Warnings: Language.

AN: Day 6, midnight and after. (Edited March 07)

IMPORTANT: Reread or skim ALL past chapters, please! I've revised so much that there are entire new sections to some scenes and things will read much more smoothly if you're aware of what happened.

The Kiss and Continuing Truth

…Ohmygod, Ohmygod, Ohmygod, Ohmygod, Ohmygod…

Think we caught that, Meyer.

Damn! Here I am the one lusting after him since the first moment we laid eyes on him and look who he kissing?!

Keep in mind that maybe some of the things he likes about Duo are your characteristics.

Does that make any difference now?

I can see where Meyer's going with this cutting thing in light of this.

Ara. That was completely unnecessary.

It absolutely was not! Heero, the man of my dreams, is kissing Duo, who's sitting there like he's in a fucking coma or something! I would think the least he should do is somehow return the favor.

You know, something tells me Heero's done this before.

I try to ignore the clamor in my mind, desperately seizing onto the smallest details of this kiss. The surprising softness of his lips, the tilt of his head, the slow sure movement of his mouth against mine, warm and wet and gentle. The roughness of his callused fingertips against my cheek, stroking softly before his hand comes to rest.

He pulls back slowly after what seems like forever and barely a second, taking in a deep breath. I realize that I've closed my eyes sometime during. That I'd stopped hearing and knowing anything but the physical. It all comes crashing back into me after he breaks that sweet forever second.

I open my eyes slowly as his hand drops from my cheek, palm soft and warm, untouched by hard work and the labor of war. There is an uncertainty in his eyes, and wariness, but also an unspeakable tenderness I had never realized could be there, in him. Especially directed towards me. Me.

"Duo," he breathes.

I lick my lips, wondering if he's testing or just sighing my name. Involuntarily my eyes dart away from his face, down the dark hall, and then back.

Thoughts not my own are crashing in on me. Accusations filled with anger, fear, upset, loneliness and need wash in, threatening to drag me down and drown me, uncertainty and questioning settle above me, a slow pressing weight, and through it all my own turbulent emotions fight to be recognized.

Still, Heero watches my face, now beginning to fidget nervously with my silence. I can't trust myself to speak or move or do anything that would unfreeze my body and possibly give up the loose control I have managed to gather. But how can I explain that?

"Duo?"

His voice, something in it, dissolves that paralyzing hold.

I swallow slowly and look down, breathing in through my nose. His scent steals my attention. Clean, fresh soap, shampoo, but not without that human scent behind it, and beyond that, gunpowder and metal, all mixed with a certain musk that has to be entirely him.

I almost feel normal for once at that moment. The only sounds I can hear are the pounding of my heart and the soft sigh of our breath.

I feel odd, a soft tingling moving up and down my body, his taste against my mouth, and the memory of his lips against mine. There's nervousness and uncertainty coursing through me, but underneath that an unfamiliar but not disagreeable and slowly building pleasure and… is this contentment? I think so. Pleasure and contentment.

And finally my reality completely returns with the force of a crashing plane. Shifting and noise, a general uncertainty and distress about what just ensued.

Ara retreats silently, lost in his own hell of loneliness and desire, nothing but thoughts of forbidden flesh to comfort him. Austin reins things in, quieting and calming, and I know that another kiss would be out of question any time soon. That thought fills me with a strange, foreign longing. And underneath it an unhappy anger that I know is going to bubble up sooner rather than later.

Safety, safety, safety…

"Would you like me to- to tell you about the others?" I breathe, looking down at my hands. I don't really see them but if I look up at all I'll have to meet his eyes and I don't think I can handle seeing the possibilities reflected in them.

Coward, coward, coward…

Yes.

There's a strange, almost neutral silence that lasts long enough that if I didn't feel the heat of his body, the weight of him sitting next to me, see the unmoving form there, I'd think he not there. As it is I'm beginning to wonder if I'm having a little 'episode' and maybe he isn't actually there, but then he speaks and breaks the spell.

He clears his throat softly. "Duo, please," he murmurs. His voice pulls at something that has been settled dormant in my heart until now. "I-what just happened." He hesitates, voice dropping a little more. "Should I not have?"

My breath catches and I turn my head, looking away. When I'm able to breathe again my breath comes shallower. "No," I whisper slowly, drawing the word out. I take in a slow breath. "It- it was fine, I liked it."

So very much.

