By eleven that night, with a beer in my hand I thought over and over again about everything. Nina was in pain for the past year because of my decision to divorce.
Sure, Nina did sign the papers but she had asked me to stay multiple times, to try and make it work again. But I was sure that it was it for me. Now, seeing my son's pain I can't believe that I'm beginning to question my decision.
If I stayed and tried again, could we have worked? I was happily moving on not thinking about Nina and as much as I want to proudly say that my kids were my priority during this divorce, has it been really?
I was too busy rebuilding my life that perhaps, I couldn't see the hurt I've caused my children. I was so confused. I found myself reaching for my phone and upon unlocking, it was the message I was typing to Buffy halfway.
Buffy…my beautiful blonde goddess...she has made me happier in this past year than I had been…ever. But while I was off being happy with her, were my kids silently suffering? What kind of a father does that make me?
As I was deep in my thoughts, my phone suddenly rang. It was Buffy. It wasn't unlike us to make calls to each other this late. With kids to take care of and work, it is usually during this time we had time to ourselves. I shook my head off the heavy thoughts and answered her call.
"Hey beautiful", I said in the most cheerful tone I could muster, hoping to mask the uncertain, confused mood I was in.
"Hi honey", her voice eased me in the most incredible way.
"Sorry I didn't reply your text. I meant to but Albert was here for the fitting and then the kids got into a fight. It was a little crazy".
"Sounds brutal. Everything is okay now?"
"Yeah, the kids are asleep now and I finally have time to myself. How was your day?"
"It was good. I met Willow for lunch earlier then I met Mom for dinner. She made steaks and spaghetti."
"Your favourite."
"Yeah."
There was a beat of silence and I said, "I miss you".
"I miss you".
"I wish you were here with me".
"Angel, there is something bothering you".
She wasn't asking me. She was telling me and I frowned. This is a little disturbing. How could she know? She couldn't possibly know…did my tone give it away?
"Nope, I'm good".
"Angel…"
"Really, there's nothing wrong".
"Please don't lie to me Angel."
I sighed and told her the state of confusion I'm in. Telling her what Liam said to me and also what Albert shared. She didn't say anything and diligently listened to everything I said. After about 30 minutes of talking, I let a frustrated sigh and said,
"I'm so confused. A part of me is so happy beyond words and the other part is guilty for being so happy."
"So…what do you want to do?"
"I really don't know."
"Angel, your kids mean the world to you and after what Liam said, I would be worried too. You're wondering if you gave it another go…if you tried harder, maybe…" she stopped. I could hear her struggle with words, "…it could have worked".
My heart ached hearing the sadness in her voice.
"But…I'm so very happy with you. With us. I'm so sure of what we have. I just…I don't know what to do".
I love every moment I am with Buffy but I hated this feeling I have. It was probably one of the longest silence we had and I knew she was thinking, carefully choosing her next words.
"I think…that…perhaps…you should give your marriage another chance."
"What?! I just told you our relationship is the one thing that I'm sure of and.."
"Angel.."
"…you make me happy…"
"Listen…"
"…and I am…I've never been so happy, Buffy."
"Angel please…"
"I'm just confused right now…and..."
"Listen…"
"…it doesn't mean that…"
"Listen to me…"
And I did, but I knew whatever she was going to say, was going to break my heart.
"What I feel for you, it's indescribable…and I tried to fight it, I tried to stay away but when you came to me that night, asking that I gave us a chance, I never expected that you'll be so important to me…" her voice cracked a little, holding back her tears.
"Buffy, please…"
"But Angel…how can we be together if the cost is our kids? Their happiness?"
"No, Buffy…"
"Go back to Nina and work things out with her….You owe your kids that."
"No…I want you…I'm happy with you!" tears are already forming in my eyes.
I did not expect our conversation to steer this way. It's the last thing I wanted.
"Nothing is worth our kids' happiness…nothing…"
"Please…I can't…how am I supposed to stay away from you?...I can't…I won't…"
"You will…because you're such an amazing father. I know eventually you'll make the same choice. I'm just saying it first".
For a few moments, we just hear each other crying and I can't take it. I have to see her.
"I'm coming over".
"No, don't…there's nothing else left to say…you told me before that if all I ever wanted was friendship after everything, you'll respect that. I want that Angel…"
"Buffy, please…don't do this…I don't want us to be over…"
"Then…why does it feel like it is?" she is sobbing now and I want nothing more than to be with her and hug her.
