I stared at the orange ceiling trying to piece together what had happened in the past 48 hours. My body was numb with a dull ache. It had been beaten and beaten, I had bled more in those two days than in all my life, and that was a considerable amount since I was female. Still to think that Levi and Captain Hange had been behind it all, testing me...I didn't hate them. I knew it was for my, our, own good to see just how far we could be pushed until we broke. It was training for if we got caught, Commander Erwin had made mention of it before we left. I just hadn't believed they would put us through something like that so soon without any warning.
The whole experience had made me realize two things; the first was that it didn't matter how much they did to me, I had the resolve and strength to die before telling secrets. And the second was that I didn't care what they did to me, but making me believe I had lost someone important, that Levi had died was a pain so excruciating I had decided that I would rather die than live in a world without him. That had been the true turning point for me. I had stayed awake all night, not because of their description of his death or constantly coming in and out of the room I was in, but because I had been slowly coming to terms with my own feelings. Feelings I hadn't understood two days ago. In three short years, Levi had become the Earth and I was the moon, kept revolving around him by his gravitational pull. He was more than a mentor to me, more than an idol I respected; he was my strength and my courage. I loved him.
I loved him and no one could ever know. It wasn't because of my age or because he didn't return my feelings. It was because my love for him was a weakness for both of us. He and Hange had demonstrated that in the torture room by presenting him, battered and defeated before me, trying to break me. It almost worked. For the sake of the mission I was given and for our lives, I had to lock everything away.
A knock on my door broke me out of my inner monologue. "Come in." I called as I tried to sit up, the covers falling around my waist and exposing the big ugly bruise on my stomach as well as the bandages around my chest. Levi and Hange walked in, Blair limped behind them, all bandaged and battered, along with two others I didn't recognize.
"How are you feeling today?" Hange asked sitting on the edge of my bed and giving me a quick look over.
"I feel like I've slept for a month." I replied hoarsely. Hange smiled so sweetly I almost forgot that my injuries were partly because of those hands. I shook the thought from my mind and repeated that it had been for my benefit.
"Well we thought we'd let you sleep as much as you needed. But since you're awake now we have to go over some things." the captain replied and motioned for the two strange men to step forward, "This is Mike Zacharius, Second Lieutenant." Second Lieutenant Mike Zacharius stood taller than anyone I had ever seen, taller than Ezra by a good head and a half, and muscular. His impassive face was framed by his blonde hair parted down the middle and swept to each side. I could just see the hint of facial hair gracing his chin.
"And Luke Siss." Siss was shorter than Mike, but then most people were, and smiled as he stepped forward, running a hand through his long black hair.
"Uh, nice to meet you." I said still unsure of what was really going on. Luke grinned wider and chuckled, "We've met." My eyes widened. I knew that voice. They were the ones who were in the room with Levi and Hange.
"Yeah...Down there, right?" I asked bitterly. Both Hange and Luke gave me sympathetic smiles and I forced myself to lighten my tone. "You guys really had me going. Good job."
"Actually, that's why we're here." Luke said as he walked over to stand behind Hange, "We documented the entire exercise, everything that was said between both parties, everything thing that was done and how the sub- I mean, how you handled it."
"What Siss means is that Erwin is impressed." Hange said to answer the stupid look I was giving both of them, "He wants you and Blair, and your squads, to join us on our next expedition outside the walls in a few weeks. By then all your injuries will be healed enough to get back in the saddle, as the saying goes." I frowned and looked over to Blair who stood next to Levi at the end of my bed. I knew he had been wanting to get out and kill some titans, and frankly I had been itching for the chance for years. But that was before we had been put in charge of two teams. We had more than our own lives to consider now.
"What do you think?" I asked him. Blair shrugged, wincing slightly at the pain it caused him, "Personally I think the Commander knows what he's talking about. If he didn't think we were ready, he wouldn't have suggested it."
"I just love the way they're already working with each other!" Hange gushed to no one. Levi had been silent this entire time and it made me curious. Usually he would have had something to say by now, whether it was nice or not. My gaze shifted to him and locked his cool, grey eyes instantly.
"Oh...Ohh." Hange said after several long seconds of silence, "You three, come with me. I left some medicinal...stuff in the other room. Ares, we'll be right back with the stuff, okay?"
"Um...okay?" I replied giving the Captain a wary look. Blair, Mike, Luke were abruptly pushed out of the room by Hange, leaving just me and Levi. With a sigh, Levi moved to take Hange's former position on my bed.
"Tell me honestly, how are you feeling?" he asked leaning forward on his knees and not looking at me. Did he feel guilty or was it just my imagination?
"Everything hurts and I'm pissed off." I replied, "But I'll be okay." I'll be okay because I know you're alive I finished in my head. Levi looked at me without sitting up to see if I was actually telling the truth, he seemed pleased with what he found.
"Under normal circumstances, you know Erwin would never allow new recruits fresh out of training to go on an expedition, right?"
"But we don't exactly fall under 'normal circumstances', and I'm fine with that. It's just the thought of having other people's lives in my hands that scares me." I admitted, "I don't want anyone to die."
Levi finally turned fully around to face me, there was something different about the way he regarded me. Something I just couldn't quite put my finger on. "I'll be honest with you, Valentin. You were ready for this years ago, you have experience that the others don't have."
"Seeing titans up close?" I asked. Levi shook his head, "That is one advantage, yes, but not the one I'm talking about. You know what it's like to lose people you love. Your parents, your brothers and Kitcha were all killed and there was nothing you could do about it. I know that, if given the chance, you wouldn't hesitate to act when put in that same position again." he said, his words filling me with a strange confidence. My biggest fear was that I would get outside the walls, come face to face with a titan and just freeze. I was terrified that my friends would die because I was unable to conquer my fear and that was something I hated more than titans. Cowards.
"I can't tell you what to put your faith in, yourself or your comrades, that's your call. I can't tell you which is the right answer either because it's something I'm still trying to figure out for myself as well." My eyes widened at his confession. Levi, the man who was well known as humanity's strongest soldier, the One Man Army - the man who had the power to protect everything he cared about, was still questioning his own strength.
