Attack on Titan: Left Behind

Chapter 9

-Year 845 before the Fall of Wall Maria, ten days before 30th Expedition-

Alexandra Ritter was slumping on her desk in the back of the class, propping her chin on both hands and gazing vaguely at the serene blue sky adorned with drifting fluffy clouds through the open window beside her. The chill of autumn was strangely comforting, blowing her auburn hair with temptation to go outside and spend the day in the gleaming sunlight. All she felt like doing was taking a stroll onto the grounds, perhaps reading a book on the grass or having a picnic alone by the nearest lake; she would love to go swimming if the water was not too chilly. But for the recruits in the Survey Corps, wishing to have free time to enjoy the beautiful day of autumn was a mere fantasy to the point of stupidity. The day of 30th expedition was drawing near, and after the grand cleaning project had ended (Alex had completed eighty percent of the massive cleaning duty all by herself and her peers—who all nearly burst into tears on the last day—had thanked her because the grumpy superior had finally stopped throwing a fit at them), the recruits had no time to relax blissfully. Their schedule was so full; did they have to learn the basic survival skills, logistics distribution, and scouting formation, all the drills and 3DM Gear training had become more demanding than before. It seemed like they must cram all the knowledge into their heads in a limited amount of time. Even so, they had accepted the enormous workload that got increasingly onerous without complaints because it was so much better than having another round of cleaning duty.

Team Leader Dita Ness taught the class this morning, talking in detail about the Long-Distance Enemy Scouting Formation and the specific roles of each position. The chain of command between relay teams, enemy detection squad backup and front line squads was so complicated that most of the class barely understood what the veteran soldier had explained. Thankfully, he was patient enough to repeat his instructions twice or thrice or even start explaining the subject all over again. After an hour, Alex thought the shapes of the clouds in the sky were a thousandfold more interesting than the possibilities of all the worst-case scenarios that could happen on field.

Gerard Warner sat beside her, scribbling on his note and nudging her softly. "What should we do if the titans break the outer line of defense?" he whispered.

Still looking outside the window, Alex whispered back, "Bring them down immediately with all that you've got before they reach the center."

"Including the Deviants?"

"Especially the Deviants."

In front of her, Emory Keegan and Kenneth Rodhlann turned around to look at her, clearly overhearing their whispering, both looking very anxious.

"Aren't they the most dangerous?" said Emory in a low voice.

Yawning, Alex watched the crusty brown and tawny leaves whirled around in a circle like a small tornado. "Yes, that's why you must bring them down immediately," she whispered again. "They could obliterate the whole battalion in a blink of an eye. We don't want that to happen, do we?"

The three of them exchanged aghast looks then jotted down this crucial information. It was probably the anticipation of the upcoming encounter with titans that got on everyone's nerves. Alex never meant to treat her comrades condescendingly; she was willing to share her experience with anyone who asked about fighting titans. However, every time she gave a wealth of detail about what had really happened on her first expedition, her listeners fell unnaturally silent with despairing looks on their faces. Instead of becoming some sort of inspiration, the chilling tale of fighting hordes of Deviants in the wild in an extremely bad weather had crushed their morale to dust, and Alex had come into a realization that honesty was not always the best policy. Since then, she only told a few things she thought would ease their stress.

When all the interestingly shaped clouds had drifted away, Alex fell asleep for the rest of lecture until the ringing bell woke her up. She quickly shoved her belongings into her bag and followed Gerard, Kenneth, and Emory outside the class.

Sophie Aumont joined them as they set off down the staircase. "Do you think we can win against titans?" she asked to no one in particular.

"We'll be avoiding them, not fighting," said Emory in a placatory tone. "Typical titans won't keep up with our horses on long distance racing."

"But, but what if we have to fight them? " said Sophie apprehensively, flipping the pages of her notebook. "Should we immobilize them or go straight to the nape? Did you even hear Leader Dita saying that our chance of survival is fifty percent?"

"Relax, titans are not that terrifying," said Alex. "They are slow and dumb. Most of them don't pose any threats. If they do, a simple diversion trick will be enough. It's the Deviants you should be very—"

"You sound more and more like Squad Leader Hange," Gerard cut in. "You shouldn't hang out with her too often, she'll make you insane."

"Speaking of Squad Leader Hange, I asked her about a few tips on how to handle Deviants yesterday," said Emory, "the way she spoke so fondly about them, you might think she was talking about her cuddly kittens."

"Sounds like the sort of mental thing that mad woman would say," said Kenneth derisively. "I guess she's not right in the head."

"Don't say things like that about Squad Leader Hange," said Alex reprovingly to Kenneth. "And Deviants are more interesting. It's a little bit tricky to kill them, they are so weird and unpredictable, one second they are very calm, the next second they chase you like there's no tomorrow. If we encounter them, make sure you don't—"

"Exactly how many titans have you killed?" Kenneth interrupted.

"I'm not keeping record on that," said Alex.

"C'mon, just a rough count," said Gerard, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "I know you killed lots of them. Ten? Fifteen?"

Alex scratched her temple. "Well, I'm not quite sure, but... maybe 36 titans, I guess."

"What the hell?!" said Kenneth, gaping at her.

"That even higher kill counts than most regular soldiers in two years!" said Sophie.

"I said I'm not sure," Alex reminded. "It could be lower—"

"Or higher," Emory continued with an impressed voice. "You're really amazing."

