Disclaimer: I do not own House of Anubis, the characters in it, and the locations used.
A/N: Hey, look, you survived the ten day wait! Hopefully you'll think it was worth it, even if today's chapter is shorter than usual. Meanwhile, your response to the last chapter blew my mind. I got 31 reviews. Each one made me smile, and I can't thank you enough for brightening my week!
Just a reminder: If you review anonymously, I cannot reply to it. Thank you to my anon reviewers out there!
Also: Someone asked me if the new characters like Eddie, KT, Willow, etc will show up. As of right now, no. But who knows, we'll have to see!
Okay, see ya at the end!
Nina POV
Why do I even care about Fabian?
This was the question that haunted me as I walked across the grasses blindly. Other boarding houses popped up in the distance, but I didn't approach any, sticking to a path that made no sense. My teeth were chattering, but I couldn't feel the cold, too caught up in my confusion.
He was a puzzle. An enigma wrapped in an enigma. I did things wrong but he did nothing to punish me. He looked hurt when I pushed away from him, physically or mentally. He acted like he cared. But this was impossible.
No one cared about me.
I was a mentally disturbed, mute, skittish, ugly teenage girl on the outside. On the inside, I was a used piece of junk that deserved no love, no care, no thought. I'd been beaten, used, and starved so many times I barely recognized the pain anymore. I was too scarred to be worth loving. Whether you judged me for my inside or my outside, both got a bad wrap. Put them together and I was something someone might put in an insane asylum.
No one cared about me. No one should care about me. No one would ever care about me.
So why did he act like he did?
As hard as I tried, I couldn't find the answer. The only guess I came up with was that he was waiting it out, gaining my trust before he hurt me. A small voice in the back of my mind whispered that Fabian wouldn't do that, but I ignored it.
I vaguely realized that I'd made my way into the forested area nearby, and somehow I'd ended up huddled on the ground, trying to conserve body heat. I wasn't sure if I could find my way back to Anubis House if I tried, but I didn't care.
I'd been so stupid. Somehow, I'd allowed a small part of myself to start recognizing him as a friend. Someone I could trust. But trust brought pain in the end, no matter how hard anyone tried to stop it. To trust someone was to open yourself up for destruction, and to be trusted was to be given the ability to destroy.
I had already been damaged enough. Heavens knew I didn't need any more pain.
I definitely didn't need Fabian to be the cause of that pain.
I needed everything to go back to the way it had been. I needed to be distant, I needed to be uncaring of whether Fabian was staring at me or if Jerome made jokes about us. I needed to be just as afraid of the idea of him in my room as I had been the first time it happened. Fabian needed to become another member of Anubis House, not the guy who smiled at me and talked to me as if I was his friend.
And I needed to make this happen now.
In a strange way, I was happy that Patricia and Joy had confronted me about Fabian. I was positive I would've done this soon anyway, but the longer I'd gone on trusting him, the more it would've hurt when I finally pulled away. This had kickstarted it early, and I could only thank the two girls for helping me with that.
The bigger, stronger part of me slowly squished the existence out of the part that wanted to befriend Fabian. I felt it take its last breath, and then nothing. I suddenly felt empty - emptier than normal, at least. But emptiness was something I could deal with. Something I was used to.
"Nina?" Amber's voice sent me jumping out of my skin in surprise. I'd been so caught up in my thoughts that I hadn't heard her approach. "Finally, I've been looking for you for ages… Nina, your lips are turning blue. Don't you have a coat?"
No, I didn't, actually.
"Come on, up you go, before you freeze to death. Don't want that happening, yeah?" She paused, as if waiting for me to laugh. I didn't even blink. "Okay, seriously, up you go. Do you need help?"
I did, but I wasn't going to ask for it. Help involved touching. I grabbed the bark of the tree and used it as leverage to pull myself up. My knees wobbled, but didn't collapse out from under me. I took this as a victory.
Amber started taking off her fluffy coat, eying my shuddering form, and I immediately motion for her to stop. We stared at each other, fighting with our eyes. I won, apparently, because she slid it back on. Then we were walking, and everything was too quiet.
It took a while to reach Anubis House. I hadn't realized how far I'd wondered. When the house came in sight, a pit formed in my stomach. It must have shown on my face, because Amber reassured me a moment later.
"Fabian is out in the garden drawing Joy, last time I checked." Her voice was sour. "He almost went looking for you, but Joy wanted to model right after breakfast and I offered to go after you instead." I couldn't be more relieved of the turn of events.
I couldn't stand seeing Fabian right now. I was still building the wall between myself and that suffocated part of me that wanted to know Fabian better. The structure would come tumbling down if I saw him too soon. I needed time to set my mind straight.
"Head up to our room, I'll make some hot chocolate for the both of us." I started to protest but she pointed at me, and when she spoke again, her voice was firm. "You cannot convince me out of it. I'll do it anyway. Upstairs, now. Get tucked under those covers and get warm like there's no tomorrow."
I sighed, knowing this was a battle I wouldn't win, and trudged up the stairs.
Amber came up a few minutes later holding steaming mugs. I sipped mine every few seconds, and stared at the drink in wonder. It was so sweet and chocolaty and I was in awe of whoever came up with the idea of this. Amber laughed at my expression.
"You look like you've never had hot chocolate before," she teased. Then she realized I actually hadn't.
She got really quiet after that.
She left after a while, taking both of our empty mugs with her. I kept myself wrapped under the comforter until I finally stopped shivering.
When I did, I sat up and brought out the artwork I'd been working on for Fabian - a bird. A white bird taking flight, shooting into a night sky, swirls of color around it.
It went into the trashcan a moment later.
I then brought out the sketch Fabian had done of me, fully intending to throw that away as well, but the second I saw it I knew I couldn't. So instead, I folded it up and put it in the drawer of my nightstand, promising to myself to never unfold it again.
I knew what I had to do.
I did not care for Fabian. I did not trust Fabian. Fabian's name would bring no reaction from me any more than Mick's would. Fabian was a housemate, someone I saw everyday. Someone who did not send my heart into a gallop every time I saw him. Someone who cared for others, especially Joy, and did not care for me. Because I was a person no one could care for, especially him.
I do not care for Fabian Rutter. I do not trust Fabian Rutter…
I repeated it over and over and over in my mind until it kept replaying, even when I stopped focusing on it. I inhaled. I exhaled. I walked downstairs for lunch.
When Fabian and Joy came walking through the door laughing their heads off, I felt no twinge of pain. When Fabian asked if I could pass the butter, I didn't look at him. I flinched when his hand brushed mine and I ignored his hurt expression. When Fabian stopped me on my way from the room after the meal and asked me if I was okay, I blinked at him and nodded, expressionless.
I felt no rush of confusion or pain or jealousy or attraction or anything anything anything at all.
I felt nothing.
A/N: *peeks out from behind shield nervously* Don't shoot me! Anyone hyperventilating should grab paper bags and try to calm down. Prepare yourselves, it's only going to go downhill from here. Yes, I did say downhill. ;D
The next chapter update will be on February 25th. It also happens to be my favorite chapter so far. Prepare for angst.
Reviews are love, dear readers. It helps that you get a preview of the next chapter for reviewing. And the person who reviews first gets two. Tempting enough?
See ya on the Monday!