(A/N: Sorry I couldn't put this up sooner. My internet went down because of Hurricane Irene. )
Kurt playfully pushes his coffee back and forth between his hands. He definitely was not excepting the call from Rachel to meet him there, but something in her voice; something in the way that she sounded told him that it was an emergency.
His head snaps up and he smiles when he hears the little jingle of the coffee shop door. But when he actually sees Rachel, his smile quickly turns into a frown. The first thing he notices is that she's not wearing a skirt with those ridiculous knee high socks. Her hair isn't curled, (or even brushed for that matter) it pretty much just falls down her back. The hoodie she was wearing was three times her size, and she looked to be even smaller then he remembered. She trudges over to him, as if the five second walk from the door to the table was such a long distance. Plus, the small wince noise she made when she sat down didn't go unnoticed.
"Well if it isn't Barbara Streisand." Kurt jokes with a small smile. He waits for her to return the gesture, to giggle, but she only looks at her hands. "I ordered you a coffee. But I made sure it wasn't too hot, so that it wouldn't damage your vocal chords."
And for the first time, she swings her gaze up and meets his eyes. Kurt can easily see the hurt, the pain, the complete and utter misery in them as he swallows the thick lump in his throat. "Thanks." She murmurs, taking a sip of the coffee.
"So, what's new?" He asks, toying with the navy scarf wrapped fashionably around his neck. She bites her lip and looks away.
"Uhm, we'll get to me later. What's Dalton like? How're you and Blaine?" She asks softy. Had he not been right across from her, he probably wouldn't have heard what she asked.
"We're fabulous, thank you. He's so sweet. You know he actually got me lady gaga tickets for my birthday?" He gushes with a smile. Rachel nods. "And Dalton is just as amazing. All though I must say, I do miss McKinley."
"I'm glad things are working out for you." She says with a forced smile. Kurt's smile drops and he leans a little over the table.
"So, what'd you want to talk about? Assuming that you called me at 7:45 on a Thursday night, this isn't your regular 'catch up'."
Rachel takes a deep breath and looks around the small coffee shop, trying to distract herself. "I actually wanted to ask you something." He gives a small nod and reaches for his coffee. "When you were in McKinley…how did you deal with all of the bullying? Like, how did you ignore it?" She whispers.
This was not at all what he expected. He thought she was going to ask something about Glee, or what solo to sing. He hesitantly swallows the mouthful of coffee he has before raising an eyebrow.
"Bullying? You've never had a problem with it before." He exclaims. She sighs.
"Yeah, well let's just say my first attempt didn't work out too well."
"Well, what was your first attempt?"
She didn't want to lie to him. She just didn't. There was something in his eyes, something in his smile that made her want to trust him. Kurt's head was slightly cocked to the side, his green/blue eyes swimming with concern. This was it. It was now or never. Rachel looks down at her lap and closes her eyes.
"I…I tried to kill myself." She mutters, trying to keep her voice as low as possible.
Kurt's eyes went as wide as saucers. His breath hitched in his throat. His heart stopped.
"What?" He hisses, leaning over the table so far that Rachel thought his coffee was going to spill over. She winces and looks up at him, trying desperately not to cause a scene.
"I'm so sorry." She whispers, and Kurt's heart nearly breaks when he sees the single tear running down her cheek.
….
"What the hell do you mean she's not here?" Puck spits, looking at Brittany with angry eyes. She shrugs nonchalantly.
"You texted her saying she could walk home. So I let her walk home."
Puck takes a deep breath and nods, trying desperately not to freak out. He gives a small nod and walks out of the house, ignoring the blonde's offer for a hug goodbye. The second he gets into his car, he snatches his phone out of his jacket and dials Rachel's number.
It goes straight to voicemail.
"God Damnit, Rachel!" He yells, hitting his steering wheel before driving off.
…..
"Okay, details, now." Kurt demands. He had forced her to move to his side of the booth after she made her confession so that they were sitting side by side. Rachel sighs.