"But," he continued, "the one thing I know for certain is that you will make the right decision." I frowned at my bandaged hands resting in my lap. The intensity of his gaze was overwhelming.
"How can you be so sure?" I asked. Levi lifted my chin, just like he had done back at headquarters, and stared so fiercely into my eyes I actually stopped breathing for a second.
"Because I have faith in you." he told me just as Hange and the others burst nosily into my room chatting about something. Levi dropped his hand but his words echoed through my head. I have faith in you.
"Nice talk?" Blair muttered spitefully as he glared at Levi who hadn't moved from the side of my bed. I opened my mouth to reply but Levi beat me to it.
"Braun was in charge of your exercise, wasn't he?" Levi asked as he slowly stood from my bed. Blair raised an eyebrow as Levi walked towards him.
"He was, sir." Luke replied when Blair didn't. Levi stopped in front of Blair and looked him dead in the eye, I could see Blair's fist clench and sweat form on his forehead.
"He should have hit you harder." Levi growled before walking out of my bedroom and into his own next door. Blair let out an audible gush of air, relieved that he didn't get hit.
"Well that was interesting." Hange said brightly before turning to the other three, "Thanks for helping me with this stuff and now it's time for you to get out. I have bandages that need redressing and wounds to clean, and I'm sure Ares doesn't want you three to see her naked." Blair blushed bright crimson as Hange pushed him and Luke out of the room. Mike had started to leave when Hange began to speak, already sensing the situation. I pouted as the door closed as I was left at the mercy of the crazy captain.
The weeks went by slowly, the hours ticking by at a snail's pace. For the first week, I'd stayed in my room trying to ignore the stinging pain from my back and being miserable in my feelings. Hange said it was normal for me to feel the way I did after being put through that level of torture. I didn't want to argue that my mood was brought on by the realization of irritating emotions that I could never act upon. Briefly I wondered whether this was what Blair had been feeling like all those years before he finally gave in and told me. Oh God, what if I end up just blurting out my feelings for Levi? I had asked myself. Thankfully Hange had occupied most of my time by making me help with experiments, although that usually meant reading through old books for me.
"I probably don't say this a lot, but I'm really thankful for your help Ares." Hange told me, I didn't bother looking away from the report I was reading and Hange never expected a reply when I was concentrating. I had been down in the basement for two weeks and at first I'd hated it. I wanted to be outside sparring or practicing with my 3DMG, even riding had looked better than sitting in a dark room for hours on end. But eventually reading through old books and reports became interesting, there wasn't much the Survey Corps knew about the titans besides the things we were taught, but I'd discovered that the Survey Corps had been capturing titans and studying them in secret.
"You know, I thought that you would be more inclined to be out training to slaughter titans instead of in here studying their mannerisms and reading dusty old books." the captain continued. I smiled at the text,
"Truth be told I was but if humanity wants to win we have to know all we can about the enemy. It's not idealistic, but someone has to do it." I replied as I moved to read the next report. My eyes scanned the unfamiliar text briefly before I called Hange over, "What language is this?"
"It's not written in another language." Hange replied standing behind me and peering over my shoulder. I looked up and jumped - Hange's face was so close that if once of us moved wrong we would end up kissing. The captain had personal space issues and was generally always in someone's face, but this was on a whole other level. This was 'I can feel the fine hairs on your face' close.
"Uh, Captain...?" I asked unsurely trying to lean away. Being close to Hange always made me feel uncomfortable, I wasn't sure whether it was because of my own personal space issues or more due to the mental and physical torture I was put through some weeks ago, but I would've much preferred being a hair's breath from a titan. And then it happened...the inevitable.
"What?" I saw it happen in slow motion - Hange's head turning in my direction, mouth already forming a small 'o' from curiosity. I cursed my ability to only be able to move a fraction of an inch away before Hange's lips were on mine. I wanted to push Hange away, or at least move backwards more but I was frozen, too shocked to move. I assumed the captain was the same as neither of us made a move. Time seemed to stop in that moment for eternity and all I could think was 'Ugh, this is so awkward. I should do something but my body won't move...Why isn't Hange doing anything?! Why did it have to be Hange?'
"What the hell is going on in here?!" a voice more terrifying than death demanded from the doorway. Time started once more and with a small shriek I shoved the captain violently away from me as I stood, knocking the chair over in the process. Levi stood in the doorway, hands on his hips with a very pissed off look on his face. I'm dreaming, I'm asleep in my bed having this terrible nightmare. I definitely wasn't just kissing Captain Hange, even if it was by accident and in no way my fault, and Levi didn't just walk in and see it. He's also not glaring furiously at me right now...Shit.
"Oh Levi! You should knock before entering a room you know." Hange said airily as if nothing had happened. I lowered my gaze to the ground, too ashamed and embarrassed to even glance at Levi fuming by the door. I was in so much trouble. There wasn't even a word to describe sheer magnitude of it.
"You." I flinched, knowing that Levi was talking to me, "Get the fuck out. Now." I didn't hesitate, I had never seen Levi this angry before and I wasn't going to stick around to see just what was going to happen. My arm brushed his as I basically flew past him, the heat radiating off him was scalding. As soon as I was clear Levi kicked the door shut, it shuddered violently in it's frame. I waited for only a moment until the sound of skin on skin told me it would be wise to get as far away from the scene as possible.
Levi glowered down at Captain Hange Zoe who was slowly standing up after taking a blow from Levi's left hook, although Hange was his senior and this could be counted as insubordination, no one was immune to Levi's wrath.
"Well that hurt." Hange commented simply, although the gleam in the elder's chocolate eyes told Levi that there was more anger to the comment than first intended. Levi scowled and booted the Captain in the chest,
"What ever sick experiment you're working on leave Ares out of it. I don't give a shit if I get the firing squad, I will kill you if you fuck with her." Levi growled dangerously. Oh boy was he pissed. Up until a few seconds ago he had been perfectly content in keeping his feelings for the girl locked tightly away. But seeing her kiss someone else - Four Eyes no less - all his control went out the window.