Even not looking at him I can just tell his attention has sharpened, becoming more focused and thoughtful. Something in my tone must have caught his attention. "You liked it, but someone else didn't?" he asks.

I give a slight nod, biting down into my bottom lip, heart pounding, afraid of how he'll react, of what he'll think, of silly things that make no sense. My eyes dart over to him, catching his stare, and I don't look away from his surprisingly warm and understanding eyes. I want him to kiss me again, to feel that firm softness of his lips against mine. Oh, but I know better. I dare not ask.

"It's okay," Heero tells me softly, reaching out after a moment to let his fingers ghost across my cheek tenderly. "I understand." He's silent briefly, and then gives me a little nod that says he can let this have happened and pass by us without it changing what we've managed to build and without taking away from it. "Why don't you tell me about the others?"

'I understand.' No, I don't think he does. He can never really understand, not this, no matter how perfect he is. But that's okay. I never want him to have to understand. It's a personal pain that I wish onto no other.

I nod, breathing in deeply and releasing the pent up air from my lungs. I hadn't even realized I'd been holding it there.

Easing back down against the cushions I pet Toby a moment, and again reassured by the mere touch and by what it represents. And then to my surprise I feel Heero's warm fingers brush against my own. I look down at my hand, watching as his familiar hand covers my own, the fingers sliding between mine, holding onto my hand gently. It is oddly reassuring, and comforting, and after a second I squeeze gently, once, to let him know what that simple touch means to me. I bring my eyes back up to his face, smiling slightly.

"Well." My voice is barely a whisper and I realize how dry my mouth has become, how parched my throat. I reach for my soda and take a slow drink, assessing my state while I do so.

The others have gone silent toward me, taking stock of the situation, of the damages, of so many things that I can't keep up with the thoughts and feelings and emotions that move past me as if I'm in a cloud. At the moment I don't really care. It's happened, let the pieces fall where they will.

"Ara," I breathe, eliciting a nod from Heero. There's more I could say, but I'm feeling more than a bit uncharitable at the moment, and more than a little pissy about how Ara can sleep with anything male on two legs, and sometimes even a female, and yet he's off sulking at my first kiss.

I take in another deep breath, let it out slowly. "Austin. Austin is timeless, young and ancient all at once. When I think of him I always have this impression of a very young ordinary man, but when he turns to look at you his eyes are completely black, no white, no pupil, just black, and inside of his eyes you can see the entire universe." I give a little laugh, smiling sheepishly. "I know it sounds silly," I admit. "But that's just the way I feel. He's so reserved and mysterious, there's so little I know about him, that any of us know about him. He's just there, keeps his eyes on everything. And protects. He protects me, protects us, keeps us safe, no matter the price.

"He's smart, though no where near Ara. Aloof, detached, cool. Our psychologist appointed him to keep things moving, to give us a semblance of control, because he has an amazing determination and will, cold but always fair." I stop, licking my lips slowly, thinking about how to continue with the mystery that is Austin. In my mind I hear Meyer whisper the words, "A killer." I must have echoed them. Heero tilts his head to one side, quizzical but not intruding. I give a little shrug.

"It's like there's nothing inside of him," I explain. "No essence, no soul."

Heero gives a nod. There's a flash of expression on his face I can't read, but something in it nudges me to move off of Austin.

But hoo boy, the other two left to talk about…

Hey!

Hay's for horses, Mey. Oats are cheaper and grass is free-

Save your hay, you might marry a jackass someday, Meyer cuts in, sounding un-amused. Though it must be noted he took particular delight in saying the word jackass.

I focus back on Heero, tuning out Meyer's grumbles.

I look just past his face, eyes trained on a spot just over his left ear. This will be easier to get through without seeing his expression. My voice is slow and even, carefully not betraying my own emotions.

"Bailey." I give a little sigh. "Bailey's the one you found in the kitchen scrubbing the floor. OCD, you know. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. So, you know, in my defense, that first day and all the cleaning stuff I dragged in there – I didn't spill anything. He was making the room safe to stay in. Safe for him anyway. Totally new sheets, pillowcases, turned the mattress over, vacuumed, scrubbed down the desk and dresser and bedframe." I shrug slightly. "You may have noticed unnecessary hand washing on occasion, or obsessive straightening, the washing the dishes every night. I wasn't just doing my part, not that I wouldn't anyway, well, you know what I mean. That was all him. And of course the kitchen incident."

