Strange Asylum

Chapter Ten: Perfectly Mad

Alice forced herself to stay still as she and the Hatter stared at each other across the terrace. Perhaps if she stayed quiet, and didn't move around a lot...

He took a step toward her.

Alice tried not to pay attention to the natural chemical racing through her veins that was screaming at her to run. She'd never had to run from him before, and there was no reason to do so now. Instead of overreacting, she remained where she was, and took deep breaths to stay calm.

Tarrant's head slowly inclined toward her in the dark, his face chillingly impassive even as his eyes burned like coals. Raw emotion was rolling off him in waves, and she could feel it.

"Do you knae what I want tae do tae ye, Alice?"

His voice was so quiet she could barely hear it. Alice sighed shakily. "I know."

Tarrant took another step toward her, his face bewildered. "Then why in th'bluidy hell aren't ye runnin, lass?"

Alice shook her head, her nails curling into her palms. "Don't get me wrong, I'm insecure as all get-out right now - but I want to be close to you a lot more than I want to run away."

Tarrant gaped at her.

"Stop looking at me that way," Alice said defensively. "There's nothing wrong with me... wanting you."

"Alice..."

"You make me nervous," Alice hurriedly confessed before he could say more. She wanted him to understand just how much she wanted this...wanted him. She turned her head away, and hid behind her hair, knotting her hands together behind her lower back. "One thing my mom always told me was that when a cute guy makes you nervous, that means you really like him."

The Hatter took a deep breath, but didn't say anything.

"Since I already really liked you, I figure it must mean I love you."

When he still didn't say anything, Alice stumbled on. "I know I'm not your innocent, perfect old Alice. I know I'm damaged goods, but...I do like you. I like spending time with you. I feel like a normal girl around you. You make me want normal things. I think I could be that with you."

"So? What do you think?" Alice turned back, shaking her hair out of her face - and felt her tentative smile disappear when she saw that Tarrant had apparently done the same.

He had vanished.

Alice finally found Mirana in the throne room when she found the courage to walk back inside the castle from the terrace. She came looking for her because she was afraid to be alone just then.

Mirana was seated on the edge of her throne, the brilliant room dim with night, and Alice was surprised to see the Queen looking almost as lonely as she felt.

Mirana glanced up to see her, and immediately held out her hand. "Alice? Whatever are you doing up?"

Alice felt her face crumple as she ran across the room. She fell on her knees next to the Queen and buried her face in her full, immaculate skirts.

"It's Tarrant. I - we were on this beautiful terrace, it was like a dream or something, and he kissed me, but I think he regretted it."

"Tarrant? Kissed you?" Mirana repeated disbelievingly, smoothing the hair on Alice's head.

"Yes. I told him I loved him."

"Oh, Alice, that's wonderful!"

Alice lifted her head and looked up at the beaming Mirana dismally. "It was...until he didn't say anything."

Mirana's smile slipped. "Oh, no."

"I told him I knew I wasn't perfect. That I knew I was damaged, but that he had to stop seeing me as the innocent, perfect old Alice."

Mirana leaned forward on her throne, seemingly captivated, her dark eyes wide. "What did he say?"

"I...well, he kind of didn't say anything."

Mirana arched a brow.

"Well, he kind of...left," Alice muttered, and buried her face in Mirana's pristine skirts again. "What did I do?" she wailed. "Do you think he hates me now?"

Mirana stroked the back of Alice's head, and sighed. "Never. And trust me Alice when I say trying to be perfect...will only make you mad."

He was sitting on his heels against the wall, when Mirana went to his dark rooms, his back leaning against it, hands loosely clasped in his lap. He was minus his coat, vest, cravat and hat, and his shirt was open to his waist, his pale skin gleaming in the moonlight streaming through the window. His head was resting back against the wall too, his large, red-rimmed eyes staring up at the ceiling.

"Tarrant, darling..." Mirana said sweetly, and he looked at her without moving his head, acknowledging her before looking backing at the ceiling again.

"Tarrant," she began again, her voice slowly building in volume, "would you mind very much telling me what the hell you think you are doing to my poor Alice?"

The Hatter dropped his chin to stare at her, completely agog. The Queen had never raised her voice to him before - nor had she cursed. Ever.

Mirana even seemed surprised by her outburst. "Ahem. Forgive me, I'm sorry. But I have had a nearly hysterical girl crying in my lap for the last hour. What have you done?"