"Well this is surprising - the 'Isle Unto Himself' Lieutenant Levi has feelings for a girl." Hange mused snidely, "Very interesting indeed." Levi gritted his teeth and grabbed Hange's collar, pulling the elder closer,
"Keep talking if you want to die." he warned as the two glared at each other. No one touched his woman and got away with it, at least without all of their limbs. Hange, or Erwin for that matter, was no exception.
The monster within him seethed possessively; Ares was his. Suddenly, after those few intense seconds, Hange broke into a grin, "Whoa, you really are scary! But you know, I'm not actually interested in Ares Valentin at all. What you saw was just an accident. Although I'll admit she's pretty, especially when she's concentrating, and her body is definitely better than average-"
Levi growled a warning
"Sorry, heh. Even if I was interested in her on a romantic level, I can't compete with you." Hange announced. Levi frowned and released the captain reluctantly and sat down heavily on an empty chair. With his anger dying out he realized just what he'd done. He knew he needed to get a handle on this before it got out of control.
"Four Eyes, you really do talk too much." Levi said pinching the bridge of his nose, it was the best apology he could do right now. He would never admit it to anyone, but Ares' exercise in torture had affected him more than he let on. He wasn't himself and it would be long before others would realize it too if he didn't control himself.
Just then, Hange's words caught up with him; 'I can't compete with you'. "Wait, what are you talking about? Can't compete?"
Hange giggled and moved to pick up the chair Ares had knocked over, "For someone who's usually so intuitive, you are so blind when it comes to her. Why is that?"
"I don't know. I can't understand her and it pisses me off." he replied earnestly. Hange made a thoughtful noise which only irritated Levi more. Still, he wanted to know what the hell Hange was talking about.
"Levi, Levi, Levi. I don't know what you did to her, or maybe she's just masochistic, but that girl only has eyes for you." Well that was certainly news to him, although now that he thought about it, it didn't seem wholly impossible. Ares was strangely attached to him.
"So what are you going to do?" Hange asked head cocked to the side curiously as Levi stood.
"In regards to Ares? First I'm going to punish her for fraternizing with a senior officer, then we'll see if she survives this next expedition." he replied turning on his heel and walking towards the door.
"You aren't going to make her clean again are you?!" Hange called after him.
I was sitting in the canteen with my friends and some of the other soldiers. I had intended to go straight to my room but Blair had caught me in the hall, seen the paleness of my face and decided I needed a strong drink. Everyone was chatting animatedly while Blair tried to coax me into telling him what had happened. I flinched as the door was flung open. The noise turned silent and all eyes, but mine, were on the Lieutenant standing glowering in the doorway. I stayed perfectly still with my eyes on the ground.
"Valentin." his voice rang out into the large room and bounced off the walls.
"What did you do?" Blair whispered as I stood, shaking his hand off, and began walking towards Levi. He turned on his heel and briskly strode down the hall, I followed at a reasonable distance not wanting to be too close. When we reached his quarters, he held the door open and motioned for me to go inside first so he could block any chance of escape. I decided to jump right on the defensive before things could get worse.
"Before you start yelling at me, I want to explain what happened."
"No need. Four Eyes told me everything." Levi said leaning against the door and folding his arms over his chest. The look on his face told me that it wasn't news he wanted to hear which left me wondering just what in the hell Hange told him.
"It really was an accident..." I whispered meekly feeling small under his cold stare.
"Was it? Didn't look like one." he replied icily. This was getting ridiculous. If Hange told him what happened why was he still so pissed off? Why was he pissed off in the first place?! Unless...No, he couldn't possibly be jealous.
"Levi, I-"
"Not interested." Levi said shutting me up straight away, "And it's Lieutenant to you, Corporal."
"Sir." I said immediately and shifting into a salute, it had been years since I'd called Levi by his rank which meant this was very serious. Levi stepped around me and stared harshly down at me.
"Fraternizing with a senior officer is against the rules, did you know that Corporal Valentin?" he asked me, acid in his tone. I gulped, actually I had never heard that rule before. But truth be told I didn't exactly study the military handbook, unlike Ezra. "Actually, it's a pretty serious crime. However, since we can't risk killing you, I will have to come up with some other kind of punishment."
I stayed silent while he circled me like a predator circled it's prey, thinking about what kind of cruel and unusual punishment I was going to receive. I hadn't thought that what happened was so serious, after all it was an accident. I've punched Hange before, in the face, and the punishment I got for that was nowhere near as serious as this.
Levi stopped in front of me again, a chilling smile on his face. My stomach dropped. If I had to choose between going outside the wall on foot with no weapons or standing here, I would take on the titans.
"From now until the expedition, you are on cleaning duty. You're to clean every inch of this place. Your activities have been suspended until I say otherwise. You will spend each and every day sweeping, mopping, dusting and polishing until your hands are bleeding. I want to be able to eat off this damn floor, do I make myself clear?"
"Sir, yes sir." I replied trying not to sound as deflated as I felt. My injuries still hadn't fully healed and he knew it, so it made sense that he would want to give me a painful reminder not to break rules again. He grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him,
"Perhaps this will remind you that your body belongs to me. Now get out of my sight." he growled. I blinked and turned on my heel, wanting to get out as fast as possible. I was lying in bed, tossing and turning as I tried to sleep, when I figured it out. Levi hadn't been pissed off, at least not as much as he had been when he'd seen the accident. He was, in his twisted way, playing around. Testing me again to see what I would do and how I would react. I had fallen right into his trap, damn it. And now he had me cleaning for the next week. That bastard.
Sterculus seemed excited to see me as I walked towards the stables with my squad in tow. Survey Corps members rushed around grooming, feeding and saddling their horses or adjusting their gear to make sure it was all working well. Others were preparing carts with supplies or checking the gas cylinders. Everyone was nervous. Just like us, many of the soldiers here hadn't been outside the wall before. A few days ago Erwin Smith and the ex-Commander, although technically he was still known as the Commander of the Survey Corps outside the military, Keith Shadis had arrived with the rest of the Survey Corps. Since none of us knew what to call him, we'd all just started calling Keith Shadis "Commander" as well. Neither he nor Erwin had said corrected us.
