The sight made her heart ache; I can't have what I want. Can I?…
"What are we doing?"
"We're waiting for Jo."
"Yeah. Thanks for the info Dean. I meant why are we waiting in the car?"
"Because that's where I told her I'd wait." Dean said plainly.
"You're not even going in to get her?" Dean was silent, so Sam continued, "Man; you're really sticking to that friends thing, aren't you?"
"I swear to god Sam, if you don't shut your mouth, I'll…"
That's when they both noticed her. She looked better than she had done the last time either of them saw her. She'd done her hair, and she was in her own clothes. She looked great, but all Dean could think was how glad he was that her mom had been here to pick Jo's things up the day before, otherwise he might have had to go to her apartment and fetch her some stuff. The last thing Dean needed right now was a legitimate reason to raid Jo's underwear draw.
Dean jumped out of the car, followed by Sam and as Dean rushed over to Jo he got into the driver's seat. It has been the first time in months that Sam had actually been allowed to drive the car, but he knew it was a one off. Dean just wanted to be in the back with Ashley.
Jo handed their daughter over to Dean, who smiled thankfully and then uncomfortably. Jo got in the front seat next to Sam and Dean got in the back with the baby. He strapped her in securely and then fussed over her the whole way back. Jo looked in the mirror, but the sight made her heart ache too much, so she opened the window and leaned her face to the breeze for a few minutes. Sam however kept on looking at his brother and smiling, when Dean got out of the car later he'd threaten Sam. 'Never tell anyone how I acted back there.' he'd say and Sam would promise teasingly.
The next week or so seemed to drag a bit for everyone except Sam, who was becoming more panicked behind closed doors.
Dean and Jo were glad of the drag, and the time it afforded Dean with his little girl. He was a good dad; well as good as he could be with a baby. He did his best. He got up in the night with her most of the time, desperate not to miss anything of her, and sometimes he was even glad when it took him and Jo a long time to get her off to sleep, but he was still human, and some nights he wanted her to go to sleep. Of course those were the nights that she wouldn't…
Dean and Jo collapsed back on the bed with a huff. Ashley was finally asleep, and later they'd try to remember how they'd managed it, but right now they didn't care how, just were glad they had.
Dean had fallen with his arms slung over his head and the toy in his right hand rolled free and hit the floor. He felt Jo shift so he turned his head. She was on her side now, hand on the pillow in front of her face looking up at him.
"What?" he said.
She couldn't say what she wanted to – that they made a good team – because it would be too hard for both of them to hear.
They continued to stare at each other for a while and then as her eyes darted between his eyes his jaw clenched.
"I'm gonna go for a drive." he said getting up. She got up at the same speed, but then stayed sat on the bed and looked at him.
"Dean?" she said.
He could find in her voice an annoyance, but he had to leave; just the sight of her laid next to him had made him feel…god he didn't know, he just needed to drive that feeling off. He didn't answer her; just walked out, widening his eyes a little when he was free of her and having to pause before running to get his jacket. He was putting it on near the door when he heard her come down the stairs and eventually run up behind him.
"Dean. Wait." she called, but he was leaving no matter what.
"I'll be back later." he said shrugging his jacket so it was more comfortable, or he was more comfortable – like that was going to happen anytime soon –
She followed him into the yard. The daylight had gone sometime during their effort to get Ashley to sleep and the air was cold against Jo's shoulders.
"Dean!" she shouted again, this time more persistent and agitated.
Dean was at the car by now, but turned around after opening the door. He looked at her stubbornly and she didn't say anything until she got right in front of him.
"So what the hell was that?"
"What?" he said staring her out.
"Why did you make an excuse to leave?…Did you think I was gonna make a move on you or something?"
Dean shook his head out of disbelief – not in anyway answering her question, more avoiding it; brushing it off – and got into the Impala.
"Because I was." she said leaning in, startling him with her truthful admission.