"It's just…I walk through the halls everyday trying so hard to ignore the rude comments, the horribly inappropriate slurs, the hateful remarks….but I can't act like they're nothing. When you left, it was like everyone decided that I was a much easier target. Did you know that Karofsky gave me a black eye the other day? And nobody even noticed. Nobody ever seemed to notice when I was hurt, or when I'm dying inside. So I just…gave up. I wrote a letter to the Glee club, and I made a little note for everyone. Even you." She whispers. She looks down and notices that Kurt had intertwined their hands some point in her little 'speech'.
"What'd mine say?" He asks. Rachel smiles softly.
"To Kurt: I'm sorry I embarrassed you with my horrid fashion. You're an amazing person, Kurt. You and Blaine are adorable together. Ignore Karofsky, because you'll be big someday Hummel." She recites. Rachel looks up to see a small tear running down his face.
"Thank you." He whispers. She nods.
"So, I wrote my suicide note and left it in the choir room. Puck apparently found it after trying to retrieve his forgotten sweater, and he found me…in my house…lying on my floor, with my wrists slit." Kurt swallows the lump in his throat and Rachel desperately tries to keep in her sobs. Kurt gently wipes away a few of her tears.
"Hey, go in the bathroom and get cleaned up. I'm going to take you to my house and you can finish the rest of the story there, okay?" He says softly.
"But...Finn?"
"He's out with Quinn. It'll be just us, I promise."
She nods and he watches as she takes small, slow steps to the restroom. He tries to push his own tears back before a noise erupts his thoughts. He picks up Rachel's phone and raises an eyebrow at the caller I.D before pressing the answer button.
"Oh my fucking god, where the hell are you? I've been looking all over for you and you wouldn't answer your god damn phone. I'm so fucking pissed at you. Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
"Puck, calm down. It's Kurt."
"Kurt? Why do you have Rachel's phone?" Puck pauses and groans. "She didn't…"
"She did." Kurt confirms. "She called me, asking me to meet her at the Lima Bean. So I did, and she told me everything. I'm taking her to my house. Pick her up in, say, two hours?" He asks, although both Puck and Kurt know it's not a question.
"Whatever man. Just make sure she doesn't do anything stupid." Puck warns.
"Will do." Kurt says with a smile before hanging up. He looks up to see Rachel standing there. "C'mon." He murmurs, taking her hand and grabbing her backpack before walking out of the coffee shop. He leads her to his car and immediately turns on the heat. "God, you're freezing. Did you walk here?" He asks.
"Yeah. I was at Brittany's house and I lied to her, saying Puck texted me that I could walk home. But I called you instead." She explains. He nods.
"Alright, well can you tell the rest of the story?"
Rachel takes a deep breath and looked out of the window. "He found me in my bathroom with my wrists slit. I tried to kill myself, but I just couldn't. And I can't figure out why I didn't because it's all I think about anymore. Anyway, he found me and we, er, had a bit of an argument. He said he wouldn't tell anybody because I would be sent an institution, but he's not letting me out of his sight. I'm staying at his house until I get 'better'." She exclaims, using her fingers to make air quotations. Kurt turns off the engine when they pull up into his driveway and leads her into the house before taking her hand.
"Rachel…why on earth didn't you tell me about this earlier?" He asks, his brow furrowing in confusion.
"Because I'm scared." Rachel whimpers, blinking back tears. Kurt stares at her for a moment.
"But you're not alone."
Those words mean more to her than he can possibly imagine.
He watches her walls crumple down and pulls her into a hug, not even bothering to care that her tears were staining his favorite Alexander McQueen jacket. Kurt winces when he hears Rachel's sobs intensify, but he just squeezes the girl even tighter to him.
Then, out of no-where, she just flings herself out of his embrace and starts ranting while Kurt sat there and listened to it all.