As I looked around I was surprised to see the other members of the 97th trainee squad who joined, I had thought we were the only new recruits being sent out. The fact neither shocked or comforted me. Blair strolled over to where I was brushing down my horse and rested a hand on the gelding's neck. "Nervous?" he asked with a wide grin. I shook my head,
"Not really. I've had weeks to prepare myself." I told him returning his smile, "What about you?"
Blair laughed his carefree laugh, "Hardly! I can't wait to get out there and kick some titan ass!" Suddenly he became serious and took my hand as I glided the curry comb over Sterculus' shoulder, "I'll have your back no matter what, Ares." Blair's beautiful face had been marred by a scar running down the side of his cheek making him look less like a pretty boy and more like a grown man. It didn't make him any less attractive though, if anything it made him more so. I had been so caught up in training to get stronger, and in my own misery, that I hadn't spent much time with my friends, especially Blair.
With a soft smile, I wrapped my arms around his neck in an embrace. Blair didn't hesitate as he hugged me back, his long arms wrapping around my middle. "Stay safe." I whispered in his ear. I felt his smile in his tone, "Always."
The officers joined the rest of us at the stables as we were finishing our last minute preparations. I searched for Levi and found him standing with Erwin and Keith Shadis discussing something in depth. Well, the Commanders were talking. Levi was standing there impassively.
"Ares, Blair." Hange said coming over to us, "I'm glad you two are together. Here are your maps. The circled area is where your squad is to take formation." I took the rolled up paper from Hange and looked down at it. Someone, Hange I assumed from the scrawl, had outlined our places in detail. We would be in the center of the convoy near the back with the other new recruits behind us.
"You're in the safest position so there's no need to worry." Hange continued seeing the look on my face, "Levi and I will be up with the Commanders at the front, and should anything happen we'll protect you. All you have to do is worry about your teams, okay?"
"I know it's supposed to be comforting," Blair said when Hange had left to join Levi and the Commanders, "But it has the opposite effect."
"I know. They're going through all this trouble to keep us safe, it's a little patronizing." I agreed resiting the urge to pout, "Still, orders are orders."
"And we are slaves to orders." Blair said grinning again. I smiled back at him brightly. After a few more minutes, Blair went back to his own horse while I mounted mine and made my way over to where the rest of my team were getting ready. Red was joking around with some of his friends while Sora, Klaus and Ezra looked on disapprovingly.
"We'll be leaving soon, so make sure you've done everything you need to." I said loud enough for Red to hear. He waved his hand signalling that he'd heard me and continued on with whatever he was talking about. I rolled my eyes and turned to the other three.
"I heard from Hange that you three did surprisingly well with the um...exercise." I said refusing to say the word torture. Ezra scratched his head with embarrassment and looked away,
"Hange's probably exaggerating on my behalf. I gave up after an hour." he said, cheeks turning pink. His expression changed to excitement, "But Klaus didn't even say a word."
"Ezra..." Klaus whined, it sounded strange coming from him since he was usually so stoic but Klaus was naturally humble. Being the center of attention made him feel uncomfortable.
"Anyway, what we were put through was nothing compared to you and Blair. Was Lieutenant Levi really in charge of your..." Ezra trailed off also not wanting to use the T word. I pursed my lips, I didn't know if Levi had been in charge, per say, but he played a big role in it.
"I heard Commander Erwin had been the one to sanction it." Red said as he finally joined us, "But Captain Hange had demanded to be there to make sure Levi didn't go too far."
"Yes, and Levi is really a fire-breathing monster." I snapped harshly making them stop talking and look at me and instantly felt bad. It wasn't their fault, they had just been repeating what some of the soldiers had said. I sighed and added in a softer tone, "I can't tell you who had been in charge of the whole thing, but yes it was Levi and Hange."
"You two should have known better than to make remarks like that." Sora chided Ezra and Red, "It was difficult for everyone, you would understand that if you lasted more than an hour." Ezra lowered his head ashamed while Red just scoffed and walked away to get his horse. He would act tough and unaffected by Sora's words, but Red felt just as guilty as Ezra did. It was the same as when Levi chewed him out about being an ingrate to Blair and I for trying to help him. He shook it off by being a smart-ass because he didn't want anyone to know how he really felt. It was just the way Red was.
"Let's go!" Commander Keith Shadis yelled, his strong powerful voice echoed through the trees but soon was subdued by the earth shattering pounding of hooves. Blair and I took our positions near the back of the convoy as we thundered towards Shiganshina and the gate. Sterculus' seemed more than comfortable with the pace as he galloped along but grew restless as we neared the inner gate leading into the town.
I had remembered a scene like this from my past. Men, women and children of all ages lined the streets. Some looking at us with large glistening eyes; I had once been one of them. Although I had wanted to join the Garrison, I'd still admired the Survey Corps for their bravery. A young boy pushed through some adults to get a better look, catching my eye. It was almost like looking at my reflection when I was his age. His cheeks were dirty, his hair messy under his big hat, but his face was full of wonder. I could tell from looking at him that he was an orphan. He caught me looking and smiled a magnificently huge grin, his cheeks turning pink with glee. I offered him a small smile in return before putting my calm mask back in place. Up ahead I could hear one of the other soldiers giving a quiet pep talk to keep everyone calm. Glancing back at my team I could see they were nervous.
"You should say something." Blair whispered to me from my left. As if agreeing, Sterculus snorted and I patted his neck. What should I say? I wasn't intimidating like Levi and I didn't have the commanding presence Erwin had, so I wasn't sure if anything I did say would result in being inspiring or just stupid. Sensing my hesitation, Blair smiled gently, "I could use some reassuring too..."
I swallowed the lump growing in my throat and turned in my saddle to address my team, and anyone one in ear shot who thought my words were worth listening to; "I know for a lot of you this is your first time outside these walls. It is for me, too, in a way. This may be strange for me to say but I'm just as nervous as you. The best advice I can give you right now is don't let the fear grip you. You will feel it, it will crawl over your skin and sink its teeth into your bones, paralyzing you. If you let fear do that, you will not only risk your lives, but those of your comrades. Remember that, and fight through it." By now the recruits from the 97th as well as the soldiers close enough to hear and even some of the civilians were listening to me, "We've been training for this moment for years. We have spent hours preparing ourselves. Trust in your commanding officers, trust your comrades or trust yourself; and if you cannot trust any of those, trust in your instincts whether it be flee or fight. No matter what you believe in, don't let the fear win." I let my words sink in before turning back around to face the front.
