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Chapter 9 – Collapsing chart houses of lies!
Park near Spinner's End, Cokeworth, July 1978
Severus tried with all his might to stay calm, to not lose his cool and lash out at Petunia in a violent, unforgivable, their fragile friendship destroying rant. But her demonization of Lily really was difficult to endure with a stony face because he loved Lily despite her engagement to James and would defend her against any unfair attacks. And Petunia's jibes at her character and their friendship really were mostly lies. Therefore, he wanted to collapse her chart house of lies with his side of the story in an explosive, snarky reply. But he had promised Petunia to never judge her unfairly and always try to understand her reasoning. Besides that, he really didn't want to lose their new friendship and companionship, because he didn't have anyone to talk to besides her and it seemed like she could understand his feelings of feeling unwanted, alone and rejected. So, Severus developed a plan inside his head to make her see Lily in a more positive light without driving her away. He just needed to up his game to change her opinion about Lily.
Hence, Severus awaited calmly the end of Petunia's rant, put a sneer on his face and commented in a sarcastic tone, "Wow, Petunia. I always knew that you cast a shadow on Lily thanks to your envy of her magical powers and her preferential treatment by your parents. But I could never quite imagine that she is a wolf in sheep's clothes to you. Because in the end, one fact still remains. She is your baby sister. Someone you should care deeply about and try to protect. Not someone you should badmouth in front of her former best friend. I can imagine that always being in her shadow must have been hard for you and it wasn't right of your parents to treat you so differently. But sometimes life isn't fair and deals you an unfortunate fate. To escape this fate, you must try to shine in your own way or find anything that makes you feel happy and love yourself.
"Believe me, I haven't found this special something and have long lost hope in achieving anything worthwhile in this life because nobody wants to have to do anything with me. And my dreams of becoming a famous Potions researcher are impossible for me to reach without any connections in the Potions industry or money to think of. And although my marks in Potions have been exceptional, I won't get a scholarship for a Potions Mastery without the support of at least one potioneer or exuding the aura of some intellectual, socially competent and ethical acting goody-two-shoes. As I don't have the support of Professor Slughorn or more likely exude the aura of some snarky, antisocial and morally questionable git, my dreams of becoming a Potions researchers are shattered to the ground. But enough of my wallowing in self-pity. I originally wanted to point something out to you.
"If your environment – Lily, your parents, your college mates – doesn't appreciate you, start to find out who you are and who you want to be. Because in my opinion, nothing makes your family prouder than you being happy and living your life. Sure, I could abstract from your confession that you tried some things to gain the favor of your parents and nothing worked out from your point of view Perhaps your parents don't even realize how unfairly treated and unloved you feel. I'm sure that they love you as much as Lily and appreciate your achievements like studying taxation at the renowned University of Warwick, but they don't express their feelings as open or often as they should.
"Most likely, they think that you don't need their support or praise as much as Lily. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to excuse their behavior towards you, I only want you to see some things out of their perspective. Like me, you radiate an aura of an independent, snarky and emotionally composed person that doesn't need to hear the words "I love you" everyday or needs to be sheltered from some horrible truths. Perhaps, your parents see you as this grown-up person and don't express their feelings towards you as they should. I'm sure if you wouldn't bottle everything up into yourself and talk with them freely about your feelings of being neglected and unloved, they would change their behavior and reassure you about their love. So, in my opinion, it really is only a huge miscommunication case on both sides.
"Very likely, they also aren't happy about the frosty relationship between you and Lily. Think about it like that. If you had two little girls as children, you would want them to be the best friends, trusting and loving each other unconditionally. Not two stubborn idiots who fight and badmouth each other all the time. So, in my books, an improved relationship with Lily would also help your case with your parents. And really, Petunia. See reason, Lily isn't the bad person you make her out to be." Severus added his speech with a compassionate look into her eyes, that tried to express his understanding of her situation, but also should urge her to overthink some of her attitudes towards Lily, because Severus really couldn't stand her hostility towards his former best friend.
Petunia was stunned by Severus words because she really had expected him to lash out at her. But alas, he tried to understand her, urged her to be the better person and opened her eyes to some other perspectives. Petunia appreciated this and tried to overthink some situations in her past. Perhaps, her parents really weren't aware that Petunia felt like the unloved, not so brilliant daughter. Storing this new revelation in the back of her mind, Petunia couldn't back down from her negative image of Lily. She really wanted Severus to see her as a human with flaws and weaknesses because his image of her wasn't healthy at all. It only caused him to see her as an idealized, god-like illusion that would shape his view of other women and always keep him trapped in his love for her. Therefore, Petunia breathed deeply and focussed on getting through to him.
