Chapter 10 : Stay Alive

Emil slowly opened his eyes, taking in his surroundings. Even with his blurry vision he groaned when he knew where he was. The whiteness of the room and the beeping sounds from the IV along with the medical scent on his nostril made him want to puke. Emil shifted his body slightly, flinched when a sharp pain shoot through his entire left arm and hand. He blinked a few times as violet orbs looked down on the bandaged arm of his. There's an attached tube on the back his hand to the infusion wire, medical and food supplies when he slept. Emil frowned, flashes of memories ran in his mind and he grew despaired. He trembled at his own recalling, the feeling of nausea went to the pitch of his stomach. He wanted to hurl so badly now. Emil brought his good hand to his mouth, groaning as he tried to ignore the feeling. He was somehow glad that someone opened the door of his chamber and walked in. The so called features gave a sucked breath, running towards his bedside with a happy expression.

"Emil!" Emil's eyes widened when he recognized the voice. He stared at his best friend, the Asian brunet set the small bag in his hand which Emil assumed it's a takeaway food on the nightstand. Xiao stared down at him with a mixed expression between happy, worried, and sad. Xiao rarely show expression, but Emil could tell that the Asian had been worried sick of him.

"Bucket. I want to vomit." He said with a muffled voice, Xiao shot him a look before panicking on looking right and left. He spotted a large silver bowl for the emergency constipated not far from them, placed on top of the cabinet. He rushed to take the still clean bowl and went back to Emil in a hurry. Xiao helped Emil turned to his right side and put the bowl on the edge of the bed, holding it steadily as his other hand caressed Emil's back. Emil quickly adjusted his weight on his right arm, propped his body up and spilled the contain of his stomach into the bowl. He let Xiao massage the back of his neck which triggered his hurling, earning a groan as Emil emptied his stomach. He coughs a few times, eyes watered when he felt his heartburn stung.

Xiao gave him a few tissues to clean on his mouth, pulled the bowl away from him after he knew Emil had done.

"Feeling better?" He asked, putting the bowl aside on the table.

"Water." Emil replied shortly and Xiao walked away from him to take the glass on the other side of the bed. The Icelandic gargled as soon as he received what he asked for and Xiao let him spilled the water from his mouth into the previous bowl after he motioned it to him. Emil gave a huffed and lay back down on the bed fully, taking another tissue to clean up his mouth. Xiao took the dirtied tissues from him and walked towards the small bathroom across the bed. He threw the tissues into the trash can and flushed the substance from the bowl into the toilet. After he splashed the bowl with clean water, Xiao wiped it clean and brought it back with him outside the bathroom. He put the bowl on the nightstand which on the right side of the bed just in case Emil felt the need to hurl again. He walked over, bypassing the bed so that he could pull a chair close to the left side of the bed. The space on the right was too small for him to sit there, since it was not far from where the wall and windows were. Xiao shifted his gaze on Emil who stayed silent, giving an empty look on the white ceiling.

"I'm alive… aren't I?" Emil mumbled boringly, Xiao fisted his hands that were on his laps.

"Emil… stay alive. For me." Emil's eyes looked at the brunet; he couldn't believe that Xiao had the gut to command him like that. Their eyes met for a moment, but Emil did not give a reply to him. He simply just ignored the words and looked back to the ceiling before he closed his eyes. Xiao didn't press on the matter; his dearest friend was just waking up. He couldn't risk him getting more tired and feasted him with problems again, so he did not say anything when Emil closed his eyes, wanting to rest. He was glad that the Icelandic didn't have any attempted to harm himself for now, or maybe he was just too tired to move.

Xiao eyes looked back at the drawn curtain. It was passed midnight, the doctors had let him stay for the night, just to watch his friend and stay by his side. He was glad they let him do what he wanted. Xiao leaned against the chair with a soft sigh. He won't sleep unless he was really tired. He then leaned forward, taking Emil's hand into his gently and laid his upper body down against the side of the bed, closing his eyes. He was unaware that those violet eyes stared down at him when he started to drift off to sleep.

It was almost lunch time when Emil awakened by the sound of people talking. He could see Xiao was still sitting at the same place he had on the night. He was talking with his Chinese brother, seemed like they were arguing over something that they didn't notice he was awake.

