"The Avalanche Has Already Started."
Disclaimer – I still own nothing but a large amount of debt and a considerable lack of talent, (down from severe OK?). Certainly nothing to do with Skins, (shame)
Quick A/N – Not totally happy with this one, but I'll explain why later. But the week from hell has been called off thanks to the volcano in Iceland grounding flights from the US to the UK. No people arriving, no meetings to go to YAY! So to celebrate I thought I'd put this up.
Chapter 10 – OMFG!
Katie
I'm woken up as the figure lying behind me throws an arm over my waist, gently caressing my stomach. I open my eyes to find I'm not in my room. In fact I've got no idea where I am or what I was doing last night.
OK let's face up to it, this isn't the first time I've woken up, hung-over and confused, with no memory of the night before; in a strange bed with someone next to me, and it probably won't be the last.
I rack my brains to think of where I was last night. I remember meeting Naomi's mum, leaving the house with Effy and heading off. I remember a couple of pubs, a nightclub and a lot of drinking and a pill or two and fuck all else. Can't remember dancing with anyone, can't remember picking anyone up. Shit I must have been totally, totally fucked up.
As my brain starts to kick in I realise I'm in my underwear wearing an unfamiliar T-Shirt. 'Well that's a relief,' I have to admit. I'm not naked, bruised, bitten or sore; perhaps it's not that bad. Still I have an arm holding me down as I'm lying here so I'm somewhere, with someone and I'm not at home.
Home, that's a fucking joke. Where the fuck is home anymore? A shitty little caravan on a grubby little field? A spare room at my sister's girlfriend's house? I don't have a fucking home anymore. I've got nothing left in my life but family. The caravan has family, but so does Naomi's. Naomi's has warmth and happiness, but it also has misery and pain. Naomi's is where I finally admitted how I felt about Freddie, and hours later where Effy told us he was probably dead.
I still can't believe it, any of it. Part of me is still clinging to the hope that he's alive, hiding somewhere, staying away from Bristol, from Effy and getting his life back together. Naomi's pretty much shattered that illusion though; the rest of me knows that he's dead. I hate Cook with every bone in my body, he's a total shit, a fucking waste of skin, a criminal and a liar; but he wouldn't lie about Freddie. Wouldn't lie about something like that.
Another part of me hates Naomi for telling us what Cook had said, for ruining my little dream. Yet another part of me loves her for putting herself through that pain for us, for me, for Effy but most of all for Emsy. I love my little sister and I have to admit, albeit grudgingly, that Naomi seems to want to do right by her.
Fuck me I'm turning into a twat.
The body behind me sighs and rolls over, the hand suddenly removed. I roll over slowly to see familiar brunette hair scattered across the pillow.
'Thank fuck for that, I'm in bed with Effy.
Hang on, WHAT?'
There's a strange dichotomy here, I'm relieved because if I'm with Effy I haven't gone home with some random bloke and shagged him, I'm also horrified because in some drunken state I've ended up in Effy's fucking bed and I don't know how or what I've done. There's only room for one fucking lesbian in my family and it's not fucking me.
I'm definitely not gay! Definitely, I like boys far too much. Me not a muff muncher, definitely!
"Go back to sleep Katie, it's too fucking early."
Shit, she's rolled over again and is talking to me. Get a grip Katie this isn't the first time you've woken up with Effy. Visions of Venice float through my addled brain along with reminders of the few times she's crashed at Campbell's with me. 'Yeah, but this isn't the fucking same is it?
"Eff?" I can't help but ask
"What Katie, I said it's too fucking early and I'm tired."
"What the fuck am I doing here?"
She rolled over, her blue eyes staring at me through heavy lids.
"We got pissed, you took me home, we fucked all night and then we fell asleep. Don't you remember babe?"
'What?' I'm kind of lost for words.
"You're fucking great in bed Katiekins; in fact I've no idea why Naomi chose your sister over you. I have to admit I've never had orgasms like that, Cook - Freddie, they're nothing compared to you lover. The things you can do with that tongue," she shuddered dramatically. "You are fucking awesome babe."
