Well gang it is time for the next chapter. Once again, I apologize for any spelling or grammar errors. Tried to catch them all, but I suck at Pokemon ... I mean editing. Also this chapter we get to finally find out what happened with old Francisco.

Chapter 10: Left My Heart With Francisco

The next few days went by in a blur. A slow motion blur with Saturday standing at the end of the hall taunting her. She felt like the weekend would never come and she would be doomed to relive the days working up to it over and over again. She felt like that guy in that movie where he kept reliving the same day over again. She liked that movie, but had to admit if it were on TV now she would be sorely tempted to shoot the damn TV out of bitter annoyance. Thankfully between roller derby practice, martial arts training, and spending time with her friends and family, Lynn noticed that time was getting eaten up like it were a little plastic ball in a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Saturday was just a few days away, and as it drew closer the ball of nerves that had settled itself into her stomach began to ache, reminding her of all the times in the past where she had failed. Her track record in dating was far less impressive than the one she had in sports. Hell even the one she had with Lincoln and his video games was better. She always seemed to get tackled in the friend zone, fumbling her chances on three separate occasions.

Her first crush was a boy named Tommy that she liked back when she was in fifth grade. He was cute and had a chipped tooth like her brother (though this was before that infamous incident that caused Lincoln to chip his tooth). Lynn loved to play tether ball with Tommy, who was taller than her and always seemed to get an advantage over her. They would go back and forth all during recess. One day a girl named Stephanie started to pick on Tommy for being so tall. This pissed Lynn off. She went to Stephanie one day during recess and told her to knock it off. Stephanie refused to do so, even pushed Lynn down. Lynn got back to her feet, hocked a loogie to the dirt and hauled off with her right, hitting Stephanie square in the cheek. Lynn of course got detention and almost got suspended. All of that she could handle with no problem. The thing that crushed her was when Tommy told her he did not want to play with her anymore. He had been embarrassed that a girl had to fight his battles for him. That was strike one.

After Tommy came Richie, the boy she met on her first day of middle school. Richie was cocky, funny, and loved to play basketball. During gym class he would always challenge Lynn to a game of horse. Richie would clobber her every time, putting her down with a three point shot from the side of the court. For some reason Lynn was having some major difficulties with that particular shot, the ball always either hitting the side of the back board or just rolling off the rim. At this point Lynn's competitive streak started to really show, and she would put the time in to practice over and over again until she improved in her performance. Later, when Richie challenged her again, she made the three point shot and finally beat him. She ran around the court and yelled and hollered like she won the NBA championship. Afterwards Richie got quiet and distant. He stopped playing with her, instead focusing his attentions on one of the other girls, a blonde who was getting breasts and giggled at his stupid jokes. Lynn would watch as he tried to impress her and she would laugh and toss her hair, leaving Lynn to blink back tears and go home to stare in the mirror at the flat chested tomboy looking back to her. She wished she looked as perfect as Lori or Leni, with hair that shined and a body that did not look like it was waiting for its nuts to drop. That was the first time a boy made her cry, and God had she wished she could have punched the ugly reflection in the mirror that day. Strike two.

Then there was Francisco. God damned Francisco. Things seemed great at first, they were on the same baseball team, they always joked around during practice. It felt like they were a lot closer than just being friends. Once she started to notice how cute he was, well that was when she found herself stealing looks at him, admiring how the tight baseball uniform snuggled around his body. He was the first guy that she would lay awake on her bed and night and think about kissing her. Making her heart and senses tingle. She was still waiting for that first kiss, and she wanted it to be Francisco so badly.

Things changed so quickly after she gave him the note. She wondered why she let her sisters talk her into that stupid love note. Why did she let herself think that this would have been any different from the others? Once he found out who the note was from his attitude towards her changed. He told her he didn't see her like that, that she was more like a brother to her. The jackass actually told her that, saying that the girl who poured her heart out to him was more like a brother to her. If she had not been so heart broken at the time she may have kicked him in the nuts so hard he would have been choking on them for a week. Instead, she went home and cried in the shower as she tried to scrub herself clean, feeling dirty for even trying to open herself up to him.

