Rebirth of Love
Musings of a Recovering Yandere
Chapter 10

New Year's Day

Might this world be real,
or might it be but a dream?
Whether it be dream
or reality I know not,
for we are here and not here

—Kokinshuu #942

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The next morning a kind voice and a gentle hand on my shoulder pulled me out of sleep. I mumbled something about wanting to stay like this forever.

"If you don't get up now, you'll miss the first sunrise of the year," I heard Natsuki say. I turned and opened my eyes to see a most beautiful sight: Natsuki wore a rare, gentle, caring expression as she looked down on me resting in her lap.

"Good morning, Natsuki. Thank you for waking me." My heart overflowed with joy as well as thanks. "I hope I didn't cause you trouble by falling asleep on you like this."

Hopefully my deep gratitude came across. Thinking back, her expression should have told me I wasn't a trouble, but my insecurities (especially when not quite awake) prompted me to say that.

"No... no trouble," Natsuki confirmed. She then asked, "You sleep OK?"

I smiled and sat up. As wonderful as Natsuki's lap was, twisting my head like that to look at her was not being kind to my neck.

"Yes, very well," I replied. "Thank you for being such a wonderful pillow."

Natsuki's gentle smile turned to a grin, then to a laugh, quiet at first, growing as I joined her. We continued as the couch shook and the apartment rang with our shared laughter, some at my description of her lap, but mostly with pure joy at simply being together like this.

We finished laughing, and I handed the blanket to Natsuki and stood up. She threw it onto the sofa and followed me over to look out my eastern window behind the table.

We saw dawn send her vanguard of pink and rose creeping over the horizon, stalking the shadows of the old night. They had naught to pursue above, for the few clouds of yesterday had fled with the old year.

"Is this OK?" Natsuki asked. "You wanna to go outside to see better?"

Once more, she was thinking of me.

"This will be just fine," I replied. The height that the second floor here gave us was more of an advantage than any wider view or different viewpoint we could get from going outside. Once again, I was grateful for the low, older house next door. I pointed and asked, "Don't you think the sun should come up behind that hill."

Natsuki nodded, deferring to my knowledge of the area. I hoped to someday lose this advantage.

We stood quietly together, looking out the window, watching dawn slowly chase the deepest shadows from the city. Eventually the edge of the first sun of the year peeped over the horizon, and I wondered if the new year would fulfill the promise of hope with which it began.

The scene unfolding before us prompted me to quote:

.

New Year's Day:
What luck! What luck!
A pale blue sky!

"Who wrote that?" asked Natsuki. "It really matches the view."

I noticed a hint of a smile as she asked this. I wonder if she not only noticed, but actually appreciated my effort (by now mostly instinctive) to come up with a poem like this.

Thank you, Natsuki, for asking, and for recognizing that this was actually a quote from one of the haiku masters.

"That was Issa," I explained.

I hope it was not just my imagination that saw a mixture of recognition and appreciation in her expression. There was, at least, no mistaking the quiet smile that filled her face.

No further words seemed to be needed, as we stood there and enjoyed each others simple company while we watched the sun finish rising.

After the sun had fully risen, I caught Natsuki stealing a furtive glance toward the kitchen.

"Are you thinking of breakfast?" I asked, suppressing a laugh.

"Uh... yeah."

"Shall we make it together again?" This time, happy hope beat out mirth among my emotions. I so enjoy working together with Natsuki.

"Uh... yeah," Natsuki answered. "Thanks." Her reply was quieter this time, and a hint of color touched her cheeks beneath downcast eyes.

We moved to the kitchen and fell to comfortably sharing the work of preparing the meal. This felt so good and so natural that I hoped it would come to be common. I dared not let myself hope for it to become a blessed daily event.

While I was working atop the stove, I noticed her pause and stare pointedly at her bottle of mayonnaise in the refrigerator. I call it hers, as I almost never use it. Since she had started coming over, I have taken to always keeping a bottle in the refrigerator for her to use. I wonder whether she was noticing and thinking about this thing I quietly did for her. I hope she likes it: she certainly uses it from time to time. I find I really enjoy doing things for her, especially things that make her happy.

.

We finished preparation and sat down to eat together.

"Thank you for your help making this," I said after taking a bite. It goes without saying that I smiled happily at Natsuki. "It's good."

Natsuki returned a smile. "You're welcome. It's tasty. But I should be thanking you." She didn't even blush this time. While I missed that cute expression, the fact that she felt comfortable—and even natural—enough to not be embarrassed ...that was an even better treat for me.

"So did you have anything special as your first dream of the year?" I asked. Hopefully Natsuki wouldn't consider this prying, but rather simple conversation. Though if she wanted to share, I would welcome whatever she was willing to.

"Dunno," Natsuki answered, then continued as it looked like she felt this warranted more than her typical terse response. "I don't know if I even dream at all. I never remember any." She cocked her head. "You?"

