Out From Under

Carly's p o v

Shopping had exhausted Sam so she went right to bed as I started on a list.

Carly Shay's Back To School goals 2011

#1 Maintain a average of straight A's For every Class

#2 Learn Some new way to make a difference to the future and works towards it

#3 Apply to all the top school's and make sure I get in

#4 Make Sure My GPA is in the top percentage

#5 Make Sure I am accepted for the NHS National Honors Society Again

#6 Do extra credit for every class

#7 Keep Sam out of trouble [sigh]

#8 Make iCarly even bigger and better ..wait scratch that I canceled iCarly dang it

#9 Not get caught up in senioritis stay focused on these goals

#10 Get enough sleep on school nights

#11 Hangout with my friends only on weekends because hanging out on weekdays made me not do my homework or study sometimes .

#12 I think I want a boyfriend, but not right when school starts, maybe after a few months. I want to experience true love but not go head over heals and lose who I am.

#13 Join a club and do community service

#14 Not miss more then 3 days of school

#15 Rank #1 in the national dance competition

Carl's how's that list coming?

Doing good Spence

God it made me sound boring like I was trying too hard to be perfect. I wasn't perfect not by a long shot. Making lists just helped me to stay focused and organized it gave me a sense of what I needed as guidelines for the year.

I started making lists in the 4th grade the year I turned 8 when my whole life changed.

Before Fourth Grade I lived in Yakima which is a subdivision of Washington it was just me ,Spencer and Our Mom Miranda Shay And Our Dad Colonel Steven Shay our dad was stationed in Washington D.C at the white house. Mom was a Art teacher at my Elementary School we use to ride together she was pretty much my best friend I could talk to her about anything , I idolized her she was smart with bachelor's degree in Arts From The School of Visual Arts in NYC she could play almost any instrument piano, drums , guitar , sax, french horn , violin. She had the voice of an angel and loved to sing.

I loved where we lived we were smack in the middle of the gated community everyone knew us and we knew them. Our development was newly built our house had 4 floors to it and I had my own bedroom which also had a playroom attached to it and a music room mom was teaching me how to play the piano and guitar. Our house was brick with huge windows that were purple and black shutters and blinds. Our front was lined in stones with a fountain with a small waterfall. We had tons and tons of backyard. Spencer and I each had our own sections of the yard where we could bring over our friends.

Back then my best friends were Haley Ramiro and Taylor Cosgrove we did everything together . We played barbies dress up hop scotch fairytale land which is a game we made up where we pretended to be princess and queens of our own made up countries we acted out these fantasies in our back yards Haley lived on my left and Taylor on my right, So we had plenty of yard space.

October of the year I was seven my dad was shipped off to the naval base in Seal Beach I made a new friend Missy Robinson she helped fill the gap left by Haley and Taylor who I missed so dang much. Missy and I connected so fast it was scary we seemed to just get each.

Just as I was settling Dad was transferred back to Yakima Missy and I cried as we said goodbye. Things worked out though cause my grandparents had moved into our old house so at least mom wasn't stressed trying to find a place. Life went back to normal I settled into my normal routine Mom got her job back. Plus she took hours at the local high school teaching music our house was always filled with her students who she taught extra help to from home.

Spencer was a typical nineteen year old he was living at home while working part time at a clown agency which rents out clowns for parties. Saving up money while he was in collage where he couldn't decide what he wanted to major in.

Meanwhile Mom and I did everything together we went shopping every week as a mommy daughter bonding session. She took me to dance classes and vocal lessons gymnastics. She was always telling me how beautiful I was that I was her little fairy princes.

Mom use to model when she was younger she was tall thin and beautiful the envy of all my friends moms. Expect she was so sweet you couldn't hate her she taught us that it was what was on the inside that counted most.

March of that year my whole life became a nightmare mom started having dizzy spells feeling weak she found a lump on her left breast, she went to have it checked out and they sent her for tests and had to have a biopsy.

She was diagnosed with Stage IV mammary Ductal cell carcinoma otherwise known as Breast Cancer.

She required a bone marrow transplant, chemotherapy, breast surgery and many radiation sessions.

She was so sick all the time I would hold her hair back and rub her back putting a wash cloth over her face , I would talk to her and make her laugh. She could forget about her pain and fear.

