Edited: Thank you to the anonymous reader who pointed out a mistake on the timeline of the story. Fixed. Thank you for all your amazing replies and encouragement. ;)

Chapter 10: Midori Sour

Your heart is being pulled up by thousands of balloons. When Alex says those three words you can't help but feel such wonder that you think perhaps you look foolish with your gobsmacked expression.

Alex has a loving expression on her face, but she also looks very serious.

"I don't say this to just anyone you know… You have to say it back."

You smile because the notion of not loving Alex back is ridiculous to you. She has to know. After everything, even if it was those short months, she had to know how much you love her. How much you can't see yourself with anyone but her. How much a part of your life she's become. But when you look into her eyes, you see a little bit of insecurity. So, she's right: you have to say it back.

"I love you too."

She cups your jaw and presses a tender kiss to your lips. After three weeks, such a chaste kiss is not nearly enough but you don't complain, still feeling out of sorts and not knowing where you stand. In your experience, "I love yous" can mean the world but also not much.

"Good. Now that we have that settled, I need to talk to you about two things: Piper, don't lie to me again. Do you understand? I really do love you but trust is very important to me and I really need to feel as if we are being completely honest with each other. I promise you, here and now that you can come talk to me about anything. Even if I'm mad, even if I'm hurt, we'll talk. But don't lie to me."

You close your eyes, nodding slowly.

"Second is… Red told me your father's assistant was calling the bar to talk to you. She called the house the day I left."

You blanche.

"Yeah, well… I talked to her like two days after… after you left."

You didn't want to be reminded of the fact your mother was dead and you didn't even have the chance to say goodbye. If not for love at least to have some kind of closure. Alex look at you, the question in her eyes. You just feel so tired…

"Well? Was it something important? I worried your Dad was harassing you."

You frown. Your eyes are averted as you focus on the cannula running from your nose to the oxygen tank next to you. Doctor said it would give your lungs a break. You wish you could have a break too.

"My father asked his assistant to call me and tell me my mother is dead."

Alex shock is so great she actually jumps from her chair. You raise your head to look at her just in time to be engulfed in her arms. "Piper, baby… I'm so, so, so sorry…"

Your eyes tear up and you swallow the lump closing your already abused throat. You feel guilty for NOT feeling enough about the death of the woman who was supposed to mean the world to you. You also feel sad that your mother had so little importance in your life.

"Alex, I'm ok."

Alex raises her head from your neck and looks at you with disbelief in her face. Even without meaning to she makes you feel worse about the lack of feelings.

"Piper, I know that's not true. She was your mother."

You sigh. The cannula helps but it's difficult to speak because you keep coughing all the time. But it's IMPERATIVE to make her understand where you're coming from.

"Alex. You are very lucky. To have Diane as a mother, to have been so close to her growing up, to have her love you so much and so deeply. I don't mean that as a reprimand or as a bad thing, please, don't take it the wrong way. I mean as a starting place for you to understand me. Yes?"

You wait until Alex nods, your thumb now brushing the back of her hand on a steady rhythm, the repetitive motion helping you set your thoughts in order, throwing you into an almost daze.

"That being said, I want you to realize that I had exactly the opposite. Our house was perfect. Everything inside was perfect but not in a good way. The decoration, the staff, our clothes, our education, the way we looked. I had everything money could buy. Except love. Everything HAD to be perfect. My parents wouldn't allow anything different. My weight, for example, was carefully measured. Each month a doctor would come to the house and measure my body. Once, he told my mom I had gained 2 pounds. She starved me for weeks until I lost 4. My brothers were pretty much left alone. They were younger and also boys. Rich boys. Narcissistic, stupid boys that did nothing to help me. I had my whole days occupied with all sorts of lessons. I can speak fluent Portuguese because my father once had a notion he'd marry me to the son of one of his business associates. Guy was rich as Midas, Brazilian and lucky for me, shared none of my father ill conceptions about raising kids. His son, Leonardo was gayer than both you and I combined. Sweetest damn person on earth. By the time I was 12, I could play the piano, plan a party for 300 people without batting an eye and cook 3 course meals. I slaved for my parents' attention. I did everything they asked me to. In return I got nothing but frustration. Love is something Chapmans don't have to give. It took me awhile to realize that. Lots of tears, lots of angst, lots of nights I'd go to bed thinking that it would be better to just end it once for all."

You don't feel Alex's hand on your hair or hear her gasp or her murmurs of encouragement. Once again, you are trapped deep inside your mind, opening yourself at the seams in a way that you had never done before. The effort is painful and numb-minding and even though it hurts, you want Alex to see the whole you. If she decides you are too much trouble and she is through with you, that's fine. Other than that, you are going to give her the whole damn picture if it kills you.