She winked at me and ran her hand over my leg, her nails gently scratching my skin.
"Fancy a repeat performance?"
I can't help it; Oh my fucking God! I practically jump out of the bed shock written all over my face.
"Oh for fucks sake Katie it's too fucking early. I'm messing with you ok? We were wasted and you came here. Remember? We were staying away? I told Gina that you were staying here, giving the lovebirds some time alone!"
I do remember that; just don't remember planning to stay in Effy's fucking bed. She must have guessed what I was thinking.
"Jesus Katie, I wouldn't let you sleep on the floor and you borrowed a T-Shirt and crashed. That's all now will you either drag your ass back to bed so I can get some sleep, or fuck off and make some coffee."
I sit back onto the bed and think. So Effy was messing with me. Thank fuck for that, I'm relieved; it would have been majorly embarrassing deal with. Though to be fair if I was going to fuck a girl Effy would be a good catch. At least she can dress well unlike Campbell. I really have no idea what my sister sees in that Oxfam store reject. Effy looks good and dresses well and is pretty fucking cool to top it off.
Hang on; am I even having this conversation with myself? Shut the fuck up Katie, you're not fucking gay.
"For fucks sake Katie, go back to sleep or get up. Stop fucking thinking you're keeping me awake with your muttering."
Shit! I don't want to get up, don't want to go back to bed either. Damn Effy she's got me all freaked out now. A few seconds later I'm dragged back to the pillows by a lazy arm reaching back and grabbing mine.
"Go back to fucking sleep Katie, fucks sake."
I climb back under the covers and lie down still a little tense, Effy's still got hold of my hand, her thumb idly stroking my little finger. It's a nice feeling, a comforting one. In fact it's very relaxing. I haven't felt relaxed for a while now, weeks if I'm honest, too wound up about everything. Me, Emily, mum, dad and James. But this is nice, soothing, slowly I find myself drifting off to sleep.
"'night Eff," I manage to murmur as tiredness takes over once again.
"'night Katiekins."
I find myself smiling my way into sleep
***
I'm woken again, this time by an arm shaking my shoulder. I open my eyes and find Effy standing over me.
"Eff, what the..?"
"Coffee Katie," she says waving a mug at me. "Seeing as you wouldn't bring me any I've made some for you."
"What time is it?"
"About ten. A hell of a lot later than you woke me."
Um...I'm feeling a little guilty about that, probably need to apologise. "Eff I'm sorry ok? It was a bit of a shock."
"What was, me teasing you?"
"You putting your arm around me."
She looked at me confusion on her face, "What?"
"This morning, you woke me up. You hugged me Eff. It freaked me out a bit. Thought I'd pulled again and ended up fuck knows where. Then you started teasing me and I freaked a little bit more that's all, wasn't in the right frame of mind for your games."
She just looked at me, her eyes staring right through me.
"Ah."
'Ah' that's it, that's all she has to say about it. She freaks me out and just say's 'Ah'. Fucking mysterious Effy, damn she pisses me off.
No.
Actually she doesn't.
And that scares me, just a little.
***
Coffee drunk, clothes retrieved and I'm heading back to "home". Not Naomi's, not yet anyway. I'm heading for the caravan where mum and dad are staying. Dad keeps promising it's just for a short while, mum keeps going on about "little pickles" but at the end of the day it's chez Fitch and that's where my family is at the moment, and family is what I need.
"Hello KitKat, haven't seen you for a few days, where have you been?"
That's my mum, in denial all the time. "I told you mum, Naomi invited me to say at hers."
"Yes well, I'm sure that's nice dear, but wouldn't you be more comfortable here, with your family?"
Fucking hell she even manages to piss me off these days, how the hell Emsy put up with her I've no idea. She's always been "daddy's girl" I was always mum's favourite twin. Time to remind her Emily exists again.
"MUM, in case it has escaped your notice my sister is living at Naomi's. Twin sister, remember? Fucking family!"
"There's no need to shout KitKat, I'm quite aware where Emily is and I'm also quite sure she'll be coming home where she belongs quite soon."