"You have to eat something, aru! Listen , it's always the person who's taking care of a sick person become ill as well, because they are too caught up on taking care others. Don't be so reckless! Come on, let's get down to the lobby, and eat something! If you want, you can bring it here… That is if they let you bring it up. I'm not sure if they will though, that food is not for a sick person." Yao kept on rambling, Emil could see that Xiao was deliberately ignoring him. Xiao's surprised expression when those golden orbs found him awake made Emil rolled his eyes.

"Emil…" Yao stopped talking and whipped his head to the Icelandic guy.

"You awake, aru! How are you feeling?" he quickly walked closer to Emil, leaning down a bit to study his expression. Emil stared at both of them for a moment, letting out a soft sigh. What Emil said surprised both of them.

"I'm sorry… for causing trouble. You guys can… I… I'll do something for the hospital payment." Emil said, stuttering. Yao exchanged glances with his brother, before both of them gave a small understanding smile.

"Don't think about it. All you need to do is rest as much as you can. I will let Doctor Ludwig check on you. Your brother will be coming here in the evening, right after his shift" Yao patted Emil's shoulder lightly. Emil chose to ignore the information about Lukas. He looked at Xiao who only stayed silent.

"Eat." He commanded him, making Xiao blinked at him at the unexpected command. Yao threw Xiao a winning smile before he slapped Xiao on the back, earning a glare from him. Yao then walked away from the two.

"I will be in the cafeteria lobby after I call Doctor Ludwig to examine Emil." Yao waved casually while he exited the room. Xiao looked back to Emil who stared at him with a frown.

"Why are you still here? Go eat." He scolded the Asian when he did not attempt to move.

"I'm alright. How are you feeling?" Emil rolled his eyes when he was being questioned.

"I'm obviously not well, Xiao. I'll kill myself right now if you don't go to eat. You want me alive aren't you?" He grimaced at his best friend's widened eyes. Xiao was gaping at him like a fish; Emil couldn't help but snort at his funny look.

"Go eat and I will stay alive. Unless you want to follow my death by starving yourself, that is." Emil felt a pang of guilt when his sarcasms didn't work that well. Xiao was smiling at him in return, which made him scowl at him even more.

"I will be back." He rose to his feet, squeezing Emil's hand a little before letting go and walked out the chamber. Emil's eyes were never leaving him, even after the door closed, he continued to stare at it for long minutes. Emil bit his lower lip, pressing his palm on his forehead before cursing silently.

"I will stay alive… for only one person who cares… Damn, that sounds cheesy." He muttered to himself. He was about to roll to his side when the door opened and Ludwig came in with his assistance tailing him. Ludwig had examined him, asking if him to spill everything he was feeling right now. Emil only replied shortly on each question at his doctor while Feliciano scribbling and nodding at each replies he got. Ludwig told him and he'll be able to be discharged after a few days when Emil was stabilized enough to go. Feliciano changed Emil's bandages and the needle for his infusion, letting him know that he still needed them to let his body heal fast. Considering that Emil had taken a large amount of pills before he cuts himself, Feliciano told him that sometimes he'd hurl which was a good sign to let the drugs out. Emil then knew the reason why he vomited when he woke up and let Feliciano knew about it.

By the time the examination done, Xiao was already gone back to his room with a small bag in the hands. Emil then found out it was the same bag Xiao brought with him during last night. It was fortune cookies that have many wishes to get well soon. Emil wasn't sure if he was allowed to eat them, so Xiao only eat the cookies on his own. Emil watched with a sour expression when Xiao split another cookie in his hand and pulled the small message from the inside. He waited for Xiao to read it to him, hoping that this time it won't be another message like 'Get well soon' or 'Be Strong' or any other short and lame wishes.

"I need you to stay alive." Emil sucked in his breath when he heard him, Xiao slowly looked up to him, handing Emil the small paper. Reading the message, Emil gave a snort, clenching it tightly when he felt a lump on his throat. He swallowed nervously, eyes scanning the words again as they started welling up with tears. He ran the palm of his hand to his forehead, biting his lower lip.

"You liar…" Xiao's lips curved up to smile when Emil let out soft chuckling sounds. The small paper handed back to him before he looked over the letters again.

Make your own wishes

Xiao held Emil's hand when he heard a soft sniffling sound. When the Icelandic guy squeezed his hand in return, Xiao felt his chest clenched with so many emotions.

