Gone But Not Forgotten
A/N: Thank you again for the generous and encouraging words that were left on my last chapter. To all who read and support my stories..you guys are awesome and much appreciated. :-)
Chapter 10
As Mike drove out of the underground parking garage and exited Bryant Street, he glanced casually over at Steve who went to lay his head back against the seat and winced as the uncovered cut protested. Snapping his head back up as the cut stung, Mike placed a hand on his partner's arm while he drove with the other and spoke.
"THAT'S why you should have left the dressings on buddy boy. Are you alright?"
Steve once more touched the cut very cautiously and was relieved to see that it still wasn't bleeding.
"Yeah ... But you're right, it wasn't a good idea, although it seemed it at the time."
The young man shifted in his seat and Mike noticed him nursing the knuckles on his right hand too. Again without taking his eyes off the road he asked.
"What did you hit with that hand?"
Steve didn't answer but looked too embarrassed to tell. He shrugged instead, his left shoulder protesting the gesture and he sighed heavily, purposefully looking out the passenger window to avoid Mike's gaze.
"Come on, you can tell me. What poor inanimate object did you take out your frustrations on huh?" Mike persisted in a non-judgmental tone.
Without turning around Steve murmured quietly.
"The elevator doors ... "
Mike smiled.
"Well, I've felt like punching those myself a few times, especially when the elevator takes so long to arrive. However next time, maybe pick something a little softer to hit, ok?"
Again a quiet subdued answer reached Mike's ears.
"Yeah ... Ok."
The rest of the drive to Union Street was taken in silence and Mike disliked how withdrawn and quiet his partner was. It was almost a quarter to nine when they pulled up outside Steve's apartment. The sky was very overcast and looked angry. Looking up at it through the windscreen Mike spoke as Steve went to get out of the car.
"By the look of that sky, it looks like we're in for a few serious downpours buddy boy. Let's try to get back to De Haro Street before they arrive huh?"
"Sure Mike, I won't be long. "
Mike watched Steve get out and then followed him. He noted that Steve climbed the steps very wearily and observed him as he opened the door and flung his keys on the hall table.
"Make yourself at home Mike. It won't take me long to throw a bag together."
"Ok ..."
As Steve headed for his bedroom, Mike wandered into the living room and shook his head at the state of the room. The couch was all messed up as if someone had been lying on it recently. A blanket lay in a crumpled heap at one end and the cushions were haphazardly strewn here and there. There was an ashtray full of sunflower seed shells on the coffee table, an empty bottle of beer and several old newspapers and magazines in a scattered pile beside them. The clothes Steve had been wearing yesterday were strewn casually over the back of the armchair. Appalled by the mess, Mike shouted in at Steve.
"Buddy boy, this room is a mess. Don't you ever tidy up?"
Steve came out of the bedroom and joined Mike in the living room, his face flushed with embarrassment as he had forgotten how he had left it that morning. Grabbing up the ashtray and the empty bottle, he muttered apologetically.
"Sorry Mike, I was going to tidy it this evening. I forgot ... "
Mike took the items back off Steve and placed them back down on the coffee table, regretting making the young man feel worse than he already did and deciding to make himself useful instead.
"That's alright. You've had other things on your mind. I'll do it, you go pack your bag."
"No Mike, it's my mess, I should clean it up. It won't take a minute."
But Mike was unyielding.
"I've got it. Now GO."
Steve knew he was fighting a losing battle so he thanked Mike instead and headed back to the bedroom.
Looking at the room, all the evidence pointed to the fact that Steve had spent a very restless night on the couch last night and that explained why the young man was so tired today. Removing his coat and hat and placing them on the chair beside the hall table, Mike set to work. First he brought the bottle and the ashtray into Steve's small kitchen and emptied the contents of the ashtray into the trash and placed the bottle with other empty ones in a box beside the door. Then returning to the living room he fixed the cushions and put the newspapers and magazines in a neat pile. Then he picked up the blanket to fold it and something fell out of it onto the floor. Reaching down Mike picked up a small, old looking photo album. He was tempted to look through it but instead he placed it on the coffee table as he folded the blanket and threw it over the back of the couch. Then picking up the clothes he went to the closed bedroom door and shouted into Steve from outside.