"Is it really that great?" asked Alex as they walked out of the castle into the backyard.

"Great, you say?" Gerard repeated incredulously. "It's freaking badass!"

"Captain Levi is much more badass than me," said Alex. "I'm nothing compared to him."

"Really?" said Kenneth, sounding highly interested. "How is he on battlefield?"

They strode down the stone steps along with other recruits while discussing about the might of Humanity's Strongest Soldier, and for the very first time, Alex's story managed to really lift up their spirit. Kenneth demanded blow-by-blow account of the incident after Captain Levi and Alex got separated from the main troops but the talk ended abruptly when the recruits reached the warehouse, and they hastily prepped to start 3DM Gear training.

"I hope this will end soon," said Sophie glumly, throwing her bag onto the rack and reaching for her gear.

"If you're really worried about fighting titans, you should be practicing more," said Alex, jumping to take her gear but she still couldn't reach it.

Sophie sank on the bench, idly fastening the straps. "I know, but this is very boring… Not so different with boot camp…"

"Why are the higher rank officers watching our training today?" said Kenneth, looking at the window. There was a long line of veterans on the horseback across the field.

"They will gauge our skills?" said Emory, helping Alex to take her gear after she had tried to climb up the rack and almost made the whole wooden shelf collapse on her. "For the squad placement? We still don't know where we'll be stationed."

"It's too much for an evaluation, don't you think?" said Gerard, popping his head out of the window. "Squad Leader Mike, and Captain Levi, bunch of Team Leaders from the first squad — hey, even Commander Erwin is there!"

Sophie suddenly sprang up and rushed to the window, pushing Gerard aside. "Seriously?! Where is he?!"

Erwin Smith was among the veterans on the front line. Riding his white stallion, he was talking with Mike Zacharius and clutching a clipboard. Sophie let out a muffled squeal and hurtled back to the equipment shelves, installing her gear at an incredible speed.

Alex strode to her side while adjusting her gear. "This is just my hunch," she said, eyeing Sophie suspiciously, "does your dream to join Survey Corps have something to do with Commander Erwin?"

"Let's discuss it later, now it's time for training!" said Sophie eagerly, her face positively glowing with delight; she just finished filling her gas cylinders. "All right! I'll do my best!" Then she ran off and disappeared among the throng.

"What's she so excited about?" Emory asked as he started to load the blades into the scabbard. "She looked like she was about to cry out of boredom a moment ago."

"I've no idea," said Alex, checking the valves of her gas cylinders and making a mental note to interrogate her after the training was over.

After all the preparations had been completed, the recruits filed out of the warehouse, marching straight into the forest. Sophie already stood on the start line, her blades unsheathed.

"Do you want to bet?" said Emory quietly to Gerard as they lined up. "Alex will clear all the targets and finish in less than ten minutes."

"God damn it, are you serious?" asked Gerard, smirking. "I thought we're done taking advantage of our friend."

Emory offered a handshake. "Not until I get my money back for all the sandwiches," he said firmly.

"You're still salty with that?" Gerard cackled and shook his hand. "Game on! Mine is—

"What are you doing?" said Alex, suddenly squeezing herself between them. Seeing them shaking hands with almost identical grins on their faces, she groaned. "You two are betting on me again…"

Erwin blew his whistle. The fact that all the higher ups, including the Commander who rarely stepped outside his office, were observing their training made the recruits soar into the sky with a highly charged atmosphere that led up to several brutal crashes in midair, too much swearing, and a lot of scathing retorts about foul play; everyone was evidently trying to do their best. By the end of the practice, Erwin was generally satisfied with their performances: all of them were particularly good with the titans hunting with the top ten graduates dominating the highest scores, but no one accomplished full marks except Alex, who had outflown everyone, slashed all the targets with incredible speed and spectacular maneuvers and passed the finish line in less than ten minutes.

"It's rare to see such promising soldiers joining us," said Erwin as he dismounted and led his horse to the stables. "Especially the one with the most troublesome history."

Beside him, Levi tied his horse's rein to the peg. "Are you talking about Alex?"

"I've checked her civilian records," said Erwin as they strode across the yard toward the fence on the perimeter. "An orphanage in Wall Maria took her in after she fled from the Millford Manor, and she stayed there until she was of age for military enrollment."

"So that's where she went…" said Levi thoughtfully. "What of it?"

"It makes me wonder where she learned how to fight. She's too excellent for her own good. It's a bit off, don't you think?"

Levi cast him a suspicious look. "Why are you so interested in her?"

"Why are you so interested with my interest in her?"

"Because the only interest you have is collecting strong pawns for your plans," said Levi, leaning against the fence and staring dispassionately at the recruits who were getting ready for the next training. "That's what made you interested with me in the first place."

"Hey!" Hange Zoe screamed, leaping over the fence to join them. "How's the training going?" And without waiting for an answer, "Can I have Alex in my squad?" she asked hopefully to Erwin. "I really need an assistant—"

"She's in mine, shitty glasses," said Levi abruptly.

"—for documenting research the progress," Hange continued as if Levi had not spoken. "I tell you, she's been a great help. She's the best assistant ever, only second to Moblit, and my next project is probably the biggest experiment I'll ever commence and I'm a bit short-handed so I need extra soldiers in my squad, especially her!"

"And I need a moment of silence to concentrate on grading the recruits," said Erwin, turning a sheet on his clipboard. "Will you kindly stop talking until I finish?"