"I don't understand what's so wrong about me that they feel the need to pick on me every single day! What is it about me? Because I try, I try so fucking hard to just go by unnoticed! Did you know I haven't actually sung in four months? I've just been passing the solos on to Mercedes and Santana…and I try to just blend in with everybody else but it seems to be Santana and Quinn's life mission to make my life a living hell. And I just don't understand! Glee club is a fucking joke, you know? They tell you to be yourself and then they judge you. What's so bad about me?" She buries her head in her hands and cries. Kurt sits there unmoving for a second, eyes wide and mouth open in shock for many reasons. One, did Rachel just say that she hadn't sung in four months? Two, Rachel Berry just cursed…which was so unlike her. Three, he realized how right she was about Glee club. It really was a joke.
"Hey, hey. Stop that." Kurt says, taking her hands away from her face and forcing her to look at him. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. You can't go around and blame this stuff on yourself, Rach. I know you think that there's nobody who cares about you're wrong. I know how it feels, God help me, I do. I've been that kid that sits by their locker and prays that somebody will actually notice bruise on my face and help me. I've been the one that has to dissect their frog alone because nobody wants to be my lab partner. I've been that kid that feels like there's not a single person in this world who loves me. But you know what? I was wrong. And so are you. Rachel, just because Santana and Quinn and Karofsky get their kicks and giggles out of harassing you does not mean that you are worthless, or stupid, or anything they tell you. Puck cares about you. Brittany cares about you. Rachel, I care about you." He whispers, intertwining her hand with his. She looks at him and swallows.
"Why did it take death for them to finally notice, then? Why couldn't anybody see that I was hurting? Because it really isn't a secret, Karofsky hits me in front of everyone and nobody, not even the teachers notice." She explains. Kurt feels anger bubbling up inside of himself. He's angry at the school for not noticing. He's angry at the Glee club for doing this to her. But he's also angry at himself for not noticing any of this himself.
"You know…before I transferred to Dalton, I got picked on too. That wasn't a secret. But nobody in Glee club really made a move to help me. Not even Finn and he's my brother!" Kurt exclaims, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "But one person told me something that made me realize that even though my life was shitty, I wasn't alone. You know who that person was?" He asks, before pressing a finger to her nose and smiling. "It was you."
"And then I moved, and I met Blaine. And he showed me that I could actually be loved. He loves me because of who I am, not in spite of who I am. Rachel I know it's hard, but one day you're gonna meet somebody who is going to make you feel beautiful, and perfect, and he's going to love you with everything he's got. But you can't give up. I didn't give up, and I'm sure as hell not letting you give up either."
She pulls her hand away and tugs the sleeve of her hoodie up, ignoring the questioning look from her fellow diva before traces the cuts on her arms with a painted fingernail.
"Have you ever cried? Just sat there and cried…cried because you're ugly. Cried because you're worthless. Cried because you really just want to be noticed….but you want to blend in at the same time?" Rachel shows him his arm and he takes it gently, staring at the two deep cuts in the center of her wrists. He was wide eyed.
"These look new." He whispers, staring at new slices towards the top of her wrists. She nods.
"I did them today. During Glee club…Mr. Schue got mad because I wasn't contributing so he kicked me out….I went to the bathroom and did this."
"W-why?"
"I want to feel something, I guess." She murmurs, looking at the floor. Kurt looks at her intently.
"Did you? Feel anything, I mean?"
Rachel looks up at him and he almost grimaces, seeing the fury in her eyes.
"No."
Kurt nods and looks back down at her arm. "You said Puck was helping you?"
"Well…yeah. I mean he's not really letting me out of his sight, or he won't now that I pissed him off. But he tries to get me to 'talk about it', whatever 'it' is. I guess he's helped a little bit. He just doesn't want to tell anyone because he thinks they'll put me away if he does."
He raises an eyebrow. "I think they would, you're pretty bad. No offense or anything. I'm just worried; I don't want you to hurt yourself. And these don't look so good, Rach." He murmurs, tracing the cuts and looking up when he hears her wince. "Let me take care of these for you."