I stop, but I'm not done. Heero must sense it because he doesn't start to speak. I almost wish he had because it would have broken into my thoughts and I could have moved on to something else.

Might as well start with something a bit more simple. "We're not– He's not always that bad, mind you. I'm sure everyone would sure as hell have noticed all of that cleaning and doing and straightening. Usually he'll have little moments but it's nothing very noticeable. And usually when he's in a twitchier mood we can manage to avoid being around other people. Not so lucky this time, though."

I take a deep breath, looking down at the table. A small bead of water slides down the side of the soda and then onto the table, joining the small puddle of condensation already there forming a ring.

"Stress triggers the severity of his reaction," I continue, much quieter. "That's the third time that he's snapped like that. The first time Dr. G found me, and I had no idea what I had been doing. That's when he took me to see the psychologist, when I found out the voices in my head weren't normal. The second time I was barely aware of it, like I was floating above myself, watching my hands work until the brush and floor were tinged pink with my blood. I must have passed out; the only thing I remember after that was sitting on a cold table while someone bandaged my hands, my voice speaking calmly and coolly to the person. And then this last one."

I don't realize that I've started to cry until Heero's fingers brush the tears from my cheeks. I turn my head away, lifting my arm to wipe my face against my sleeve.

"This last one," I continue, voice shaking just slightly. I stop, though, looking back to Heero, eyes pleading for him to tell me I don't have to say any more.

"Are there any others?" he asks softly.

I nod, picking up the soda and taking a sip, letting the warm liquid rest in my mouth a moment as I breathe through my nose. Swallowing I bring the sheet up to my face and wipe at my eyes.

"Meyer," I say slowly, hugging the bear close again. "Toby is his, the mangas are his, the games. He's 9 or 10, 11 at the very oldest; none of us can be more specific about his age because the background on him is so shaky at this point. He's a child, but he isn't. You have to get to know him to understand, to truly see. He hates the dark, dark places are bad, enclosed spaces are bad. He has a very bitter outlook. If someone gets close to you they're either going to hurt you or they're going to leave you somehow. Nothing's ever just given to you, there's always a price to be paid." I pause a moment, thinking.

"He's been hurt. Not sure how, but he has. Deep inside he's very sad and very frightened and very insecure, but he hides it with cruelty and anger and violence. He's destruction, with the cutting," I gesture loosely to my arm, "And with his constant threats to me, to those I try and get close to. Hardly a day goes by without him making some leading comment about my death or about being seriously injured, but when things do happen… He likes the thought of it, and he likes causing the pain with the cutting, but he doesn't like the uncertainty of my being hurt otherwise. Still…"

I blink my eyes rapidly to fight the tears that are trying to force their way out, laugh coldly, shaking my head. "Between him and Bailey…" I trail off.

Heero's warm hand comes up and touches my face again. "Duo." Such a soft whisper.

I sniffle and let out a heavy breath and manage to keep control of myself.

"That's who they are pretty much, the many pieces that make me up." I let out another laugh, leaning back into the cushions with a tired sigh. "It's good to have that off my chest, you know. Good to have someone else who knows so I don't have to hide who I am all the time. But it's also so scary," I confide in a whisper. "Someone knows now, it's not all in your head, you can't deny it any longer. What if they don't accept.?"

I look to the far wall, not really seeing it. "Or worse, what if they do…?"

I look back to Heero's face, eyes widening, feeling a sudden burst of emotion overtake me. "But they're there, they really are," I tell him almost urgently, my hand rubbing along the sheet, causing a slow burn to start under the bandage, the gauze rubbing the raw skin.

"Duo." Heero reaches for my hand, taking it in his, stopping the compulsive movement.

"They are there," I tell Heero again. "I'm not going insane, they exist. When I first started therapy, gave a name to what I had, I hit denial like a brick wall. So to prove to me that I wasn't just imagining it they did this video tape therapy stuff, where they taped each of the alters and then I watched the tape afterwards. It blew my mind. It's so unbelievable, so absolutely fucking unbelievable, to see myself just- talking, laughing, moving, and knowing it's not me, that I'm not doing it. But it's terrifying." I stop, breathing hard.

Heero brings both of my hands together and covers them with his, resting our folded hands on Toby's middle. I run my thumb against the fur, licking my suddenly dry lips.

"It's terrifying," I repeat, a breath above a whisper. He just continues to hold my hands in his.