A few weeks later Francisco started to date a perky little blonde girl who had curves in all the right places and reputation for going a lot farther than just kissing. That was when something crossed her mind that she instantly hated to think about. For a split-second Lynn wondered if blood and pain could dull the ache her heart felt. She knew she couldn't cut herself the way a few of the girls at school did, the way she thought Lucy did. But she could push herself out on the field, or when she was fighting. Take a few hits, lets some blood flow and some bones crack. A few flashes of pain to silence the moan of her broken heart. Would that have been so bad?

She ultimately talked herself out of it, knowing that her pain would eventually become her siblings pain. She hated the thought of Lucy cutting herself or thinking about suicide, though they could never prove she was doing either. Still, just the thought made her heart hurt far worse than what any boy could do to her. Lynn did not want to put that kind of pain on to her siblings. She would grit her teeth and bare it, just fight through it all. Though the thoughts never did go away, and she supposed they never would. As long as she saw herself as just another ugly girl who could never find that special someone in her life, then she would always have those looming phantoms haunting her mind.

After everything with Francisco, her friends helped her through it, telling her that she did not need a man to make her feel complete. Saying that she was a strong independent woman who could handle anything. Though they may have been right, it did not change the fact that she still felt the desire to feel someones tender lips on hers. She wished for someone to tell her how pretty she was, and to feel their warm embrace as they wrapped their arms around her, whispering sweet words into her ear. She wanted to be loved dammit. Was that too much to really ask for? Just one boy to tell her that she was special, that she mattered, that she was at least beautiful to him. God she hated those damn feelings. She hated to be weak, to feel she was living up to some kind stereotype of how a girl was supposed to act. She was supposed to be tough. Yet she often found herself crying about not being loved, practically praying for some boy to save her. That wasn't her, yet she knew those feelings were there. Even now with Cory and the unknown possibility that he brought along with him, she found herself looking at a girl she almost did not recognize. What was she was becoming? Was she just growing up, leaving the girl she was behind, changing into the woman she did not want to be? She wished she could carve her God damned heart out of her flat chest and fling it to the trash can by her bed. It only seemed to bring her nothing but trouble anyhow.

Lynn sat on the edge of her bed with her head in her hands. She felt tired. Tired of fighting with herself, and tired of running through her own mind. All the negative thoughts that weighed her down only appeared to get heavier and heavier with time. She didn't like the idea of losing who she was, but could not deny who she would become. As much as she hated it, it was a part of growing up. She wanted to love and be loved, but she still wanted to be the bad ass that she was. And she was not sure if that was at all possible. Were the women she looked up to like this? Did they have a soft and tender side that drove them nuts as well? She was starting to think it was time to talk with someone about her problems and about Cory. Keeping it to herself was doing her no good and just making her stress out more. She knew there was only one person she could go to.

Lynn walked down the hall and stood in front of Lori's door. For a moment she hesitated, not knowing for sure if she wanted to bring any of her family in to her little tornado of low self-esteem and world crushing doubt. Though she knew that in the end her family would be the only ones that could probably help her. She sighed and knocked, waiting for the door to whip open with her older sister glaring at whoever dared to disturb her. Instead, when the door calmly opened, she was met with a tired woman who may or may not have actually been her sister. Lori's hair was a mess, her eyes were bloodshot, and she was without make up. She looked nothing like the older sister she was used to seeing around the house yelling at the younger kids. Just a few weeks ago when she took them all to the mall she looked fine. Maybe a bit tired, but nothing like how she looked at the moment.

"Uhh ... are you ok Lori?" Lynn asked.

"Yeah." She sighed. "Just tired. I have been staring at the frickin computer for close to three hours working on some stuff for school."

"Oh, well I'm sorry I bothered you. I'll just go." Lynn started to turn back towards her room before she felt her sisters hand on her shoulder.

"I really need a break, and if you need something then this would be the perfect excuse to get the hell away from the computer before I literally chuck it out into the street." Lori told her.

