Well, this psychotic little piece of crack and sadism is coming to an end. Not much further to go. Please enjoy this chapter and make sure you review!

81 – Get Over Here!

Edward encounters the yellow ninja from Mortal Kombat, Scorpion. Before he can do anything, Scorpion performs his special move. You know what I'm talking about dont you? (Title was a dead give-away.) Anyway, after being impaled on a dagger attached to a length of rope, Edward is dragged over to Scorpion who beats the living shit out of him. In fact he beats him so hard that Edwards' body explodes and his bones fly out all over the place in a fantastic shower of blood. For some reason extra arms and legs fall from the sky.

Afterwards, a deep booming voice growls, "Scorpion wins...Brutality!"

82 – Ice Ice Baby

Edward get's hired at a local supermarket. (Don't ask me why a celebrity would get a job at a supermarket okay, just read the damn thing!) After failing the checkout training and also failing the stock training Edward was sent to the butchers section where he was paid $10.50 an hour to cut up dead cows and put the remains in a tray and slap a price tag on it.

On his first day in the freezer room he was scolded by his supervisor for trying to sit on the table.

"Don't ever touch the table with bare skin. This place get's so cold it will burn your flesh right off!"

Edward winced from a vivid image coming to mind and he took the advice well...For a few days.

On his fifth day of work he forgot his gloves as he went into the freezer room. It was when he had slammed the door shut behind him and looked down at his blue palms that he realised his mistake. He ran to the door and tried to turn the handle, but being bare steel it was frozen and burned like acid.

Edward reeled away from the door and bumped into a table. He stuck a hand out to stop himself from rolling on top of it, but that only made his hand burn. He cried out in agony and tripped on his own feet to fall on the icy floor. He face planted and immediately propped himself up, though not before his nose and cheeks melted into the floor.

Edward clawed at his ruined face and fell backwards, bumping into a rack of cattle carcasses. One of them fell off of the rack and landed on top of him, pinning him to the floor. The icy surface burnt through his back and soon he lost his life due to a mixture of hypothernia and severe burns to his internal organs.

83 – Hooked

Continuing with the premise that Edward works in the butchers section of a supermarket, Edward became close friends with his co-workers. (Yeah I'm confused as to how as well...)

One day when all the work was done, someone decided to play a game of basketball in the freezer room. A hoop was set up on the wall and a basketball was stolen from the toy aisle. The game was going fine for a while. The only issues were the numerous OHS breeches, but otherwise, nothing bad.

That was, however, until edward tried to do a slam dunk...Gone horribly wrong...

Edward soared through the air towards the hoop, but he ended up going off course and headed towards a meathook on the same patch of wall. Edward let go of the ball and screamed in panic. It was too late to stop him, too late to save him...Edward landed face first on the meat hook, the sharp piece of curved steel burrowing up through his open mouth and protruding from his left eye. He spasmed awkwardly for way too long and soon enough the workers were forced to put him out of his misery by slitting his throat with a butcher knife.

By the way, today's special is Edward fillets.

84 – Wow...Just...Wow

Edward goes to a wax musuem and finds a wax sculpture of the Prince of Darkness, the one and only, Ozzy Ozbourne. Since he's a tool Edward had no idea who the man was, but was amazed nonetheless at the amazingly sculpted work of art sitting on a bench.

Edward sat down next to him and chuckled. "It's so life-like...It's almost as if-"

"RAAAAAGHH!" Ozzy sprang into life suddenly, giving Edward the fright of his life...Which was cut short very quickly when he had a stress induced heart-attack.

Ozzy had a quick laugh until he caught on that this was serious. To spare himself any trouble, he ran. He was stopped by several guards but after giving them a demo of "I wanna hear you scream" the guards were so impressed they forgot why they stopped him.

Edwards corpse was discovered soon after and he was propped up and stuffed. He is now on permanent display in the wax museum.

85 – Devil May Kick Ass

Edward was thirsty so he went into a rundown little pub and ordered himself a mojito (Is that spelled right?) As he sat down alone at the bar he noticed a man sitting alone in a corner booth, sipping at a strawberry sundae. Edward frowned and turned to the barman.

"When did you start selling sundaes? I want a sundae!"

The barman crossed his arms and sighed. "Look miss! I only make sundaes for that guy!"

"Why only him?" Edward whined.

"Because he orders it every time...And I sure as hell don't want to fuck with a guy like that!" As if on cue, the silver haired man rose from the table and left, leaving them with a fierce glare before setting off.

The barman leaned over the table and whispered. "You know he comes here drenched in blood sometimes..."

