Who Am I To Judge
~(~
When she's left alone with the pair, she feels like the third wheel again. It had taken years of kisses on her cheeks and whispers of nothings in her ear in order to feel like she was not bothering him; a decade of trust to get where they were before the damned med-pod. She sometimes wonders what it would have been like had she not of pushed them to go into the field, and if they would have died during the Hydra attack.
She thinks it would have been the better option.
She hates this hell on earth. She hates the pain that he tries to hide behind his eyes, the guilty looks Mack sends her whenever she gets within a yard of Fitz. She hates Ward for throwing away his life when he pressed that button, but most of all, she hates herself for not thinking of another way out, and for not telling him that she loves him too.
She misses the physical contact that followed them everywhere, the way that he was always pressed into her shoulder while they worked even though they both knew that there was an ample amount of space in the lab for them to be on opposite sides. She misses the flirting and sarcasm that flowed easily between them, that spark of innocents in love that she is sure they will never get back. She misses the lingering glances between them, the way that he would grab her hand when she was anxious, and the way that he hugged her tightly after being without her for more then a few hours.
The decade she had with him will never be enough, she knows, but at the same time she thinks that God is punishing her. She never did believe in a God, but she found herself gravitating towards the idea when Fitz was in a coma, praying that there was some way to explain the suffering she was going through. Because that's what humans do, she realizes, they dream up figurines in times of trouble in order to place the blame on someone else when the matter of fact is that it is their fault alone.
She prays that one day she can look at him without seeing hell every time she stares into his soul, and by the proximity in which he is standing next to her right now, she believes that it is possible.
~(~
Hi everyone! Just a couple of things, if you are reading my fic Killing Her Softly, I am taking it down for now as I am unhappy with some mistakes with it. Also, I am in the process of drafting a Fitzsimons Au which should be out by next week. Thank you all for sticking with me! Please Review! xoxoxo