Okay, I totally abused italics in this chapter, but it had to be done.

CMM was a huge help in making this chapter as great as it is. I was a little stuck in some parts and she pulled me through. Mistakes are still mine.

I don't own Star Trek.

/

/

When Kirk enters Spock's quarters he expects to find his bond-mate meditating or at least pacing, as he does whenever his emotions get the better of him. It's at least possible that Spock will be raging; it has only happened once or twice since they've been bonded, but this much stress is enough to piss off anyone, even a Vulcan. Jim is braced and ready—he thinks. Butwhat he finds threatens to break his heart. Spock is huddled in the far corner of the dark room, with his knees against his chest, arms around his legs and head buried in his knees. Jim has never seen him like this; it's as if Spock has locked himself into a box and shut out the universe.

Kirk drops his shields as he begins making his towards Spock, but his legs nearly give out when the flood of despair and overwhelming guilt threaten to tear apart his mind.

'Oh, God. Oh, Spock, love, don't. Don't do this to yourself. Oh, God, ashaya, what have I done?'

Jim manages to make it to his Vulcan lover and collapses to his knees in front of the curled-up figure. He peels Spock's fingers away from his legs and takes one of Spock's hands in each of his. Nothing. It's like touching a blanket or a shirt, something completely inanimate.

"Spock."

Jim whispers his lover's name.

"Love, sweetheart, t'hy'la; it's me. I'm here. Oh love, please don't do this. I'm sorry; I never wanted you to suffer this way…"

There's still no response. Spock's hands are as cold as the surface of Delta Vega; his eyes are huge dark pits of pain and lonely despair. He doesn't even seem to see Jim, just looks right through him into his own private Hell.

Jim gently moves Spock, noticing that it's like moving a sock monkey; there's no voluntary movement from Spock. Jim gets Spock's head in his lap, begins to softly, tenderly stroke Spock's temples, directly touching his psi points, still murmuring love words in Standard, in Vulcan, Hell in Klingon if that will work, hoping to reach his tormented mate. The added skin contact allows Jim begin to pick up on Spock's thoughts, all of them soaked with a flood of emotional pain.

'I did not know. I did not know. I would never have sent him if I had known. I do love him... I do... I do... I do...'

Kirk continues to stroke Spock's brow, trying to let his touch speak for him, trying to offer physical comfort as he attempts to ease his husband's mental pain.

"Spock, it's okay. I am here now. Please don't do this to yourself. I didn't mean anything I said. You must believe me."

Jim lifts both of Spock's hands and places gentle kisses on each of the Vulcan's knuckles. Spock still shows no sign of hearing him, of even being aware that he is there. Spock's mind just keeps repeating the same mantra over and over again.

'I love him….I do…My t'hy'la…I love him.'

It is obvious to him that Spock has retreated so far into his mind that he is unaware of anything going on around him. Jim needs to find a way to bring him back.

'Seems like I will have to push this to the next level and initiate a meld. I hope it works because I haven't done one in ages.'

Kirk sighs and pulls Spock up and into his arms, feeling the icy-cold body against his. He rests Spock's head against his shoulder, still whispering words of love and reassurance, still getting no response.

Jim's fingers gently position themselves on Spock's psi points. Jim closes his eyes, seeking for that faint, shining cable of twisted silver and gold that is their bond, that link which binds them together for all their lives. He reaches for their bond and uses it as a guide to enter Spock's brain.

It is like falling into a storm. Jim is battered on all sides by waves of anger, hate, regret, possessiveness, guilt and so many more emotions he can't even distinguish. He gasps, trying to process, trying to focus. Spock must be hiding somewhere in this mental world. Jim has to find him. He struggles on until suddenly, there is a door in front of him, a door pulsing red with pain and shame. Jim's mental 'hand' reaches out and opened the door, letting his consciousness slip inside and slamming the door behind him.

Spock's mental form is sitting cross-legged, with his hands at his sides, in an empty dark room and staring unseeingly at the door Kirk just entered. He blinks, and then the tormented eyes meet Jim's.

'Do you hate me so?'
Spock's mental voice is barely a whisper.

'Do you loathe me enough to pursue me here, to torment me within my own mind? Then do so, t'hy'la. It is less than I deserve.'

The figure spreads his hands, inviting all the pain Jim can heap upon him.

In this mental world where thoughts and actions are the same, Jim is next to Spock in an instant, throwing himself into the Vulcan's embrace.

'No, t'hy'la. My love, please stop punishing yourself. I didn't mean anything I said. I know you only did what you thought was right at the time. I know that you love me, just as I love you.'