"Mum, for fucks sake will you get it into your head? Emily is gay, get it G.A.Y. She's living with her fucking girlfriend and they're obscenely happy together."
"Katie Fitch you close your mouth. I remember just how happy she looked with that girl last time I saw them together. Miserable she was, and soon she'll realise how unhappy that Naomi makes her and she'll return home again."
"Miserable? You do realise that was months ago? You'd not seen her for months until the other day when you fucking blanked her. Did you ever care about her? Didn't you realise that she cried for hours when Naomi told her to leave, and it wasn't about the thought of living in this shithole." I gestured around the caravan. Mum looked shocked.
"She's happy where she is mum, happy with Naomi. Even I can see that; why can't you?"
"Well if you're happy to be corrupted by that girl, why don't you go back there?"
The bitterness is flowing like acid from her mouth. I'm fucking stunned.
'Corrupted?' What the fuck?
Who the fuck is this person?
I've loved my mum all my life but this isn't her. I thought I'd sorted all of this out months ago when I had a chat with her at our old house. I thought we were over all this shit. Presumably not, obviously the world according to Jenna Fitch hasn't moved on. Fuck I'm annoyed with her, and people call me a bitch.
"Do you know what Mum?" I find myself snapping back, "I think I will. At least I seem to be welcome there. Jesus, it comes to something when my sister's girlfriend whom, incidentally, I have treated like shite for the last few years makes me feel more welcome than my mother."
"Katie, there's no need for..."
"For what mum? A few more home truths? Fucks sake get over yourself will you? Emily's happy where she is, and if you want my honest opinion I should tell her never to speak to you again, you'd fucking deserve that.
You do remember that Emsy and Naomi are off travelling soon, for most of a fucking year. I'm fucking horrified that I won't be able to see her and you don't seem to give a shit, don't want to talk to your lesbian daughter and that's messed up mum, really messed up.
What did I tell you? Appreciate us ok? Stop pushing us away. If you haven't already mum I swear you'll lose Emily and you'll probably lose me as well."
She looks fucking distraught but I can't relent, won't relent. She deserves everything she heard.
I storm out of the caravan and out of the park, heading for what feels like home. If I'm going to be honest I'm fucking devastated; mum and I have always been there for each other, well almost always, and I feel like a part of me has dropped off and rolled away in my mother's look of disgust. I pick up my iPhone and press the screen, connecting me to the only person that can understand, the one person that can help me.
"Hello?"
"It's me, I need to talk, can we meet?"
"Where Katie? What's up?"
"Coffee shop by the pub, I'll buy you a latte? I just need to talk to someone and you're the first person I thought of."
"Oh, well thanks for that Katie; I've got nothing pressing in my life today so give me half an hour ok?"
"Fine, thanks Eff."
***
An hour later and she drifts into the coffee shop, the latte I'd bought for her stone cold on the table.
"Hi Katie, you want a drink?"
I nodded at the cup on the table, "Got us both one, guess they're cold now."
"Well I am a little late, what do you want?"
She takes the order and drifts away, returning with a couple of drinks and flops down on the sofa next to me.
"So what's up Katie, still upset about this morning?"
"What?"
She puts her hand on my leg, "About our night of passion my dear, are you regretting it already?"
"Effy please." I don't want her teasing me; I'm having enough issues with what happened this morning as it is.
Thankfully she drops it, but leaves her hand on my knee, squeezing it slightly. "Come on Katie, what's the matter."
I spill my guts to her, I feel a little guilty about it, what with everything else we're going through, but I know I can talk to her, know she'll listen to me. That's exactly what Effy does. She sits there and takes it all in. Me, my mother, everything, well almost everything anyway. I'm able to express myself with her like no-one else I've known, not even Emily and she just accepts it. Sits there nodding away like it's all important and listens. No-one my age has ever has just listened to me when I've tried to talk to them; most of the time it's been boys and they've just nodded and then tried to shag me. In fact only one other person I've met has just listened to me like this. Not even Emily has ever listened like these two did, but that's more my fault than hers.
