think of Meredith and her letter and the kindness of her heart. The letter remained where he left it since Alex had given it to him a week ago, safe and secure, tucked inside his worn copy of The Sun Also Rises, his most prized piece of fiction. Whenever he thought about the letter he also fought the urge to open it – he so badly wanted that piece of her – that tangible reminder that she was once here and she did exist, that she wasn't just an elaborate dream.
For he already missed Meredith in a huge way and in truth, he more than ached for her heart (even if it was presently in that envelope).
He awoke most days with the memory of her all over him – his need for her pulsing through his veins, fueling his heart – and he always went to sleep with her, for in his dreams she was there with him and she was happy. He longed to see Meredith happy; he longed to hear her melodic voice and that contagious giggle of hers. And for all those reasons, he refused to open her letter –because if he did, it would unleash her goodbye – and it would make their ending real and then her aura might vanish … and with his whole heart, if that were to happen, he knew he would disappear too.
Derek's chest tightened, he looked over at his bedside table now – the letter haunting him – all he had to do was cross the small space, open the drawer and retrieve it, but he couldn't. He remained frozen in his spot instead – half in, half out, half here, half there – his fingers wrapped around the door handle, his heart restless to leave the enclave of the trailer. A shiver coursed up and down his spine and finally rankled around in his heart; it stung him there like a bee. Damn it Meredith, where are you? Silent with concern and frustration, tears collected in his eyes, but he did nothing to wipe them away. Instead, he pulled the door open and with clouded vision, he stepped outside and turned his attention back the task at hand.
He had taken an extra day off and planned to prepare for his fishing trip with Burke, but first he wanted to get out and take walk before that all-too important meeting with the architect this afternoon. And after his dear sister Nancy showed up yesterday, Derek realized more than ever that really needed the time off, he really needed to get away – but not to solely be alone like she had suggested – for Derek knew it was going to take a lot more than a fishing trip to get his head screwed on straight.
In the end it all came down to trust of the heart.
For Derek knew he had been left with extreme trust issues after what happened between Addison and Mark. He stood still for a moment then, just to breathe the fresh damp air into his lungs and push it down into his core. Yes, it was true, for after Derek discovered their betrayal of him and her vows … he fled. And after he vowed to start over here in Seattle, he only fled again. In reality, Derek never owned that new start – he never planted himself here – he merely swept those miserable cheaters and his hopes and dreams for a new beginning under the carpet when Meredith all but materialized in his life.
But now, he could flee no more – because the time for his new beginning was upon him – and this time, there was even more at stake … his future with Meredith was on the line and he would be damned if he let anything stand their way, least of all himself.
It was just after 1PM and Derek had a couple of hours before his appointment, everything would be okay, they would both be okay, Meredith was safe, he reasoned. He just needed to get out and clear his head, ready himself for this afternoon. He walked down the small set of steps and started around the side of the trailer to grab the small shovel he'd planned on using. He pulled the shovel out and started to head down to the clearing. As he walked he realized, he'd likely admit to anyone (even Addison) that while she lived out here with him, he would use hiking or fishing as an excuse – just to avoid everything that had gone wrong in his life – it wasn't for the sake of being alone or rejuvenating or a time for reflection, he really just wanted to escape all that his life had become.
But now, now things were different, he had no one to escape from but himself and truthfully he didn't want to – he wanted to live again – feel again, and breathe the clean air again. It was time to start feeling the joy and potential of this land. The sky was bright and the weather was surprisingly mild for the moment, the air was warm and damp and it reminded Derek of the first spring rain in New York, the one that was typically warm and washed the remnants of winter away with it, leaving behind nothing but a balmy residue.
He stood still for a moment again, a light wind moved up and over him as he planted his feet there. Relief washed over him … he was alone. He smiled and looked up and into the aging Douglas fir trees – they hung like cloaked monks, their limbs covered with a fabric made of leaves, swaying in the wind without a care in the world – the air smelled so good, it remained the most invigorating natural air he had ever breathed in, with just the right combination of earth, pine, composted leaves, salt water and moss. All he could hear was the light push of the wind through the trees and the distant trickle of the water, a bird calling here or there – and that was it, for miles and miles, for forty acres or even more – silence had never been so … alive.
He walked down and around a little bit towards the clearing and marveled at how untouched the land was – even with the tumult in his life – Derek knew he could still count on the predictability and stability of this land … his homeland. He longed to feel how he did when he first moved out here– not the broken man Addison left behind or the man who was hell-bent on hiding of course – but the small optimistic part of the man who had this dream of a fresh start.