"Please promise me. Never harm yourself again." Emil gave a choked sob as he was unable to hold them in anymore. A small voice in his heart washed him with an overwhelming feeling. Emil realized it was his inner heart that spoke to him.

There's always someone who cares for you, even it's just one person. Isn't that enough?

Emil averted his gaze from Lukas when his deep-blue eyes stared at him with a regret look. Yao was right, he came during the evening.

"Don't give me that look." Emil muttered. Xiao said that he will be outside the room, waiting until Lukas finished with him. Mikkel was also stayed outside with Xiao, much to the Asian's chagrin.

"I'm sorry." Emil groaned, slamming his head on the pillow and turned his head away. He was stunned with what Lukas said after that.

"I'm sorry, I can't return your feelings, Emil." Emil was now gaping at him, propping himself up. Lukas only stared at his disbelieving look, he could see that his brother did not expect it to happen. Not today, when he was still in the hospital. Not during the time he was still recovering. But Lukas had chosen this time. By the look of Emil's, he knew he didn't regret of choosing the place and time to finally admit his feelings to his own brother.

"I… Why now? Wait, forget that. I…" Emil paused for a moment, he started to chew on his lower lip. His habit was bad, but he couldn't help it when he was nervous.

"I know." He ended his sentence. Lukas had been expecting Emil to throw tantrum, trying desperately to harm himself, or something worse. He was taken back when Emil did not do anything other than replying with only two words.

"I'm sorry." Lukas repeated, frowning when Emil sat up properly, squinting his violet eyes at the same word.

"It's fine." Emil looked down to his lap. "Thank you." He breathed, giving Lukas a small smile. Lukas astounded gazes made him feel uneasy.

"Emil… Are you alright?" Emil snorted. He had enough hearing that question from Xiao every time he woke up.

"I'm alright. Never been better, I guess… Just… Slightly pain on my left arm." Emil muttered, Lukas sat down on the chair, patting Emil's hand softly. He made sure to avoid the tube that was attached to Emil's vein in the back of his upper left hand.

"Don't do that again. Please, Emil. I… I don't want to lose my only brother." Lukas spilled his frustration.

"I'm sorry…" Emil gave him a reassuring smile, he never knew that his brother could look so… Emil quickly shoved that thought away. It had to end here. It will take time but he knew he could move on. His brother finally let him know his feelings. He could move on…

"I need you to stay alive." Lukas looked up from Emil's hand when the Icelandic flinched.

"Oh God. Not again. I've been hearing that sentence from Xiao, he had been chanting that to me numerous time already. Not you too." Lukas gave a small smile.

"He cares for you, a lot more than I am. You should thank him. He… saved your life. And mine too…" Lukas remembered the time when Xiao told him to know how he feels towards Emil. He was glad that he followed what Xiao told him to. Emil stayed still, letting the words seeped in.

"I know…" Those violet orbs looked down. He already knew about that, but he wasn't sure if he could return Xiao's feelings. There are still so many things to catch up.

"Have you eaten?" Lukas asked, eyeing the scattered plastics and crumbles of cookies on the nightstand. Emil followed his gaze and gave a smile.

"Lunch, not yet. I think it will come soon. Those crumbles were just from fortune cookies that Xiao bought. You can have some if you want. I think there's still some left in the bag." Emil nodded at his brother to let him have some. Lukas picked on cookies and un-wrapped the transparent plastic. He split it in a half and took the small message from it and gave a thin smile.

"I want you to have a happy ending." Lukas read it out loud; making Emil arched his brow at him weirdly.

"What?" Lukas gave the paper to him when Emil raised his good hand for it. He rolled his eyes when he found out it was another 'Make your own wishes' paper.

"Both of you are being stupid." He tossed the paper back to Lukas, earning a small chuckle from the older guy.

"Both?" Lukas already knew the answer even Emil did not reply him. He brought the cookies to his mouth, eyes not leaving him.

"Xiao."

"What did he say?"

"I need you to stay alive." The flat tone made Lukas stopped chewing; he gave a weird halted smile to his brother who made a face at the memory.

"That's right. Not only him who want you to stay alive." Emil looked down when he heard him. The door opened and the nurse brought a tray of food for Emil to eat. Xiao and Mikkel who wondered if Lukas had finished talking followed her inside. Looking at the siblings gave a small smile at both of them, made Xiao and Mikkel let out a breath of relieve. Both of them quickly walked towards their dearest person, laughing and chatting while Emil ate on the bed.

