TANYA

Sleep was something beautiful. I had long forgotten what it was like to be able to forget about your problems for six to nine hours a day. I wished I still could. I had retired to Carlisle's office once again.

My coven was in trouble. My "cousins" were in trouble because of my coven. I was a worthless coven leader. This were the moments when I missed Sasha the most. She had been a true coven leader, she had natural authority and a strong will and when she said something, we all listened and took it in earnest. No one in my coven had ever respected me in the way they'd respected Sasha and I could apprehend that, since I was some sort of substitute, and I understood my sisters still looked at me that way. We couldn't really bear the thought that I would have to remain leader for the rest of our lives. The 'replacement-idea" made Sasha's death a little less definitive. As if she could show up some day again, with a "Hello Tanya, thanks for taking my place, here, have a sticker."

It had been logical that I, as the oldest (and perhaps the wisest) gained the leader position, but I had never seen it as a privilege. It had been a burden from the first day one, because I knew that when my sisters –Irina, nine out of ten times- turned to me with their problems, they actually wished they could talk to Sasha. I felt like a child playing Mommy, still, and secretly I had hoped that Eleazar, who appeared to have leader qualities, would become the leader if I invited him in our clan. Kate and Irina never realized what my intentions were and refused to recognize him as the family's head. Which meant that I still was the leader today. And it sucked, especially in situations like this. I just wasn't born for it.

I appreciated that Kate and Irina had agreed that I should be the leader. I had been proud, somehow. I was smart, indeed, rational, sensible. I read difficult books and liked to be part of complicated discussions, I mastered various forms of art, I knew loads about theology, psychology, philosophy, human rights, environmental questions and more. I had also enjoyed fooling around, joking, I wasn't a very serious person. The thing was, this was before Sasha's death. She gave my sisters and me space to practice our hobbies, and made sure we got along and didn't rip each other's heads off. (which, especially in our younger years, was a very plausible scenario) After her death, I suddenly was pushed in this leading place, which meant I had to maintain good relationships with vampires in the neighbourhood to provide my sisters' safety, that I had to help them immediately, no matter what I was doing, when they were in trouble. That I had to keep a coven of angry, grieving, upset vampires together and release tensions as much as I could.

It consumed a lot of my free time and at first I became reluctant towards leadership. But they needed a leader, because when I was gone every possible thing went wrong. I loved them and I wanted to be what Sasha had been for them, or at least try.

Nonetheless, I had no one to be my Sasha. I wanted comfort, a shoulder to lean on. No one had time for me these days, and I could really use some help. My friends were busy, they had a lot of stuff on their minds right now, too, and I didn't want to force them to speak with me. I sighted. Everything was a little too much for me and I wished I could cry with, or cuddle someone.

The office door opened and I recognized my sister's smell.

'Hey, Tanya.' Her voice was soft, different than usual. I turned around to see her.

Kate looked a bit baffled, her shirt was wrinkled and there were visible knots in her hair. Had she been fighting? 'Hi, what's up with you?'

She shrugged. 'Not much'. It was when the door closed behind her I realized why she looked so rumpled. I sensed Garrett's smell all over her, and grinned.

'What are you smiling about, stupid?' She looked pretty grumpy for someone who just got laid. I spoke my thought out loud.

'I didn't get laid.' Her response was snappy. Ah, that sucked. 'He didn't want to?' She shrugged again. I blew air through my nose. 'Okay, Miss Cranky-pants. Jesus, are you here merely to spoil my chakra?', I asked in an attempt to be witty. Kate smiled a little. 'Tanya, I'm an idiot. Fuck me.'

'Hmm, no thanks. Not really my area.'

She rolled her eyes so heavily that her pupils disappeared for a second. 'Funny.'

'Sorry, that was a weak one. Seriously, though, what happened?'

She sat down on the carpet next to me, searching for words. My sister looked so uncomfortable and awkward, sitting there. I wanted to comfort her, badly, but it was always hard with Kate. You never knew what she expected you to do.