Derek wanted to be that man again; he wanted to be the man Meredith fell in love with … and gave her heart to (even if it was in stuck inside that envelope now).
And, as much as Addison begged and pleaded for them to move off of this treasured land, he would have never done it, for doing that would have been tantamount to giving up the dream of the new beginning. And he wasn't about to do that. It was true, what he so vehemently told her last week – all he wanted was Seattle (and he really didn't care if ever saw her or Mark again) – he just wanted to rebuild his life in peace. He needed peace of mind and to feel peace in the small piece of his heart that remained.
He also knew he would have never built a home out here to share with Addison. It just didn't feel right, for as much Derek wanted Seattle, deep down, he probably always knew he wouldn't have had Seattle with Addison. They just didn't mix, although it wasn't about Meredith either as much as it was about hisdesire to move forward and on and out of the hole of his life had become. Somehow when Derek met Meredith she restored his optimism for hope without even trying. He was captivated by her, she mystified him from the moment he met her and he never looked back.
And so it was true – that after they met again that next day at Grace when fate reared her beautiful head – that Derek's desire for his new beginning became his reality.
For there was this undeniable connection between them – an invisible fishing line, a tie, a bond, their thing – the same one that had saved him over and over and over again since they met. That same link was still fused –soul to soul – even now when he had no idea where she was … yes, Meredith was still with Derek in mind, body and spirit.
He still felt her all around him – all the time – it was the aura of her, just a whiff, ever-present, safe and secure deep within his heart.
Derek turned and walked down and over to the right, briefly glancing at Doc's grave, the fresh soil was weathered somewhat now. He knelt down for a closer look at the fresh soil; it was a rich dark brown, full of untapped nutrients and natural fertilizers. It was not exactly the salt of the earth – but it was his – his to plant seeds of dreams in, his to nurture, his to cultivate … just his. He looked up and over the small mound of the gravesite, if it were not for the small white stones Derek had placed there, one might not know it was a gravesite at all. It was a simple tribute really, one that Meredith envisioned and he was happy to make for her – Doc was right where she wanted him to be – he stood up and let his eyes roll over the water in front of him. It was still, quiet, calm … everything he was starting to feel inside. His eyes darted down, Derek let his mind rest on Doc and he shook his head then, instantly flooded with shutters of memories from the day he died.
Meredith's hand submersed in Doc's soft golden fur.
Derek's fingers brushing against hers for the briefest of moments.
The electric current that passed between them.
Invisible fishing lines reattached.
Souls reunited.
Meredith's big, round tears.
The last beat of Doc's heart.
The tight feeling in Derek's chest.
Her wide, tortured eyes over the loss of her savior.
Meredith coming down the steps to the Prom.
His wide eyes as she danced with Finn.
Derek's carnal rage over losing her.
Their fighting words to one another.
They both cared about the tragic beauty … of them.
The trail of goose bumps along Meredith's dewy flesh when Derek first touched her with his hands.
The indentations of her fingernails into his shoulders.
Meredith's heartbeat under his palm.
His hands submersed in her wild tresses, Derek's need to wield control over their kisses.
The taste of her skin.
Her long fingers around the base of his cock as she led him safely home.
The familiar warmth of her depths.
The look of torture-filled pleasure in her gateways as he found their perfect tempo.
His heartbeat under her palm.
The euphoria of their bubble.
Magnets no longer repelled.
Skin on skin, flesh around flesh, muscles around muscles.
Blissful oblivion … their clinging bodies …raspy breathing … buoys for each other once again.
It meant something, what did it mean?
The rebirth of their passion, their love or even more simply put … the tragic beauty of them.
And that he had loved her for … ever.
Derek heard the muted clank of the shovel as it hit the hard earth next to his feet. He was jarred from his reverie, his eyes wet, his heart racing. "Meredith," he heard himself call out breathlessly.
He looked up to find her sea green gateways, but instead was slammed with a blur of movement, looming fir trees danced all around him in the wind, it was like nature's kaleidoscope – leaves, cloud cover, earth, green, white, brown – all meshed together for a brief moment in time. His heart raged in his chest, fever pricked his skin, he reached out to find her … but it was hopeless. He felt the tease of her aura, he turned around again to catch her – but she wasn't there, she wasn't anywhere – he was alone.
Meredith was gone, but she was still here … somewhere.
Derek turned away from Doc's grave and focused on the water instead – he watched as it moved, shimmying ever so slightly just under the surface – the blue-green mossy color was rich, as deep as the life running through it. The sky above him was white, yet hopelessly cloudless and overcast … it was bright, unforgiving and yet for the first time in weeks he could feel the sun's strong rays seep down through the low clouds and cover him like a warm blanket fresh out of the dryer.