"Are you sure? I don't wanna trouble you with my stupid problems." Lynn said.

"So you have a problem? Well then now I have to put everything aside. Sister duty calls." Lori said with a smile. "Come on, lets go downstairs and split a smoothie."

Lynn sat at the table in the dinning room, nervously tapping her fingers on the table cloth while Lori was in the kitchen pulling out the remains of a strawberry and banana smoothie Leni had made that morning for breakfast. There was not a lot left, but Lori poured the remnants into two small glasses and took them out into the dinning room. She placed one in front of Lynn, then set hers down and pulled out the chair next to her sister, sitting down and taking a small sip of the frothy pink liquid.

"So tell me about this guy." Lori said, after smacking her lips at the tasty drink.

Lynn, luckily, had not taken a sip of her smoothie, otherwise it would have ended up on the floor and dripping down walls of the dinning room. She looked to her sister a perplexed as to how she knew she was having guy troubles. Lynn knew she had kept her growing feelings towards Cory a carefully guarded secret around her family. And she did not remember telling anyone anything else about the boy that occupied her mind.

"How?" Lynn said, her mind drawing a blank.

"What else would you come to me for?" Lori said. "I'm not on the top of the list for homework help or advice on any of the other things you guys are all into. I have two things that I can really help with. Becoming a woman, and boys."

Lynn nodded as that all actually made sense. Lori was not the top choice to go to for advice on a lot of things, not because she was dumb or unwilling to help, there were just so many people in that house who you could turn to and most of them had become experts in helping their family in certain departments. Then of course you had Lincoln, who seemed to know a little about how to help out each one of his sisters. Though Lynn often wondered if any of the sisters would be able to perform the task for their brother. If he needed help with something, or was struggling, would they see it? Could they help? Lynn pushed the thought out of her mind as she only had time for one problem at a time.

"Remember that guy I beat in the karate tournament?" Lynn asked.

"Yeah." Lori said. "He was pretty cute. When he wasn't trying to punch you in the face."

"Yeah, well I think he may like me." She said.

"Oh? And how do you feel?" Lori asked.

"Let's just say there are two players in this game." Lynn said.

"I see."

Lynn knew that Lori was holding in the Loud sister urge to jump up and celebrate when one of the other siblings got a crush. It started with Lori, all the girls gushing and making cute 'awwws' and kissing noises. They did it with Lincoln when Ronnie Anne would pick on him, and again with Kat, when she bought him the comic book. They also did it when Luna finally spilled her secret about Sam. It had become a tradition, one that was a lot more fun when you weren't on the receiving end. Lynn assumed Lori was going to wait to do it with the rest of girls, more than likely on Saturday when Cory came over, or right after he left.

"So what's the issue?" Lori asked.

"Well ..." Lynn was not sure if she wanted to let all the crap that had filled her mind out for her sister to see. She felt stupid that she was feeling the way she did, like it was something to be ashamed of. Though she knew she was going to have to talk about it with someone, get those feelings out. "I ... I don't really know where to start."

"You said you think you like this guy. So what is the problem?"

"Me." Lynn said.

Lori looked at her sister, one eyebrow cocked as she tried to figure out what she meant. The sad expression on Lynn's face and the drooping posture made her see that Lynn was not having guy troubles, she was having trouble with herself. Lori knew the feeling well, the over whelming feeling of self-doubt that could come over you like a tidal wave trying to drag you into the abyss. She did not like the idea of one of her siblings going through something like that.

"How are you a problem?" Lori asked.

"Because I'm not pretty or blonde." She said. "I look like a damn boy. And I am no good at playing little miss dumb and flirty like the other girls at school."

Lori felt a tug on her heart as her sisters words set in. She was the oldest and it was her responsibility to make sure they never looked at themselves as anything other than strong and beautiful women. She felt like she may have let Lynn down, not spending enough time with her and not seeing the signs earlier.

"I don't have anything a guy would want." Lynn looked down at the glass which held her drink. She let her bangs fall and cover her eyes as she blinked back tears.