She then opened her mouth, and a waterfall of almost incomprehensible sentences fell out. "I went for a walk to over think things, and Garrett came after me…and well… he was sort of flirting about my mystery and stuff and I got kind of itchy so I asked him why and he didn't know, he said he wanted to never…no wait, that happened later on… he said that he was drawn to me, so I said "Too bad, I don't believe in love, fuck off" but less harsh, and he followed me to apologize, I don't even know what for, and asked me why. So I explained, I explained to a stranger, what's wrong with me, that I want to be independent and don't like commitment and he starts this speech that he must look like a creep but that he really wants me, and asked about Irina and singing, well, that happened before, anyway I told him I'm not nice and he said he wants to hold me forever and I push him up against a tree and we make out but I got so anxious and I just couldn't do that anymore, I sort of sent him away and he was sad and I hate him, because he is such a fucking sensitive hippy with his goddamn American Dream spirit and I want to punch him in the face."

She ended like that, breathing heavily, and she looked like she was about to cry, something that had never really happened before. I sat down next to her on the carpet and wrapped my arms around her. She didn't even flinch or push me away like usual, so the situation must have been bothering her a lot. 'Katya,' I said softly, 'it's all right.'

I could easily see what was going on. Kate was so upset because she felt. She was in love with Garrett. I had seen it coming, to be fair. When they just met, I was surprised by her frankness towards him. They got along, and Kate only got along with few people, so it was special. I had often noticed Garrett's admiration towards my sister, and now my sister apparently caught the feelings too. And here she was, her face hidden in my neck, afraid because she sensed emotions that she had always despised.

As long as I knew her, she had looked down on relationships. She was a tough one, rarely talked about emotions, and love seemed beyond stupid to her. Until now. I betted she hated herself.

'Why does this happen? And why now?' She blurted out. 'I am a loser.'

'You're not a loser because you are in love with someone, Kat.'

'I am not in love!'

I pressed her against me. 'What is it then, that you're so upset about. You are never this upset.'

She remained silent and so did I.

After a good fifteen minutes, Kate started sniffing.

'Hey' I consoled gently, 'hey, there's no reason to cry.'

'I am not crying!' she sobbed. I just had to laugh. 'Katya, you're a mess, you know that?' She chuckled a bit, too, to my appreciation.

'I am so bad at this. I don't want to get involved with this romantical bullshit. But god, I like him so much, Tanya. I am scum.'

'Why would you think that?' I honestly had no clue. 'Love doesn't equal independence, you know. Garrett seems like an open-minded guy. If you are really not up for a serious relationship, I bet you two could figure a way…'

'I don't want to figure anything! I thought it was supposed to grow slowly, so you could cut it off when it got too personal. But it fucking smashes me like a bulldozer. I don't want. Any. Of. This.'

'It could be good.'

'How can something like this possibly be good!?' she yelled, and I quickly hushed her, knowing she wouldn't want the whole house to hear. She continued in a hissing tone. 'I feel…pulverized. How can I concentrate on things if the only thing in my head is this fucking nomadic bastard.'

I rubbed her back. 'It will work out, I promise.'

She looked up at me, clueless. 'How?'

'Just let him in and see.'

She shook her head in disbelief. 'I could not. I am not going to be an arse like Irina, for god's sake. I will not become weak! I won't leave you alone in this mess.'

I pursed my lips, and put her hair behind her ear. 'Katya, please, don't do it for me. Love the damn guy.'

She hugged me tightly. 'I don't think I ever could.'

After about an hour, my sister left, and I started pondering again. About her and Garrett, mostly. I was not worried about them two getting it on. Kate would never put a man before her family and she would still hang around with me, I was sure. And she wouldn't get so unstable, like Irina.

Irina, my little, sweet baby sister. How had this all happened. I wrapped my arms around myself and squeezed my knees to my chest. Someone knocked on the door, and that polite knock gave Carlisle away. 'You can come in of course, this is your office, you strange man.' Carlisle stepped in and smiled, friendly.