"I must plead similar ignorance, as I also remember no dream."

I decided now was not the time to tell Natsuki that sleeping on her lap last night was a dream come true for me in itself. It was a most wonderful way to start the year, and I figured that it would upset or embarrass her to tell her. I didn't want to spoil the beginning of either of our years by forcing these emotions on her.

Memory visited me and must have shown on my face as Natsuki raised a questioning eyebrow.

"But I think you know I'm just as happy not to have certain dreams return," I answered.

"Yeah, that is good." Natsuki returned a knowing smile.

I nodded. She understood without my having to explain. Knowing that she did, and that she gave me that understanding with acceptance and no censure, made me feel more than simply good.

Our conversation wandered across what had happened this past year and what the new year might bring. Talking with Natsuki once again helped me see that many of those events weren't quite as bad as they seemed when I looked at them by myself alone.

Thank you for believing I am—and helping me to be—a better person, Natsuki. I hope I might be able to someday do the same for you.

.

Natsuki helped cleaning up after breakfast, just as she had in preparing it. As we finished, my thoughts and our conversation turned to the shrine visit Natsuki said she'd do. Doing the first shrine visit of the year together with her felt wonderful.

"Are you still willing to dress traditionally?" I asked. "I don't want to push if it makes you uncomfortable..."

"No, it's OK. If we're going shrine visiting, that's what to wear. ...and thanks for the loan." She looked genuinely appreciative. "I don't have anything like that."

I smiled at this. Of course it made me happy to loan her a kimono. Not only did I enjoy doing something for her, but she would also look beautiful in it, and more than that, she was happily accepting what I did for her.

"Here, let me show you what I have."

I led the way back to my bedroom to show her the two kimono I had laid out yesterday. I smiled to myself. Thanks to the wonderful place I slept, I hadn't even had to move them from my bed to make room to sleep there.

Natsuki was drawn to the deep blue of the chrysanthemum colors for December, just as I expected she would be.

"Thanks for getting this out and letting me use it," she said.

"It's no problem." It was in fact nothing like a problem, rather I considered it a favor to me that Natsuki would let me loan her these clothes. "You can use my room to have some privacy to change. Do you want to change first or should I?"

"Go ahead. You're faster anyway," she replied, and headed back out to the living room.

I closed my bedroom door and quickly put up my hair and donned my kimono. I didn't exactly rush, but as I was checking that everything was in the right place, I realized that putting on a kimono uses a different set of skills than donning western clothes, and that fewer and fewer people nowadays possessed them.

After checking that everything was set out for Natsuki, I headed back to the the living room where she sat waiting.

"Natsuki, I'm done. The room is all yours now."

She entered my bedroom and closed the door behind her. I continued up the hall where I took out two pair of zori for us from the shoe cupboard by the door, then retired to the bathroom to do some last checks on my outfit and makeup in front of the mirror there. I wanted to look my best for Natsuki; she deserves it.

No sooner had I finished than Natsuki called out, "Shizuru, can you help me with my obi?" I could hear the frustration in her voice.

"Of course," I answered, then mentally added, And thank you for asking me to help, Natsuki. I strengthened my resolve to never repeat the transgressions I had allowed myself with her that time during the Carnival when I had changed her clothes after rescuing her from Nao. Her being fully awake now would definitely help me.

Natsuki had done quite a credible job with everything but the obi, and she had that ready for me. It took me a lot of practice before I could readily tie my own obi, so there was no shame in her asking for help. As I tied Natsuki's I thought how much better she had done with her kimono than most girls would: definitely better than my fans whom I had helped dress a few times in years past. I was able to straighten a couple places Natsuki couldn't see herself (though perhaps my tying her obi had introduced those wrinkles). I also noticed that instead of putting her hair up like I had, she had gathered her long tresses with a lavender bow just below her shoulder-blades. That matched her outfit and looked quite good. I told her so and was rewarded with a blush as she avoided eye contact.

"There you go," I said when I had finished, and gave Natsuki a quick look over to make sure everything was in order—and to be perfectly honest, to savor her beauty. When I had confirmed everything with Natsuki's outfit looked right, I asked, "Is mine OK?"

Natsuki nodded that it was.

"Wait," I said as a thought struck me, "there's one more thing."

I turned and pulled out my jewelry box from my dresser. I soon found what I was seeking, and fastened it around my neck as I turned back towards Natsuki. Her eyes widened when she recognized that I had just put on the necklace she had given me for my birthday.

"This may not be perfectly traditional," I explained, "but I think it goes with the color—and I really want to wear it at a time like this."

Natsuki's surprised smile deepened into another blush at these words, which made her look both cute and beautiful. I smiled back, realizing that as cute as her reaction was, I wasn't aiming for that. I had only spoken the unadorned, honest truth.