All Men Are Afraid in Battle-

The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty
~ George S. Patton

A/N: I'm overwhelmed by the response again. Thank you so much! Reviews give me wings, seriously, I now have fourteen chapters ready, three more in advanced-draft phase and plot to complete the story at about twenty two - twenty five chapters. I really hope you will like the rest as much as I do (even though sometimes it is hard to write). Thank you all!

Chapter Ten
Leslie Shay

Third time – second in a row – Kelly had to ask Casey to drive him home, because he didn't trust himself enough to do that. He was looking forward to sleeping for the rest of the day, but Casey reminded him about the evening's gathering.

"You're not going to bail, are you?" he asked tentatively.

"Of course not," Kelly sighed.

He had to figure out something. He couldn't afford not to. When they got home, he hid in his room and pulled out a phone. Stared at the picture of April Sexton for good ten minutes before he finally touched the "call" button.

She picked up after five beeps.

"Hey." Kelly almost hung up already. "Sorry, is it a bad time? Are you on shift?"

"No, it's okay, I just finished an all-nighter. I'm home. What's up?"

"You weren't sleeping, were you?"

"No, not yet. I was in a shower. It's alright," she assured, "I don't mind you calling. So, what is it?"

"I'm, uh..." Kelly's heart hammered in his chest. This was not a good idea at all, he shouldn't have called her, shouldn't ask. "Are you busy tonight?" he blurted, before he could do something silly, like hang up.

"Um, no," April drawled. "I have no plans." She waited a bit and added, "Do you?"

"Yeah." Kelly was grateful for the opening. "Yes, I have... I mean the guys from Fifty-One... A year ago..." He knew he was stammering, but there was no easy way to talk about it. "Something happened. Something bad and we... Well, we plan to gather at Molly's. I told you, that pub in Bucktown."

"Yeah. I remember. I said I wouldn't come," she teased.

"Because I suck." Kelly remembered with a small smile.

"Because you suck."

"Well. I was hoping... Maybe you changed your mind." Surprisingly, the little joke eased the tension and Kelly found himself honest with her for a change. "It would really mean a lot to me if you came. It's gonna be hard and I could use some support. I could use a friend."

She was silent for a heartbeat that felt a lot longer, then answered sincerely, "You got one. I am your friend, Kelly, and of course I'll be there. Do you want me to pick you up, or would you rather..."

"Yeah. Yes, that would be good, if you could pick me up. Six pm works for you?"

"I'll be there. Just text me the address."

She was more than willing to help Kelly with whatever he requested. She had to make that first step, had to make him feel that he could count on her. Nonetheless, pulling up under his apartment building, April felt nervous. He sounded really distraught over the phone and she had no idea what this was about, what was so upsetting about guys from his House meeting, what was the anniversary. She sent him a text with "I'm here," and waited. He showed up not two minutes later.

"Hey!" Squeezed himself into the passenger seat, his smile bright, eyes crinkling. "Tanks for this." He looked pale but otherwise quite alright, full of energy and maybe even happy. April wondered how much of it was a front behind which he was hiding.

"Really, it's not a big deal," she assured him again and put the car in gear. "I'll be happy to meet your colleagues in a different situation than a quick exchange of the victims' vitals." Kelly chuckled at that and April decided to breach the subject of her concern. "So, what is this gathering about." She cast him a quick glance and saw his smile vanish. "You mentioned anniversary. Of what?"

Kelly sighed and wiped his face. Let his hand fall to his lap. He was looking out the passenger window, half turned away from her, when he started talking, "Was a year ago this Wednesday... May 13th... we were called to a fire. An abandoned storage building." He fell silent for a moment and April didn't press. She listened to the engine rumble and other cars passing them by and finally he took a deep breath and went on, "There was a victim laying below the stairs and we called the paramedics in, Dawson and... Shay. Leslie Shay."

April knew that name. "I heard about her." She felt her stomach twist nervously. "Kendra sometimes speaks of her."

"They were friends," Kelly nodded, still not looking at her. "Shay... She and Dawson were working on the victim, when the explosion happened. We later found out that it was arson, the fire got to the accelerant and everything blew up to hell. It was a mess. We were all out cold. Some guys got injured and Shay... A beam fell and hit her in the head. I think it was instantaneous. We tried to resuscitate her, I mean Dawson did and then, when I came down, I remember..." He shook his head. "We were too late either way."

"I'm sorry," April whispered. Kelly nodded without a word. She understood why this was difficult for him but there was more to it, she could tell. "She must have been well liked by the people in your Firehouse."

"She was."

"But the way you speak about her..." She wasn't sure if she should ask, if she should dig, but she needed to know. "Were the two of you?..."