'Would you like to talk, Tanya?'

I stared down at my feet. 'Did Edward send you here? Really, I'm fine.' I avoided making eye contact, because I knew he would not buy my words if he saw my expression.

'You are not. You must be unbelievably worried, as I am.'

I looked up at him. 'You are busy enough with all these vampires at your house, and this is about your family, my problems are not even half as bad as yours. I will not consume any of your scarce free time.'

Carlisle sat down on the carpet, where my sister had been only so short ago. 'I've known you for centuries1, I like it when you consume my time. Speak to me, Tanya.'

I remembered another conversation, long ago, and I couldn't help but smile.

We had been living together for almost a year now, and were playing a game. My English was beyond poor and his Russian2 was heavily accented, which made him almost unintelligible. In order to practice, I would give him Russian tongue twisters, and he would give me English ones. Whoever screwed it up had to pay the other a silver coin. I was on the losing hand and running out of money, and listening to our awful pronunciation got me in a churting mood. I had a fit of laughter and Carlisle suddenly fell quiet. 'What?' I asked, still giggling. 'You are great.', he said, very serious. 'Well, thank you for the observation.' I grinned, already putting my coins in order for the next turn. 'Tanya, I want to tell you something so rude, you are either going to laugh at me, or consider me despicable.' Carlisle smiled a bit, but his eyes were thoughtful. I quit laughing. 'What is it?' I asked, now curious.

"You know that I was to be a priest, don't you?" I nodded. 'I followed the rules…' 'Obviously.' I interrupted with a grin, and he smiled shyly. 'I followed the rules, also those of celibacy. I have never…been with a woman.' He looked a bit nervous, and I remembered him saying that I would probably laugh at him.

'I wouldn't laugh at you for that, and it isn't rude to talk about these kinds of matters. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin. I truly believe bedding is made to seem more important than it actually is.'

'I am not ashamed.' He almost whispered, 'but I wondered…Oh I can't even say it. Never mind, let's carry on with the game. It's my turn.'

'Come on, Carlisle,' I urged, 'now you've made me curious!'

He sighted, put his hands on his lap, and bit his lip. 'Well, I want to know…What is it like?'

I burst out in laughter. 'That's all? That really is nothing bad. What is it like? Hmm' I thought deeply, searching for the right way to put it into words.

'For me,' I started slowly, 'it is an almost unreal feeling. The intimacy that can be created during the act, and how diverse it can be. I love every bit of it. There are a lot of variations. Sometimes it is gentle and slow, and your lover will treat you, spoil you even, as if you were royalty. Other times it is harder, a little rough. I prefer that, because it is so pure. That's when someone wants to touch you so badly they forget to be careful, because they want to be so close a soft hug won't do. It's grabbing, pushing, panting, loving. Sex, Carlisle, sex is love in the best, honest form.' He looked me in the eyes.

'It always seems so vulgar to me. Seemed. Until I came to live here, the way you treat it…it changed my view somehow.'

I smiled, and put my hand on his gently. 'It was probably your church that influenced your opinion on love making. I've heard they say you should only do it if you want a child. But you should do it when someone fills you with a desire strong enough to make your stomach clench. If you can barely keep your clothes on. Basic instinct. It's a natural act and there's nothing filthy about it.'

He frowned. 'I always assumed those feelings arose , because of the instinct to reproduce.' I shrugged. 'Mine are still present. I see no harm in giving in to them.'

Carlisle took a deep breath. 'I have to confess, that sometimes I feel weird around…you three. Mostly you, to be honest.' My eyebrows raised. I could guess what he meant, but I know he would be ashamed if I suggested. Thus I waited for him to continue when he was ready.

'I feel terrible about it, Tanya. I love you as a friend, and you are intelligent and wise and funny. Whenever this feeling comes over me, I despise myself, I don't want to… ' He paused and swallowed, 'I don't want to look at you as if you were not more than an object, because it should be romantic and it isn't.'