Hange pursed her lips and crossed her arms. The next evaluation was hand-to-hand combat, which was a good exercise to sharpen reflexes and maintain stamina but obviously useless against titans. Even the recruits thought so; because the 3DM Gear practice had drained most of their energy, no one looked very enthusiastic to begin the drill as Mike instructed them to divide into pairs. Emory just put up a fight and gave what he believed as an acceptable amount of effort before being thrown a few feet away by Kenneth. He landed safely on both feet and appeared to be completely untroubled when Mike declared that he lost the match. Sophie, who kept glancing over her shoulder to where Erwin stood, launched violent attacks with an evident desire to win and nearly dislocated her opponent's pelvis. Alex was partnered with Gerard; she won effortlessly, whereas Gerard was so lousy in hand-to-hand combat it was impossible that he had passed the military boot camp or he simply did not have the heart to hurt her. To nobody's surprise, Alex and Kenneth were the last two standing for the final match.

Forty seven seconds later, Alex was victorious.

"It's almost silly to not give her full marks in every practice," said Erwin, making a small note on his clipboard.

"Why do you need to supervise the training?" asked Hange, watching Mike struggling to hold back Kenneth, who seemed desperate for a rematch.

"I just need to make sure what they're capable of so they won't die too fast on their first expedition," said Erwin casually, flipping the sheet and reading every note he had written down. "The squad placement is quite problematic."

"Oh, I know, put them under his command!" Hange suggested excitedly, looking at Levi. "Young soldiers always look up to you. I'm sure working with you will boost their morale."

"I hate new recruits," said Levi.

"Then give Alex to me, will you?" said Hange expectantly.

Levi frowned. "I hate new recruits but I hate it more if they die because of your fooleries."

"Give her to me and I promise I'll do my best to take care of her."

"Don't talk about her like she's an abandoned cat." He glared at her. "She'll definitely die faster if she's with you."

"No way, I need her alive! I'll keep her safe without a single scratch! Cross my heart and hope to die!"

"As if you won't order her to help you catch titans. Just be grateful I still let her help you with your research reports."

"That's it!" Hange pointed a finger at his face. "That's the proof that it's more beneficial to humanity if she's with me than with you!"

Levi stood bolt upright and took several steps closer to her. "Are you saying I don't do anything useful for the corps?!" he said indignantly.

"Oh yeah, I'm pretty damn sure you don't," said Hange with a scoff. "You abuse your power for personal gain! All she's been doing under your orders are cleaning your office, washing your bed sheets and brewing tea twice a day!"

"That's enough," said Erwin sharply, staring at both of them. The last few days had not been too pleasant for him. Hange and Levi always began to argue whenever they were in close proximity and he had grown weary of their endless bickering over staffing problems. "Hange, your squad already has the most soldiers of all. You can't get anymore soldiers."

Hange turned to Erwin and looked him in the eye. "Transfer her to my squad, please?" she said. "For the sake of humanity? I really need her like I need air to breath."

"You know the protocols," said Erwin. "Transfers between squads need permission from the superior in charge, so it's up to Levi to decide—"

"—and of course I will say no," Levi continued. "Quit loitering, four-eyes. Go play with titans or something."

Hange threw Levi a nasty look then quickly stared imploringly at Erwin again, who shook his head. Erwin's last ultimatum was obviously still fresh in her mind so that she jumped over the fence and headed back to the castle without another protest.

"Have you grown fond of her?" said Erwin.

"What do you mean?" asked Levi.

"Why do you so keen to keep her away from Hange? She seems genuinely enjoying all the works with titan experiment."

"I care for my subordinates," he replied with the same reason he had been repeating for a million times.

Erwin cast him an appraising look for a brief moment, and said, "Yes, I'm sure you do." He smiled faintly and passed him the clipboard. "I have to go. Please continue the evaluation."

"Where are you going?"

"Somewhere important."

Before Levi could ask more Erwin had climbed over the fence and left.

Scowling, Levi clutched the clipboard and trod to the yard. Mike had granted a rematch; Kenneth and Alex were tussling fiercely and the latter had the upper hand when she managed to swipe his foot off the ground. Levi peered over the exultant spectators at the moment she secured her victory; she grinned like a Cheshire cat over Kenneth, who had been pinned down in a brilliant straight-arm bar. Levi smirked; a soldier who easily kicked everyone's ass really suited her better than a weeping little girl. Alex looked up at Levi, and their eyes met for a moment. She released her opponent and got to her feet, smiling at him as she hurrying past him to the next training ground. Even though she was covered with dirt, her hair was matted, her damp bangs plastered to her forehead and there was a large smudge of earth on her face, Levi couldn't help but to find her smile utterly sweet.

-A week before 30th Expedition-

Expedition meant a lot of preparations and rehearsals, because a tiny flaw in the plan and the smallest blunder could mean an annihilation of the entire brigade, but no other officers were half as busy as Hange Zoe. Not only did she have to deal with immense and toilsome paperwork as the squad leader of the fourth squad, her titan research required full attention and she was always completely absorbed in her study that she usually forgot to eat, sleep, and take a bath. She usually fell asleep in her office, drooling on her desk, and was surrounded by enormous books, charts and diagrams of research results, and file upon file of logistics reports. She definitely would have died because of the strain of overwork if her personal squad had not intervened to take over some of her work. Hange dubbed her personal squad as 'The Holy Chosen Few', self-sacrificing saints who had greatly contributed to unravel the mysteries of titans, while the other soldiers called her personal squad as 'The Miserable Chosen Few', which was more appropriate. Just imagining all the dead threats that had waited for them in the outside world, doubled with overwhelming workload from commencing experiment, and tripled with the obligation to keep an eye on the eccentric scientist all the time, misery was the best word of choice to represent Hange's personal squad.