"You're right, Severus. Lily isn't all bad and my parents might actually be not aware of my hurt feelings. But although the might hurt me unintentionally, they still hurt me and should be more perceptive towards me. I'll talk to them in the following days about my feelings because I now get it. Bottling up everything and wallowing in your self-pity doesn't do you any good. It really only intensifies your dark thoughts and hurt feelings. Opening up is the key to heal and change situations.
"Albeit I understand your reasoning, I must disagree with your assessment of your future. I don't know how things work in the Magical world. But if you are a talented, genius Potions brewer, you will undoubtedly get your scholarship, because talent counts the most. So don't bury your head in the sand. Start searching actively for a scholarship or an apprenticeship and you most likely will get it. You only have to believe in yourself and see a future for you as a Potioner. Like I see my future in studying taxation and working as a tax accountant so that I do everything possible to achieve this, you need to work as hard towards your goal of being renown in the Potions industry. And you can only accomplish this if you start acting self-confident, think positive and believe in your chance.
"But your self-confidence issues and bleak future perspective isn't our contentious point right now. Our hot-button issue right now is Lily because we see her in two totally different lights. Whereas you see her as a kindhearted, magically talented lovely young woman with a solid moral compass, I see her as a superficial, seeking her own advantage human without any values like loyalty or empathy. I guess that our images of Lily are both shaped by our own feelings towards her and neither is totally correct, perhaps we should split the difference because neither of our images is healthy. So, Severus, what do you say? Are you ready to see Lily in a darker light?"
Severus was pleased that Petunia had started to overthink her behavior towards her parents and Lily. He also was stunned about her insistence, that he could achieve his dreams in the Magical world if he only started to believe in himself. Therefore, Severus only laughed shortly and answered Petunia's nagging in an amused sounding tone.
"Petunia, I don't know what false impression you do have about my image of Lily. Sure, I'm in love with her albeit her engagement to this arrogant bully Potter and admire her for her magical talent and her fiery character. But I don't worship her like an infallible goddess. I realize that she oftentimes acts superficial, without thinking her actions through and too concerned with the expectations of her environment. But she still is a kindhearted, nice and empathetic person at the core of her heart. Don't get me wrong. I know that she always dreamed of a life without any financial woes, mean gossip and insecurities and marrying Potter will secure these for her. I'm totally pissed at her for betraying our friendship by loving Potter the boy who made my life in Hogwarts a living hell and hates me for my very existence. I know that best friends wouldn't betray each other's trust like this, despite any hurt feelings and misconceptions they might have. And I resent Lily's shallowness as well as her taking the easy way out of a difficult situation and cutting all ties to me over one insult.
"But I still love her for being my only friend while growing up, listening to my sorrows, sharing her dreams with me and standing up to my bullies for a time. Because this is what she did until two years ago. She talked to me in our free time in Hogwarts, met me for silly playing dates, tried to improve my mood with jokes or defended me against the namecalling and bullying of the Marauders despite our growing distance. I know that we both made mistakes in our friendship. I wish I could turn back time and take some words back or have a chance to be her friend again because I accepted deep down in the back of my mind that she will never see me as boyfriend material.
"As painful as this truth is, I still have to live with it and possibly never experience true love in my life because I can't think of any woman I could ever love as deeply as Lily. Sure, I'm still young and don't know where my life will take me. Besides that, I realize that my unrequited love for Lily isn't true love and not a healthy emotion because true love evolves its strength due to being a mutual, happy experience and my obsession with Lily closes my heart for potential new loves. But I can't change my feelings. So, Petunia, you see that I don't see Lily as this flawless, beautiful goddess? I know everything about her flaws but still love her nonetheless. Can you also say from the bottom of your heart, that you hate Lily? Or is your envy and pain clouding your mind?"
Petunia was shocked by Severus' image of Lily. She really thought that his love blinded him to any flaws of her character. But it didn't seem to be the case. He loved her despite her flaws and betrayal. Petunia reflected Severus words for some minutes and answered him honestly.
"Severus, I didn't know that you were aware of Lily's flaws because I believed in the saying "Love makes blind". And I still think that you idealize Lily in some way because you recall her behavior towards you in a reality-deceiving light. But you are on to something here. You are right, that I still love Lily in a hidden place in my heart because she is my baby sister and I miss our childhood closeness terribly. Sure, I'm overly critical of her behavior and character because I envy her for her easy-going nature, flawless beauty and popularity. But nonetheless, she has some terrible flaws like tendencies to betrayal close friends, cast aspersions on humans to support her case and act superficially. I promise you despite these facts, that I'll try to establish a friendly relationship between us again and open up to her about my feelings. But you have to promise me in return that you won't close off your heart to love thanks to Lily's rejection because it isn't healthy and only makes you miserable. Do we have a deal?"
Petunia looked at Severus imploringly with huge, sapphire-blue puppy eyes.