"The best moments of my life were when I was at school. I had such nice teachers. I didn't have many friends, a lot of them were aware of how my family conducted its business and didn't really want to be associated with me. So I was really lonely. I didn't have one of those maids you see in movies that are always nice and take care of the neglected children and everything is ok. Maids at my house were bitches who followed every one of my mother's crazy, narcissistic desires. And then Stella came into my life. She took one look at me and decided to befriend me. Don't ask me why, to this day I don't know. We were attached at the hip. At school, any free time I could manage to squeeze between endless chores was for her. She helped me socialize better. I started getting close to people. She listened. I never said much because I felt so tired all the time. But she listened. She helped me, slowly to stand up for my mother. Small things that build up my confidence and self-esteem. On my 15th birthday, she took me to a party. It was at a gay place and I was mesmerized. I felt free. I felt… important. Someone cared enough to want to be with me, you know? She was also deeply loyal. Until the end, when things got really bad, Stella was really loyal. The countless times we were at my house and my father raised his hand to strike me and she threw herself between us, shouting bloody-murder at him, threatening to get him in jail. He was secretly terrified of her because he knew she meant every single word. When he…"

Your voice breaks. Suddenly, your memories throw you back 2 years ago and you cringe. Going through these memories is like one of those dreams you had sometimes where you felt someone coming after you but when you started to run everything was in slow motion.

"When he had me committed, my mother did absolutely nothing to help me. Instead, she aided him with every sick, twisted desire and plot he came up with. She wasn't loving, she wasn't friendly, she…"

Your lips are dry. Alex reads your mind as she helps you sip the fresh water from a paper cup.

"She was a stranger. A person I hated for a long time but still felt I needed to please. I yearned for love. When I left home and Stella and I moved in together I felt free. I had a family now. People I could call my own. But we were also too young, too inexperienced. I gave too much, I didn't know how to deal with simple, relationship things that people dealt with all the time. I have no filter. I don't say what I don't mean, I never lied. I asked and demanded a lot from her, she was so possessive she suffocated me. I wanted to graduate, be someone. Stella wanted to enjoy life. We fought. A lot. We hurt each other. A lot. We broke up and got back together three times. But she knew me. It wasn't healthy but at the time I felt like I'd die if I ever lost her. It took me awhile to realize I was, am my own person and Stella was just there for the ride. But truth is, she was a big part of my life. She taught me to drive. We shared bills, plans, a life. When we broke up, when she hit me I was angry, yes, but I was truly disappointed. Because the Stella I met, right at the beginning, when I was 14 would never raise a hand to me. That's when I realized we were toxic together. That's when I realized it wasn't love. It had become an obsession. I had transferred this need to please from my parents to my relationship. I'm sorry my mother is dead. I feel guilty for not feeling more but I can't help it. I'm tired of trying to feel things I don't just because someone says I have to."

Alex's hand is on your hair, soothing and reassuring.

You see, Alex, I've always had this notion that love is supposed to feel like coming home after a long trip. Like coming home. I've never really felt that until I met you. We haven't been together long but every time I look at you, I see a whole new world, waiting for us to build and mold. I see a happiness I've never thought I'd experience. I see love. I see respect. I'm truly sorry I lied. But it's hard to see your whole life into someone else's eyes and having to decide if you'll do something that could cause it to crumble to pieces or just keep it to yourself and hope everything gets settled in time. You are everything I pay attention to, who I pay attention to. Everything else is just background noise."

You deflate like an empty balloon. Out of words and dry of feelings. Alex is staring at you in stunned disbelief and you blush under her scrutiny. It's difficult having the patience to wait for what she had to say after your whole speech.

"I truly adore you, Piper Chapman. If I get arrested I'll be pretty pissed but truth is… I love you. I'm older than you and I've never, in my entire life felt such a sense of completeness. I look at you and I picture how your face is going to look like 20 years from now, about every time I'll be able to make you laugh and the ones I'll hate because I'll make you cry. I think about everything we'll be able to live together. I can't live without you, Piper. I can't imagine not having you close, not knowing about you or having a part of my life illuminated by your smile. I need to love you, to keep loving you. I'll keep fighting for you, for us, because you deserve it. I deserve you."

You sob. Alex holds you while you cry and shushes you. For you it's cathartic. Your body is letting go of all the darkness and opening up to welcome a new beginning, love, a new future.

"Hey kid… Was that so bad you have to cry?"

She jokes but her voice is also choked up. It was difficult to not feel emotional when you could physically feel your world being tilted into its axis.

"It was horrible." You sniffle. Alex laughs.

"Alex, promise me something."

"Sure, baby."

"No more Stella, no more drama, no more. Let's be happy. I've been waiting my whole life for you. I've been waiting my whole life to love you."

Alex's smile is bigger than the sun.

"I promise kid."