And today, Hange summoned the four of them, along with Alex as the guest of honor, in her office for the last briefing.

"Okay, this is the plan," said Hange, tapping the map on the board with a ruler. "If the expedition goes well, we'll have two opportunities for night observation. First, in the forest around Dieburg Fortress, where we'll test the prototype of my trap, and second, we'll be scouting the forest around Rotwand Hill, which means, we'll commence two separate experiment in a limited amount of time. Nifa, I leave you with the preparations for the scouting. Matt and Keiji, you two handle all the logistics, I expect you'll find a way to dismantle my trap for transport without breaking the important parts. And Moblit" — she pointed the ruler straight at him — "whatever I'll do, don't scream or yell at me to back away. No matter what will happen, don't, make a sound, at all. Just stay behind me and write down whatever I'll be saying. Understand?"

Moblit Berner nodded stiffly, but the moment Hange turned to the board and resumed her explanation, he looked around at his squadmates as though asking for moral support: Keiji clapped his back noiselessly; Matt shook his head, taking off his glasses and wiping the lenses with the tip of his jacket; Nifa kept taking notes but gave him a 'just-do-whatever-she-says' sort of look from the corner of her eyes. It seemed their motivations to stick with the whole grueling procedures solely fueled by the commitment to keep their squad leader alive rather than to learn something about titans.

"I'd love to check all of these spots, but it will be impossible," Hange went on, staring at the map. "Alex, which place should we check first? The east or northwest?"

"I'll say northwest," said Alex, pointing the dot with the notation 'biggest nope ever'. "The terrain is more convenient for utilizing 3DM Gear, if things go awry. And the titans there are not as hostile as in the east, which is mostly occupied by Deviants."

Alex was more than excited to participate in the upcoming experiment; however, Hange had finally given up the idea to recruit her. After persistent wheedling and pleading, restocking all the cleaning supplies, and even bribing with the finest black tea on the market, which had cost two months paycheck, Hange had grudgingly accepted that the only way she could free Alex from Levi's grasp was to ask him for a duel to kill.

"This is so much work…" Hange grumbled after the briefing was over. She packed her things and trudged out of her office. "So many things I've to do in one night. If only I had more manpower…"

Alex trotted behind her, clutching thick documents. "No other soldiers ever volunteered to help you, ma'am?"

"Nope, how could they don't understand such beauty?!" said Hange dramatically. "I wonder what is wrong with their lives."

Alex refrained from saying that not the slightest bit of titans had anything to do with beauty but decided to not challenge Hange's peculiar views. "Maybe they don't have interest in titans," she commented after Hange had jabbered relentlessly all the way to her laboratory.

"Yeah, shame on them." Hange unlocked the door at the end of the corridor and pushed it open. "All right, here it is! My lab!"

Alex set a foot inside and looked around; her first impression was the laboratory was so sinister that children would run away from it in tears. The shaft of light from the wide window revealed a stuffy, crammed and dusty room lined with shelves of books along the wall. Research equipments—piles of moldy-looking books, old microscopes, Bunsen burners, beakers, funnels, glass tubes, and vats of colorful chemicals—were scattered on a long wooden workbench in the center. However, the eerie atmosphere emitted from the various extraneous objects in the room: hideous sketches of titans in different size were pinned on the wide blackboard on the wall, Alex recognized a few of her drawings were there too; cases full of jars in which floated icky bits of unknown specimens stood beside the door; an assorted selection of maces, spears, swords, battleaxes, war hammers, and many other archaic weapons were on display behind the desk under the window, she thought those weapons were enough to defend the palace of the King, or break into it. In a corner—beside a crate filled with mallets, metal stakes and long harpoons—the hazardous-looking metal equipments, which she had seen in Hange's bedroom, had been assembled with thick cords into something like a gigantic net.

"It's always a mess like this so don't bother cleaning it up, it will be a total destruction again in the next second," said Hange, moving very carefully to the desk so as to avoid knocking over stuff. "Thank goodness Levi never came here. Take a look around as you like, maybe there's something you'll be interested, but don't touch the bottommost drawer of my desk if you still prefer your limbs attach to your body."

Alex dropped the documents on the workbench and her attention was drawn to the pile of books. "Can I read this?" she asked excitedly.

"Read whatever you like," said Hange as she began to sign reports on her desk. "Most of them are my science books. I don't know if you'll like it."

"Ma'am, this is wonderful!" Alex sat down and pulled the topmost book, starting to scan the first chapter. After a few minutes, she asked. "So, formaldehyde didn't work for titans?"

"Nope, nothing could delay the evaporation," Hange answered from behind the barricade of piling reports, "that's why I never got valuable samples."

"I see… I understand where you got the idea to capture and dissect them alive, but have you ever thought of another preservative?"

"I'm glad you ask!" Hange hurried to the workbench and opened the largest book. "Here! Take a look at my journal, I've made a list of all possible chemicals for preservation!"