Kurt gets up and goes to his bathroom, finding his first aid kit and bringing out so that he can clean and bandage her cuts. After he does that, they just side by side on his couch.
"So…you really haven't sung in four months?" He asks. She nods.
"I just stopped, everyone in Glee club complained I sang too much, and I guess I didn't find it appealing anymore." Kurt glares at his hands, wondering how the Glee club could've been so rude to you.
"But…Rachel Berry without singing is like…Fanny Brice without Nick Arnsteen!" He argues, earning a small smile from Rachel.
"I don't know if you noticed, but Fanny and Nick broke up at the end." She points out, leaning her head against his shoulder. Kurt chuckles.
"You'll sing again, Rach. I know you will."
When she falls asleep, he gets up and rummages through her backpack, trying to find a certain object. He finally finds it and holds it up.
A razor.
He cocked his head to the side and hissed it easily cut his finger. "Damn, this is sharp." He murmurs before putting it in his pocket.
Kurt sits there for a while, stealing a glance from Rachel every few minutes, just wondering. Wondering how Rachel got so damaged, wondering how Glee club got so mean, wondering how Karofsky got away with what he did. He's in the middle of a deep thought when he hears a knock at the door. He goes over and opens the door.
"Puck." He greets, opening the door to let the mohawked teenager through. Puck stares at him for a second.
"Where is she?"
"Asleep on the couch, listen we need to talk for a minute." Kurt explains, guiding him to the living room. Puck takes a seat next to Rachel's sleeping form while Kurt settles for the opposing couch. "Okay, so I understand that you want to help her, trust me, I do too. But do you really think you're capable of turning her into the old Rachel Berry? Because she's pretty far gone…" Kurt murmurs, shooting a sympathetic glance at the sleeping girl.
"Look, I know I'm not the, like, most helping guy out there, but with Rachel, I feel different. I just want to hold her, and like…protect her from stuff…" Kurt nods and raises an eyebrow, holding an amused expression.
"Okay, sounds like you love her." He explains, chuckling a bit. Puck's eyes widen and he shakes his head.
"What? No, no I don't love her. I care about her. As a friend. We're just friends." Puck says, but Kurt can't help but pick up a feeling of disappointment in his voice.
"Hmm…whatever you say." Kurt teases with a smile, but instantly becomes serious. He stands up and rummages through his pocket, digging out the razor and handing it the Puck. "I found this in her backpack. She did it during Glee club apparently? The cuts are really bad, but I cleaned them." He explains. Puck stares at him for a moment, shocked before turning to Rachel and lifting her hoodie sleeve, revealing gauze covered wrist. He groans.
"God Damnit, Rachel."
"I know you care about her Puck. But be rational. Do you really you can get her back?" The pale boy asks, playing with his hands. Puck scowls.
"You make it sound like a punishment, Hummel. I want to do this for her. You can't go telling anybody this, got it?" Puck threatens.
"I'm not going to tell anybody, Puck. I just want to be sure. But if you really want to do it then we need to get something straight. I need to see her. I don't care how we do it, like weekly, or whatever. But I need to see her and see that she's doing better. And you need to promise me that if this doesn't work, we'll get her help."
Puck considers this for a moment, but when he sees the look on Kurt's face, he realizes that it wasn't a discussion to begin with, and any argument he had, he would've lost.
"Okay."
Puck stands up, scooping Rachel up in the process and walks over to the door.
"Kurt?"
"Yeah?"
"I...uhm….Thank you."
Kurt smiles. "Just take care of her, okay?"
"No, I'm gonna throw her out to a pack of wild wolves. Of course I'm gonna take care of her." Puck teases. Kurt rolls his eyes and lets them out, waving to Puck before shutting the door and letting out a breath he didn't realize he was holding.
Then, he walks into the living room and turns on "Funny Girl", falling asleep with a smile on his face. Rachel was going to be okay.
He was sure of it.