I've never talked so much about me before, not like this anyway. Not about what I'm feeling. But finally I'm done, spent, finished. I've told her everything and I sit back waiting for a response.
"So what do you want me to say Katie?"
Not what I was expecting, "Erm..." is all I can respond with.
"Katie, do you think I'm any less fucked up than you are? I don't think I can help you out Katiekins, what you're talking about, it's alien to me. Families, cosy chats with mum, everything. It's all a mystery to me. I'm not qualified to give you advice. Oh and don't forget, it's not that long ago that I was sectioned for my own good. Fucking fruity-loop wrist cutter, remember?"
I can't resist a little chuckle at that. "I remember Eff, I was there. You scared the shit out of me that day and I wasn't really dressed for it."
"There you go, isn't that better?" She leaned over giving me a gentle hug, smiling at my laughter,
"You need to laugh these things off Katie. Look, I don't doubt that your mother's a bitch; after all you take after her don't you? But you've got better; you're not as catty as you were. Actually you're kind of nice when you try, I like you. I even think Naomi is warming to you and I'm pretty sure you've enjoyed making her life hell."
It's true; even I have to admit it.
"Look Katie," she says standing up, "I can't solve your problems; I can't even deal with my own. But I like you, I know I once hit you with a rock but I guess you just do that to me ok? You're nice Katie, you're a nice person underneath but you're also vulnerable. You need to make your own decisions ok? If you need me again, call me, I'll be there for you, we'll be there for each other. But for now I think you need a bit of time."
She leant down and kissed me on the cheek, "You know where you want to be right now Katie, so why don't you go there? They've had plenty of time together, they won't mind. Give me a call later ok, we'll go for a drink or something, the four of us, maybe get the gang together again, those of us that can."
And with that she's gone, wandering out of the coffee shop and into the crowds to vanish. A little part of me misses her, for some strange reason I've come to rely on Effy over the last week, we share a common love and we've been there for each other throughout the pain. In a curious way I think I love her and that's almost as painful as everything else.
***
I've taken myself shopping, have you ever noticed that however many problems you have a bit of retail therapy makes them all right?
Well fuck you then, I love shopping!
I don't actually spend a lot on clothes, not as much as people believe. I'm actually quite clever. No shut up, I am! A couple of expensive, branded items here and there, some nice accessories the rest? Well I pick what I like and make it look good, no matter where it's from and how cheap it may be. Emsy has often said I look like a cheap whore, who the fuck cares, cheap whore works; has always worked. Worked for me anyway.
Today however I'm not in the market for cheap or expensive, for some reason I'm looking for something nice if I'm going out with Effy and the lezzers tonight I'd better find something classy to show them all up in.
***
Two hours and four bags of shopping later I'm back at Naomi's as I knock on the door I'm greeted by a smiling and somewhat flushed sister, breathing heavily and holding of all things a pillow.
"Fuck Katie, use your key why don't you?"
"Had my hands full," I explain. "Disturb you did I?" I ask raising an eyebrow at her.
"Actually yes you did Katiekins," comes a voice from the living room, "but you can come and join in if you're jealous."
I bite back a sarcastic reply and deliberately walk into the living room dropping the shopping bags as I did so.
WHAM
I'm hit full in the face with a fucking cushion, it doesn't hurt; it's a cushion for fucks sake. But it is a bit of a surprise.
"Shit, sorry Katie, I thought you were Ems."
She actually looks slightly distraught.
"You're having a pillow fight!" I exclaim indignantly, you're both nearly fucking 18 and you're having a fucking pillow fight."
WHAM
I'm hit from behind by a sneak attack from my sister, "Fucking right we are." She shouts as she plunges past me and takes a swing at the other idiot. They're running around the room knocking things over and giggling like inmates at a funny farm, swinging their cushions at each other wildly. I take a deep breath as I watch them, determined to be grown up.
Though actually, it's pretty infectious. They look like they're having so much fun. Whispering 'what the fuck' to myself I grab a small red cushion from the sofa and smack Naomi with it as hard as I can.
"That's for hitting me bitch!" I yell, grinning widely and hitting her again, "and that's for thinking it was my sister."