Suddenly and aggressively Dean got out of the drivers seat and slammed the door closed, making Jo jump.
"We can't play this game Jo!" he said desperately.
"I'm falling for you Dean. This isn't a game to me. I think I love…"
"Don't say it Jo." he begged, turning his face away from her briefly, "Please don't say it."
"Dean." she said walking forwards and laying a hand on his cheek. It forced him to look back at her again, but even though it felt nice he shook it off, flinching at her touch. Jo backed away again, but continued with the same tone – a mixture of caring and frankness – "I love you…and I don't need you to say it back. Even if you ever felt the same, I won't make you say it." 'Because I can't hear it, as much as you couldn't say it.' she thought.
Dean looked at her and laughed unbelievingly.
"I'm not playing a game Dean. This isn't just physical for me like it used to be. I can't believe you think this is funny!"
"The only funny thing about this is that…" he paused then turned his back on her; he couldn't say it to her face, "if I wasn't dying I wouldn't even have fallen for you in the first place. I wouldn't have this, us…and Ashley? Even if I had ever gotten you pregnant, I would have asked you to get rid of her."
"And I would have." Jo said stepping forward and gripping the sleeve of his leather jacket before finally squeezing his arm, "If you'd asked me to." she continued.
"I would have." he said heartbroken, even though Dean Winchester didn't do heartbreak. Well, not his own, which was his next point. "I'm not a good guy Jo. I'm not the guy for you or Ashley; even if I was gonna be around. I'm only acting this was because I'm running out of time."
"So, what are you saying Dean? That its better that you're dying?"
"Even if I had more time, I'd waste it."
"No you wouldn't, Dean."
"I know me, Jo." he said dropping his head to his chest, "I would. I wouldn't be a decent father; I wouldn't be faithful to you, or be there for either of you the way I should. I'd be hunting and driving and drinking and sleeping around!"
"This isn't working." she said, her attempts to turn him back around to face her finally successful.
"What isn't?"
"You, trying to convince me that it's better this way."
"I'm just telling you the truth!"
"What do I tell Ashley? When she asks about her dad? 'Oh, sorry honey; you're dad didn't wanna try and stick around, because he thought if he got his life back he wouldn't want us anymore anyway?'"
"That's not fair." he said angrily.
"None of this is fair!" she yelled.
"Yeah, but don't use Ashley against me. This is about what you want, not her!"
"Maybe this is about what I want, but when Ashley gets older she's not going to have a father, but she'll need one. That's a fact. Its not okay that you're dying, because there's not just you to think of anymore."
"Jesus Christ! I didn't even want a family!" he screamed, walking away from her with no particular direction, "Now its all I can think about. Not having you both one day."
Jo went to stand in front of him again and grabbed both of his arms and tried to shake him. "Forget about what you wanted…Forget about what you're scared will happen…Now, Dean. What do you want now? That's what's important."
"I can't have what I want now. Can I, Jo?" he said sincerely, "We have to think about what will happen when I'm not here. We can't live moment to moment, never thinking about what's gonna happen tomorrow."
"Let's pretend we can." she said locking eyes with him.
He pushed her against the outside wall of the house.
"I love you." she said as he kissed her neck…
"Say it."
He stopped and it was a while before he brought his head up to look at her.
She cupped his face, "I know I said I wouldn't make you, but please Dean. If you do."
"I love you." he said, really looking at her.
She blinked her eyes shut slowly and he rested his forehead on hers. Then they kissed, endlessly, painfully. Her arms wrapped around his neck, hugging him close and a tear rolled down her cheek and onto her arm.
AN:- So like I said this was originally longer, but when I was editing it I really wanted to end it here, because I thought it was a nicer ending to the Chapter, so the rest of Chapter 10 is now a Chapter on its own (the next one Chapter 11) and it works better on its own I think because its a less angsty Chapter (but only a bit less lol) that should be up in a day or 2...