"What?" Kelly's head snapped up, brows furrowed. "No. We were never..." He closed his eyes and turned to look at the window again. "She was gay." After a brief moment he added, in a voice so soft, she barely caught it. "But we were roommates. And... friends. She was my best friend." Kelly wiped his face again and sighed in a way that made April realize he was trying really hard not to cry.

She didn't know what to say. She was his friend – used to be, long ago – but, obviously, what he and that paramedic, Leslie Shay had, was a lot more profound, a lot more important. Right now, he needed her and April realized that, despite their past, their history together, if she really wanted to be back in Kelly's life, she had quite huge shoes to fill.

Gabby was more anxious about this memorial than she probably should have. She wasn't thinking about Shay as often as she used to, damn, even when she'd found out she was pregnant, her first thought hadn't been to tell Shay.

Shay had wanted to have a baby. Gabby could remember very well how she and Severide had tried to go through with that artificial insemination process. It made her feel guilty. Where her best friend couldn't succeed, she now wanted to give up that chance.

One more thing to make her feel like crap.

Gabby slammed her hand against the counter in frustration and called Herrmann's unwanted attention to her. It was getting crowded and she thought nobody would take notice of her, but Herrmann wouldn't be Herrmann if he wasn't on her ass in an instant. And with a rag he used to clean up the spilled beer.

"Tough?" he asked, squeezing the rag into the sink. "You know, remembering her will always bring pain, but there were good moments too. We have to focus on that."

"I know Herrmann. And I do, I just haven't really thought about her in weeks and now... I realized that if she were here, she would hate me now." She felt tears well up in her eyes.

"Naaah, she would never." Herrmann threw the rag into the sink, put his arm around her shoulders and gave her a squash. "She loved ya'."

Gabby shook her head against his collarbone. "Herrmann," she whispered, "you have no idea."

"Yeah? I have some idea, Dawson." She felt his breath on her hair as he spoke, still holding her fast. "I've been at this job for too many years and... Don't forget that I have a family. Some things... You just feel. Other – you figure out. Add two and two together and you'll get three no matter how you swing it, girl."

Gabby pushed away and furrowed her brow at him. His math was off, he had to know that.

Herrmann only spread his hands. "The way Casey is always trying to keep you out of harms way, more so than ever before, even though you're technically not together? The way you sneak around and talk in hushed voices? There's a secret, Dawson, I can smell a secret from miles away. And if it is what I think it is, then it's a good thing." He poked her in the chest. She shook her head with a half-smile and that was enough of a confirmation for him. He grinned at her. "You'll be happy, you'll see. It always seems like a whole bunch of trouble at the beginning, but it's really the best thing in the world. Trust me, I know. I have five of them bunches."

Gabby couldn't help but chuckle. "Herrmann, seriously. You have no idea what you're talking about."

"Maybe not. And maybe Shay didn't have that kind of trouble, but she woulda' told you the exact same thing. And you know that."

Yeah. Gabby knew that. And that was part of the problem.

"One thing I can't figure out," Herrmann scratched his nape, "is how Severide fits into all that."

Gabby glanced up and then followed his gaze to the door. Kelly just came in, with that nurse friend of his – April. They stopped before one of Shay's pictures and he was telling her something. April asked a question, Kelly replied with a smile she hadn't seen on him in weeks.

"You know what, Herrmann?" She patted her partner's arm affectionately. "I can't figure out Severide either, if that makes you feel any better."

Seeing Shay smile – on a picture, but still a smile – was not as painful as Kelly had anticipated. It was bittersweet, if anything. And heartwarming in a strange way.

"She was beautiful," April commented.

"She was a great person," Kelly deflected. Shay's beauty was on the inside as much as on the outside. "Funny, brave. Headstrong. Sometimes too headstrong."

"I want to know more about her."

"I'm sure everyone here will tell you a plenty of stories."

They mingled with the crowd. First Mouch and Trudy waved them over to their table and Trudy found her match when she tried to intimidate the younger woman. Shortly after Otis joined them, eyes bloodshot. He threw his arm over Mouch's shoulders.

"I just remembered how you advised me to annoy them, so they'd want to get rid of me. When we lived together, remember?" He waved at Severide and sniffed. "It was so..." He shook his head.

Kelly didn't quite remember, but Mouch made a face like he swallowed a bug, eyes wide, mouth tightly clasped.

"What did you do, Randy McHolland?" Trudy asked in a scary voice.

"He told me to play bongos!" Otis nodded with all seriousness and Kelly burst with laughter.

"Oh, yes, that was rather annoying!"

"You're a horrible person, Randy McHolland," Trudy shook her head, disgusted.