"Yeah," shouted Emily, "Go Sis get her!" We're swinging cushions at Naomi one after the other giving her no time to respond and eventually we batter her down onto the floor tears streaming from our eyes as we laugh.
"Ok, ok," she laughs, "I give in, no fair; I can't beat both of you at once."
"Fucking right Campbell, don't mess with the Fitch twins yeah?" I giggle at Emily who's looking straight at me.
"Go Team Fitch!"
"Damn right little sis."
WHAM
"That's for hitting my girlfriend bitch!"
WHAM
"and that's for enjoying it!"
And we start all over again.
***
Lunch goes by and I'm sat alone with Emsy, Naomi has long since left for work. I'd told them of Effy's idea to go out for a drink and they'd readily agreed. I think they want to see me and her do something other than mope around their house looking miserable.
It seems to have been all Effy and I have been doing for the last week, meeting, moping and crying a lot. Locked together in our sad little world, unable to break apart. I find myself wondering how she's doing a lot, when she's not around that is. When I'm eating I'm wondering if she is, hoping she's managing to keep things together. When I'm thinking about the few good times with Freddie I'm wondering if she's doing the same. Sad really.
"Hello? Earth to Katie...HELLOOOO!!!" I'm dragged from my thoughts by Emily's insistent voice and waving hand; a habit I'm sure she's picked up from Campbell.
"So what's up?"
"Nothing."
"Fuck off Katie, I know you better than that. What the fucks wrong?"
Well where do I fucking start? The only boy I think I've ever loved is probably fucking dead, I've just woken up in his girlfriend's bed and I can't stop thinking about them both. Oh and I've just had a blazing row with my mother and basically told her to fuck off. Which one of those fucking gems do you start with?
"Went to see mum this morning." I take the cowards option.
"Right, how did that work out for you?" She sounds pissed off that I'm even mentioning it; I can't say I blame her.
"How do you think? She's still angry about you and 'that girl.' Even hates me now for staying here, thinks she's 'corrupting' me."
"Jesus, what?"
"Yeah I know fucked up isn't it? Why can't she be more like dad, or like Naomi's mum?"
Emsy frowned at me eyes narrowing, "I heard you'd met yesterday...decided to tell her everything did you sis?"
"We got chatting," I say defensively, "She's really nice, easy to talk to."
"Katie you fucking told her everything about me and Naomi, about Sophia and all the shit. Seriously how could you?"
"Like I said she was easy to talk to, she gave a shit you know? I just found myself talking to her, couldn't help myself."
I guess I've fucked up here. I brace myself for what I've got to do; it's never easy for me.
"It was just nice you know, to have an adult to talk to, someone that sounded like they cared, someone that acted like mum used to do and doesn't any more, I'm sorry Emsy I felt like talking to someone, needed to get all this off my chest. The rest just sort of slipped out, I didn't mean it. Katie sham."
Her eyes soften a little, that's a positive sign anyway.
"It's ok Katie; it doesn't matter, no harm done. Gina seems to like you as well, did nothing but sing your praises last night. You and Elizabeth are a lovely couple apparently."
OK so flinching isn't necessarily the best thing to do here but I can't help it. Emsy just raises a fucking eyebrow at me, another bad habit she's picked up from Campbell.
"What?" I snap at her
"So what's going on there then, you and Effy had a falling out? I thought you'd become best mates."
"We are, well we're kinda. Fuck, I don't know what we are."
"I guess that's understandable, she did try to knock your brains out with a rock."
"That's old news Emsy, I dealt with that last summer in Venice and we're over it. It was just a fucked up drug fuelled mistake that's all. She didn't mean it."
She sat there and looked at me appraisingly, when did she get so fucking grown up?
"Fair enough Katie, so what is it then?"
"Can I be honest?
She nods at me and leans over to take my hand. I look down at it wondering how to explain what's going on in my head.
"I woke up in bed with Effy this morning."
Silence, I only know she's heard me because she's gripping my hand somewhat tighter.
