Disclaimer: Apparently only the smart people own things like Harry Potter. I guess that means I won't be able to own anything…
Disclaim her: I am neither false nor fake; I am simply me.
Note: Out of character with: Harry, Lucius, Voldemort…
Rating: M for Mature. Children, don't make me call your parents.
Point of View: First
"speech" thoughts and/or mind speech (Harry and Voldemort) Parseltongue
I lay no ownership rights on the quote below.
A/N: A good reputation is more valuable than money.
Chapter 10: Departure
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If I could move, I would have wrenched myself away from him at that exact moment. But as I couldn't, I didn't.
"Leave me alone." I manage to murmur while I feel his anger with you intensify immensely as I know that the memory has taken its turn for the worse. I don't even want to think about what you are doing to my younger self right now. Please…just let me wake. I never thought I'd say that, but he's here, and I don't….
"You need someone to care for you." He says softly.
"No I don't! Leave me alone!" I hope that he will leave, just like all the others did which will prove that he was just like all the others. And then, I'll be alone, again. Just like I predicted I would be in the end. With all these things that I'm predicting coming true, one would have to think that I'm sort of seer.
"Please calm down."
"I will not! Just let me be!" I shout with my voice echoing in the dream universe.
"I don't think I will. Harry, I believe it is time for you to leave this memory. I've seen enough."
But he doesn't know enough. What is he trying to prove here? If he's trying to make me trust him, it's not going to work. I can't trust anyone after what happened with the Order and your sick games.
"Have you really though?" I answer back as my eyes avert to somewhere, anywhere that isn't him.
He gives no response as he takes my wrist in his hand and proceeds to pull me out of my dreamland of utter madness. I resolutely turn my head away from the scene that I know is unfolding even if I don't look toward it. Don't look at it Harry, just don't look, save yourself from anymore anguish.
But the more than half mad part of my mind has other ideas. You know you want to look at yourself. It gave you some sort of sick thrill when he screwed you. You know you liked it, it whispers softly next to me, so only I can hear its voice.
No, that's a lie! I hated it! He hurt me!
Even with this comeback, my mind strikes back ruthlessly. Then why did you let it continue? You could have stopped the abuse when you got older. You could have defended yourself.
Shut up! I scream at the voice that starts to laugh at my futile resistance against it. And the funny thing is that, that voice is my voice. I'm laughing at myself. That's just perfect. It's always been said that you're only truly insane when the voices start to answer back.
But of course, why drabble on and try to put together thoughts that make no sense to a disoriented mind that has lost all individuality? It's always better to drown out the things that make us different through some destructive method or another. Like per say, cutting for example. I'm glad I didn't toss out all my knives now. Maybe I will be able to take my life this time. It's frequently been said that where there's a will, there's a way.
He's still tugging my wrist so he can apparently lead me out of the madhouse I happened to call a sanctuary at the very few points in my time of schizophrenic outbursts when they would try to subdue me in vain. It's quite comical to see how far he's willing to go to make me trust him. Doesn't he ever listen?
"Come, Harry." He says more to himself than to me and my feet are moving of their own accord. He couldn't possibly be using the Imperius Curse on me…could he?
"No, I'm not. That would be ridiculously underhanded and even though I'm not exactly above those types of things, I wouldn't stoop so low. That would be stupid." The world reforms around me and I'm in his bedroom. Why does it seem that I keep ending up here of all places?
"You wouldn't, would you?" I sigh out as he lays me down on my side and sits down next to me. "Is it because you're Lord Voldemort?" He sets a hand in my hair and I concentrate on not flinching. But that really isn't so hard when I find that I couldn't have if I had tried. He has some sort of control over me that I know I could break if I truly wanted to. But I don't, so I don't attempt to find out how deep this command over me runs.
"Should it be?" He asks quietly. I can't quite tell whether he's being sarcastic or truthful.
"It should be whatever you want it to be. My opinions should not control your actions." I respond hesitantly.
"On the contrary. I care much about what you think."
"I am sure you do." The hand that he had placed in my hair runs through my unruly raven locks in an almost affectionate gesture. Oh, I hate him with a vengeance.
"I tell you no lies Harry. Won't you believe me? I'll kiss you again if you say you do."
"I'd rather you didn't. You aren't going to seduce me. I won't accept it." I seem to be straying off the path I told myself I would take. I told myself I would let him manipulate me. Why am I resisting for Merlin's sake? Every time I seem to have figured out my screwy little mind, it just goes behind my back and pulls these kinds of stunts. But I guess the answers only do provide knowledge and not wisdom. Of all the-
"As you wish, Harry. You know as well as I that I won't force myself onto you."