"That was great." Blair said once the chatter resumed, "Really, you sounded so much like Erwin." I blushed from his compliment; Erwin's speeches were awe-inspiring. I turned around again but this time only spoke loud enough for my squad to hear me.
"Contrary to what I just said, don't try to be a hero." I told them, my gaze serious as I looked each one in the eye, "If you know for a fact you can do something, do it. But if there is even the slightest thought of doubt, don't risk it. I would rather have every one of you alive and feeling guilty than dead and a hero, understand?"
"Yes, sir." Sora and Ezra both said as Klaus nodded once. My eyes shifted to Red who was next to Ezra, "That goes for you too." Red's golden eyes flicked up to my face to see if I was serious. It's true that Red and I didn't get on much, I was too serious for him and he was too stupid for me. But he was part of my squadron and I wasn't going to let any one of my men die, despite whether I liked them or not.
Shadis yelled the order. My heart pounded louder than the hundreds of hoof beats on the stone ground. This was it. This was where three years of harsh training, blood, sweat and tears had led me. Racing outside the gate and into the world beyond it. Finally, I could get some retribution. Finally...I could fight.
Wall Maria was some distance behind us when the call sounded. A titan had been sighted. Fear and apprehension coursed through my body and I closed my eyes to shut them out. Pictures of my parents and brothers flashed in my mind, my breathing became shallow. An image of Kitcha smiling at me appeared in the mix. I can do this...fight the fear. Fight the fear...
"Delilah!" My eyes snapped open at the sound of my name. I was no longer on my horse but flying through the air, a titan stood meters before me. My squad was at my back and other soldiers around me, whizzing through the trees. What had happened? How had I ended up off my horse in the forest heading straight for the titan? Who had called my name? Glancing around I saw no one I recognized except for my squad. It couldn't have been one of them. I stopped on the branch of a tree as three other Survey Corps members took the offensive against the titan. One of them, a man a couple of years older than me with blonde hair, swung down behind it.
"Have a taste of humanity's power!" He yelled furiously. I watched on, trying to gather my thoughts and my senses - losing either one out here could mean death. Then suddenly a heart-stopping cry of agony and terror ripped me out of my daze again. The titan had the solider in it's grasp, the other two lay dead. Ezra and Sora were yelling and shaking me, asking what we should do. Red had his hand over his mouth trying not to vomit, even Klaus was pale. The fear...the fear has them...it has all of us... I thought. I knew I had to snap out of it, I had to fight. I had to protect them.
"Ares!" Blair called as he glided towards us. He flashed me a brilliant smile as he passed, "What are you waiting for?!" He was right. Why was I just standing there letting the fear take hold of me? I had been trained for this, I had wanted this. I had been watching these bastards all my life and they were nothing new to me. I knew what they could do, I'd seen it first hand.
I shook my head and turned to my team, "Listen up! The attack team has been taken out, that means we have the job of killing this asshole. There are four teams below us, still on the ground who are trying to distract it to give us a chance to do our jobs! Let's not let them down." All four nodded although they were still terrified. I still had no real idea of what was going on, but it was obvious that this titan needed to be killed. Afterwards, we could reunite with the main group and I could find out what had happened. I jumped off my branch and followed Blair.
I watched as Blair sailed effortlessly around the titan's big head, he seemed so relaxed. He was in his element. It was inspiring. The titan turned to follow him, unsuccessfully trying to swat him away, or eat him. But Blair was too fast. He laughed carelessly as he flew past me again. His laugh lifted my spirit and suddenly I wasn't afraid anymore. I looked back to the giant monster before me, still trying to catch up with Blair. It's mouth was pulled into a huge, unnatural grin showing off it's bloodstained teeth. Blair appeared out of nowhere and glided across it's line of sight, so close he would be able to touch it's nose if he put out his hand. The titan reached up to catch him.
"Not this time." I growled as I threw my dual blades into it's eyes. The titan howled in agony, ignoring Blair momentarily to clutch it's face. I shot an anchor into it's shoulder so I could finish it off, but just as I landed Blair whizzed past at a blinding speed, his blades cutting deep into the back of the titan's neck. It fell forward, dead. I jumped onto a tree branch as it fell. Blair landed opposite me on a lower one and grinned.
"Ha ha! Thanks for the set up, Warrior Princess!" he called to me playfully, "Looks like I'm beating you already!"
"You cheated!" I called back grinning just as widely as he was. Blair was amazing. He didn't feel fear out here like I had, he knew what he had to do and was ready to do it. It was just natural for him. I was glad he was with me.
"You weren't quick enough!" He laughed back teasingly. I joined in his laughter, totally forgetting about my earlier fear and the death that lay around us. Being around Blair made me feel lighter, he made me feel confident. I couldn't imagine being without him.
And then, just like that, I was reminded of how terrible and cruel reality was. A 15-metre titan stepped out from behind the cluster of trees near Blair. My eyes widened and I screamed out his name, "Blair!" His smile dropped as he turned in the direction I was pointing. The world stopped and shattered. I couldn't move, I couldn't think. All I could do was watch as a meaty, giant palm hovered in the air. Blair looked so small underneath it, so small and fragile. No...please...no... I prayed, please don't take him.
My heart pounded in my chest as I watched on, unable to move or turn away. Blair's beautiful face contorted in horror and fear as he shot out an anchor towards something - anything. I whistled through the air but never hit. The hand got closer and closer until it was right on top of him. Move! God damn it, move! I didn't know whether I was talking to myself or to him, but my prayers were ignored. Blair disappeared beneath the hulking tanned skin. Blood splattered out and pooled beneath it. I swear I could hear Blair still screaming from under it.