Meredith, where in the world are you? Are you still here?
She was everywhere, but nowhere all at the same time! Derek felt so lost, so very lost all of a sudden. He thought to call someone to clear his head – but there was no "someone" – no "someone" who would be in his corner at the boxing match. No "someone" who would pick him up after he had been knocked down like he was right now. But he knew this is what it all came down to – being alone – and making it through to the other side. His heart clenched inside his chest – bang, bang, bang – and it wouldn't let up, fear and fever pricked his skin again. Derek was alone and he was scared and those positive feelings he had moments ago all but vanished … because Derek was not this man, the man who was alone and happy about it!
Because Derek wanted more out of life, he needed more for this new beginning … he ached for Meredith to come back, but not to save him – just to be with him – to be his "someone". He took a deep breath and smiled tightly – he could do this and come out on the other side – he just needed a constant reminder that he had no one to turn to but himself. He was still him, deep down inside, he was still the man Meredith fell in love with!
And with that realization, he came to terms with his mission – he would be no good for Meredith until he was healed from his deep-rooted fears of betrayal and trust – and he had to beat it, otherwise he had no hope to go the distance with her.
So with renewed fervor fueling his heart, Derek decided would take matters into his own hands. He leaned down and grabbed the shovel. He held it in his hands and walked towards the water and then down and to the left. He looked around, there seemed to be a natural ring of old pine trees that encircled the clearing area … a natural boundary of some sort. He briefly wondered why he never noticed it before. He turned around in a circle and watched the space around him twirl and twirl as he went and it was like he was seeing the land for the first time all over again – his eyes were wide, his heart was open – and suddenly he was right back where he started! He was back at his new beginning! He stood still and felt the faint warmth from the sun again, a flutter rushed through his body.
There she is again! Relief consumed him and overshadowed any doubt that remained.
He smiled and looked out over the water – it was glimmering, shimmering now – just like Meredith's cherished sunrise, a small miracle of life just for him … proof positive that he wasn't truly alone! Because he felt Meredith with him – for he carried her in his heart, wherever he went – she was there … she was omnipresent.
"You're still you?" came her lovely voice and the flash of her beautiful face.
"I'm still me," he answered truthfully.
And on that thought, he gripped the metal handle of the shovel, leaned down and plunged it into the rich soil – he rammed it deep into the earth with all the power he had in him – he put all of his weight behind it and broke ground – broke the precious ground in which he would build a home – and finally, finally lay down some roots in the here and now!
Derek leaned down and grabbed a handful of the damp, dark brown earth. He crumbled it in his hand and let it fall. He took a deep breath in and smelled the earthy remnant as it whipped up and into the variable breeze all around him.
Change was in the air!
Derek closed his eyes for half of a second, Meredith's aura encapsulated him, she was with him in spirit – and today was the day – today he would start to rebuild, he would create a home – he would create a life – he would become whole and healed and ready.
Meredith was with him, forever and always – their bubble was alive and well – he could feel it now as it gave him strength and hope and everything in between.
And so, as Derek took one last look around, he knew that he had reached the turning point, the point of no return. Without looking back, he would meet the architect today– he would rebuild and recognize the potential for this land to become a home – he just wanted to belong, he needed to prove to himself and to Meredith that he wasn't going to walk away again. And in that he would have to close a blind eye to the presence of Mark Sloan at Seattle Grace and carryon like business as usual. He would have to try his best to release his mind of trying to figure out why Mark and Addison disregarded him so …why he failed to matter to them. He would let it all go. He was still him for Christ's sake! He would finalize his divorce and be left with nothing but Seattle – which was all he ever wanted – well, that and the enchanting Meredith Grey.
It was true, he was still him … and she was still her (wherever she was) … and in the end all he really wanted was for them to be … themselves together.
He had to have wider eyes like he did at the Prom that night – the night he came to terms with this feelings for Meredith – the night he found clarity, the night he realized he would vanish into the muted depths of nothingness if he didn't try to make something with her.
He had to see more, he had to live more fiercely and chase his dreams – he had to see the peace and tranquility that could be found within him – he had to learn to embody it, because only then would he be able to seek Meredith out and prove to her that her heart did indeed have a home, that it did not belong in that envelope all by itself.
And by God, when he found her, he could only pray that she would hear him out and be ready to share this home – the future home of their hearts – with him.
Chapter 6 to follow.