'But you do not know I love you.'

Spock's mental voice is low and filled with such hopelessness that Jim gasps with the pain.

'You believe I abandoned you, that I do not love, you, that I simply amused myself with you. You said so; I heard it.'

There is a mental sob that escapes Spock.

'You…you turned form me in disgust.'

'No, love, no.'

Jim breathes this, holding onto Spock with all his strength.

'I am so sorry; I had to say what I said. I am not angry; I do not hate you. Love, feel me; believe me. I am here, and I will not leave you. Please, Spock, ashaya, come back to me. I love you, Spock, so very much. Pretending that I did not almost killed me.'

Together in Spock's mind, Jim gently strokes Spock's ears, knowing that this tender touch, a caress that only Jim has ever offered, soothes Spock like no other. A spark seems to ignite in his bond-mate's eyes at the contact. Kirk heart is filling with hope even when he sees the tear slide down a pale cheek.

'I do not deserve your love. You nearly died because of my actions. My love for you nearly killed you.'

Kirk tries to hold it in, but Spock's words drive him to laughter. This seems to startle Spock out of his inwardly-focused agony of self-recrimination. He looks at Jim, confused.

'I'm sorry for laughing Ashaya, but you can't take the credit for me nearly dying this time. Yes, you did send me to that planet, but if I had stayed in the pod like I was told, instead of wandering around on that damn planet like a lost tourist, then I wouldn't have been in any danger. And I managed to escape. I just wish I'd had a vat of tarter sauce for that crab thing that was trying to eat me.'

Spock's expression is becoming more relaxed but he still seems unconvinced, and Jim can still feel his pain and grief. Undeterred, Jim continues.

'I would never have been at risked of becoming dinner if I hadn't left the escape pod. I really should start listening to those computer recording. They seem to know what they are talking about.'

Spock's hand reaches to touch Kirk's face, but at the last second, he pulls it back and clenches it into a fist.

'But... but you said that I did not love you, that I viewed you as a plaything, that...'

Jim's heart breaks all over again. Both in their minds and in the flesh, he grabs Spock's hands in his, lavishing soft kisses over every inch of skin, turning Spock's hands over and burying his face in Spock's palms.

'Understand this, T'hy'la, what I said on the Bridge was a bunch of lies. I only said what I said so I could prove to you and others that you are emotionally compromised, which you have been since I came back from the drill. I didn't want to do it, but it was the only way for you to see sense. I had to drive you to the breaking point, and the only weapon I had was your love for me. I'm so sorry; I never wanted to use that love against you, but I have to take command. The old man told me...'

Kirk stops himself, hoping that Spock missed his slip, but from the slightly narrowed eyes and raised eyebrow, he knows that he has been caught.

'What old man? I was under the impression that the only person you came into contact with on Delta Vega was the Starfleet officer you addressed as Scotty.'

Kirk worries for a moment that if he tells Spock everything then the universe itself might end, but if that were true then Spock (the older one) would have told him specifically not to say anything. To Jim, the risk of the universe imploding is worth it, if he can get his husband to understand why he did what he did. Surely this story is too crazy to be fake.

'I think it will be best if I just show you everything.'

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After Spock has seen all of Kirk's memories of Delta Vega, the two just sit within Spock's psyche and stare at each other. Spock has a neutral expression, but Kirk can feel his jealousy, a faint sense of anger, and a strong feeling of uncertainty, directed at his older self.

'I grow to be very manipulative in my old age and I am not pleased with the fact that he performed a meld on you. He had no right.'

Kirk throws his head back as he laughs.

'Oh my god! Are you seriously jealous of yourself? He is you! And we only melded because time was of the essence and he need to give me important information. No mental sex was had while on that ice rock, I can promise you that.'

He leans forward, once more pressing mental kisses to Spock's face.

'I adore you, my t'hy'la. I would never cheat on you, not even with a time-travelling version of you. I swear.'

Spock lets his fingers skim across Jim's brow, brushing the human's unruly hair back into place.

'I am pleased to hear that, Ashayam. It would be regretful if I had to kill my future self.'

Instead of laughing again, as Kirk knows Spock is expecting, the human's face turns serious.

'Spock, I would love to stay here with you forever and joke about your rivalry with your other self if I could, but people are waiting for us. We need to get back to the bridge and figure out a way to save Earth.'

Spock's eyes fill with determination and he nods at the blond in his arms.

The next thing Kirk is aware of is that he is back in Spock's room, wrapped in his bond mate's arms, his neck still damp from Spock's tears, but Spock's mental presence once more strong and stable in Jim's soul.

