Chapter 10: A Different Tack

His accounting of the Valiant's final minutes, while factually accurate, could not convey the anguish of those memories. Even so, what he had said was more traumatic for his audience then Spock had expected. What for him was a narration of events that he had already lived through, was for his friends a painful revelation. The end of his description found Chief Floinn hugging her softly crying niece as she struggled to master her own strong emotions. Captain Pike stared straight ahead, shoulders slumped, profound grief engraved on his face. And he had no doubt that underneath it all was guilt as well. Pike had already implied that he believed himself at fault for leaving his command to take on the new responsibility of the Enterprise. Humans called it second guessing. It was something he had become familiar with.

"Thank you Commander," Chief Floinn whispered, breaking the silence which descended after Spock had finished. "I have no doubt that it was painful for ye to tell us of this, as it was for me to hear of it."

"Spock…Aileen…God I'm sorry I wasn't there for you," Pike said, in a rough voice.

"Sir, as I have stated before, your duty called you else where. In point of fact, it was your insistence on rigorous and repeated emergency drills while you were Captain that contributed to our comparatively small loss of life.

"That's kind of you to say…"

"Captain Pike, I do not make statements of fact in order to project kindness."

"Begging your pardon sir," Baeill said in a quiet voice, "but if you had been aboard, you would likely have been killed along with the rest of the bridge crew. I don't see how that would have helped us at all."

"Shit…all of them? Damn it, those names were not on that list you gave me Spock! What the hell happened?"

"All that can be said with certainty is at some point the bridge was sheared away from the Valiant's hull," Spock answered. "All those stationed there are still officially listed as missing in action."

"Missing?!" Pike yelled, springing up from his chair and running his hands over his face. "Are you kidding me? You were in subspace, under warp speed! What the hell do you think happened to them?!"

"Christopher!" Chief Floinn barked, standing to face him. "I know that ye are sick over what happened, because I most certainly am as well. I know the anger you feel, but it has no place here."

For a moment Pike loomed over her, then he stumbled back into his chair, head in his hands. "Sorry. I guess being pissed off is easier then anything else."

"I know sir," Floinn answered sadly, putting her hand on his shoulder. Then she turned to look at Spock. "Do ye know what was the cause of this Commander?"

"Not with any certainty Chief. There are indications of a gravimetric anomaly. Two of the Valiant's inertia compensators were rendered inoperable. The other six were badly degraded."

"Christ," Pike muttered, looking up at the Vulcan. "Two of the them?"

"Indeed Captain. Considering the severity of the damage inflicted, only random chance allowed for our survival."

"No Spock, not just luck," Pike replied. "There were also two dedicated, courageous people, determined to save their shipmates whatever the personal cost."

"Captain, I am certain I speak for Petty Officer Baeill when I say that we both desire that our roles be minimized with regards to what happen on the Valiant."

"He's right Captain," Baeill agreed emphatically. "Commander Mac and the Engineering crew did everything they could to save they ship. They're the real heroes."

"You don't have to worry Ms. Baeill. They will be remembered. But with all due respect, you and Mr. Spock are heroes as well, so you might as well get used to the idea. After all, Starfleet likes it when they can hand out medals to…"

"NO SIR!" Baeill shouted jumping to her feet. "I will not have it! I will not take a medal for killing my own shipmates!" Dashing her arm across her eyes, she stumbled back into the bedroom slamming the door behind her.

"I must apologize for Aileen Captain," Chief Floinn said, breaking the long silence that followed. "She is still very distraught over what happened."

"No Chief, I'm the one who screwed up," Pike answered, shaking his head. "I should have kept my big mouth shut. You should go to her Chief."

She nodded, then turned to Spock. "When ye have some time Commander, I should like to speak with ye."

"I am of course at your disposal Chief." She nodded, then slipped into the bedroom.

"Captain," Spock began, after she was gone, "while I disagree with the manner in which she expressed herself, I most emphatically share Petty Officer Baeill's sentiment. If Starfleet offers an award of any kind, I will refuse it."

Pike sighed, his shoulders slumped. "Ok Spock, if that's what you want, I'll talk to Nogura about it."

There was a long, uncomfortable silence before Pike spoke again. "You do know that what happened to MacPherson and his crew wasn't your fault?"

"Fault Captain? I know that what occurred was necessary to prevent the greater loss of life that would have taken place had we not acted. However, there is no escaping the logic behind Ms. Baeill emotional statement."