"Goodbye, Angel".
"No Buffy! Don't!" and all I heard was the dead tone.
This cannot be; I cannot lose her. Not when I'm so deeply in love with her. I need her. I tried calling her back but after the fifth time, her phone went straight to voicemail but I still kept calling.
Like a mad man, I just kept pressing the redial button until I realised, she was never going to answer my call. That night, I cried myself to sleep.
I woke up the next morning on the couch with my back and neck aching. I went up to check on my kids who were still soundly asleep.
I went to Liam's room before entering Kathy's. I walked to her and in her small arms was Mr. Bubbles. I sighed with regret when I realised the last thing she remembered before sleeping last night was that I was mad at her.
I bent down and gently kissed her cheeks before stroking her hair. On my way out, I shook my head and picked up a few toys on the floor and placed them in the box where her other toys lived and when I placed the last toy inside, I noticed a drawing.
It was the typical drawing of a family where there was a mom, dad, Kathy and instead of Liam, it says 'Poophead'. I smiled at that and below the drawing, it says 'I love my family' and in that instant, I felt it.
What Buffy had tried to tell me last night. She was right. My kids' happiness means everything to me. I was too blinded in love to notice that my kids were hurting. The revelation hit me again and with great despair, I accepted it was over between me and Buffy. I retreated in the shower and uncontrollably, I cried for the love I have lost.
It was sort of a blessing I guess that while this was all happening, we were on a break for the show, waiting for filming for the third season to start in a few months. I cannot face Buffy now but hopefully, in a couple of months, I could.
I reached out to Nina and was surprised that she was as depressed as Liam and Albert painted her to be. I told her that I'm willing to try again but we'll take it slow. We'll start from scratch and she agreed.
In the month that passed, things were good or rather as good as I thought it could be. Nina and I have been to a few dates and little by little, I could see that she was becoming Nina again. I encouraged her to start acting and even got my agent to secure her a few auditions.
My kids were happy that I was around more and seeing them smile and laugh was all that I ever wanted. Tonight was the end of another date and I was walking her back to the home we once shared.
"Thank you for tonight. It was nice", she said as we reached the door.
"It was…" I agreed, looking up to the windows of Liam and Kathy's room. It was dark.
"Seems like the kids are asleep", I said with disappointment.
"Yeah, it is past their bedtime."
"I was hoping to tuck them in."
"Why don't you come by for dinner tomorrow and you can tuck them in…and maybe after…"
She took a step closer to me and instinctively, I wanted to step back but I kept my feet planted to the ground.
"…after that, you could perhaps, spend the night?" she raked her manicured nails over my chest and I wanted to flinch but I didn't.
"Um…yeah…dinner with the kids would be nice", trying to ignore my body wanting to get away.
"Great, so I'll make your favourite. My beef lasagne".
That wasn't my favourite. I commented one time that her beef lasagne was delicious many years ago and she took it to mean that it was my favourite food and made it every time we celebrated my birthday, every time I got an award, when I scored my own show, the kids' birthdays, almost any celebration, it was beef lasagne. I told her a few times that it wasn't my favourite but she still made it.
Even now if I told her, I know my dinner is beef lasagne tomorrow so I just said, "Great".
Suddenly, she was leaning up and I knew she was going for a kiss and I need to make a conscientious effort to making this work so I stayed still and let her kiss me. When her lips were on mine, my head was screaming 'NO!' and my heart was telling me to get the hell away from her but I just stayed still. When she pulled my neck down to deepen the kiss, I broke away; her face clearly asking me why.
"It's late and I'm a little tired", I lied.
She nodded, understanding.
"Kiss the kids goodnight for me and tell them I'll see them tomorrow. Good night" and I turned away to walk to my car.
Nina waited till I drove off before going into the house.
The next night, I went for dinner and tucked my kids to sleep but did not stay the night.
What the hell was wrong with me? It's like every time Nina touched me, I flinched. I was married to that woman for almost 13 years so surely, my body remembers her touch but why do I want to go far away from her each time she tries to come close to me.
Conscientious effort, Angel. Remember that. She is making a diligent effort and so should you. For your children; for their happiness. Yes.
But every night when I lay my head on my pillow, only one name came to mind. Buffy.
I know I am doing the right thing but god, I miss her. Many times, she appears in my dreams and we were happy...free; to laugh; to smile; to love; to make love and she was mine and I was hers.
But then morning comes and I come back to bitter reality.