Chapter 10 - Internal Struggle
Books and clothes scattered in every direction as the lid on Kefka's suitcase flew open, spilling its contents all over the bed. This was the third time he'd tried cramming everything he needed for his trip in his suitcase, and needless to say he was having some difficulty making everything fit. It didn't help that he had never left the country before, and had no idea what he should take with him. So he tried packing a little of everything, which resulted in a larger than life mess that he couldn't possibly fit into his suitcase.
Kefka sighed and sat down on the foot of the bed. His hands were still bandaged and sore, and he'd spent most of his time trying to fold and stuff his belongings in his suitcase using only his left hand, since his right hand was practically useless. He looked at the mess on the bed, then glanced at the empty trunk sitting in the corner. How on earth was he going to pack everything while his hands were still covered in a thick layer of bandages? Leo would probably laugh if he saw him struggling to shove a mound of clothes into his suitcase with only one hand.
"Terra!" he called out. "Come here. I need your help with something."
He hadn't told her that he was leaving, and was trying to postpone the moment for as long as possible. He didn't like the thought of being separated from her for an extended period of time. He knew that she would be upset when she found out he was leaving, and without her Kefka wouln't have anyone to talk to when the stress of dealing with these imbeciles on a daily basis started getting to him. And to make matters worse, he was sure they were going to leave her with Leo while he was away. It was enough to make him want to scream and kick his suitcase right off the bed.
Terra entered the room a few seconds later, hesitating slightly as she stood in the doorway. She looked at the mess on his bed, giving him a curious expression as she walked into the room. "Are you going somewhere?"
"Yes, dear, I am. The Emperor has requested that I join him for an important business trip." He shifted slightly, then moved off to the side so he wasn't sitting on the clothes that were spread out on the bed. "I'm leaving in two days, and I won't be back for quite some time."
Terra hugged her plush moogle to her chest. "How long will you be gone?"
"About a month, give or take a couple days. It'll be my first time away from Vector, and the longest I've ever been away from home."
When the little girl looked as though she were about to cry, Kefka told her that they would be able to keep in contact with letters, and that she could write to him as often as she liked. He promised he'd write to her, and tell her about everything he saw during his trip to Figaro.
"Think of it as a vacation," he said. "I'll get to see new places and meet new people. And not many people are fortunate enough to get paid for going on vacation."
"But why can't I come with you?"
"Believe me, Terra, if I could bring you with me I would. But I can't. And I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with myself while I'm away." His gaze drifted towards the scorch marks on the floor, left behind during one of his nightmares when he thought he was being attacked in his sleep. He fought back against the monsters in his dreams, and if weren't for Terra rushing in and calming him down, he might have succeeded in setting the room on fire. "You know how I get sometimes," he murmured, keeping his head down as he avoided her gaze. "I don't want them seeing me like that."
"Why not? Maybe they can help."
"No, Terra." Kefka shook his head. "I can't... I can't let them see me like that."
He was so tired. Everything was getting on his nerves - the voices, the stress, the nightmares and lack of sleep. He was excited about going to Figaro, but part of him just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. His mood was constantly shifting, from fits of spontaneous laughter to a type of quiet, restless anxiety. He couldn't bring himself to tell her the truth, that he felt he was beyond their ability to help, and that no matter what anyone said or did, he was slowly losing what little sanity he had left after months of experimentation had taken their toll on him.
He remembered most of what happened when he attacked Leo, but he was starting to lose track of time. Memories that had been clear were starting to fade, while others were blending with images from his nightmares, until everything around him slowly became like that of a waking dream.
"Come here, Terra," he said, motioning for her to come forward. On the outside he was smiling, but on the inside he was fighting back tears. He didn't know how much time he had left before he lost himself and all the memories they had made.
Terra approached the bed and Kefka put his arms around her, holding her like he'd done when she was little. "I'm not leaving right away, Terra," he said softly. "Let's make the most of what time we have left while we still can."
Meanwhile, in another part of the palace, Dr. Cid was trying to talk the Emperor out of letting Kefka go with him to Figaro. He followed Gestahl around, trying everything he could to convince him that Kefka needed to stay in Vector.
"Your Highness, please, just take a look at his medical records. I've been documenting his symptoms for the past year. He's unstable, and he needs to be kept in isolation so we can monitor him for a couple days." He stopped suddenly when the Emperor turned around and almost ran right into him. He swallowed hard, cowering under his fierce gaze as Gestahl glared at him. There was a brief pause before Gestahl summoned his guards with a snap of his fingers, and ordered them to remove the doctor from his sight at once.
"I've already seen enough," he said in a voice of deadly calm, watching as Cid was hauled off by the guards. "It's my turn to test his abilities. And as far as I'm concerned there is nothing wrong with him."
Later that night as Terra slept soundly in her bed, Kefka stood in front of the mirror in his bathroom, the door locked as he experimented with an assortment of makeup he'd set out on the counter. 'I'm fine,' he thought, his hand trembling as he applied another layer of makeup to his left cheek. 'I'm fine. Everything is going to be alright. I'm fine. If they think I'm still smiling they won't know. They'll never know. No one has to know.'