He reluctantly lets go, and they both rise from the floor at the same time. A beat passes and then they are falling into each other's arms.

Kirk presses butterfly kisses all over his bond-mate's face, paying special attention to Spock's soft lips. He whispers against his lover's mouth.

"Please forgive me for everything I said. I didn't want to do it. It nearly killed me to do it. I love you so much. Never forget that."

Spock uses his hands to deliver Vulcan kisses to his mate and send his understanding down the bond.

"You have forgiven me for doing what I thought was right. It is only fair that I forgive you for doing what was right."

Kirk's kisses are becoming more urgent against Spock's lips.

"Don't ever hide away like that again. I was so worried that I'd lost you."

Spock grabs Kirk by the back of his neck and pulls him in to deepen the kiss.

'But you found me and brought me back.'

Jim breaks the kiss to gather his breath and presses his forehead against Spock's. His heart is filled to the brim with adoration, love and gratefulness for the man before him.

"I will always find you. Hell itself wouldn't be able to keep me away from you."

Kirk goes to kiss Spock again, but the Vulcan dodges his advances and steps away to look into his blue eyes in amusement. Jim knows he is pouting but can't seem to pull his lip back in to where it belongs.

"I believe that you mentioned that we are expected on the Bridge, so that we may formulate a plan to defeat Nero, or was I mistaken?"

If anything, Kirk's pout becomes more prominent at this question.

"Yeah I did, but I'm sure they can survive without us for another 10 minutes."

Spock brushes past his bond-mate on his way to the door, a tiny smile at the corner of his mouth.

"I do not believe we should, as you say, risk it. We will have plenty time for sexual gratification when Nero is thwarted. Let us meet with the rest of the crew before they become concerned."

Kirk watches Spock make his way out of the room and can't help but grin as he notices that Spock seems to be back to normal, but then he realises that he is now standing alone in a dark room like an idiot. He run out the door and heads towards Spock who has almost reached the turbo-lift. No one is in the passage way so Kirk takes the opportunity to embarrass his lover, since the Vulcan has put him through quite a bit in a short amount of time. In his mind, it is only fair.

"The moment Nero is dead, it will be you, me, a big comfy bed, a jumbo tube of lube, some chocolate-flavoured body oil, and a pair of handcuffs. And we're going to be there for a week. So be prepared."

Spock steps into the lift and turns, with a green flush covering his cheeks, to glare at Jim. With a grin, the blond manages to make it into the lift before the doors closes.

'When we defeat Nero, all you will be getting is a spanking.'

Kirk smirks and winks at Spock, stealing one more hot kiss while the lift is moving.

"Not that I would ever complain, but I do believe that you have developed a spanking kink, Ashayam. "

Spock's blush just deepens.

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Every single person turns to Spock and Kirk as they enter the Bridge. Jim notes that Amanda is no longer among them.

'She must have gone back to her room to tell Sarek what an asshole I was to you before.'

Spock's mental chuckle makes its way across their bond and Kirk's stomach does a little flip at the sound.

'I doubt that is the reason she returned to her guest room... well not the sole reason.'

Jim shoots him a sharp look from the corner of his eyes as they both step in unison towards the small group of officers standing around the navigation station and staring at them in wonder. Scotty, who is standing next to Uhura, is now in a dry, red engineering uniform and Gaila, who must have arrived at some point while he was gone, is now lounging in the pilot's chair beside Chekov.

Once Kirk reaches the group, he pats Sulu on the shoulder and something in the Asian's demeanour relaxes.

'Probably glad to be rid of the responsibility. In these circumstances, I can't fault him for feeling that way, but I always did like a challenge.'

"Good job on not getting us blown up while I was away, Sulu."

Sulu just shrugs and gives the new captain a lazy salute.

"Thanks. I will admit there was a moment when I thought we were all doomed when Dr McCoy tried to reprogram the bridge's replicator to make him that disgusting chicory-flavoured coffee he likes, but I managed to get us through that rough patch."

McCoy rolls his eyes and steps into the middle of the group, scowling at all the amused faces.

"This ain't no time to be joking around like a bunch of circus clowns. Now, Captain..."

He nods to Kirk.

"I assume that you and the hobgoblin have kissed and made up—and no, I don't want any damned details—so let's get back to what Starfleet is paying us for."

The doctor spins around to point at Chekov, who jumps a little in his seat in fright.

"Tell the captain and the hobgoblin your genius plan, jail bait."

Pavel blushes as all eyes fall on him but he straightens his back in the chair and addresses Kirk and Spock.