"Damn it Spock, you just said it yourself. You had a duty to save as many of the crew as you could."

"A fact I do not dispute sir."

"Spock," Pike said softly, "they weren't going to make it no matter what you did."

"Indeed Captain." Spock replied, staring at the other man through unblinking eyes. "That does not alter the reality that fifteen of our shipmates died as a direct result of what we did."

"You did what they wanted. You saved the rest of the crew. Given the circumstances, it was the only logical choice."

"Forgive me Captain, if I apply a term many humans I know are quite fond of. What you are saying is steer manure in it's most undiluted form."

"Not even close Spock," the other man answered in a firm voice. "I've know for a long time that I can't bullshit you. You were in a situation that didn't give you any good choices, but you made the best one you could.

"If the decision was correct sir, why am I dismayed to have made it?"

"Just because it's the right one doesn't mean it's easy to make. Or to live with. If someone tells you otherwise, they're not fit for command."

"Perhaps Captain. However, the opposite may also be true. Any officer who considers such a choice intolerable would also be unfit for command."

Pike nodded, his eyes locked in with those of his Vulcan friend. "I wish I could tell you that this kind of situation won't come up again, but that would be bullshit. As my first officer, you might have to make a choice like this again. When you get your own command, you can count on it."

"I am not on the command track sir."

Pike raised an eyebrow, in a fair imitation of Spock's familiar expression. "That's true for over half the Captains in the fleet. Besides, if I didn't think you could command a ship, I never would have offered you the job as First Officer of the Enterprise."

"Captain, while I am honored by the confidence you have expressed in me, I find I can no longer accept that position."

"Spock…you're not serious…"

"I am sir. It is as you said. If I continue in my present career track, inevitably another life or death decision will have to be made. I have resolved that being in such a circumstance again is intolerable. Therefore, I have requested to be taken off the active duty list, effective immediately."

"Damn it Spock, you agreed with everything I said!"

The Vulcan nodded, tilting his head to one side. "But not with your conclusion sir. While I would not change any of my actions, I have no desire to repeat them. This will ensure that outcome."

"Look Spock, I know you wouldn't make a decision like this without thinking it through. But that still doesn't make it the right one. You saved over three hundred of your shipmates. That's got to count for something."

"Captain, I am of course gratified that so many of the Valiant's crew survived through our efforts."

"But your still going to leave Starfleet."

"I have no intention of resigning my commission sir."

"You have…would you mind explaining to me what you are going to do?"

"Follow the example of my good friend and mentor, Captain Christopher Pike. I intend to join the staff of Starfleet Academy, beginning with the fall term."

Later, after he left Chief's Floinn domicile, he reflected on the vagaries of human emotion. While Chief Floinn had demonstrated an almost Vulcan restraint (no doubt for the sake of her niece), his mentor had grown ever more despondent in the course of his account. He understood this as a manifestation of the guilt Pike felt over the demise of his old command. Their conversation afterward appeared to unsettle him further, particularly when the Captain came to believe the Spock was leaving Starfleet. When Spock corrected the erroneous assumption, Pike was once more the optimistic, assertive, human he had served with.

He knew his former Captain better then any other human save his mother, and for Pike his commitment to teach at the Academy meant that there would be time and opportunity to convince him to reconsider his choice to leave active duty. This brought to mind his profound differences with Sarek, who refused to accept his own son's decision to enlist in Starfleet. Yet Captain Pike's obvious assumption that he had made the wrong choice did not engender the kind of anger his father's did. The human wanted what was best for his friend, and Spock believed that Pike would eventually come to accept his determination to withdraw from active duty. Sarek's pride would never allow for such a conclusion.

When he finally made his way back to his living quarters, he was chilled from the long walk through San Francisco's cool night air. The blast of heat when the door slid open to admit him was a welcome relief. Though it was after 0300, he donned his meditation robes, determined to face the disconcerting experiences of the last few days. He slowly settled into the second level trance, his mind free of the turmoil of reliving the worst thirty minutes of his life. Finally calm in the peace of logic, he was able to see the root motivation that lay behind his determination to withdraw from active duty. At the bottom of it all, there was fear.

Fear of taking life, even with good cause. Fear of failing his shipmates, by refusing to do so the next time he faced such a choice. Fear of the consequence that his every decision could have for others, both as Pike's executive officer and as a Captain in his own right. When he had entered the Academy, the notion that command would one day be a possibility was something he had not considered. Humans and Vulcans are too different for such an arrangement to be workable. It was only during his tour of duty on the Valiant that he had cause to reconsidered his view point. This change in mind was largely the result of his mentors influence.