Edward gulped and hurriedly finished off his drink. His phone rang and he took it out. It was Bella's number. He pressed the answer button but the caller immediately hung up. He frowned and put his phone away.

The next day Edward was woken up by his phone ringing again. This time it was Jacob. Again, he answered the phone only for the caller to hang up. Edward cursed and turned his phone off.

This time he was hungry so he went to a pizza store down the road. Again, by chance he noticed the silver haired man sitting alone, this tme munching on a pizza. The sight of his striking red coat brought back bad memories of an encounter with a creepy man named Alucard. It made him shudder and he quickly ordered his pizza and left.

He ate it alone in the alley, but soon he was joined by none other than the man with the red coat. Edward looked up with a moronic smile. "Howdy!"

The man gave no reaction and instead asked a question. "Have you heard about the vampires that are living in this city?"

Edward smirked. "Why, yes I have."

"Do you know someone named Edward Cullen?" The man asked.

"Why yes I do!" Edward exclaimed. "But first, what's your name?"

The man hesitated and then shrugged his shoulders. "Dante." He murmured. "Now when did you last see him?"

"About two seconds ago I think." Edward replied cockily. "In fact he's right here."

"Where?" Dante asked impatiently, reaching for the guitar case on his back.

Edward sighed. "Oh, are you going to play a song for me?"

"Where is Edward? Answer me dammit!" Dante roared.

Edward shakily raised a hand like a child in a classroom. "I am Edward..." He whispered.

Dante looked him up and down and then undid the guitar case. Rather than take out a guitar, an oversized broadsword came out.

"What's that for?" Edward asked, just before he was sliced clean in half. His upper body rolled about crying. "Oww! It hurts!"

Dante reached into his pocket and took out two automatic pistols. "I am Dante, and I'm here to hunt down the vermin that infest this city!"

"Then why are you targeting me?" Edward cried, only to be shot in the ear. He sobbed pathetically and waited for his end to come.

Danted loaded both guns and then opened fire, emptying both cartridges before stopping. He put his guns in their holsters and put the sword back in his case, waiting for the smoke to clear. When it did he smiled at the gooey mess that was left behind.

The moral of the story is (Wait, is there even a moral to this? Wait...Where was I?) Oh, yes, the moral of the story is...Devils may cry, but not over Edward.

86 – Moron

Edward is coerced into train surfing. Needless to say, it doesn't go well...Even the most able of douchebags eventually succumb to defeat in this sport.

87 – Too Fast, Too Stupid

Edward receives a ridiculously large sum of money for showing his pathetic self in another awful rendition of Stephanie Meyer's 'vampire' chick flicks.

As an arrogant and stuck up asshole, he felt it was the right time to buy an obnoxious symbol of his wealth in the form of a sports car.

After about twelve minutes of deciding (The only knowledge he had of cars was from one episode of Top Gear.) He bought a Nissan GT-R and took it for a spin.

Ironically, it did spin...Off a freeway...Into a telegraph pole...Edwards dead.

88- Horny (Not in that way!)

Edward was walking down the street when he encountered a young girl with pink hair and what looked like cat ears. Edward approached her and on closer inspection realised they were actually small horns.

The girl realized she was being followed and stopped in her tracks. She turned to face Edward and stared at him with big red eyes.

Edward tried to think of something to say. He assumed it was one of his many fangirls and decided to pull the same stupid line he always did to get attention from the mindless 13 year old girls.

"Are you afraid of me?" He asked in a pathetic girly voice.

The girl frowned. "No." She said flatly. Edward chuckled but was interrupted when she asked him something. "Are you afraid of me?" She whispered menacingly.

"Huh? Why would I be afraid of you?"

The girl sighed. "I am the doom of all mankind."

Edward mock screamed and then laughed. "That's a good line! What movie is that from-" Edwards head detached from his shoulders and lowered down near his chest so that he could watch invisible arms tear his chest open and yank out his internal organs. Before his life faded away, the girl used her invisible hands to grip each side of his head, jamming a thumb in each eye to get a better grip. She then grunted as the hands tore his head in half as if it were a phone book.

Lucy strolled off casually.

89 – Horny 2 (In a different way, but still not that way.)

Edward falls onto a rhinoceros and is impaled on it's large horn. Ouch!

90 – Classic

Edward is hung, drawn and quartered for his crimes against humanity, I mean bad films. Either way...That's nasty...But justified!

Well, there are only ten more deaths to go. I've got four or five planned already, so any last requests will have to be sent in fast. As for Warhammer and gears of war, I know nothing about it except for those chainsaw guns, but that's already been done. Besides that, any other requests will be most welcome.

Please review!