I laughed and Carlisle looked hurt. 'I am not laughingat you! I laugh because of you! Carlisle, you should not hate yourself because you sometimes want to get off with me.' I hurried to explain when I saw his face. 'This is so silly. You are a man, I am a woman. We are technically of the same age, we are both athletic and handsome, we spend all our spare time together and I get naked a lot. You just want a roll in the hay with me, but the way you bring it! As if you committed a murder on my sisters and are here to confess.' I giggled.

He chuckled, too. 'Maybe it was a little stupid, hmm?'

'Maybe?! You should never, listen to me, Not. Ever. Be so timid about sex. Not in this house, with a promiscuous trio as your hostesses . What were you expecting, that I would kick you out because you objectify me once in a while? Have you never noticed that is all Katya, Irina and me ever do? You respect me, Carlisle, I know you still do when you want to do indecent things with my body. Please stop.' I giggled and jumped up to hug him. He hugged back, visibly relieved.

'I want to ask you something else, Tanya.'

I nodded, jokingly whispered in his ear: 'Yes love?' in a seductive tone. He shivered and it made me smile. 'Would you…could you perhaps…will you teach, no, will you show me?'

My mouth fell open. I was surprised, but not in a bad way. 'Most people don't ask,' I said softly, 'it just starts…' I leaned back and took his face in my hands, '… like this.' I pressed my lips against his and he leaned in, not experienced but eager, nevertheless. He put his hands on my waist, gently, soft, and I broke the kiss.

'I normally do not do this, but I am a bit worried about you,' I confessed, 'Are you sure about it?' He nodded, certain. I traced my hand over his chest. 'I will be kind, but if I cross your lines in any case, tell me.' He nodded again. 'And this one is very important, because people never do this, whereas they should. If you change your mind when we've started, then it is still all right to say stop. Tell when I go too far, tell me when I should stop. I am a lover, not a rapist. Yes?' Carlisle looked a bit swept of his feet. 'You are so great.' He repeated. I grabbed his hands and took him to my bedroom.

'Tanya?'

I blinked, grinning. 'Pardon me, I got sunk in thoughts. Remember when we played that pronunciation game?'

Carlisle widened his eyes, then laughed. 'Yes, you always lost.'

'I did not!' I proclaimed in a feigned Russian accent, pretending to be shocked by the suggestion. 'Carlisle, thanks for your company, you really cheered me up!'

'I haven't said a word?' He frowned, confused. I gave him a peck on the cheek and it still made him a little shy. 'No, but it brought back good memories.'

'…okay. My pleasure, I suppose.'

I stood up. 'I will now quit this barricade of your office, I bet you need it.'

'Oh no, it's no problem if you're…'

Polite as always, sometimes it made me a little nervous. 'No, sitting here doesn't help anyone. I will see if Irina picks up her phone today. Maybe I will go for a walk. Bye Carlisle, and thank you, again.' I walked to the door opening and turned around, as if I remembered something.

'Hey, do you still remember that time, when I deflowered you?' I asked teasingly, and I swear he would have blushed if he could.

'Er…'

I was already down the stairs. 'You don't have to answer that!' I responded, and I jumped out of the front door to take a nice, long run in the woods.

1 The Guide says the Denalis and the Cullens met in the 1930's, but before it was published SM said Carlisle helped Tanya with becoming a vegetarian long before he met Edward. BD also says that Irina ignores "centuries of friendship", so I'll stick to that version, I like it better.

2 Again, SM said the Denali sisters were Slovakian, but Slovakia wasn't really an inhabited area until the Hungarian settled there in the 900's, and it was seen as a part of the kingdom of Hungary in the 1000's (when the sisters were born), which means the sisters would be Hungarian. However, in Midnight Sun, Tanya speaks with a Russian accent and Tanya and Irina are Russian names. I am going to go with a Russian nationality.