Lori looked at her sister, putting a hand on her shoulder and brushing the hair from her eyes. "Bullshit." she said. "You have more to offer most guys than any of the tramps you go to school with."

Lynn was surprised by her sisters reaction. She did not often hear Lori use swear words. She would usually replace a bad word with something childish, like saying shoot instead of shit. Of course that was because the younger kids were almost always around, and they had to try to protect their innocence. Though after the incident with Lily, Lynn was pretty sure the younger kids had pretty good "potty mouths" as well.

"All of those girls are fake as hell." Lori said. "Your real, your raw, and your you. You don't make apologies for who you are, you always embrace it. So why let all the bullshit hold you down all of a sudden?

Lynn did not know what to say. Lori was right of course, but she still could not help but feel like she was not pretty enough. She still worried that Cory would not be interested in her, or that he would think she was just too much like one of the boys for him to see her as what was inside. She was worried that this would end up like Francisco all over again, and it was too soon to put herself through that kind of hurt again. And of course, she still worried about losing herself to this new person she was starting to become.

"I can't help that I feel like I'm just not pretty enough." Lynn said. "And that makes me worry about how I'm changing. I never used to care about that stuff, at least not as much as I do know."

"Lynn, every woman feels like they are not pretty enough sometimes." Lori told her. "Between TV and magazines, society has set up these impossible standards for beauty. You grow up thinking that all of those girls on TV or in those magazines wake up looking like that. I used to worry I was not pretty enough, that Bobby would end up with someone better looking."

"What did you do? How did you get over it?" Lynn said.

"Who said I did." Lori chuckled. "Those feelings never really go away. In the end you just kind of learn how to deal with them. I know Bobby loves me, and I trust him. But if he did find someone he liked more, then I would just have to remind myself that he just wasn't the right one for me. That I would find someone who thinks I am the most beauty girl in the world no matter what."

"What about the other thing?" Lynn asked.

"Everybody changes Lynn." Lori told her.

"But I'm worried that I'm gonna become ..." Lynn hesitated, almost telling her sister that she feared becoming like her or Leni.

"What like me?" Lori said. "Lynn I was obsessed with boys when I was Lincoln's age. The only thing I kind of grew out of was video games. And even then I still play from time to time."

"Yeah but acting like this, thinking like this seems so ... I don't know girly." Lynn said. "I feel like I'm not me."

"You're always going to be you." Lori told her. "You will grow and experience new feelings, but its not taking anything away from you. It's just more crap piled on to the crap you all ready got. You spent most of you life so far immersed in a world of sports and competitions. Now you're seeing there is more out there, like boys and girly feelings. There is probably a lot more stuff you are going to discover and get into."

"Why does all this new stuff make me feel so bad and confused?" Lynn asked, hoping her sister could help her settle the brewing storm in her head.

"I'm just guessing, but I would assume it's because you're experiencing a lot of different things at once." Lori said. "It seems like you're having some trouble with your self-esteem and how you look. I know that used to play hell on my mind as well. Those thoughts can turn little things into a whole shit storm of negative thoughts."

Lori words started to comfort Lynn a bit, making sense and making her see herself in a different light. All those negative feelings in her did feel like they were slowly taking hold of her. Making little things become a much bigger problem. Why did she really care if she acted girly from time to time? She was a girl after all. Hell she knew guys as school that acted girly from time to time, and they seemed like they didn't care, like it didn't make them less of a person. And it didn't. She did not judge them for being who they were, so why should she care if someone judged her for being a tough chick who sometimes squealed with delight or got a little love sick. That was just who she was.

"Thanks Lori." Lynn said, leaning over and hugging her sister.

"Anytime sis."

I hope you all enjoyed that. If I did it right, then you should have cried a little and hopefully hated Francisco. I have to admit that if Mike would not have been nice enough to let me use Cory, I still don't think I would have put Lynn and Francisco together. I liked the idea of having a lot of the Louds not ending up with their crushes from L is for Love.

Well that's it for this one. See again on Friday.

Peace