And an hour passed with both of them delightedly discussing the new method to obtain samples, the chance of success for capturing titans in the next expedition, and Hange fervently abusing the finance department for turning down her request to buy new laboratory equipments (all the reports on the desk had been forgotten). It was after Alex suggested raising funds from the nobles to cover the shortfall costs that Hange suddenly became quiet.

"Can I ask you something?" Hange said after a moment of consideration.

"Go ahead, ma'am," said Alex, eyes still boring to the journal.

"Levi told me that you are orphaned since very young age. You lived in the forest for quite long time, caught up in human trafficking and worked for noble families in Wall Sina before joining military. Is that true?"

Alex felt her stomach twisting in knots and quickly looked at Hange. This was the last topic on earth she wanted to discuss, ever. She hated talking about ancient history, especially her ancient history. Why not just let the past stayed in the past?

"Umm… What about it?"

Hange leaned closer. "I can safely assume you never went to school, right?"

"No… I never went to such place," said Alex quietly.

"You never got formal education, but you're educated," Hange concluded, prodding her glasses and staring at Alex with professional interest. "You can read and write, and I don't think many teenagers of your age could even spell formaldehyde. How did you learn that?"

"Oh, it's…a long story…" Alex rolled her eyes to the journal again without really reading the words.

"Yes, I bet it is. Do you mind telling me?"

Alex knew better than to hope that Hange would drop the topic before she was satisfied. Once she was interested in something, there was no turning back. Lying was not a safe option. Eccentric beyond common sense though she might, Hange was a keen observer and could assess many things accurately in a single glance as if she could read a person or a situation as easily as reading a book. There would be no fooling this woman in any way.

And Alex hated lying, too, more than anything else.

"Can you keep secrets?"

Hange smiled. "Cross my heart and hope to die."

Alex heaved, closing the journal and looking at Hange again. "Before I wandered alone in the forest, I once lived with someone, a very long time ago, in the outskirt the southern region of Wall Maria. He took care of me for a few years, I think… He was the one who taught me how to read and write."

"Was?"

"He's gone," said Alex tersely.

"Oh…" Hange nodded, fixing Alex with kindly look. "I'm sorry. Was he your relative?"

"No, I don't have family." Alex stared at the shelves in front of her. "But, I think he also had lot of books… I remember he had a library in his house, and a laboratory like yours. I think he also had a few science books… He always let me read anything I wanted."

"Well, sounds like a nice person."

"Oh, yes, he was a very good person. I really like him. His name was—"

A rap on the door distracted their conversation. Moblit peeked into the lab.

"Squad Leader," he said, "meeting in five minutes."

"Damn! I completely forgot!" Hange stood up and strode to the door. "You can stay here, but lock the door on your way out," she told Alex.

"Yes, ma'am," said Alex, extremely glad with the interruption, picking another book to read.

"Alex, you come too," said Moblit. "Captain Levi said Commander Erwin wanted you to attend the meeting."

"Why?" said Hange and Alex in unison.

Moblit shook his head. Greatly bewildered, Alex followed Hange upstairs, concentrating hard on what she could have done that would make Erwin summon her. She never skipped training anymore and had done everything Levi had commanded her to do, regardless how absurd his orders were. So she was sure all of this was a mistake. Heedless of all the other high-rank officers staring at her with incredulity, she rushed across the conference room straight to the man seated at the long oval table, who looked positively bored to death.

"Captain Levi," said Alex breathlessly, "why does Commander need me in this meeting?"

"Hell if I know," Levi replied, gesturing her to sit next to him.

"What does he want me for?" She glanced back and forth to Levi and Hange. "I'm not in trouble, am I?"

Hange sat on Levi's other side. "If you are, then you'll be in detention room, not here," she said with a frown. "Maybe he needs you to do something for expedition."

"Do what?"

"Do whatever bizarre plan he has inside his head," said Levi, sounding very annoyed. "Like the last time."

"Like the last time," Hange repeated petulantly through gritted teeth. "How dare he deceive us — including you, Alex. He got a filthy rich noble in his pocket and he didn't bother to tell us. That man is a demon hiding behind a handsome mask."

Alex sat down and looked at Erwin's vacant seat. Killing titans was the only thing she could do for expedition and absolutely not a topic important enough to be brought up in an official meeting.

Half an hour had passed, and his chair was still empty.

"Erwin is really late," said Hange impatiently, tapping her fingers on the table. "What the heck is he doing?"

"He's probably taking a huge shit and his hemorrhoid just started to bleed," said Levi in a bored voice.

"Really, sir?!" Alex gasped, jumping from her chair. "I'm gonna inform the medics!"

She was about to rush out of the door to infirmary wing when Levi snatched the scruff of her neck.

"It's a joke," he said flatly.

Alex whipped around; sure she had misheard him. "Oh… A joke? Really?"

"You can't tell I was joking?" said Levi, looking at her questioningly as if she was mentally challenged.

Alex swiftly sank back into the chair. "No… I can't… I didn't even think you were capable of making jokes, sir—I mean—you always say everything in a monotone, and with that impassive face, and that scowl. And a joke about hemorrhoid is ridiculous and inappropriate. What if Commander is really sick and—"

A menacing glint in his grey eyes made her gulp down the rest of her sentences. Hange sniggered into her hands.

"I'm sorry!" said Alex, feeling her cheeks uncomfortably hot. "Well—umm—you've got a peculiar sense of humor then. I don't understand why you think hemorrhoid is funny, to be honest, it was a pretty lame joke" — Levi glared at her — "b-b-but w-whatever, s-sir—it's up to you—I will, I will stop talking right now…" she muttered, looking down at her lap.

