Season Two – Ep. Three

"Besting the Best"

"There is NO way you'll be able to do that, and I don't care whether it's real or if this is just a TV episode," Hazel Levesque warned Percy Jackson on his intended plans.

"Do you know how much credit I'd get if I did though? They may be the best but they can be topped!" Percy countered.

"If you honestly believe you can outsmart Athena and out-hunt Artemis, you have another thing coming."

"I know I have another thing coming. It'll be in the mail soon."

"See? That joke is why you have fewer viewers than last week."

"Hey, if it's one thing I know how to do, it's kill a joke. If killing it was a sport then call me serial."

"Seriously. Why did they put you on television?"

"You think you can outsmart me? Hah! I pity your wishful thinking, Jackson," Athena spat as Percy stood tall with a smug expression.

"Tell you what, if I can outsmart you, then…you have to pay for my next date with Annabeth, no matter how expensive."

"Bring it on."

Nico and Ares stood silent, twiddling their thumbs. Nico looked up.

"Um, I didn't really get any instructions for the cutaway…not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing right now…Percy, can you please take over again?"

Chach. Percy's voice scoffed over the microphone.

"OK, if you eat this apple, onion, and potato with your nose plugged, they will all taste the same," Percy dared Athena. The Goddess of Wisdom scoffed once more.

"As if," she countered, taking a bite of all three objects. To her bafflement, Percy was correct. They all tasted the same.

"Preposterous! How did you know that was true?"

"Wikipedia."

"Figures."

"Now did you know that if you say 'gullible' really slowly, it sounds like 'oranges'?"

"No way…guuu-uu-ll-ii-bb-llleee. No it—oh shit."

"I'll have your cash by this Saturday, dumbass."

"HA! You think you can beat me. I'm the Goddess of the Hunt, boy! You cannot beat me at archery."

"If I do, then I get to make out with any one of your Hunters," Percy said nonchalantly.

"Absolutely not! Pick something else."

"I guess you're just afraid."

"No! As if…I would never be threatened by you."

"No, no, I get it. However, imagine, you're just saying no because you'll be beaten by a boy. As in male. As in, I have an impressively large penis."

Jason Grace and Leo Valdez sat awkwardly on a dark stage, the camera focusing on their faces. Leo coughed. Jason grimaced.

"Yeah, sorry folks, it looks like Percy has a habit of cutting to other people without warning them or saying shit."

If I don't hear you say some shit in the next few seconds, you'll be off this show!

"MAN, SUCK MY CHESTNUTS!"

"OK, let's just get back to Percy Jackasss—er, Jackson, ok?" Leo interjected.

Artemis watched as Percy fired a single arrow directly at the bulls-eye, making it perfectly. He simply smirked and backed away, allowing Artemis to take the floor.

As the Goddess prepared to fire, Percy felt a violent sneeze rise within him. Just as Artemis took her shot, Percy freed the beast. "AAHHHH-CHOOOOOOO!" he roared. Artemis was so thrown-off; she missed the bulls-eye and landed in the second level.

"WHHHHATTTTTTT?" the Goddess screamed, loud enough for the entirety of Olympus to hear. "THERE IS NO WAY. I DEMAND A REMATCH. YOU DISTRACTED ME!"

"No! You distracted me too but I still made it!"

"How on Olympus did I distract you?"

"With…dat ass."

Artemis was a second away from eyeing down a freshly turned jackalope. "You know what?" she said calmly. "Fine. I'll bring you one of the hottest, best Hunters we have."

Artemis walked out moments later with Thalia in tow. Percy almost barfed.

"You brought me—my cousin? No! That wasn't part of the deal."

"She's your prize, Perseus. DO it. Make out with your prize," Artemis taunted. Thalia just looked back and forth between the two, frightened of the outcome.

"Lady Artemis," Thalia spoke up, "I can't do this. He's my cousin, my close friend."

"If you don't kiss him, I'm kicking you out of the Hunters."

Ironyyyyyy.

Thalia was shoved in front of Percy, awkwardly feeling his breath on her face. She'd never admit it, but it smelt great. Percy leaned in, scared to death, and quickly pecked her.

"Percy, you're supposed to use—you, know—your tongue?"

Percy awkwardly stuck out his appendage and licked Thalia's front teeth, when Connor and Travis Stoll walked out and chortled loudly, and audience laughing in tow.

"OH MY GODS THIS IS PERFECT!" Connor laughed. "AND WE HAVE EVERY LAST SECOND ON TAPE! STOLLS' SHOW IS GOING TO SKY-ROCKET NOW!"

"Wait," Percy said slowly. "You mean you two planned this?"

"Two words, bromosexual: Perlia-Shippers. Ratings will increase by approximately 20.2%. Do you know how much that is? Almost an extra 200,000 viewers!"

Travis and Jason closed the camera in on a very embarrassed Percy Jackson and Thalia Grace.

"Percy, would you please deliver this episode's final joke?" Jason egged on behind Travis.

Percy froze, unable to say anything but the first thing that came to mind.

"Cock n' balls."

A/N: I definitely improvised that last line. Any ideas for new episodes? Feel free to share! I'm not afraid to get raunchy, so long as Zeus doesn't come down to strike me with his almighty lightning. Read and Review please!

– Chris