It had all happened in a matter of seconds, but it felt like years. My hands shook, my breathing short and ragged as I stared at this monster that had just crushed my best friend like a bug. As I stared at the blood, tears rolling down my cheeks, my vision became as red as the trees. I screamed out my fury and launched myself at the titan. An anchor sunk into the tree behind it making it finally acknowledge my existence. It turned too slow, my newly attached blade cut deeply into the corner of it's mouth, opening it's cheek wider and spraying blood on me. I spun in mid-air and dove straight for the back of it's neck, digging my bladed deep into it's skin. The titan cried out in pain as I hacked as viciously as I could. I didn't want to kill it quickly. No, I wanted it to suffer. I wanted to prolong it's death as much as I could. I stabbed and stabbed as it fell to the ground, and kept on stabbing until I couldn't feel my arms anymore. Then, when it was nothing but ashen bones, I detached my dulled and useless blades and flew back up to where Blair was.
I felt cold and numb as I stared at his limp, lifeless body in the pool of blood. He looked so empty, like all the spark and spirit had left him. I dropped to my knees and pulled his head into my lap. He was still warm. His big blue eyes gazed up at me, tears of blood still dripping from them.
"You said you would have my back...You said you would protect me." I whispered to his corpse, "You can't leave me now..."
"Delilah." I closed my eyes at the sound of my name. This time it wasn't an illusion. Levi didn't have to say anything else. I reached down and ripped the Wings of Freedom patch from his green cloak and stood, clutching the bloody fabric in my fist. I wiped away the tears with the back of my hand, a new resolve filling me. Now was not the time nor the place to grieve. It was time I took my own advice and stopped bitching out.
Levi's cool grey eyes regarded me sympathetically as I turned around. That was all he could do right now and we both knew it. With a nod, confirming that I could manage, I went back to where my team where standing, horror-struck and crying.
"Tighten it up." I demanded harshly, "We're not finished out here."
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Red screamed, "Blair just fucking died and you just went full goddamn psycho on the titan!"
"Meredith!" I growled making him shut up, "We have a job to do. If we don't finish what we came out here do to, Blair's death and the deaths of those who have died so far will mean nothing!"
Red took a step back. My words burned him but after a second he reined in his fear and nodded, understanding what I was saying. I looked to the others; Sora stood huddled between Klaus and Ezra, Klaus' muscular arm around her shoulders. Ezra, although pale and still in shock, stood just as emotionless as Klaus. I looked past them at the last three titans gathering around the main group, each trying to catch as many of our comrades as they could.
"Let's finish this and go home." I said in a softer tone than before.
The mood was sombre and melancholy as the remaining members of the Survey Corps marched through the gates of Shiganshina. We had lost so many comrades and received nothing out of it. I could barely feel my feet as I walked along the stone street, leading Sterculus who was carrying a wounded soldier on his back. The crowd had gathered again but this time the had caught onto our despair and stayed mostly quiet. Some of the children who were too young to grasp the situation still watched on with wide eyes and smiling faces but none of us had the strength to look at them. We had failed.
"Braun? Braun?! Please, where is my son?!" an elderly woman called out, her voice clenching at my already frayed heartstrings. Braun... That name was familiar to me. Oh yeah, he'd been in charge of Blair's torture test...Heh, ironic...
The convoy stopped as the woman ran up to ex-Commander Shadis and begged him to tell her where her son was. I watched from my place nearby, Sterculus nibbling my cloak gently. Shadis motioned for something and a soldier still able to walk handed him a wrapped object.
"What's going on?" the wounded man said from astride my horse. He had received a nasty injury over his face somehow so they'd bandaged his whole head from his nose upwards.
"Commander Shadis is giving her what's left of her son." I told him. He didn't reply, but he didn't have to. We were all thinking it; at least we could recover something. Her wail echoed through us, resonating with how we were all feeling.
"He was useful, wasn't he?! His death wasn't for nothing, right?!" She begged. I watched as Shadis dropped to his knees in front of her and gripped her shoulders,
"Of course he was!" he declared but then stopped. He glanced back towards all of us, his face growing more and more grave. "No...The expedition...We failed! We didn't make any progress at all! And I...I just led everyone to their deaths! All these soldiers died on my orders! I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry!"
I let the reins go and walked over to where Shadis was kneeling and screaming. Everyone was staring in horror at him. The Commander of the Survey Corps was a broken man, crying in the streets. I couldn't stand it.
"Get up, sir." I said resting a hand on his shoulder. Keith Shadis looked up, his eyes filled with grief and darkened by tragedy, "You're making a scene." I could hear whispering from the crowd asking how I could be so heartless and cold, and whispering from my comrades.
"That's Ares Valentin," someone close by whispered, "she saw her best friend die right in front of her."
"How can she be so calm?" another asked, "I'm barely holding on..."
"Commander." I said ignoring their whispering, "We need to keep moving and you're holding everyone up. We have wounded, sir." His brown eyes refocused as he stared up at me, finally understanding my words. I released my hold on his shoulder and took a step back to allow him to stand with what little dignity he had left. In doing so, my eyes fell on a young boy. He was shocked like everyone else, but his blue eyes still held a strong determination. I knew then that he would wind up joining us one day. At Erwin's command, our convoy pushed on back towards our base an hour away from Shiganshina.
We had only left Shiganshina twenty minutes before we heard a huge explosion from behind us. Once again the convoy stopped and turned to see what had happened. Smoke was rising from the other side of Wall Maria but we couldn't tell whether it was from within the city itself of outside of it.
"Valentin, you and your team go and investigate." Erwin said as he stopped beside me and dismounted.
"Sir, are you-" Hange asked giving me a worried look.
"All I'm asking is to see what's happening and report back." he said in a gentler tone. I nodded and helped the injured man off my little gelding. Mounting up, I headed towards the back where my team were walking with the remaining members of the new recruits. Only a handful of them had survived.
"Mount up." I told them, "We've been ordered to investigate."
"But what if it's titans?" Sora asked me, her lip quivering at the thought of having to fight again. I sighed, I didn't want to fight again either. I was exhausted, mentally and physically but orders were orders. And we're slaves to orders.
