Sooo, guess what :D

I'm home! Just got home (like, home home, not just into Malaysia) approximately five hours ago. Hmm. Anyway. I had fun :D

And here's a new chapter! Before we get into it, some shoutouts:

To Cat, who reviewed Chapter 8; thank you so much for saying it's to character and amazing! I actually felt quite ... stunned, when I received your review, haha, and I really appreciate your kind compliments.

And to ncis-1001, I did enjoy my trip, so thank you :) and thank you so much for all the reviews you've been sending me!

And to all my guest reviewers, of course :D a name you may not have left behind, but the sentiment is well-appreciated nonetheless :P

Enjoy, everyone!

-Soph

Chapter Ten

Her breathing grows shallow all of a sudden as he's knotting his tie for work, and he flies to her side.

"I'm coming back, Ziva," he says, almost imploring in his attempt to get her to Stop. Panicking. She simply nods, a hand over her chest."You don't have to be scared."

"I'm … trying … not to be," she rasps out.

He is overcome by the sudden urge to shake her and tell her to try harder, but he sees the frustration in her face and realizes that she doesn't like, want, or understand this anxiety any more than he does. So he kisses her forehead and whispers earnestly against her skin. "I'll be back as soon as I can, I promise."

"You can't promise that."

He leans back and watches her even though she avoids his gaze. "Yeah, I can. And I'm gonna keep that."

She breathes hard. "Go," she says with sudden firmness, the tenseness in her figure belying the resolution in her voice. "Go, now."

"Do I get a hug?"

That makes her head shoot up to look at him like he's insane, an action that pleases him ridiculously because she often still looks right through him rather than right at him. She leans forward breathlessly, looping her arms around his torso in something that is more the semblance of a hug than an actual hug; he reciprocates by pulling her tight against him and making her gasp.

"I love you. I gotta go; I'll be home soon."

Dropping one last kiss to the top of her head, he grabs his backpack and swings it over his shoulder. It isn't before he steps out the door, half-worried that Gibbs might actually headslap his brain out of his skull for being late for work on his first day back, that Tony realizes what he's unintentionally said to Ziva.

And how, judging by the hitch in her breath and the slightly dazed way in which she'd watched him leave, she's heard him.

xoxo

He spends the morning at work in distraction.

Gibbs takes one look at Tony and rolls his eyes, undoubtedly convinced that Tony is homesick. That, or lovesick.

Which, unfortunately, wouldn't be entirely untrue.

Tony doesn't know what bothers him more—the acknowledgement of his own feelings to a third party (or, he suspects, an entire host of third parties), his approaching Conversation with Gibbs, or his very real, very persistent wish to have a life with Ziva to which he has absolutely no right.

Certainly, the third one hurts him the most. Despite Ducky's words, he is not wholly convinced that he's not being selfish by wishing that from her; every time he pictures a world where she's capable of loving him back and spending the rest of her life by his side, his stomach turns with disgust and derision at himself because how dare he take such liberties? Her reliance on him is lopsided and almost trusting in its nature, despite the fact that she never addresses it, and he could never take advantage of her trust by imposing his will on her. Yet, while he has never tried and would never try to purposefully harm her, it gives him a guilty pang in his heart to know that every hug, every kiss on her cheek, every meal he feeds her is not motivated by purely selfless reasons. He's no saint, but maybe that's where he has erred.

She is very strong—he believes that. She will eventually heal—he is also convinced of that. But even if she finally moves on to marry and settle down, it will not be with him; she is not his, and has never been his, and his position in her life is just as a temporary helper who will slowly have to let her go. His heart wrenches at the thought that Ziva might one day decide to cut him out of her life, but then he chastises himself for these feelings, because he's known all along that he is meant to be there only to help her recover. He has always been meant to have to disengage from her once she's able to stand on her own two feet, because he has ruined her life impossibly, and he has to fix what he's destroyed before he frees her up to a future that will undoubtedly be much brighter without him. The irony that the hope for her bright future sends his heart soaring only to tear him apart when he realizes the aloneness that he will have to live with for the rest of his life fills his days, sending him teetering to a point near craziness.

A well-placed headslap jolts him out of his thoughts, and he looks up to see Gibbs' icy blue eyes glaring at him. The older man tilts his head at the elevator. "C'mon."

"Do we have a case?" Tony asks, hoping that Gibbs had said 'Grab your gear' and he has somehow not heard it. He has a feeling that the Rule 12 conversation is impending.

"Nope," the older man simply answers. Tony sighs and gets up, ignoring McGee's peering eyes and following Gibbs into the claustrophobia-inducing box. The boss has hardly pulled the brakes before Tony turns to him, eager to get everything out in the open.

"Look, I know what you're going to say."

"No, you don't."