"Steve, where's your laundry basket?"
"In the bathroom, Mike."
Mike took the clothes and put them in Steve's laundry basket and then returned to the living room, admiring his handiwork as he came in. The living room was tidy again so he sat down on the couch and waited for Steve to finish up. The photo album kept catching his eye and yet he didn't want to pry into Steve's private things. As the seconds ticked by, the temptation became too strong and Mike picked it up and listened for signs of Steve returning. When he heard nothing he flicked the album open and swallowed hard as he saw family pictures of a man and woman with a little boy. He brought it closer and studied the face of the little boy and recognized Steve's features immediately. He flicked through the pages and saw Steve at various ages from a baby up to a toddler and then up to a five year old and he felt a lump appear in his throat. It had been on the couch and he figured that Steve had been looking through it last night as the Anniversary was imminent. He sat staring at the pictures sadly, when without warning a quiet voice startled him from the doorway.
"They're the only pictures I have of them. "
Mike looked up and it was his turn to blush as he closed the album and placed it back down on the table.
"I'm sorry Steve. I shouldn't have been looking at it. It fell out of the blanket as I was folding it and I ... "
Steve saw how flustered Mike was at getting caught looking at it and quickly stopped his apology and put him out of his misery.
"It's alright Mike. I don't mind you looking at it. It's not like it's a secret." he said sadly as he came in and sat down beside Mike briefly and picked the album back up.
Mike was relieved that Steve wasn't angry with him and so decided to chance his arm further.
"Were you looking at that last night?"
Steve continued to flick through the pictures and Mike worried as he thought he saw moisture in the young man's eyes. After several more seconds Steve answered.
"Yeah ... It's kind of a tradition I have. I look through it around their anniversary, just so I never ... forget what they looked like ... "
Steve forced a smile at Mike and then clearing his throat he stood up and closed the album, taking it with him out into the hall as he called back.
"I just have to get my toilet bag and clothes for tomorrow and then we're good to go."
Steve wandered into his bedroom again, placed the album on his bed and then went over and opened the wardrobe. He wasn't sure what he should wear for the Anniversary mass but knew he wanted to look smart so he flicked through the clothes that were hanging up until he got to a suit bag right at the end of the rack. It was an expensive suit that he kept for special occasions and had only worn it maybe twice, the last time being for a friend's wedding just a few months back. He winced as he remembered how much of his paycheck he had spent on it. He decided that it would be perfect and took it out and laid the suit bag down carefully on the neatly made bed that he hadn't slept in last night. He then went to the bathroom and collected his toilet bag and razor and returned to place them in the bag. As he did, he checked what he had packed. As he mentally made sure he had everything he needed, he went to zip it up but then he spotted the album and after several minutes of deliberation, he placed it in too and closed it fully.
Then he changed into a pair of jeans and he removed his bloodied shirt and fetching a t-shirt from the chest of drawers he pulled it on, avoiding his sore head and shoulder as best he could in the process. As he smoothed it down and put on his casual jacket, transferring his wallet into it from his old one, he heard Mike arrive at the doorway behind him.
"You know you'd be better to leave that shirt soaking in cold water in your bathroom sink while you're gone. It helps get the bloodstains out.'
Steve turned to look at him curiously.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, works every time. "
"Ok, thanks for the tip."
And taking it up, he passed Mike and left the shirt soaking as he was told.
Returning he picked up the hold all and the suit bag and announced proudly.
"Ok, I'm ready."
"That was fast. How come men can pack a bag in fifteen minutes but women take so long? Do you know that when Jeannie comes home for the weekend she spends more time unpacking and repacking than anything else." he said jokingly and managed to raise a slight smile from Steve.
"If you're looking at me for the answers, then you're looking in the wrong place. I don't claim to understand women's minds any more than you do. Actually I don't think any man does."
"You've got that right buddy boy. Ok, come on. Let's get to De Haro Street before that rain starts."