Terra's doll was sitting on the counter beside the jars of makeup. It was the same doll he had given her that she rejected in favor of her plush moogle. He picked it up, holding it as he looked at his reflection in the mirror. "Everything is going to be fine. I'm fine," he muttered, stroking the doll's hair. His lips twitched, and he tightened his grip on the doll before throwing his head back and laughing.
.oOo.
One set of footsteps could be heard moving along the cobblestone street, followed by several muttered curses and grunting. The soldiers looked up and their mouths dropped open in shock. There was Kefka, trying his best to drag a heavy suitcase up the platform onto the dock. He was wearing red eyeshadow, matching red earrings, and had painted his fingernails bright red. All this combined with his usual red attire made him look like a blazing ball of scarlet flames. And as if that weren't enough, he had tucked a variety of colorful feathers in his hair.
"Dammit!" he spat, pausing to adjust the feathers in his ponytail. "You there!" Kefka shouted at the soldiers. "Are you going to stand there looking stupid, or are you going to help me?"
The Emperor glanced over his shoulder, looking rather bored as he motioned for the soldiers to assist the young knight with his belongings. The soldiers quickly jumped up and ran down the dock. One of them picked up the suitcase, only to have the latch break seconds after he started carrying it up the platform. Coloring books, colored pencils, clothes, makeup, and Terra's doll spilled out onto ground. There was a brief pause, just long enough for Kefka to draw breath, before he let fly with a high-pitched, ear splitting scream and started shouting obscenities at the unfortunate soldier.
"You damn, dumb, son of a submariner! Can't you do anything right?! Clean this mess up right now, or so help me, I'll flay your hide to doll rags!"
Gestahl smirked, watching as Kefka created a scene right there on the dock. Dr. Cid came forward, his hand on Kefka's shoulder as he tried talking to him and calming him down. A scuffle ensued, in which Kefka succeeded in pushing Cid off the dock and into the water. This was going to be a very long trip, and Gestahl was loving every minute of it.
They boarded the ship in Albrook and began their journey to South Figaro. From there they would travel to the kingdom of Figaro, reaching the castle in approximately two weeks.
It didn't take long for Kefka to realize that he disliked being at sea. His sensitive stomach couldn't handle the motion of the waves lapping at the side of the ship, and he spent the first day of their journey hanging over the side of the boat, his ridiculous feathers bobbing on the breeze as he vomited into the water.
Kefka groaned, clinging to the railing as the ship swayed and rocked. His vision blurred, and he thought he saw movement on the surface of the water. A pale fin tipped in blue and red splashed in the water, sending up a spray of droplets as the hulking body of a large sea creature emerged from the waves. It was Leviathan, one of the Espers that haunted his dreams, its massive jaws opening as it arched its serpentine body and roared.
Water spilled over its sides, glistening in the morning sun like a thousand luminescent pearls. Kefka's eyes widened, and he screamed as the Esper lunged at him. He tried to run, tripping over the hem of his cloak and falling into the arms of one of the soldiers that was standing behind him.
"Are you alright, sir?" asked the soldier, looking at him with concern.
Kefka blinked and looked out over the water. The ocean was calm, without a trace of the vicious Esper that had leapt out of the water and tried to devour him. "I'm fine," he mumbled, his eyes darting left and right, searching for any sign of the elusive sea creature. "What sort of monsters inhabit the waters in these parts?"
"I think there are anguiform out here. But they're rare. It's mostly just fish and the occasional aspiran."
"Right. Anguiform. That must have been it then." Kefka looked down and saw ripples slowly spreading across the surface of the water. He could feel the vibration in the current as the ripples moved outwards, and heard a voice speaking to him from within the deep.
"Kefka..."
A flash of scales, sunlight reflecting off the droplets of water, and the voice spoke to him again.
"Kefka... Where are you? Are you hiding from me?"
The voice spoke with a hollow echo, ringing in his ears as it grew louder, forming ripples on the water that were moving towards him, searching, hunting. They would find him soon enough, and when they did...
"No escape... You cannot run from me..."
He had to get out of here before he had a breakdown in front of everyone on the ship. Kefka excused himself, weaving between the soldiers as he headed for his cabin below deck. He started running as soon he was below deck, trying to escape the voices in his head. But there was no escape. They were all around him, laughing, screeching, howling, a thousand voices screaming, pushing him to the limits of his endurance until he was sure he was going to break under the weight of their combined voices yelling at him all at once.
He flung the door open and fell to his knees beside the bed. His fingers found the broken clasp on his suitcase, fumbling for a moment as he struggled with the latch. He practically tore open the leather case, his nails scraping against the surface and tearing the material. Kefka dug through his suitcase, tossing books and clothes onto the floor until he found what he was looking for. He found Terra's doll buried at the bottom of the suitcase, and sank to the floor, hugging it against his chest as he rocked back and forth.