From the beginning of their voyage, Pike had encouraged Spock not to limit himself as a Starfleet officer. Despite his good opinion of Captain Pike, he was highly dubious of the notion that a command of his own was a logical goal. Over time, and with gentle prodding from the Pike and Chief Floinn, Spock found himself becoming more receptive to the idea that perhaps a Captaincy would be a possibility in the (far) future. Human's had a word for this mode of thinking. The term was delusional.

Vulcans took great satisfaction in their reputation as hard headed realists of the first order. In this, Spock was no different then his kinsmen. As much as he had found fulfillment in his growing leadership role on the Valiant, his responsibilities encompassed a relatively narrow range of duties. Shipmates had died under his command, but not at his command. Until the disaster, he had not understood the difference. Now his misapprehension was laid bare, his fallacy fully exposed. Even more so as Captain then First Officer, he would have to make decisions that could likely cause injury or even death for those he was responsible for.

"Cast out fear. There is no room for anything else until you cast out fear."

He could hear the voice of his father, as he slowly spoke those words to him when he was barely two years old. It was among the first of Surak's sayings that Spock had committed to memory, one that he had reason to think on often since. Along with anger, fear was the most dangerous of emotions, the origin of many of the darker urges of the Vulcan psyche. Spock had by necessity learned to live with his anger. He knew that he could not live with both. So he would cast out fear by removing himself from it's proximity. He gradually surfaced to consciousness, exhausted in both mind and body. Slumping down to the floor, he sighed. Just a few minutes.

When he awoke several hours later, he was lying on the floor of his apartment still dressed in his robes. The early morning light was streaming through a nearby window and the comm was chiming, indicating an incoming transmission. With a barely audible grunt, Spock arose from the floor and activated the device. The screen brightened, revealing a woman with pleasant features and light blond hair. She was wearing the uniform of an a Starfleet officer assigned to the Academy with the rank of Lieutenant Commander. A brief expression of surprise flashed across her face, then her mask of professionalism was back in place.

"Spock here," he intoned calmly, masking the irritation he felt.

"Good Morning Commander," the woman answered, identifying herself as Celia Robbins. "I am calling on behalf of Admiral Robert Barnett," she continued, after glancing down at his attire. "He wishes to discuss an urgent matter with you at your earliest convenience."

Interesting. Spock pondered what Admiral Barnett might want with him. It could hardly be a coincidence that he had stated a preference for the Academy as his next assignment 12.2 hours ago. He was also quite aware that when an Admiral expressed a desire to meet with you, your convenience was not an issue. However, his mother's impending arrival most definitely was. After assurances from Ms. Robbins that the meeting would be of limited duration, he agreed to a time of 0900.

Admiral Barnett was a most impressive individual. Several inches taller then Spock, his open demeanor was in stark contrast to the stiff, formal manner that he assumed in public. Perhaps this was a behavioral pattern that all Admirals were expected to demonstrate to the outside world. When they were seated and sipping the tea his assistant had prepared, he quickly revealed the nature of his problem. Somewhat unexpectedly, the dilemma involved Spock.

As the Admiral explained, the domestic fowls had returned to their lodging with regard to their investigation. Twenty-eight cadets faced various levels of discipline for using Starfleet's M-5 project as a tool to illegitimately improve their academic standing. Most were to be expelled, with the rest facing suspensions of six months to a year. In addition, Starfleet security had demanded that three professors from Computer Sciences be placed on paid academic leave pending a further inquiry into the security breech that Admiral Siu held them accountable for. When Spock expressed his dismay over the repercussions of his inquest, the other man wouldn't have it.

"You did your duty Commander. I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't want people without honor or discipline any where near a starship. We certainly don't need them at this Academy." Spock simply nodded, and after a few seconds Barnett went on. "This institution is in trouble Mr. Spock. Now I'll admit that all things being equal, I'd rather have another command assignment. But when Nogura explained the circumstances to me, I couldn't turn it down. I'm hoping that you feel the same way."

"Sir, I have already submitted a request to Personnel for a position with the Academy staff. However, I do not anticipate being available before the beginning of the fall term."

Barnett nodded, taking a sip of tea. "I read the report that you submitted to Admiral Nogura concerning the Valiant. I won't pretend to understand what you went through Commander, even though I have some experience surviving a similar tragedy myself. What I will say is that taking a few months off to deal with what happened didn't help me at all."

