Disclaimer: Don't own.

A/N: To people who write/like songfics: don't hate me. This is just making fun of those ridiculously out-of-context, overly emotional, Mary Sue songfics. You know they're out there.

Another A/N because I just can't shut up: This chapter made funnier if you know Akon's song 'Lonely', and Gackt's 'Redemption', which is the song in Japanese…. Duh.

Final Fantasy VII: The Musical

Cloud was just hanging around. You know, because being tied to a jagged rock of which origin is hell while being circled by avian scavengers that were the harbingers of ultimate doom is just what Cloud does. As well as influencing the author to the utilisation of emo-descriptions.

"Emoemoemo," Cloud muttered as he made no struggle at all to escape the rope. What made this even more pathetic was that it was the simplest knot ever, tied with Loz's skipping rope. Cloud sighed, depressed because both Aerith and Tifa were now taken… he knew about Tifa because he heard said avian scavengers talking about it. Yes, Cloud knows bird-speak, as if his hair wasn't enough of an indicator.

That's what I get for being so slow on the uptake… from a choice of two hot girls to zilch. Nada. Nothing.

Suddenly, and he didn't know where from, there was music.

"Lonely, I'm so loo-O-onely, I have no bodyyyyyy, to call my OW-n, I'm so lonely, I'm Mr. Lone-LY, I have no BOd-yYY, to CA-ll my ooo-OOOOOOO-o-own…"

Cloud decided to wallow for a while and listen to the music, because not listening would be rude.

"Yo this one here goes out to all my playas out there man. Ya kno got to have one good girl tho whose always been there. Like ya Kno took all the bullshit then one day she can't take it no more and decides to leave…"

Such ambience… such darkness… Cloud thought.

"I wont up in the middle of the night and I noticed my girl wasn't by my side, coulda sworn I was dreamin, for her I was FEE-lin…"

…

"So I hadda take a little ride, back tracking ova these few years, tryna figure out wat I do to make it go bad, cuz Ever since my girl left me, my whole left life came crashin and…"

Cloud felt it. The sudden, unexplained, change of character that came with strategically placed songs that were more or less the fan fiction equivalent of, "Git off yo ass and do something," or, alternately, "BOO HOO :dark ambience: LET'S MOSEY! WAHHH!"

"Lonely, I'm so loo-O-onely, I have no bodyyyyyy, to call my OW-n, I'm so lonely, I'm Mr. Lone-LY, I have no BOd-yYY, to CA-ll my ooo-OOOOOOO-o-own…"

Fortunately, both Cloud and the readers were spared another verse or chorus when Cloud decided that he really had no reason to be depressed, got out of the 'bindings' in ten seconds, and started walking back towards Kalm.

The poor sucker.

OoOoOoOoOo

"We need to talk."

Vincent was just about to have a nice, mature, conversation with Lucrecia, Tifa, and the bartender (You guessed it… Lucrecia was still half-blind) when the place fell into chaos.

Again.

"Yeah, Rude!" Reno cheered, "Way to go, man!"

After the initial small explosion, Rude had converted the air-freshener and the lighter into a makeshift flamethrower.

"That's exactly how I got kicked out of Wutai…" Yuffie reminisced as Tseng scolded Rude.

"I am afraid that as your superior, I cannot let you risk collateral damage," Tseng said like the official, tense, one-dimensional prude that 86 per cent of people perceive him to be.

"Um… Yeah!" Elena piped, wanting to be on Tseng's side.

"Boo, you whore," Reno hissed at Elena. She slapped him.

"Let's go play poker outside, where there is no risk of our clothes burning," Reeve said to Barret, Cid, and Yuffie.

"Gawd $& knows they're a $$in' commodity," Cid quipped.

Red stayed behind, watching the disorder abound. He decided to sing to relieve the tension. What else?

"Shizuka ni sora ni kaeru anata no sugata wo…"

"…Tifa, Lucrecia, we cannot dodge around this any longer. We must-"

"Yeah, yeah. Random Bartender, you can leave," Tifa said.

"Don't let her get me," Random Bartender whispered to Vincent, glaring pointedly at Lucrecia.