If he had thought spending time away from Vector would help with his deteriorating mental state he was wrong. He'd only been gone half a day, and already he was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. He kept seeing those ripples on the water, moving closer, hunting him in the darkness of his mind.
"My doll. Terra, my precious doll," he murmured. "Lovely, lovely doll. Sweet thing." He started giggling. Dear god, it was happening again. Why couldn't he control these urges? He gripped the doll, crushing it against his chest, as wild, cackling laughter poured from his lips. Once it started it wouldn't stop. He didn't know how long he sat there, laughing like a maniac, until the darkness found him, and he woke up on the floor several hours later, still clinging to Terra's doll.
.oOo.
Kefka spent the next few days in his room, the curtains drawn as he lay in bed with a damp washcloth draped across his forehead. He developed a severe migraine that left him bedridden for three days. During this time he was frequently ill, and was unable to keep anything down but small sips of water. His sleep was interrupted by frequent nightmares, and there were times when he would wake up and find an Esper perched upon the foot of his bed. Sometimes the creature spoke. Other times it would sit there staring at him, preventing him from falling back asleep, until it vanished just as suddenly as it appeared.
His illness revealed itself one morning when Cid came downstairs to administer his next infusion. Within minutes of receiving the injection Kefka was bent over double on the side of the bed, the doctor holding his hair back as he retched and gagged, expelling a rancid mass of greenish bile and water into the bucket beside the bed. When Cid asked him what was wrong Kefka blamed his symptoms on sea sickness. He didn't tell him about the migraine, or his nightmares, or the fact that he was now hallucinating and seeing Espers everywhere he looked.
The doctor advised him to stay in bed and rest, and said that he would give him some medicine to help settle his stomach. Kefka thanked him and laid back down in bed, closing his eyes and letting the doctor examine him. Dr. Cid always stayed with him for at least thirty minutes after giving him an infusion, checking his vital signs and watching for any sort of adverse reaction. He pressed his fingers against the inside of Kefka's wrist, checking his pulse and writing the results on a notepad, then held his hand against the mage's forehead.
"You're awfully hot, Kefka. I think you have a fever."
Kefka chuckled, his eyes still closed as a faint smile formed on his lips. "Why am I not surprised? It feels like everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong since I set foot on this miserable excuse for a ship." He started wondering if maybe the boat was cursed, or if the Espers had done something to sabotage the mission. Yes, that's it. The Espers were plotting against him. That's what they were talking about when they whispered back and forth to each other in his head. Leviathan probably put something in the water, poisoned it with his magic, just like he had poisoned Kefka's mind. It made perfect sense. These damn Espers were trying to kill him.
The doctor slipped a thermometer under his tongue, then frowned when he read the results."One hundred and two degrees. Though I don't know if it's from the infusion or if you're coming down with something. I think I'd better stay here with you just in case."
"No!" Kefka sat up in bed, and immediately regretted his decision as he was hit with a sudden wave of dizziness.
"Lay down, Kefka. You need to take it easy for a while."
Some feeble attempt at language dribbled past his lips, and Kefka fell back against the mound of pillows on the bed. He was too tired to fight anymore, too tired to care. Maybe, if he stopped trying to fight and gave into the Esper's demands, it would get easier. They might stop trying to kill him if he succumbed to the madness that was clawing at the inside of his skull. But what would happen to Terra if he lost his mind? Would they still allow him to see her?
He'd been fighting for so long now, and it was all for her, so he wouldn't lose the one thing he cared about more than anything else in the world. She hoped he would get better, they both did. But hope, as well as the dreams he once had, were meaningless now. There was no hope left in this world, and he had no use for dreams that died upon the blade of a long dead Esper, turning to stone, then crumbling to dust as the wind carried it away into oblivion.
The following morning he got out of bed, rising before Cid had a chance to wake up and start questioning him on his health, his various symptoms and everything else that was wrong with him. He had no desire to sit and listen to this man. All it did was remind him of how far he'd fallen since this began.
The sun was rising, its light masked by a thick veil of clouds, with light rain falling on the surface of the ocean. Kefka climbed the stairs, slowly making his way to the deck of the ship. Every bone in his body was aching, his tired muscles protesting the simple act of climbing the stairs and walking across the deck. Raindrops fell on his face, causing the limp, loose strands of blond hair to stick to his face and neck. The rain felt good against his hot skin, and he closed his eyes, tilting his head back and letting the rain ease some of the heat from his fever.
The voices in his head were quiet this morning, and for the first time in what felt like years he could finally think. He moved towards the railing, leaning against the iron bars as he looked out at the horizon. He decided that today was the day he would start writing to Terra, not just as a means of communication, but as a way to preserve the memory of who he was, so that years from now, when they carried him away and locked him up in a padded cell, she would still have something to hold onto.
He knew he couldn't save himself, but maybe he could save her by giving her a piece of himself, something that would remind her of the better days, moments they shared before everything started falling apart. As long as she remembered, as long as one of them was able to hold onto their dreams and keep fighting, then perhaps there was still hope for the future.