Steve thanked Mike for tidying up his living room and then gathering up their things and locking up carefully they made their way back down to the car. They wasted no time in getting to De Haro Street but the sky grew darker and more ominous all the time. Parking outside, Mike got Steve's stuff from the back seat and locked the car up but they had only made it up half of the steps to Mike's house when the heavens opened and the rain sheeted down. Mike took Steve's elbow to hurry him the rest of the way but kept a firm grip on him in case the rushing caused another dizzy spell and as Mike quickly opened the front door, the two men dashed over the threshold, dripping wet off their coats as they did.
Mike still had a grip on Steve and before anything else he quickly asked.
"Are you ok? That sprint didn't make you dizzy did it?"
"No ... I'm fine, just soggy like Tony's finest." Steve joked as he shook drops of rain from his hair and discarded his wet coat.
"Wise guy! " Mike teased back as he put Steve's belongings down on the hall floor and took off his hat and flicked raindrops off it in Steve's direction as the younger man laughed.
Closing the front door, Mike took his coat off and taking Steve's coat too, he hung them up to dry alongside his hat and then rubbing his hands together he spoke.
"Say it's chilly in here now. Why don't I light a fire and make us some coffee to warm us up and dry us out. Sound good?"
Steve shivered and smiled.
"Yeah, that sounds good. I'll tell you what though. I'll light the fire, you make the coffee, ok?"
"Deal. And turn the lamps on will you please? " Mike exclaimed as he headed for the kitchen and Steve headed for the living room. Switching on the lamps, he then went to the fireplace and knelt down carefully in front of it.
As he set it and then lit it he gently leaned over and blew at the flames until it was nicely roaring. Then he stretched out his hands to feel the soothing warmth that was coming from it. He stayed staring into the flames for several minutes, immersed in his own thoughts and memories before Mike's voice drew his attention away.
"Ok, buddy boy. Hot steaming coffee coming up." he announced, arriving with a tray behind him and setting it down on the coffee table.
Then he took a seat in the armchair and proceeded to pour out two cups of coffee and put milk and sugar in them. Instead of sitting up into the armchair behind him Steve merely sat back leaning against it as he gazed back into the flames. Mike watched him closely and then spoke jokingly.
"We do have chairs you know. You don't have to sit on the floor. What is it with you sitting on floors today?"
Steve chuckled at Mike's words.
"I don't know, but I prefer it down here. "
"Ok, suit yourself. Here's your coffee."
Steve accepted the cup gratefully and seemed to savor his first mouthful.
"Good?" Mike asked smiling.
"Very."
Just as he went to take a second sip an unmerciful loud clap of thunder sounded and Steve jumped, just barely saving his cup from spilling and scalding him as he did.
"Wow, did you hear that? Now THAT was loud. It sounded like it was right over the house." he said bracing himself for a possible second bang.
Mike saw him startle and started to laugh.
"What?"
"You! Don't tell me you're afraid of thunder and lightning are you?"
"NO! Of course not." Steve said indignantly and then as Mike stared at him incredulously he stammered.
"It just unnerved me that's all. "
"Ok, ok I believe you, though millions wouldn't."
Steve calmed himself a little then started to smile as he saw Mike watching him closely. Then in a quiet, humorous voice he muttered honestly.
"I used to be though ... when I was a kid of course."
"Of course... " Mike said smiling and then he started laughing as Steve startled again as another loud bang came and lightning lit up the room.
"Aw lay off Mike ... " Steve pleaded, his already frayed nerves getting a further battering by the storm.
"Sorry buddy boy ... " Mike said apologetically, reaching over and patting his arm. " Well I guess that puts paid to watching the game. We shouldn't have the tv on during a storm like that. Actually maybe I better get some candles ready in case the power goes out."
Steve looked apprehensively up at his partner.
"You think the power will go out?"
"Well it's possible, better to be prepared though. Don't tell me you were afraid of the dark too? ... when you were a kid of course." he added for effect.
"Ha, Ha, very funny. No, my nerves are just a bit shot today." he said downheartedly as his smile faded and Mike felt sorry for the young man.
More loud claps of thunder rang out and lightning flashed several times more as the rain hammered down. Mike could tell that Steve was very on edge.