"You're going to say Rule 12 and whatever," Tony continues, ignoring his boss, "and I'm here to let you know that it's not a big deal. Ziv—"

"Shut up, DiNozzo." Tony falls silent, and Gibbs regards him with an intensity that sends chills down his back. And then, his boss sighs. "Tony, you're not being focused."

"I'm trying."

"I know. Anything on your mind?"

Tony shifts on his feet. "Uhm … nothing you wanna know about."

"Anything I don't wanna know about?"

"If you don't wanna know about it, why d'you ask?" He winces at the stinging on his head that follows.

"Because I'm concerned."

Tony raises his eyebrows. "'Concerned'?"

"Yeah, DiNozzo. It's an emotion. Ever heard of it?"

Tony opens and shuts his mouth. And then says, "Boss, you really, really don't wanna know about this."

Gibbs sighs again. "This is about Rule 12."

"Boss, I told you, it's not a big dea—"

"I never said it was a big deal."

"Then why are you asking?"

"Because it's affecting your ability to do your work. What happened?"

"Nothing happened. I just … may have said something to her that I shouldn't have."

"You tell her you love her?" Tony gapes at his boss, and Gibbs clucks his tongue impatiently. "C'mon, DiNozzo. You can't tell me you have no idea how transparent you are."

"It's not exactly something amusing, Boss."

"Never said it was." Gibbs studies him. "Well, what are you gonna do?"

"I don't know."

"You better figure something out, because you can't go back to her looking like that."

"I'm not intending to." Tony clears his throat. "Boss … why'd you tell me to go to her in the first place?"

"'Cause she needed you," his boss answers slowly, watching him closely.

"It could've been you who stayed with her. She needs you, too. It could've been McGee."

"Yeah, but we were already there for her."

"So, it was purely to add one more person in her life?"

"If it were that, Tony, I would have gotten Tom the Janitor to stay with her."

Tony rubs his hand over his face. "I'm not the best guy out there for her."

"Neither am I or McGee."

"Yeah, but at least you two wouldn't…" Tony flaps his hand around, trying to find the right words to use. "Say stuff to her."

"Tony, you told her you love her. Big deal."

Tony groans. "Okay, firstly, it's very, very creepy that you're not trying to kill me right now. Secondly … I shouldn't have said it to her."

"I'll kill you later. And, can't take it back."

"I should."

"Tony, she's been through hell," Gibbs snaps. "But she's not emotionally stunted. By taking it back, you're insulting her dignity and her ability to cope with something like this."

"Well, what if she can't cope?"

"You leave it to her to decide that. Besides, she can't cope, she'll come to me and I'll headslap the hell outta ya."

"I don't want to…" Tony hesitates. "Set her recovery back."

"What makes you think it will?" Gibbs challenges. "Been through Somalia, can't cope with love all of a sudden?"

"I don't think she could cope with it in the first place," Tony snarls, only to regret it when he sees a flash of annoyance in Gibbs' eyes."

"You ever told her you love her?"

"No."

"Well, good. Now she knows. Now she gets to decide what the hell she wants to do with it, instead of having you decide that for her."

Tony's throat closes up at that, and he staggers backwards, resting his head heavily against the wall. "I can't live without her for a second time."

"You can't force her to keep you in her life."

"Just like you shouldn't have forced me to keep her in my life."

"Really, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asks incredulously. "You were the one who wanted to go to Somalia. Came up with all the plans, gathered all the resources; hell, I worked every angle I could with Vance, but you were the one with that burning desire to kill someone because she was dead. And now you're tellin' me that because she's alive, you don't want her anymore?"

"Of course I want her!" Tony barks. "But what if she doesn't want me?"

"Then deal with it!" Gibbs barks back, his eyes drilling into Tony's skull. "You could've not listened to me, DiNozzo. You coulda gone to the hospital and said, 'Hey, guess what? Now that you're back, I've lost my liking for you.' You coulda not moved in, because I said that moving in was up to you, but you moved in and you haven't left yet. So don't blame me for this, because guess what? I'm not the keeper of your actions."

Tony laughs bitterly. "I know."

"You're a grown man. You fell in love, and you made a decision to help the woman you were in love with. That doesn't make you a monster. It just means you have to deal with the consequences of your actions!"

The senior field agent breathes out, pain tugging at his heart. "I know," he answers more quietly.

"Tony. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you always knew you had to deal with this, didn't you?"

"Yeah," he admits.

"So, why'd you make the decision to stay?"

Tony draws in a shuddering breath. "I guess, because I had to."

"Obligation?"

"No … not really." He shakes his head. "Need."

Gibbs watches him for a few moments before nodding. "Lunch break is in two hours. You're on desk duty until then. After that, go back to her, hug her, say what you need to say, and come back here focused, because I need you alive in the field. We all need you alive. Do you understand that, DiNozzo?"

Tony nods, and Gibbs gives him a light tap on the side of his head before pulling the brakes. The elevator doors slide open.

"Go," Gibbs orders, and Tony goes, somehow feeling more and less confused all at the same time.