My mom fought for months about 4 months into it the doctors told us to be prepared that the cancer had spread to her lymph nods they also found cancer in her skull, ribs, sternum, thoracic and lumbar spine and pelvis. Mom sat us down and told us what was going on very honesty and openly she told us what to expect and asked us to tell her how we felt about everything . She told us things were going to change and we had to prepare ourselves.

Sitting on my bed that night I made a decision that I would do everything I could to make mom see that I could be the perfect daughter just like she always said I was. I knew she didn't need any stress or worry so I stayed up studying and making sure the house was cleaned and maintained making sure there was food in the house and that she had all her medications and anything she needed to be comfortable. I knew I had to get the best grades cause she always stressed good grades. She always told us A's and B's were going to get us far in life. Her main dream was for us to go to the top colleges and be happy.

Spencer took more of a role in my life he started coming home straight after class so he could pick me up from school and take me to dance class which was where I could escape dance was my refuge. I loved being able to move and get lost in a song and a routine. She refused to let me quit even though I knew it was costing money she needed for treatment.

It was strange having Spencer suddenly taking charge he had always been my older brother but I really never spent much time with him he was always off with his own friends at sporting events,school parties hanging out with friends or working. I usually only saw him on holidays or summer break even though he lived at home it was like he was never really there. Unless he needed money or mom to fix some problem he created.

Spencer however really stepped up to the plate he made me laugh and took my mind off my problems made me forget that mom was so sick and dad so far away. He encouraged me to stick with dance which I did cause I loved it. I was lucky to have a awesome teacher to who was always willing to give me extra lessons and time.

Mom fought so hard against the cancer it was hell watching her get sick after chemo watching her throw everything up. Seeing her long silky dark brown hair which I inherited from her getting thinner and more brittle till it fell out in clumps. She got so weak she couldn't walk which was a far cry from when she would pick me up and spin me around dancing like crazy. Which always made me giggle

On August 23rd My Mom Became a angel in god's garden I was devastated for as long as I had known she had been my whole world. Without her I didn't know who I was what I stood for my dad wasn't around and by then he had started a world tour and wasn't even home for the funeral so Spencer had become my legal guardian. Without any parents I had suddenly made the realization that I was no longer somebody's child. I didn't have a mom or dad to run to hold me when I cried I could never go to a daddy and daughter dance never have him give me away at my wedding .I could never go to a mommy daughter shopping trip ever again I would never see her at the birth of my first child.

I wish more then anything that I had more time with her time went by so fast and I never got to say what I really wanted to say.

Spencer acted quickly selling the house he thought we both needed a fresh start where no one would point and whisper those kids their the ones" yea they lost their mom" he bought a apartment in Downtown Seattle .

Grandad was not happy and tried to fight him but he had legal guardianship so he won out. I started a new school with no friends no mom and no idea how any of this had happened . I was still shaken and on top of it I was having asthma attacks like crazy earning me the nickname wheezy which I hated. Not that it mattered I was the new girl the outcast the nobody. I was a easy target they loved to shove me to the ground laugh at me kick me tease me hit me lock me into the lockers , bathrooms , boiler rooms. They stole my lunch my money my books. Smashed my new cell phone chased me home from school . So I buried myself in learning I knew one day it would change I just didn't know when. I prayed every night though.

I spent months crying afraid for my safety but I refused to tell Spencer he was struggling to build his art career stay in college and keep us a float. So I hid it all inside I didn't want to lose him to if Grandad knew how I felt he would yank me away. Spencer was my last link to mom and he was keeping me sane with his wackiness.

My one sort of friend was Freddie the shy kid across the hall who was always eager to please he would do anything for me which was creepy yet cute. Problem was he was shy and socially awkward so hanging with him sealed my fate if he would of hung with me he was too scared to approach me inside school.

He did give me flowers everyday though which was sweet. The other kids saw it as another reason to taunt me.

By mid year I wasn't just depressed I was so mad I just wanted to feel like I was apart of something like I mattered. I swore I would start to fight back I was tired of being bullied.

Dance was once again my reason to escape Spencer had found an amazing studio for me to take lessons at and a teacher who was willing to take the time to help me. Dance gave me purpose and a rhythm.