"Well after the day you've had I'm not surprised your nerves are shot." he soothed sympathetically. "Besides, the power will probably be fine, don't worry."
No sooner had the words left his mouth when an even louder bang of thunder struck, and lightning flashed and the lamps went out. Steve and Mike were left with just the firelight glow for light.
"You had to say it didn't you?" Steve complained. "Well this is just great. Where do you keep your candles? " he asked starting to get up but Mike had gotten up first and stopped him from rising.
"Stay put buddy boy. I know this house like the back of my hand even in the dark. You don't. I'll get the candles and some flashlights. Besides the day you're having you'll only end up falling and banging that head again. I'll be right back."
Steve sat back down and watched Mike head off into the darkness. He was apprehensive for some reason. The thunder banged again and the room lit up even more with the lightning, now that the lamps were out. He heard the rain spilling down outside and was glad that they were inside out of it. He huddled a little closer to the fire for comfort. He listened carefully for Mike and heard a strange noise and Mike muttering crossly.
"Mike? You ok?"
"Yes, I'm fine. Don't worry. I just forgot I put your bag in the hall and nearly tripped over it. I won't be long."
"Mike, be careful."
"I will ... "
He heard Mike's footsteps in the hall and then nothing. He waited quietly as the storm outside raged on. It felt like a long time had passed and Mike still hadn't come back and neither had the power. Steve was getting worried. Maybe he had fallen in the dark and hurt himself. Then he heard some more noises but couldn't make out what they were. He listened and heard nothing else.
"MIKE? Are you ok?"
There was no answer.
"MIKE?"
Again no reply came. Steve felt his heartbeat quicken and his breathing became unsteady as he felt something touch off his shoulder. He whipped his head around and saw Mike's face inches from his, illuminated with the flashlight. He jumped back with the fright and Mike convulsed laughing.
"MIKE! You nearly gave me a heart attack " he said breathing heavily and swatting at the older man in disgust but he couldn't help but see the funny side of Mike's harmless prank and quickly joined in the laughing too.
As Mike's laughing subsided, he patted Steve's right shoulder.
"Oh, I'm sorry buddy boy but I couldn't help myself. Are you ok?"
"Yes, I will be if you promise not to do that again. " he spoke still giggling.
"Ok, I promise. No more pranks. Come on. Let's get these candles lit and then we can have some more coffee.
They lit several candles and put them around the living room and then sat back down again in the same places and Mike refilled the coffee cups. The thunder wasn't banging as frequently and after each bang and flash Mike heard Steve muttering quietly. Curious as to what he was doing, he tried to hear what he was saying but Steve was whispering it too low. After the third time it happened, Steve spoke.
"The storm's moving further away. It should stop soon. "
"How can you tell that?"
"Didn't anyone ever show you the Mississippi trick?"
Mike looked at Steve as if he had suddenly sprouted an extra head and shook his head.
"No, I don't believe they did. Do tell."
Steve shifted slightly where he sat as if wondering whether or not he should share his tale but then started to explain.
"Well ... when I used to be afraid of storms as a kid, My Grandfather showed it to me. After the flash of lightning you start counting, one Mississippi , two Mississippi and so forth until the bang of thunder comes. The less Mississippis you can say the closer the storm is and the more you can say, the further away it is. "
Mike sat back in his chair and Steve could see him smile in the glow from the fire.
"Is that so?"
"Yeah, honest, no joke. You see the second last time I counted to eight but the last time I got to ten so it's moving away."
Mike shook his head in admiration and smiled wider.
"Buddy boy, observations like that are what's going to get you to the top of the Department."
Both men laughed and then Mike fidgeted and used his flashlight to look at his watch.
"Say it's almost half ten. I know I said I wouldn't force you to eat and I won't, but do you fancy some toast before bedtime? I know I'd feel better if you ate something."
Mike saw Steve make a face at the suggestion of food but then he looked at the older man strangely.
"Wait a minute. How do you plan on making toast if the power is still out?"
"Haven't you ever toasted bread by the fire, huh?"
Steve shook his head.