"That will be fucking great," said Levi irritably then turned to Hange, who was clutching her stomach and rocking back and forth on her chair. "What are you laughing at, shitty glasses?!" he snarled.

Both of them exchanged mocking remarks, and Alex had to admire Hange's guts for blatantly making fun of Levi's toilet jokes without looking remotely frightened by his murderous glare. Their bickering almost reached its breaking point when the door flew open and Erwin came bustling in, wearing a traveling cloak and looking very tired but somewhat pleased. He quickly took off his cloak and plumped himself on the last vacant chair, apologized for the delay and started the meeting.

Turned out, the meeting was awfully tedious with each division presenting and reporting all the preparations. Alex found it so repetitive and uninteresting that she didn't attempt to follow what anyone was saying after twenty minutes. By the time the meeting almost ended, drowsiness had taken over her head and her anticipation was gradually flooding out of her. She leaned against her chair and gazed out of the window, wondering, thinking… Just in a week… In one more week… She could be free…

"Oi."

Startled, she turned to Levi, who was scowling at her, and it took her a few seconds before she realized that everyone had fallen silent.

"Er—what, sir?"

"Pay attention, brat." Levi jerked his head. "Erwin is talking to you."

Panic started to rise again as she sat up straight. It looked like Erwin was in the middle of explaining the map on the wall, his eyes staring at Alex with expectation.

"Cadet Ritter, what do you think about our route?" he asked, pointing to the thick black line on the map.

Alex was stunned, wondering if he was really sick and his judgment had been altered. "Commander, you're asking…my opinion for expedition route?" she said in disbelief.

"Yes, you're the only one who knows the exact situation on the field," he said. "I made this new route based on your map. What do you think? Is it safe enough?"

Now that she had mustered all energy necessary to focus her attention and think, she realized the map had the same notations as the one he had given to Erwin. Someone in his right mind would never make a dramatic change in the plan based on scouting information collected by a greenhorn. Evidently all the other officers also thought that this was a joke as skeptical muttering erupted around the table. There were a lot of objections about changing the usual direct route, which had been established for years, and doubting whether Alex's information was reliable or not. Erwin held up a hand. The room fell silent.

"I know this is unprecedented, but how many of us have traveled the outside world alone and survived? Her opinions are worth considered." Erwin glanced around before fixing her eyes at Alex again. "Your comment, Cadet,"

"Oh, well—actually—" Alex paused and leaned forward; it was rather hard to talk coherently while all those eyes upon her. "I think this is good…" she said then paused again, staring at the map for a full minute. "But if I may suggest, Commander, once we depart from Shiganshina, we shouldn't go straight to the south, try to move a bit to the west…"

In the next a quarter of an hour, Alex ended up correcting the whole expedition route, suggesting alternative courses and a roundabout route where there was fewer titans' activity. Erwin made adjustments here and there, sometimes questioning the route she had picked and the two of them engaged in lengthy discussion which no one in the meeting room had the confidence to join in or interrupt, or they simply could not follow the flow of conversation, looking dazed when Erwin finally accepted her reasoning and drew a new line from the position she had suggested.

"…And so," finished Alex. "There's a big chance that we won't encounter a lot of titans after that point until we can start deploying the scouting formation." She looked around the table to meet the unconvinced faces. "It's a long detour — but don't worry—" she reassured hastily. "Really, it's safer, I've walked that route. It saved my life last month."

Nobody was able to produce an argument on this point.

"Thank you, Cadet Ritter," said Erwin, returning to his seat and looking pleased. "Well, I guess we've settled the matter. Our preparations are complete as of today. Any other objections?"

Alex had expected there would be an uproar of protests, but the room filled with murmurs of agreement. Maybe her explanations were convincing enough, or maybe they trusted Erwin so much that they would follow whatever his order was, no matter how preposterous. Beside her, Levi gave her an approving look, and Hange raised a thumb and winked at her. Finally, the long and boring meeting ended with a few words from the Commander.

"Our previous expedition was disappointing. We gained nothing from it. Nothing but an addition to the Survey Corps' long history of failure," he said with the calmest, most matter-of-fact tone of voice. "However, we have been given another chance to fight. We'll make the next expedition successful no matter what will happen. I put a lot of faith in all of you."

Alex smiled, looked out of the window again, and mumbled to herself, "Yes, I'll make the next mission successful no matter what happen."

-Four days before 30th Expedition-

If she could speak to God, she would beg to be reborn as a bird.

It was not fair, Alex thought, why did God make humans to crawl on the earth? For all of her lifetime, she always wondered how it felt like to have wings and soar high to the sky. She dreamt that one day she could spread her wings and take flight to a place, anywhere, somewhere she belongs, far away from the Walls. Granted, her wish had come true, partially; she didn't get a new life, to her utter disillusionment, but at the very least, she finally got something close enough to a pair of wings. The gear whirred loudly and emitted wisp of smoke from its exhausted valve as she pressed the switch deeper, longer, reaching the maximum acceleration. She swung between the trees and propelled herself toward the fiery afternoon sky. Higher and higher, she rose into the sky, for just a moment she was airborne. It was not just a dream anymore; she flew, the wind whipped her face, her heart drumming in her chest. Everything looked so much better from the height. The sky was brighter, the world was more beautiful, and the air she breathed was different. The sensation that streamed inside her body was beyond words, and maybe, just maybe, this was what the freedom felt like…

In the blinding light of sunset, she narrowed her eyes at the thin line of Wall Rose. The idea of freedom slipped out of her head.