"But you know as well as I that you have other methods of making me bow to your will."
"Oh, you really are coming along now, aren't you? You always seem to become so much smarter in the times we're apart. Although, you were far more naïve in your first couple years at that school than you are now. He didn't do anything during this school year from the fear that I could possess you, did he?" He asks abruptly.
"No…he didn't. But that should be no concern of yours!" I burst out as I realize what I've just said. My temper seems to be rising as the seconds tick by. Such a fickle thing it is nowadays.
"Anything that happens in your life concerns me. I told you that I care for you."
"Then you're a fool." I assure him without delay and with confidence.
"Why's that?" He asks sweetly, almost as if he knows the answer.
"You're a fool for caring for someone that doesn't return your feelings in the slightest."
"I know that." He responds evenly.
"Then why-?" I begin to protest but he cuts me off in mid sentence.
"I know that you don't give a damn about how I feel about you but that will not deter me in the least bit. I will still care for you in all the ways I can." He lies down and I know that he's facing my back. "I could kill you Harry." The silence becomes thunderous.
"Then why don't you, and put us both out of our misery once and for all?" I suggest hopefully.
"Because I need you."
I chuckle bitterly. Why can't he come up with something more creative? "Who the hell do you think that you're fooling?"
"No one." He replies simply.
I bite the inside of my lip harshly, for once controlling some of my disgraceful temper. I know I've drawn blood, as I taste metallic in the inside of my mouth. Damn him.
"You want to cause some kind of damage to me right now, don't you Harry?"
Oh, if he knew what I really wanted to do to him.
"But I do know, and I know that you could come up with something better than what you're thinking about doing. That's not in the least bit punishing."
I scowl but say nothing in retaliation. I don't like him. He makes me-
I quiet my raving mind with an assurance that it can vent later on when I need it to. Who would have thought that a silence could be so lovely?
"Please don't hate me." He whispers and I can feel the first real meaning behind those few words. He means what he says. But why do I believe him? Why does he make me feel this way for Merlin's sake! I hate this!
"I don't hate you." He says a point later where I've covered my face with my hands in an attempt to block out the world. Why does he make me question ideals that I've come to accept over my lifetime?
I pull my glasses off my face slowly and hand them to him over my shoulder. He gently removes them out of my slack grip and I hear the soft chink as he sets them down on the bedside table. My hand remains on my shoulder as I feel his thin, spider like fingers examining the surface of my palm, him tracing the "I will not tell lies" scar on the back of my hand, and then his fingers sliding farther down my wrist to inspect where the thinner crisscrossing scars from my self mutilation lie.
"Why won't you accept what will be regardless of everything you try to do in objection?" The question drifts over my mind, glossing over all the upsetting thoughts and memories so I think of nothing and no one.
How does he do this? I must find out...but perhaps another time would be better. This feeling that surrounds me even into the depths of my mind is not unpleasant and I don't particularly want to move away from it.
I can feel a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth and I curse him softly. It's all his doing; I know it is. And even though I am absentmindedly cursing him to the hells, I can feel my eyes closing as his arm encircles my waist. He is pulling me toward him and I am at…peace.
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It's dark as it usually is when I wake and I immediately recognize the loss of the Dark Lord's presence. A funny feeling develops in me as I stare at the empty place on the bed. I don't like this feeling that continues to tug at me as I remain in the room. It makes me uneasy… I give it no label as I rise and leave the room out of not knowing what to do.
His Manor is actually quite large and I haven't seen the half of it from the constant disputes the Dark Lord and I have. But as it is, I happen to know where I am wherever I go. This is odd. Is it because of my connection to Voldemort? Has he embedded this knowledge into me somehow?
I'm too involved in my thoughts to notice where I'm going and I end up running into someone that I don't immediately distinguish. I am knocked to the ground in the process and my glasses fly from my face to a few feet away.
"Harry, you should watch where you're going." Lucius says as he offers me hand. I accept it and he pulls me to my feet. He then hands me my glasses. "What are you doing wandering around the Dark Lord's Manor?"
I am about to answer him but I realize that I don't have an answer. "I…don't know."
"You don't know?"
I try to think of why I'm wandering about, but nothing seems to come to mind. I've drawn a blank. That's…strange.