"Vincent…" Lucrecia started, getting a glare from Tifa. What a happy group. "All these years ago… I didn't know, I was so confused…"

"Namida ga kareru made zutto mitsumete ita…" Red sang merrily.

Vincent gave Tifa A Look. The Look meant, "Shut up. Go away for a bit. This is important." Tifa was smart enough to understand, fortunately enough, and just nodded. She personally prided herself on her tact, she'd be damned if she were to lose it now.

"I… I didn't… I wasn't sure what to do, there were hardly any options…"

"Oreta tsubasa wo habatakase
subete wo keshite miseyou
itsu no hi ka owari wo mukaeru
saigo no kane ga nari yamu made,"

"But why, Lucrecia? Why were you so…?" Vincent struggled to find a word. Since 'stupid' was too ungentle-manly and 'naïve' was too condescending and therefore unlikely to produce honest answers, he settled for, "Foolish…?"

Which was hardly an improvement, but bear with me. This is a Dramatic Sequence we're experiencing, here.

"you told me
live as if you were to die tomorrow
feel as if you were to be reborn now
face as if you need to give me a fiver, bitch,"

Red was enjoying himself, unaware of the drama that he was accompanying.

Lucrecia started crying, earning a look of pity from Vincent, and a look of revulsion from Tifa, who had backed off from the table a bit. It was none of her business, as far as she was concerned.

"And-and, it was so, so hard for me, I never got to hold my own child," she lied, "and then, I realized… my son would be EVIL!"

"Furueru yubi de akai namida wo nazotta
I had nothing to lose,
nothing truth…"

"Lucrecia, calm down… I think you were not ready for such responsibility…" Vincent said.

"No… I wasn't," Lucrecia said, between sobs.

"Itsu ka wa kono sora ni dare mo ga kaeru kara
wakare no kotoba wa iranai
Make it up!"

"Vincent… I hope you can forgive me for not telling you the whole truth, for not being there with you."

Vincent, probably the only person in the room who could take such sap and keep a straight face, said, "What, what is it, Lucrecia?"

"Oreta tsubasa wo habatakase
subete wo keshite miseyou
itsu no hi ka owari wo mukaeru
saigo no kane ga nari yamu made!"

"Hojo..." Lucrecia started, freely bawling now,

"Yes?" Vincent leaned forward slightly, partly to better hear Lucrecia over the din Red was making, and mainly because he wanted to add a reason to his 'Reasons to Hate Hojo' list, which he cherished in the front pocket of his cape and read every night. The list currently had 665 reasons.

"Yasashii dake no kotoba nara
ima no boku wa iyasenai-"

"Hojo…" Lucrecia couldn't finish her sentence.

"Go on Lu, I know you can do it," Vincent said, relishing the excessive drama in the air.

"-Hateshinaku tsuzuku tatakai ni
kono mi wo subete sasageru dake"

"HOJO WAS BETTER IN BED THAN YOU WERE!" Lucrecia shouted, forcing the dark melodrama out of the depths of her soul, finally letting out the pain and loss along with her tears…etcetera, etcetera, and etcetera.

"RE-DEEE-EE-EMP-SHUN!"

"...He was? ...I mean, WHAT!" Vincent wailed disbelievingly.

"RE-DEEE-EE-EMP-SHUN!"

All flame-throwing action stopped.

"WHAT!" The rest of the patrons chorused… you've guessed it, disbelievingly. Hey, this is Vincent's luck we're talking about. Of course everyone, including Tifa, had heard Lucrecia's shout.

"What?" Red asked, not having paid attention, too immersed in his 'lovely', melodramatic singing.

Vincent's already bruised and battered male ego decided to go on holiday to the Northern Crater to mope, and hopefully, to never return and suffer more wounds. Which left Vincent with two per cent of the confidence he'd had two minutes ago. Which is saying something.

Well, here's reason number 666, Vincent thought…

…And promptly fainted. Melodramatically, of course.

A/N: I love the word melodrama. Bet you can't tell. Anyway, I hope this turned out amusing; I've wanted to write a songfic for ages… mwahahahaha… all hail sarcastic chapters!