It was during sunset that Lukas and Mikkel had gone away back home. Xiao was reading his comic book while Emil rests himself on the bed. He had taken a painkiller and was feeling a bit drowsy. They were having a comfortable silent until Emil broke it with a soft sigh. Xiao looked up, knowing that his best friend needed to spill something out.

"Lukas…" Emil paused, studying Xiao's expression when he put his comic down. Those golden eyes flaring with worried for a second.

"Lukas said he couldn't return my feelings." Emil continued, shifting his gaze to the ceiling. Xiao did not change his stoic expression, but Emil could feel him stiffened.

"Emil…" Violet orbs were back to the brunet.

"I... you can cry." Xiao clenched his fists. No. Now is not the time to repeat what he had wanted to say. I love you was better left un-said for now. Emil was staring at him with a blank expression for a moment, face contorted as he started to recoil. He quickly covered his face with his right hand, biting his lower lip that it bleeds. Xiao abruptly pulled his hand away and pressed his fingers on Emil's lip, earning a jolt of surprised and sucked breath from him. He eyed Xiao in shock, eyes gleaming with tears, gazing up to the brunet.

"No self-harm. You promised me." Xiao whispered, breath mingled on Emil's cheek while his body leaning against the bed. Emil gave a nervous laugh before he looked right into Xiao's eyes.

"I never said anything about the promise." Emil said, he was panting in between his sob, trying to compose himself from bawling like a baby. Xiao glared down at him seriously, making him stop breathing for a moment.

"What the hell, Xiao! I was just biting my lip. I'm not trying to bite my tongue, choke myself or whatever." He stuttered, trying to pull his hand away from Xiao's grip. Xiao gritted his teeth, knowing that's exactly the self-harm Emil was thinking about in a flash.

"Yes, you bite until you bleed. And don't you dare bite your tongue. Stop it. Don't run away from reality. The pain will not solve anything." Emil stopped struggling. He looked away from those eyes. He could see the expression softened when Xiao said the last sentence.

"I…" Emil gulped, daring himself to look back to Xiao's. "I promise." His voice was so soft that Xiao barely heard it, but it was enough to make him leaned down and hug Emil caringly. Emil gasped when Xiao's scent flow to his nose; he felt his cheek warm up at the physical contact.

"Xiao, you are crushing my left arm!" Emil protested, feeling relieved when Xiao pulled away as soon as he heard him.

"Sorry…" he gasped, blinking back. He didn't believe he could lose himself and just hug Emil without a second thought. Both of them awkwardly stared at each other until Xiao sat back on the chair. He shifted his gaze toward the empty bag of cookies. Emil stayed still when he watched his best friend cracked another cookies. He couldn't believe that his heart beating faster as he waited for what word he may read.

"Stay alive for me." Emil gave a growl at that.

"Oh God. I better get some rest." He rolled to his side, giving his back to Xiao who sniggered.

"Hey, that's what's written on the paper." Xiao said, tossing the paper to Emil's pillow right before his face. Emil picked the paper and read it. This time it was really what's written on it. He gave a snort and threw the paper behind him, not caring where it will land. This hospital's fortune cookies had nothing but cheesy lines ever.

"Shut up. I want some rest." Xiao rolled his eyes, not that Emil could see him. After ten minutes of silence, Xiao hovered on Emil's sleeping face. He stared at him for a moment, the medicine must have some sleeping effect, but only in the right amount. Making sure that Emil had really fallen asleep, Xiao gave a satisfied look before he leaned down to press a kiss on Emil's left ear-shell.

"Stay alive, so I can confess to you." He whispered as quiet as possible. Xiao straightened up, and turned back to his seat. He picked a comic book and started reading where he left off. Unknown by him, Emil's eyes widened as he felt his cheeks burning up. The sensation of Xiao's breath against his ear made his lip trembles, he could tell that his ear had turned red, which hopefully Xiao did not notice. Emil clenched his eyes shut, letting himself having an internal scream.

'Have you no shame, Xiao?!'

He could move on. He somehow knew he could move on… But… It was getting harder and harder to look at his best friend the same way again. But he will stay alive just so he could see where it will lead to.