What was the point of having wings if she couldn't even step outside the gate?

The indiscernible feeling from a split second before had dissipated without a trace as though it never existed when the gravity pulled her down, pulled her back to where she was supposed to, pulled her dream back to the reality.

The wings meant nothing if she was not free.

She descended in a smooth motion that best describe as 'graceful falling'. Breaking through the canopy of leaves, she shot the hooks and made a hairpin swerve, hurtling to the edge of the forest. Along the way, she caught a glimpsed of a titan dummy stood between the trees on the far left; perhaps someone accidentally left it after the training. Alex drew the blades and darted toward the dummy.

She was about to slash the nape when another soldier dove from above, aiming straight at the nape, too, and it seemed he did not realize that Alex was between the tip of his blades and the dummy until the moment they almost collided. Reflexively, Alex spun around and swung her blades upward, the sound of clashing metal echoed, followed with angry swearing. She retreated to the nearest branch while the soldier perched onto a tree next to her.

"Fucking hell!" he yelled, looking outraged. "What the fuck are you doing?! Don't come out of nowhere like that!"

"Captain Levi?!" said Alex, very surprised.

Levi cut the nape and landed beside her. "Damn it brat, I almost cut you in half," he said with a mingled of dread and anger in his voice.

"I'm sorry! I didn't know it was your target!" said Alex. "Sir, are you practicing?"

"Are you blind?"

"Oh… You still do training, really?"

"Of course I do. If a titan shows up here tomorrow, lack of training means that I'll have to pay this deed with my own life. Why are you so shocked?"

"I never thought top ace soldier like you still does 3DM Gear practice."

"Practice is essential," said Levi, sheathing his blades. "When it comes to battling against the titans, there's no difference between a commander and a new recruit. Even Erwin still does basic training, though he's been extremely busy. And I've missed a lot of training because of this goddamn injury." He rubbed his shoulder, winced a little then looked at her. "What are you doing here? Cadets training ended an hour ago."

"Just some extra practice before the expedition," she admitted. "I've also missed a lot of training."

"Let's call it a day," he commanded. "That was the last dummy."

By the time they were out of the forest, the sky above had turned dusky red with a few tiny twinkling stars and lights glimmered from the windows of the castle like rows of fireflies.

"I've read your file from the boot camp," said Levi as they walked across the back yard toward the warehouse. "All instructors praised you like a saint."

Alex almost laughed; that was a phrase she had heard far too often. "They think too highly of me. I'm not that special," she said in a flat voice. "Got any tips for the expedition, Captain?"

"Try your best to not die," he said forthright. "You're doing very well so far."

She laughed a little. "I'm not so sure about it, anything could happen out there. What else?"

"Kill all the titans, obviously it will be a cinch for you since they can't make you cower in fear."

"I'm not afraid of titans," said Alex at once; though her first meeting with a titan had given her mixed feelings, oddly, fear was not one of them. "At least there's no reason to be afraid of them. They are so predictable and don't make compromises. They're true to their own nature: kill humans. I mean, they're weird-looking and destructive, but once we know how to incapacitate—"

"God damn it, stop that," said Levi crossly. "For the sake of my sanity, just stop. Don't say any more nonsense about titans. One Hange is more than enough for me to bear."

"Why are you always so rude to Squad Leader Hange?" she asked out of curiosity; as far as she could remember, the interactions between Hange and Levi ranged between indecent teasing to borderline warfare.

"I can't stand her babbling," he said with exasperation in every syllable. "Something is really wrong with her head. She cares more about titans than she cares about herself, acting all friendly, carefree and kind to them as if they were her long lost best friends. What a sick, twisted woman with —"

"Please don't talk about her like that," said Alex with mild indignation, but maintained a tone of politeness. "I don't understand why everyone always has the wrong impressions about her."

Levi glanced at her. "What do you mean?"

"For a starter, she is not as cheerful as what she seems to be."

"She is the happiest motherfucker I have ever had the misfortunate to meet."

"I think she is a very depressed person," said Alex, voice hushed, wary to be overheard even though no one was around them.

"If that reckless titan-obsessed freak is depressed, the entire human race would have been extinct because of mass suicide," Levi retorted.

"Yes, she is positively obsessed with titans. She talks about them day and night. Do you know she wept on her desk when she read my reports? She said it was the most beautiful thing she had ever read."

"What a nutter," he snorted.

"People can be a bit crazy about their predilections," she answered blithely. "But…unlike me, Squad Leader Hange's obsession in titans doesn't seem to come out of pure curiosity," she added woefully. "It was born from something deeper, but whatever caused her obsession with titans are not pleasant things. You know what, sir? I think she's obsessed with finding answers about titans' existence. She spends so much time and energy to study them; her dedications are very admirable, but people regard all her hard work as useless, or worse, they think she's just doing it for fun. It's hurtful to her, you know, and very sad too… I don't know why people are always avoiding and alienating her, once she stops talking about titans, she's actually a very good person."

Alex halted her speech, realizing she had talked more than she had intended. She kept trudging across the back yard beside Levi, who made no comment, either he did not care or he was not listening to her rambling at all, but when she glanced at him, he crossed his arms and looked deep in thought, his eyes staring at the ground.