"It's okay, come on Harry, I'll get you some tea." Lucius says softly as he places a hand around my waist. He walks me down the hallway and leads me to the kitchens. It appears that it wasn't very far away to begin with. Or maybe I'm just not paying attention to my surroundings, as usual. But in the back of my mind, I find that I already knew this.
"Sit down anywhere you like Harry." For some odd reason, the kitchens resemble the ones at Hogwarts. Maybe I'll ask him why when I see him again.
I sit down in one of the chairs of the long intricantly carved oak table in the room obediently as Lucius calls a House Elf. As he gives it his request, my mind wanders and that unfamiliar feeling that I had from before returns and makes me hurt in a way that I have never felt before. It is a piercing pain that makes me want to cry.
"Are you all right Harry?" Lucius asks worriedly.
I look up and smile as I nod my wellness. Lucius smiles brokenly back and I feel the confusion of how I have just made him feel. The smile meets his gray eyes and that makes that odd feeling within me intensify for some reason.
I force my features to remain intact as he hands me a teacup from the tray the House Elf has just brought. He then proceeds to give me a bowl of bowl of oatmeal and a tray with all the separate accompaniments.
"Eat, please. I know that you don't eat much and that is why you're so dreadfully thin." Lucius says to my unasked question. He then changes the subject abruptly. "You are aware that the Dark Lord has left for mission and that he will not return for perhaps a few weeks, correct?"
"What?" I ask sharply.
"He did not tell you?" Lucius demands.
"He was gone when I woke today." I reply as I turn the oatmeal distractedly with a spoon. "He didn't tell me anything."
Lucius says nothing but his features darken in anger.
"Please don't get angry, Lucius. He doesn't ever tell me anything. It's okay, it doesn't matter." I reassure him. I don't understand why he takes time for me. It's discomforting.
"I'm not angry Harry. You know you can't make me angry."
"Lucius?" I ask softly as I continue to stir my oatmeal in circles and end up forming the infinity sign.
"What is it Harry?"
"Why does the Dark Lord insist on telling me lies of how he cares about me?"
"It is only because he does." Lucius replies as if the answer is apparent to all.
"He does not." I retort indignantly.
"Yes, he does. Why don't you believe him?" Lucius inquires.
"Because he's a liar." I mutter disgustedly.
"How do you know that?"
"I just do."
Lucius sighs, but then smiles slightly a moment later. "I love you Harry."
My features soften against my will. "I know you do. Why are you telling me this now, of all times?"
"I just think that you needed reminding that there are people out there who care for you." He pushes his chair back with these words.
I bite the inside of my lip as I watch Lucius rise. "Where are you going?" I ask uneasily. "You're not leaving, are you?"
"I have to return to the Ministry. I'll be back in a few days." He says quietly. Lucius turns as he begins to walk to the door and a blind panic rises within me. I don't want him to leave!
I force myself to move before he is gone. "Lucius! Lucius, wait!"
He turns in half surprise, half question. I run to him and nearly knock both of us down as I embrace him. I can feel him smile despite himself as he places his arms around me as well. I shut my eyes tightly as I inhale what makes Lucius who he is. Cologne, some kind of liquor, expensive cigars, and the telltale scent of his magical signature; which reminds me of something that I've known, but have currently forgotten.
"Harry, I have to go." He says softly.
"I know," I mumble into the folds of his robes.
"You're going to have to release me Harry."
"You do know that I-?" I begin awkwardly.
"I know Harry, I do. But I have to go," He repeats as he gently detaches my arms from around his waist. He ruffles my hair, a gesture that he knows I hate and he smiles a little.
"I'll be back soon. You needn't worry about me."
I scowl as I attempt to flatten my hair back down. "You know I hate it when you do that."
"That's what makes it all the more amusing." He says. He turns away as he reaches for the doorknob but pauses. "You didn't eat at all, did you?" He asks, even though the answer is obvious.
"No." I reply simply.
"At least drink the tea." He says.
"Do I have to?" I grumble as I continue to try to flatten down my hair.
"You're going consume something, no matter what it is. You need to eat more as you're too thin as is." He replies. "Be a good boy while everyone's away, won't you?"
"I am not an infant Lucius. I refuse to be coddled."
He chuckles softly but opens the door. "Good-bye Harry."
"Good-bye Lucius." I answer back faintly as I watch the door close behind black robes and blond hair.
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A.O.T.I.F.: Another chapter done. Let's not get violent and attack the writer in the request for more chapters. (Like that's ever going to happen.)
Please review.