"We went out last night and I got wasted. I woke up with someone's arm around me and I was terrified I'd got pissed and picked up another loser. Instead I find myself in bed with Effy."
"You fucked Effy?" She sounds, well incredulous.
"NO! Fucking hell Emily, No, No! What made you think that?"
"Well that's what you were implying Katie."
I shook my head at her, "I didn't fuck her ok, despite what she might say. She's been teasing me about it all day." Shit didn't mean to say that, didn't want her to know I'd seen Effy again today. Thankfully she's missed it.
"So what's the problem Katie, you woke up with Effy, so fucking what? You've done that a couple of times this week."
I just shrugged.
"There isn't one, just thought I'd tell you before she dropped it into conversation to wind me up again and you all take the piss. I just like her ok? Wouldn't want you all thinking it was true."
She's laughing at me, "You are so paranoid Katie, you're always worried about what other people might think of you. You and Effy could be fucking each other senseless and inviting Danny and the whole Bristol Rovers reserve team to come around and watch and it wouldn't matter to me. You're my sister, I'm not like mum. As long as you're happy that's all that matters to me."
She drags me into a hug, and it makes me feel better, it always does. Doesn't make me any less confused about everything though.
***
We're sat watching TV when the front door opens and Naomi's voice calls out.
"Ems I'm back."
"In here babe," she shouts back uncurling herself from the floor and throwing herself at the blonde who's just walked in and slamming her against the doorframe.
"Hello to you as well," she says disentangling herself from my sister. "Hi Katie."
I nod back at her, "Katie, what time are we going out tonight?" she asks.
"I said we'd meet the gang at the pub about half eight, Effy thinks we should get a few drinks in then go clubbing."
"Cool, I've got plenty of time to take a shower and get changed then. What are we doing for food?"
"I'm ordering pizza!" Emsy replies with an almost babyish grin on her face.
"Wings and garlic bread?"
"No!" I shout quickly, "No garlic bread we'll fucking stink of it all night." They exchange amused looks.
"But Katie, what does it matter? It's not like we're off on the pull, besides I love the smell of garlic on Emily."
She's trying to wind me up and I'm just in the mood for this, bring it on Campbell.
"Look, it is hard enough for Effy and I to meet boys when were hanging around with a pair of badly dressed lezzers like you two. But add to that you smelling of garlic and we'll have no chance of meeting any good looking blokes. We'd be left with the desperate mingers and I have standards."
"You should be grateful we're there Katiekins. Don't forget all I've got to do is kiss this gorgeous redhead here and every bloke's eye in the building will be focussed on us. You can pick up the scraps then."
"In your dreams Campbell, with the outfit I've bought there isn't a boy or a girl in the place that would look at you."
"Thank fuck for that, wouldn't want her to get tempted."
I fix my best 'don't mess with Katie Fitch' look on my sister, "and don't think you're going out wearing your usual shit Emily. You're getting a makeover today and I've picked up an outfit for you as well. You're going to look well lush."
She's looking at me in horror shaking her head, Campbell is just laughing at her. For the first time this week I'm actually looking forward to going out. This is going to be fucking epic.
.
.
.
A/N – OK so Katie officially hates me for letting Naomi have "her" chapter. That's my only excuse for this drivel, that and there's a load of things I've got to get set up for the next part of the story and writing Katie is actually quite hard, not sure I'll do it again. Not for a full chapter anyway. I have to admit to finding it a struggle to get the balance between the S3, (Bitch) and S4 (Vulnerable) Katie that was needed here.
Like I say, it was an important chapter with a lot of necessary background bits that hopefully you'll miss until later, [that's got you thinking hasn't it? No it's not the one you're thinking of...no not that one either (-: ] Plus I love Katie, I was kind of pissed that after what should have been a really good episode for her she was dropped to the sidelines as 'comedy' effect with Thomas and Pandora. She's so messed up now the character deserves to be explored, here's hoping the movie will give a chance for Meg to show her talent again. Gods know she didn't get much of a chance this season.
Oh and I've just noticed I promised you some shorter chapters and the last couple have been (I think) the longest I've wrote, sorry. I must try harder not to get carried away.