"She may never tell you about this, but I got a feeling she considers you as a friend," Alex continued, smiling at him. "She doesn't mind when you call her with rude and insulting names, even when you openly express your distaste at her. I think she enjoys your company, including when you two bicker all the time. She also told me she was really devastated when she thought you were dead on the last expedition."

Clearly the information about how Hange felt about him never crossed his mind before. He seemed bewildered, staring intently at Alex as if she just spoke in another language he never heard of.

"You're not fucking around with me, right?" said Levi, sounding a bit annoyed but also curious.

Alex shook her head.

"Why do you think she's depressed?" he asked, opening the warehouse door and striding inside. "Her attitude is always jubilantly irritating."

"She's generally very bubbly, appears to be most chirpy person, but to me, she always look very sad," said Alex, starting to take off her gear. "I don't know why she dedicates her life to study titans, but my best guess is her obsession was born from her hatred. She really hates titans with a burning passion."

Levi had stopped from disconnecting the gas cylinders from his gear and focused his full attention to Alex. "How do you know that?"

"I see it in her eyes," said Alex simply.

He squinted his eyes. "You can do something like that?"

"I learn to do it in order to survive," Alex admitted. "I'm scared of people—I mean—I never know what they will do to me, you know, just, I don't feel safe around people—not that I mistrust you or anything—" she added briskly. "I'm not talking sense right now, am I?" She turned around and stored the scabbard into a crate. "I'm sorry, just forget it, sir…"

"I know what you're talking about," he said instantly, resuming disengaging his gear. "Your nerves are constantly on the edge. You keep reading people and asking yourself what they hide inside their pockets, or behind their backs, or whether they will kill you or not after behaving too nice and kind. You can't trust them, and it's almost like everybody is your enemy."

Alex looked at him, wondering how he could figure it out, and decided it was not wise to pursue the matter at this moment because he was staring unfocusedly at the dusty gas tanks and seemed to be brooding over something unpleasant. "Yes, pretty much like that," she finally said. "I've met too many people whose speech and action don't match at all."

"Me too," he said, stowing his gear into the shelf. "You're not afraid of me?"

"No, you're not scary" she said with a giggle. "Though that scowl is very intimidating, and your glare is—"

Alex clapped her hands to her mouth, wishing he could take back her words and preparing herself for the upcoming rants. However, Levi didn't seem perturbed by it. He looked her dead in the eye and walked closer until they just stood a few inches apart.

"What do you see in me?" he asked.

"Um… You want me to tell you, about yourself?" said Alex hesitantly.

"So I'll know you're not bullshitting with me about shitty glasses."

There was a solemn stillness between them where they did nothing but stare at each other. The flickering fire from the torches shone upon his face. So many things were hidden in the depths of his grey eyes: they were usually indifferent and cold; sometimes they blazed with anger, and became dangerously vicious at some point; but she also recently witnessed that those eyes could be so warm and caring. She had never been this close to him, like she had never been wrong about him. From the first moment they met, she knew he was not a bad person, and she was right. His eyes always told the truth, and perhaps, there were still too many things she had not seen… Too many things she had not understood…

"You're very strong," she said softly, smiling.

"That's as plain as a day," he scoffed. "Is that the best you could do?"

"I'm not talking about your excellent combat skills—"

The bell rang throughout the castle ground; Alex jerked and Levi swore angrily. He muttered something about a meeting with Erwin and rushed out of the warehouse.

"Oh, Captain," Alex called, "about Squad Leader Hange, I just think it will be better if you treat her nicely once in a while. It will mean so much to her."

He said nothing, but she saw him moving his head in an almost imperceptible nod.

"And you better get rid of that shitty self-deprecation," he said from the door. "You're good. Have some pride in yourself."

Alex watched him vanished into the darkness before continuing to sort out her maneuver gear. Something was unusual in his voice; she couldn't decipher what it really was, but his words didn't sound like a command. It was spoken with concern and…did he just compliment her? That was very kind of him, she thought, to say such a nice thing. Her comrades would be so jealous of her if they knew Levi praised her ability. But instead of making her proud, his words made her feel sickening hollow in the pit of her stomach as if they just pierced through her and left her insides bleeding.

"I was just saying the truth," she muttered, shoving her gas cylinders into the crate with clank noises. "I'm not good. I don't need pride."

Her eyes surveyed the deserted rows of shelves and stacks of crates. The dinner must have started by now, but the only thing she felt was a dull pain that had nothing to do hunger. Trying to do everything as slow as possible to avoid the crowded mess hall, she bent down to store her gear in the bottommost shelf, a necklace suddenly slipped out of her collar. A dull silver ring hung before her eyes. She twiddled it between her thumb and index finger as she straightened up then grasped it until she felt her palm numbing.

"I'm just anonymous… I'm just alone…" she whispered, taking a deep breath and tucking the ring down the front of her shirt. "I'm just a lost being in this twisted world."

After thoroughly checking her gear twice, she was unable to find any more excuses to delay. She locked the door and left the warehouse. "Four days…" she whispered, "just four more days and I shall be free."

She trotted off to the castle and looked up to the sky: The night sky littered with twinkling stars was not as beautiful as the sky she saw in the outside world.

Revamped: December 31st

Author's Note 12/25/15: Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Kwanzaa! Happy New Year! Happy Holiday! Thank you for reading!