It gave me confidence Friday had been horrible I had been held down by girls twice as big as me thrown in the mud had my lunch and money stolen my shirt my shoes I was beaten and made fun of. They made up rumors and taunted me all day. I got in trouble with my teacher for being late cause they found a way to make me late. She said I was lying that I was just a trouble maker.

That night I lay awake wondering what was the purpose of living if life was going to be this horrible? I cried myself to sleep.

Saturday I went onstage and won gold in the competition for every dance number I was in it gave me the boast I needed. I felt like a winner and my teacher gave me advice that I needed to hear that when she was my age she was picked on and that it does get easier and no matter what happens I am not alone. Someday I will come out from under and I will shine bright. I just had to be willing to fight.

Fight I did Monday when some girl tried to steal my tuna sandwich by knocking me to the ground I got mad and got up and knocked her to the ground. She was stunned as she lay on the ground I felt bad I was raised to know better but she was grinning in shock that someone had fought back. I sat down and ate my sandwich she sat down next to me she looked sad and hungry. So I gave in and gave her half. She was small and thin under weight but she had a loud mouth and big eyes that tore into you.

She was dressed in baggy old clothes that were ripped and dirty her face was caked in blood from cuts and dirt. She was a mess...her eyes looked sad and tired I felt sorry for her but mostly I felt a connection a pull like someone else needed me to hang around.

For no reason at all I started to cry she asked if I was okay? She put her arms around me and held me close she didn't have to she could of laughed or made fun of me she didn't know me she didn't owe me. She didn't run away though she held me and took the time to ask what was wrong.

I invited her home with me that night where we sat up in my room watching girlie cow and listening to music we shared the same taste and we even wrote our first song together that night.

You tell me what you are going through

I know how you feel I am there to

Every day they hurt me in the same way

Though I try I feel I am far to shy

But it doesn't give them all the right

To hurt me and yet some how they feel free

Every night I am fighting off the tears

Yet you ask if I am okay

Cause I don't know what to do

Should I reveal what they put me throu me?

You are not alone just like you I am hurting to

Do you find that terrible thoughts haunt your mind?

Those words that were just so unkind they replay

They loop throughout the day I'm betrayed the person I was to be

It's a prisoner that's yearning to be free

Without a key behind bars that shadow me

We've been best friends ever since.

Carly?

Yea Sam? I sniffed

What's wrong?

No..t..h..i..n..g

Don't lie Carlotta

She came over yawing as she threw her arms around my shoulders resting her head on my shoulder blade ,

It's nothing really

It's Really something Carl's I know you so just spill

Sighing I tried not to but I broke down anyway she pulled me close tight and secure, just like Mom use to.

Sam fell back to sleep shortly after we talked so I laid there for awhile feeling her heart beating strong her arms wrapped around my mid section her head on my shoulder and thought about how lucky I was now how my life has turned completely around.

She had held me while I cried rocking me not saying a word while I bawled over my mom who had been gone for years.

She kept reassuring me while I was crying my eyes out that I didn't lose my mom or my dad I couldn't lose them they were a part of me a part of everything I do from now until I die I just couldn't see them in this life. She told me she would always be here for me I begged her to stop tempting fate that I needed her here with me not locked up or buried.

She promised me she could stay out of trouble I hope she can keep that promise.

Finally around 6 my bladder was bursting so I sneaked out from under her arms. I tried to be strong for Sam even though we both knew it wasn't my best feature. Sometimes though I just felt like I could never get out from under this depression and betrayal. It sneaked up on me just when I thought I was happy it hit me full force.

It was like I was drowning in it and she was my only air. Sam's arrest triggered the latest stint the start of school was just adding to it. Mom had always made the first day such a occasion always so full of enthusiasm about how she thought we would do who we would get what she would teach all her new students what they would teach her.

Worst of all she loved seeing us grow up learning new things she loved watching us discover and work things out. The first day was always full of pictures and hugs tons of them. She would brag to all her friends about how smart and big her kids were.

I missed that every year she made us make a list of goals and wanted us to stick to them Spencer usually lost his or set it on fire the first week . I loved the idea and wanted to please her so I stuck to mine and thought it out carefully. She always told me she could count on me to do what was right.

I won't let you down Mom

I promise

I whispered into the night air met with the sounds of honking cars and chirping birds, and a soft wind.