"Based on the Romulan's course from Wulcan, I have projected that Nero will travel past Saturn. If we could drop out of varp behind one of Saturn's moons, say Titan, the magnetic distortion from the planet's rings will make us inwisible to Nero's sensors."

Scotty jumps in and continues on with the explanation with unprecedented enthusiasm.

"Aye, and then we could beam someone on board that ship without them knowing."

Kirk looks to Spock waiting for the Vulcan's verdict on the plan.

"Ensign Chekov's calculations are correct. If Mr Sulu can manoeuvre us into position, I can beam aboard Nero's ship, where I will destroy the black hole device and rescue Captain Pike."

Kirk's gaze narrows at Spock before he speaks to the rest of the team.

"What Spock meant to saywas that we will beam onto that ship to destroy the weapon and get Pike back. Isn't that right, Mr Spock?"

Spock sighs quietly in exasperation.

"Indeed Captain. That is exactly what I meant. Thank you for clarifying for the others."

Kirk gives the Vulcan a sly smile and slaps him on the shoulder.

"You're welcome. I'm always willing to help."

Uhura steps before the two men and glances at the two of them in concern, but her gaze eventually lands on Spock.

"You have been through enough already. Why do you need to go at all? Others on this ship are just as capable of completing this mission."

Spock's eyebrow lifts at her question. Kirk turns to face his bond-mate because he also wants to know why Spock is so determined to go, beside the obvious reason of revenge. It doesn't seem enough to risk so much.

"Romulans and Vulcans share a common ancestry. I may be able to pass as a Romulan, at least long enough to distract a guard, and our biological and cultural similarities will make it easier for me to access their ship's computer and retrieve the information I need."

Jim is unconvinced and by the way Uhura puts her hands on her hips and glowers at Spock, she is not convinced either.

'You are going to have to do better then that, my love.'

Spock heaves another silent sigh.

"Also, I am half human and my bond-mate is human, which makes Earth the only home I have left."

Uhura's hands drop from her hips and she nods in understanding, her eyes softening at the admission.

She looks to Kirk and smiles. Not a snide or condescending smile that he is used to receiving from her, but a friendly and open smile. Kirk will admit that he could get used to those smiles being aimed at him.

"I am happy he will have you to watch his back, Kirk. If he has to go then I am glad you will be there with him...sir."

Gaila's melodic voice startles everyone from the touching moment that just unfolded before them and they all turn their focus onto the pretty Orion.

"So we have a plan... sort of. Don't you think we should, I don't know, begin implementing it? We don't exactly have a whole heck of a lot of time."

Kirk blinks at the smiling Orion and then turns to McCoy and points an accusing finger at the doctor.

"You are such a bad influence. Look at what you have done to my poor sweet Gaila! She wasn't like this until she started hanging around with the likes of you."

McCoy just beams proudly as his gaze fixes on his beautiful girlfriend.

"She's my girl alright."

A throat clearing has everyone looking towards Spock, who is standing amongst them, the picture of professionalism.

"While Miss Vro's manner of expression was crude..."

Gaila blows the Vulcan a raspberry at this, but Spock simply ignores her.

"... she does have a valid point. We should proceed in putting this plan into action."

Kirk's expression turns serious and he claps his hands once to get everyone's attention.

"You heard the Vulcan; we all have jobs to do, so let's go do them."

They all move towards their stations in a quick but orderly fashion. Kirk takes a seat in the command chair and Spock takes his place standing next to him. Their fingers brush on the armrest of the chair.

'What is the likelihood that this plan will actually work?'

The two of them stare at the view screen in front of them as they continue to bestow Vulcan kisses on each other and converse within their minds.

'I have learnt that during our time together, Ashayam, that calculating possible outcomes to any of your actions is a pointless endeavour because you are constantly achieving the impossible.'

Kirk feels the truth of this statement through their link and smiles slightly. Spock's faith in him makes him giddy and his own self-confidence begins to grow.

'So what you are saying is that I'm a miracle worker.'

Spock grasps Jim's hand in his and squeezes firmly, still facing the screen in front of them.

'What I am saying is that if anyone is capable of making sure this mission is a success, it is you, my t'hy'la.'

For the first time since hearing the crazy plan, Kirk actually believes that as well. This is not going to be his no-win scenario. Nero had better bend over and kiss his ass good-bye. Jim Kirk was on his way.

/

Now for some news that might upset some people. Because of work and my studies I will have to cut back to posting 1 chapter a week. I just can't find any extra time to do more then that.

I will most likely post chapters on a Friday or Saturday. (I live in South Korea, so work out when that will be for you)

I would love to do more but there are only so many hours in a day.