"Our orders are to investigate and report back. That's it." I told them. Relief washed over Sora's face as she climbed onto the back of a horse offered by one of the recruits. Hers had been stepped on during a fight. The five of us rode back towards Shiganshina and the strange noise that had occurred there. I could hear the panicked cries and screams from the people withing.
"We'll leave the horses here and proceed with our gear." I told everyone and shot an anchor into the massive wall. The wire sizzled as we ascended into the air.
"What the hell?" Ezra asked mirroring my thoughts. Something had broken open the front gate and titans were pouring in. How the hell could something like this happen? Titans didn't have the brains, or strength to do something this, else they would have done it years ago. I ran along the wall and jumped from roof top to roof top to get a better look. It was a massacre, civilians and Garrison soldiers alike were running scared or lying dead. I wanted to help them, I wanted to save them but we would be five against twenty, maybe more. We'd had over 100 men in the Corps and had trouble with five titans, losing more than half of our people. We five wouldn't stand a chance.
"What do we do?!" Ezra asked me. I shook my head in despair, "There's nothing we can do. Ezra, Red - ride back to the main unit and report exactly what you see. Tell them that the outer wall has been breached and titans are invading Shiganshina. Go, now!"
"Yes, sir." both said in unison and disappeared back over the wall. I turned to Klaus and Sora, "Klaus take the left side. Sora, you take the right. I'll head down the middle. Watch everything, help if you can but remember our orders are to observe. Do not engage a titan unless you absolutely have to."
I tapped the flare gun on my hip, "This will be the signal to withdraw. When you see it, drop whatever you're doing and get your asses out. That's an order. Move out!"
"Sir!"
I ran forward, forgetting my earlier fatigue and unwillingness to fight. This was serious and far more important than personal feelings. The impossible was occurring right now - a wall had been destroyed. This fell under my jurisdiction now, although I was still unsure whether it had something to do with the mission Erwin had tasked Blair and I with.
I stopped amongst a group of Garrison soldier gathering on a rooftop, "What happened?"
"Y-you're with the Survey Corps, right? They're here helping us, aren't they?!" one of the soldiers asked, his voice shaking with fear as he gripped my shoulders. I slapped his hand off and stepped away.
"Tell me what happened. Now." I demanded putting on my Levi voice. A tall man with dark hair told me everything. A 60-meter titan had appeared and kicked in the wall, allowing more to wreck havoc on the city. I blinked at him, positive I had misheard him.
"Did you say 60-meters?" I asked him. He nodded, "We could see its head clear over the wall. I can't believe it either, and I saw it." I frowned and looked around, searching for this apparent colossal titan.
"Where is it now?" I asked them. The man shrugged, "No one was paying much attention after it kicked the wall in. Must have walked away." I thanked him for the information and continued further in, fighting against myself to not help out. Then I saw him - an abnormal. He stood at 15-meters high, muscular and had what looked to be armor plating over his body. I had never seen anything like it. He crouched low, getting ready to charge. I fired the flare at my hip; the city was lost and judging from the abnormal titan's body structure and point of interest, Wall Maria will be breached. Our job now was to get as many as we could behind the safety of Wall Rose.
I ran with the abnormal titan towards the back wall, watching everything he did until he finally crashed through and I jumped over it. Below my standing point atop a windmill, civilians who didn't make it to the boats screamed in terror.
"Jesus Christ..." a tall blonde man whispered as he watched on as well, "This is it...We're all going to die here."
"No." I told him, I may not have been able to fight but I could still use my voice. The blonde man jumped, realizing I was there, and turned back to face me. He looked about mid 30's and scared out of his wits. "Call a retreat and fall back to Wall Rose."
"I can't do that!" he declared, "What about all those people down there?!" I looked him evenly in eyes. I could tell this was the first time he'd ever seen the horror of the titans, he wanted to do the hero thing and save people but he was terrified. That was the reason he was on the windmill.
"The city is lost and you will only die if you try to save those people. That's one less soldier to get retribution. Retreat, and live to fight tomorrow. Sometimes it's all we can do." I said before whistling to my horse and jumping down. I hoped that he would listen to me and realize that fighting anymore would be suicide and unnecessary.
Night had just fallen when I reached the base. Those who could still walk were busy packing supplies and injured into wagons, their faces still drawn from today's failure. I wasn't sure if anyone had actually told them what had happened after we'd left, but it was certain that we'd been ordered to evacuate as soon as possible. I didn't bother unsaddling Sterculus, but instead left him to drink and eat what he could before we would have to inevitably set out again towards Wall Rose and walked towards Erwin's office. He needed to know what had happened. I had never seen the building so alive as when I walked in; it somehow seemed that we had more people than when we left. Erwin's door was open as I walked down the hall, a warm glow emanating from within. Klaus and Sora stood before him, back's straight and hard faced. Red and Ezra were no where in sight, but Levi, Hange, Mike and Shadis were with them.
"Valentin, you're back." Hange greeted me as I stepped through the door way. Both Klaus and Sora turned to me, relief washing over their features. Obviously they had thought the worst when I didn't return with them.
"Report." Erwin ordered me. I took my place between both my friends and looked Erwin deep in his blue eyes, "Wall Maria has fallen." Sora gasped beside me, her hand shooting to her mouth in shock. Even Klaus made a small noise of surprise. Erwin's face stayed impassive and I figured he had already guessed as much.
"The Garrison soldiers I questioned reported seeing an abnormal; a 60-meter colossal titan as they called it. No one knows for sure what happened to him, but after he kicked in the outer gate allowing the titans entrance into Shiganshina, he disappeared. Two boats of refugees managed to escape the fall just before a second abnormal - a 15-meter with armor plating - broke through the back gate. The Garrison tried to hold off the titans but there's far too many. We'll be overrun in hours."
Erwin sighed and stood to walk over to the window. For a moment I imagined myself being back at headquarters, standing in Erwin's office with Blair. Blair...where is he? He should be here too.