"She wants to be normal now. I can't be normal. I don't even know what normal is," Tarrant lisped quietly.

"She wants to be with you, you silly fool," Mirana chided, more gently this time. "She knows what normal is - for her. Don't you see, Tarrant, she is finally healing. She is ready for more than just friendship with you. Alice loves you."

Tarrant closed his eyes. "She said I was 'cute'."

Mirana stifled a delighted giggle. Truthfully, she often thought the same, but she would never dare to speak it.

"What if she changes her mind? I don't think I can stand her leaving again."

"She won't."

"What if I'm not enough? I can never give her children, Mirana, you know that. It would be difficult for us to even be...intimate. Perhaps even dangerous." Tarrant swallowed, his distress obvious. "What if I can't give her what she wants?" he whispered, his voice heavy with aching doubt.

"The only thing she wants from you is your heart. Yet here you sit, you stubborn old Scot, breaking hers instead of doing something about it."

Tarrant set his jaw, setting his palms flat on the tops of his thighs. The rings around his eyes grew dark, and his eyes opened to narrow on her.

"Don't glare at me, Tarrant Hightopp," Mirana warned sharply. "I tell you, if you must be angry at someone, be angry at yourself!"

Tarrant slowly pushed himself up against the wall and stood, his green eyes becoming fierce. Mirana had to admit he made quite a sight, bare-chested, lean and tall, his lengthened, curly red hair windswept around his shoulders outlined in the moonlight.

Putting his hands on his hips, Tarrant sneered a little. "An' I tell ye, yer highness, there's guid reason ah'm called mad!"

"You are certainly mad if you think a beautiful young woman like Alice will wait forever for someone she thinks doesn't care for her. There are other men in Underland, Tarrant," Mirana said slyly. She watched her words hit home, and then put her fingers to her curling dark lips when Tarrant suddenly left the room without a word, the sound of his boots picking up a rapid pace as he swiftly disappeared down the hall.

Alice was lost in a wet haze of misery and tears in the pillows of her bed when the doors were suddenly thrown open hard enough to slam into the walls on either side and crack the plaster.

She sat up instantly, fingers clenching a certain precious hankerchief in her fist, eyes wide in surprise.

Tarrant stood there in the dark, half-dressed and practically growling. "There are nae other men in Underland!" he snarled angrily, his eyes glowing.

Alice stared at his bared chest and had to swallow before she could attempt to respond. Her tongue didn't want to move. "Why would I want another man?" she asked, confused and sniffling. Her nose was stuffy from crying, and she sounded about four-years-old.

Tarrant's passionate expression slowly changed, and he cautiously approached her, coming to sit gingerly on the edge of her bed.

Alice held the turquoise handkerchief to her nose and looked at him doubtfully. "Are you okay?"

Tarrant closed his eyes as the last of the fury and tension left him. "Ah, lass. Only you would ask after the feelin's of the mon who hurt ye."

Alice blinked.

Tarrant sighed, and leaned into her, resting his forehead tentatively on her shoulder. "I am sae tired, Alice-mine."

Alice's breath hitched, and then she lay down the handkerchief and lifted her hands to hold his head. "Then stay with me," she whispered pleadingly, her fingertips massaging his scalp. "Stay here, and sleep - we can talk later."

"I...shouldnae," he mumbled, but his head was already growing heavy on her shoulder. "I've behaved in a most dreadful manner."

Alice rested her head against his and rubbed her temple against his lean cheek. "Just lay beside me and rest your head, my sweet friend."

Tarrant mumbled something else, and Alice took a deep breath of his warm skin, his hair, before scooting over on the bed and easing him down onto a pillow. He settled in, his breaths already coming deep, soft and regular, and Alice took a moment to enjoy the thrill of him in her bed before she made her own weary self move. She unlaced his boots, grinning at the sight of his mismatched socks, and set them on the floor with care. She tugged the sheets out from under him with effort, and at last settled into the bed with a groan of relief.

Alice pulled the covers over the both of them as she dropped her head gratefully onto her own pillow. She was exhausted, but she couldn't bring herself to pass up the opportunity to watch him rest next to her, to sleep so deeply. She turned toward him, curling a lock of his hair around one finger as she looked at his pale profile in the darkness.

Alice cuddled her cheek deeper into her pillow. He looked peaceful at last, and she smiled, continuing to admire him until she fell asleep without even realizing it.

To be Continued