Then Mills, at the next table, reminded everyone how they put him up to ask Shay to a date on his first day in the Firehouse, then Cruz told about how they bought her helmet after the accident she and Dawson were in. Capp told about the badass rescue from under the fallen tree that she pulled off. Shay's former partner of a few months, Rafferty – who was now a resident at Lakeshore – accepted Gabby's invitation too. She admitted that she wasn't very tolerant about Shay's "lesbianism", but Leslie had a way of turning everyone and she had no qualms about her right to be treated like a person. They all laughed remembering her complete lack of constraint where her body was concerned. Like, just because she didn't see anything sexually attractive in a bunch of men, it didn't even cross her mind that they might consider her attractive.

"Not that anyone would make a move," Mouch explained to April's terrified glare. Trudy only rolled her eyes, like she wanted to say, 'as if Mouch would make a move on anyone'.

April listened to all those stories avidly and so did Sylvie Brett.

"I replaced her on Ambo," she explained to April. "Never knew her, but had a pretty broad picture of what a character she was. Today I learned that I didn't even know half of it!"

"You're different," said Gabby, patting Sylvie's back. "You bring something else to the House. The hole Leslie left will never be filled, nor it should be." She raised a glass. "To Shay."

They all followed suit. Then they continued talking and laughing and reminiscing. Some tears were shed.

"I heard you guys suffered a loss not long ago too," Kelly asked Trudy and her face tensed. It took her a couple of heartbeats and really rapid blinking to control herself enough to take in another breath. Then she nodded but didn't say anything. That wound was still fresh. Kelly had heard some rumors about the PD investigation at the House then Casey filled him in about the Intelligence's aide, Nadia DeCotis's terrible death but the gist of it happened when he was on his day-off. He wondered how Erin was dealing with everything but he didn't think he was the right person to try and comfort her. They had fallen out since Shay's death and now he might only make matters worse for the mourning girl.

Trudy didn't seem like wanting to talk about it either, she leaned to Mouch and excused herself under the pretense of going to the bathroom. Soon after though, both of them left for home.

Kelly didn't feel so hot either He wiggled out of drinking beer, stuck to soda instead, but his head was swimming anyway.

"Are you alright, Lieutenant?" asked Mills, who took the spot previously occupied by Trudy. "You look like you're not all here."

"I'm..." Kelly shook his head and waved his hand in a meaningless loop.

"I know. It is a tough day. And maybe it's not the best moment, but maybe it is. I wanted to talk to you and Lieutenant Casey about something. Could we?..."

Kelly's attention perked up. They found Casey laughing with Rafferty and Cruz, grabbed him and, per Mills's request, went outside. It was late and it was cold, Kelly shivered in his leather jacket as the gust of wind hit him. The news Mills had, left him even colder.

The kid seemed happy though, if it was any consolation. His family inherited a restaurant, it was a great news for his mother who struggled since their old restaurant had burned down almost two years ago. His sister was in love with the place as well and it was obvious from the smile on Mills's face that he was pretty excited too. He liked cooking after all and feeding people.

"I think that I fulfilled my father's legacy here, I think he'd be proud of me. For that I will be forever grateful to all of you. But it's time for me to move on. I want to tell everyone next shift, but I wanted the two of you to be prepared. Chief already knows as well."

"Seems like you have decided." Casey extended his hand and shook Mills's. "That only leaves me with one choice and that is to wish you luck."

"Gonna miss you, Mills." Kelly was much less eloquent as he grabbed the kid in a tight embrace.

"You're not gonna cry, are you Lieutenant?" Mills chuckled and Kelly just patted his back with a small tense laugh.

"Good luck."

What more there was to say? As they were headed back to the pub Kelly grabbed Matt's elbow and had him wait for Mills to get inside.

"Could you..." he asked under his breath once they were alone, "Could you ask April to come out here? I'm tired, I'd like to go home."

Casey assessed him briefly, then nodded. "Sure thing."

"And... Thank Gabby for everything from me. And the guys. It's beautiful what they did today."

Matt grabbed his arm clumsily in an half-assed attempt at a hug, and restrained himself to a tight wordless squeeze. April joined Kelly outside in a minute and they drove home in silence. When she parked under his apartment building, Kelly wasn't sure what to do.

"Would you like to come in?" he tried, but April must have read his mind.

"Are you sure?" She smiled. "You would have to make me some tea, or serve me beer and we'd have to talk. You look like you just want to sleep, Kelly, not entertain me." She patted his thigh. "Go and get some rest. It was a tough evening. But lovely too and I'm really sad I didn't get to meet your best friend. I think I would have liked her."

"Yeah," Kelly smiled at her softly. "I'm sure she would have liked you too."

t.b.c.

A/N: The two things that happened in canon were mentioned briefly here, because I need to clarify some things going forward. They aren't essential to the plot, so they're only skimmed over, but I wanted to avoid confusion.

Thank you for reading. :)