"We could stay and fight but it would be pointless. We've lost too many as it is. That being said, I don't particularly want to run back to Wall Rose with my tail between my legs. Still it seems we have no other option. We're retreating gentlemen." he declared still staring out of the window. I nodded once and turned on my heel, I needed to find Blair. Just shy of jogging, I quickly made my way down the hallway to his room. I hadn't seen him since the forest and I wanted to make sure he was okay. Pushing open his door, I called his name expecting him to be in there packing. What I found was an empty room. His bed was neatly made, his clothes hanging in the wardrobe. On his desk some papers were strewn across it, reports and names of contacts within Wall Sina and the Military Police. On the corner of his desk sat two framed sketches. The bigger one was a drawing of all of us; Klaus, Ezra, Blair, me and Sora. I picked it up and gazed at it. I remembered this. Sora had drawn it for us the day of graduation and given us each a copy. I had one in the box along with Kitcha's Garrison patch and some things from my family. I placed the frame back in it's place and picked up the other, smaller one. It was another of Sora's and another memory I shared. It was a close up of me and Blair. We'd just finished sparring with each other so we were sweaty, our hair clung to our faces. Blair had his arm around my shoulders, something he often did, and was grinning widely. I smiled back at him happily. At the bottom a message was scrawled in Sora's elegant handwriting, 'As long as you still smile, I can do anything.'
Blair... An indescribable pain clutched and squeezed my heart as I remembered Blair's face contorted in fear. I shook my head, no I didn't want to remember. I didn't want to see it. I dropped the frame back onto his desk, it clattered noisily but didn't break. Blair was alive and somewhere in the building. Probably trying to calm his team down. Sora was standing in front of the door, her hand outstretched, as I opened it.
"Ares?" she asked, her eyes red-rimmed from crying, "I, uh, I wanted to pack his things..."
"He can pack them himself." I said pushing past her and striding back into the crowded hallway. My stomach heaved as another memory of Blair's face flashed in my mind. No, no, no. I wasn't going to think about that. I had to forget.
I marched down to the kitchens and threw open cupboards and barrels search for the bottles I had seen so often. Just when I thought they had all been tossed or packed away, my hands glided over the smooth, cool glass. The wine bottle was covered in dust, it was old which meant it was good. The cork popped off with a loud bang and rolled away into the darkness. It was warm and sharp, the bitter liquid burned my throat as I drank. It was the first time I had had alcohol before and the liquor went straight to my head. My vision blurred and soon I could no longer taste the wine's fruity tang. My thoughts and memories became fuzzy as I stumbled back up the stairs. I wanted to go to Blair's room again, perhaps he would be there now. But my feet wouldn't let me, instead I wound up standing in Levi's room having shoved the door open. He stood staring at me completely bewildered.
"Levi." I slurred, my voice sounding foreign to me, "God, is that what I sound like? Hah, weird."
"Ares...have you been drinking?" he asked me. I held my finger to my lips, "Shh, don't tell anyone. I found some wine. Wanna share?"
"No." he said coldly. I shrugged and took another mouthful. Some drops of wine spilled from my lips and I messily wiped them away with my hand. Levi continued to stare at me so I stared back. He was still in uniform, but he had taken his jacket off. His hair was windblown and a touch dishevelled like he'd just woken up. That, coupled with the look he was giving me, made him look damn sexy.
"Kill joy." I whispered huskily, lust and alcohol completely dominating me. Levi's brows knotted together as I strode purposely towards him. My body seemed to remember how to walk properly now that I had a reason.
"Ares, what are yo-" I silenced him with my mouth, kissing him hard and forcing him to take a step back. His hands clutched my shoulders tightly and he pushed me back.
"No." he growled, glaring harshly.
"Yes." I told him and attacked his lips again. Suddenly the world was spinning and he slammed me hard against the wall before breaking the kiss again. "No. Drowning your grief in alcohol and sex is not the way to handle Blair's death, Delilah." I froze, my hands dropping from his shirt. He'd said it. Levi had confirmed what I'd been denying. Blair...My Blair was dead.
A switched flipped inside me, illuminating my darkness and I felt a wave of sorrow and pain crash into me like a hurricane. I broke, no longer caring about my image as a leader or being strong. My tears, like a dam bursting, gushed down my cheeks and I sobbed uncontrollably just like when Kitcha had died.
"I failed him!" I wailed, "He trusted me and I let him die! I couldn't do anything, I couldn't fight. I just - I just stood there and watched! I can't do this, I can't! I can't fight them, I can't lead anyone! I'm going to get them k-"
My eyes widened; cool grey eyes pierced me and gazed at my naked soul as his lips pressed against mine, begging me to understand. It was like Levi was taking all of my sadness, anger and heartache into himself and replacing it with calmness. Slowly I returned to myself and although I was still dizzy from the wine, I was regaining control. I felt like an idiot, like a child. How could I have acted so irresponsibly?
"Don't ever talk like that again." he said softly when I had calmed down. I looked away from him feeling embarrassed and ridiculous, but he cupped my cheek and raised my head, "Look at me. Blair's death wasn't your fault, there was nothing anyone could have done. And you can do this. You're strong." I blinked back the tears that were threatening an encore and dropped my head again.
"I'm scared everyone I love will be taken from me again. It's already happened and I..." I trailed off not really wanting to finish my sentence, but I knew I had to be honest. I didn't have the strength to keep my feelings locked away anymore and now that Wall Maria had fallen, who knew how long we had left to live. Hell, I'd already kissed him anyway. "I don't want to lose you."
Levi's gaze remained the same, like he had been expecting my confession. His hand was still on my cheek, it was hard and strong but beyond comforting. "You won't." he said, "I promise, I have no intention of going anywhere." His thumb brushed away the stubborn tear that had escaped my barely there hold. My shoulders relaxed at his promise; of course only he could say what I needed to hear. Levi was strong, brave and so very capable. I had told my friends to trust their instincts if they couldn't trust anyone. Levi had told me he still wasn't sure whether he should trust himself or his comrades, but he had faith in me. I still didn't know which was the right decision, but I believed in his abilities. It was time I believed in my own.
I apologize if this is hard to read. I had intended to have spaces between the sections, however for some reason they wouldn't show up no matter what I did. The same goes for any previous chapters with the same problem. If anyone has any idea on how to fix this, it would be greatly appreciated.