"Well then you haven't lived. Watch and learn buddy boy, watch and learn."
Mike took his flashlight and headed off while Steve stoked up the fire a little and threw more wood on it. When Mike returned he had bread on two long utensils and handed one to Steve. They spent the next few minutes toasting and eating the bread and while he wasn't exactly wolfing it down, Mike was pleased that Steve was nibbling at his and eating it slowly but surely. As he nibbled his last piece, he washed it down with some coffee and spoke unexpectedly.
"So Michael, I've shared my deepest, darkest fears, this evening. Aren't you going to share yours or doesn't Iron Mike have any?" he added lightheartedly.
"We all have fears buddy boy. I'm not immune to them."
Steve looked surprised.
"Well you're not afraid of thunder and lightning, or the dark, or heights ... hmmmm ...so let me guess, spiders?" he added laughing.
"Very funny. No, wrong guess. But you were right partially. Those other things don't frighten me but my fears are well ... more practical than that."
Now Steve looked confused and uneasy about the tone Mike had used. He decided not to push Mike to explain but sipped more of his gradually cooling coffee as he waited for Mike to continue in his own time.
"Seeing as you asked buddy boy, my biggest fear is not being able to protect the people I care about. "
"Mike ... what are you talking about?"
"Well, we signed up to serve and protect buddy boy, didn't we?"
"Yeah ..." Steve answered quietly and very apprehensively, wondering where Mike was going with this line of conversation and starting to regret asking the question in the first place.
"And we do it every day on the job. Protect people who need protecting and seek justice for those who we failed to protect, right?"
Again Steve merely nodded his head solemnly and drained the last of his coffee nervously.
"But when it comes to my own family, well I couldn't protect Helen, could I?"
"Mike ... Helen was sick. You did everything you could for her. Some things are just out of our control Mike." Steve said, his heart sinking at the turn of the conversation.
"Yes, I know that. But I couldn't save her. Then there's Jeannie. All the way in another state and knowing I can't protect her from here. And when we chase a shooter into a dark place and we don't know where he is, sometimes I'm afraid I won't be able to protect you either from one of his bullets. Those are my fears buddy boy, so now you know. Not living up to my Iron Mike reputation so much now huh?"
Steve had gone very quiet, totally regretting ever asking the question now as he saw Mike staring into the open flames and looking downhearted in the dim light. He wasn't sure how he should answer and he struggled to find the right words.
"Mike ... In those situations I feel that way about you too Mike, but ... I also know that being partnered with you I have the best chance of surviving those situations. I trust you implicitly Mike and as for Jeannie. Sure she's in another state and you cant protect her while she's there but you taught her well Mike and thanks to that she's well able to look after herself. You have to trust her and know that she's capable of looking out for herself . I should know. When you're on your own, you learn to rely on your own instincts a lot and you manage Mike, because you have to. And as for Helen ... that was not your fault. She got sick and from what you've told me over time, you did everything you could for her. You couldn't do anything about that anymore than I could stop the drunk driver that killed my parents?"
Steve finished his long speech and dry swallowed, hoping that Mike would feel better from what he had to say and he almost sighed with relief as he saw the older man smile.
"So you're saying I shouldn't feel guilty about not being able to protect Helen."
"Yeah ... that's exactly what I'm saying."
Mike got a strange look in his eye and leaned forward making Steve very uncomfortable. Then he spoke purposefully and seriously, his recent motives for leading the conversation instantly revealed in the question he asked.
"Ok, you're right ... so why do you still feel guilty about your parents buddy boy? You couldn't help what happened to them either."
Steve's face fell as he knew he'd been cornered by an expert.
" That's different ..."
"How? You couldn't prevent what happened to them anymore than I could have prevented what happened to Helen, Steve."
"No ... you don't understand." the young man stammered .
"Then MAKE me understand" Mike said forcefully, hating having to do it, but knowing that it was the only way that Steve would ever open up and deal with whatever he was torturing himself over.
"I ... I ... was supposed to be with them ..." Steve answered, his voice breaking and in the flickering firelight a tear was visible as it trailed down his cheek.