"Admiral, with all due respect, I have no need to further process what occurred. Rather my lack of availability is due to the fact that I am under orders from Admiral Nogura to investigate the circumstances regarding the loss of the USS Valiant."

Barnett took a deep breath, rubbing his chin. "When Siu told me the Academy would be short three Computer Science Professors, I asked my aides to compile a list of people who could replace them. You were at the top of the list Commander. I'm not asking you to do this because you're available, I'm asking because you're the best. You just say the word, and I can clear it with Heihachiro."

'Sir, you mentioned that you had faced a similar experience to my own."

"That's correct Commander," he answered abruptly. "When I was an Ensign," he continued in a softer voice, "it was my first deep space assignment. Scientific survey vessel, USS Tyco. We were caught up in a class nine ion storm."

"Then you are undoubtedly aware of Starfleet protocol concerning the survivors of such incidents sir."

"You mean the mandatory debrief with Psych?" At Spock's nod, the Admiral grimaced. "It was a damned lot of nonsense in my opinion. Telling you how you're going to feel and what you need to do to get back to normal. How the hell can you ever get back to normal after seeing most of your shipmates blown into space?!"

"Indeed. Most of what was offered in the way of advise was not applicable to a Vulcan and unappealing as well. However, there was one observation that I have found to be rather useful. It concerns what humans refer to as second guessing."

The Admiral started to respond, then signed and shook his head. "I'm very familiar with the term. Kept going over it again and again in my head, trying to figure out…what I could have done differently. It was stupid really. I was just a God damned Ensign."

"As it was explained to me sir, a feeling of responsibility is inevitable among survivors. Though it is not logical, I have found there is a certain truth to the notion."

"Spock, you did everything humanly…I mean…damn it, you did what you had to."

"And yet, the sense of responsibility remains sir. Of responsibility toward those who perished, as well as the survivors. This is why I must continue my investigation. Only when it is complete and all pertinent facts known will I consider the final duty that I owe to my shipmates to be discharged."

"All right Commander," Barnett said with a nod. "I may not agree with your choice, but I can understand it. Now I just have to figure how I'm going to fill that hole in Computer Sciences."

"Admiral, may I examine the list of courses for which you are lacking an instructor?"

Barnett handed him a PADD. At a glance, Spock could see the difficulty. He had no doubt that teachers could be found for the first and second year courses. However, finding an instructor for the two advanced A.I. programming classes on short notice would be difficult. In addition, there was also a position of academic advisor to students completing their senior thesis in A.I. programming. He touched the PADD, and a list of the eight thesis students appeared on the screen. One name in particular caught his attention. What was that saying that Chief Floinn disliked so intensely? What departs in a circular manner returns on the same trajectory? He briefly studied the curriculum for the other two classes, then returned the PADD.

"I believe I may have a solution to your problem sir. At least in regard to the artificial intelligence programming courses."

"Why don't you tell me what you have in mind Commander."

"I know several individuals retired from teaching, who would take satisfaction in the opportunity to share their expertise."

"Retired? Don't take this the wrong way Spock, but I'm not looking for just anyone to teach these classes."

"They are Vulcans Admiral. Though no longer active professionally, they are conversant with the latest theories and techniques of A.I. programming. In fact, one of them developed classroom materials that are still used to teach this subject at the Vulcan Science Academy."

"Aren't you asking a lot of these people? Even if they're retired, I can't see how they would be able to pull up stakes and move to Terra on less then a weeks notice."

"They already reside on Terra sir. There is a Vulcan retirement community in Southern California which they are associated with. I believe the location is referred to as Death Valley."

"A Vulcan retirement community in Death Valley." Barnett replied with a shake of his head. "Now I've heard everything."

"Indeed sir. Though they find the nights some what cool for there liking, living on Terra with it's lower gravitational attraction has a certain desirability to the elderly."

"If you think they would be interested, I would certainly like to talk with them."

"I would be pleased to furnish you with their names as well as an introduction Admiral. In addition, I believe that my schedule will allow sufficient time to serve as advisor to those students who are completing A.I. thesis work."

"Commander, I meant what I said. You don't have to do this."

"I believe that I do Admiral. Since the Valiant was destroyed, I have been fixated on the past. It is necessary to begin looking to the future as well."

A/N: Thanks for all the positive feedback. I'm always glad to hear from those who are enjoying the story. And questions and or concerns, please let me know. Please keep the comments. I really enjoy hearing from you all.