"WHO ATE THE LAST OF THE BROWNIES?!"
Dean winced, then tried to escape. Unfortunately Sam was all too happy to abandon his brother to the fate of a doomed man, because he tripped him without any hesitation. The evidence of Dean's raid on the baked goods was still very much present on his mouth when Lina stalked into the room. She took one look at the dusting of powdered sugar still on his mouth, then reached for her gun which Sam had gotten her upon learning she lost her powers for four very long days during that time of the month.
Naturally he never told Dean this tidbit, as he found his brother's reaction to Lina on a rampage hilarious. Now he had something to shut his brother up whenever he complained Sam was 'acting like a girl'.
"Target practice. Five minutes. Outside," said Lina with no uncertain terms that she would hunt his ass down if he tried to escape her wrath.
"We were out of pie!" said Dean, trying to at least divert his irate sister-in-law from trying to shoot him in the ass. Again. For the fifth time since Lina married Sam.
"Dean, just let her shoot you once and get it over with. We both know Bobby will just tell her where to look if you try to hide," said Sam, turning the page of his book.
Bobby grunted in agreement, mostly because he also got some private enjoyment out of Dean learning a very healthy respect for women.
Seeing the look in Dean's eyes, Sam sighed.
"I might be able to calm her down...but it'll cost you."
"Name your price," said Dean immediately.
"I get to pick the music next time we go out on a hunt. And you have to eat something healthy for a week."
Dean winced.
"It's your choice. Get shot by my hormonal wife, or have to deal with something other than mullet rock and eating somewhat healthy for a week. And before you ask, I'm not cruel enough to take the pie away."
Dean seriously considered it. Pain, or having to deal with not having pick of the music. Decisions, decisions.
"None of that new pop crap and you have a deal."
Considering neither Lina or Sam liked that particular genre overly much, it was an easy agreement to make.
Dean reluctantly admitted Linkin Park and Nickelback weren't too bad...but he still preferred AC/DC.
At this point he was still trying to come to terms with the fact that he wasn't in control of the music.
"So what's the case?"
"Suspected demon deal, so hell hounds at the very least," said Sam.
"Joy. I get to practice on whether or not the Ragna Blade works on demons."
"You still promised to teach me that one," said Sam.
"Your reserves aren't nearly big enough to handle even trying to cast it. Hell, you can barely use a Dragon Slave, and that's the most widely known high level black magic spell there is!"
It was widely known mainly because next to the fireball it was Lina's favorite. And she wasn't shy about using it. And before the Lady gave her such a massive boost, she could barely use the Ragna Blade at full power for more than a few minutes.
Okay, whatever she thought the king of the crossroads would look like, she honestly would not have guessed he was so...so...British.
"So, Doctor Who, are you going to let that poor bastard off or am I going to have to freeze your face off with this nice portable tank of liquid nitrogen down your throat that's been blessed?" asked Lina, her hand on his collar.
Crowley eyed the tank.
"You actually blessed the tank?"
"You're talking to someone who blesses every bottle of liquor I get my hands on so demons will burn the same way angels do when doused in a holy oil Molotov Cocktail," deadpanned Lina.
Crowley eyed Lina with some respect.
"Red hair, blazing eyes, short temper and even shorter in height, about a C-cup chest and married to that Moose. You're Lina Winchester aren't you?"
"What do you know...a demon with an actual brain. Will wonders never cease."
"What do you care about that schmuck anyway?"
"I don't, but Sam and Dean do. And frankly it's easier for them to believe I'm not a hack-job witch so long as I at least try to pretend that I give a damn about anyone but my friends. I used to destroy entire towns with a single spell and it never made me loose any sleep over the fact they had to rebuild," said Lina flatly.
"Bullshit," said Crowley.
"Do you know of the Delacruz, Giovanni and Romanoff mafia families?"
"We've had a few dealings with certain members, why?"
"I was the one who went in and wiped the families out overnight and pissed off the Feds after their ass," said Lina.
A demon could tell when people were lying, a crossroad demon, more so. And Lina Winchester wasn't lying.
"Those craters were your doing? It was beautiful seeing the suffering of those idiots and collecting the souls early because they pissed off the wrong person. Are you going to be doing similar damage to Azazel?"
"Who?"
"Old yellow eyes."
"Absolutely and anyone else who's stupid enough to piss me off. I've already trapped Yellow eyes once and then stuffed him in a salt bag that later fell into a septic tank that hadn't been cleaned since it was installed," said Lina.
Crowley's laughter made her smirk.
"You keep pissing off the others and leave me be and I'll let the idiot go. You're too entertaining to get rid of."
"...Want to exchange numbers so I can tell you more about how I cause human suffering and introduce you to my world's version of demons?"
Time to make Xellos suffer for once dammit.
"How much suffering?"
"I'm called the Bandit Killer and the 'Enemy of All Who Live' respectively because I generally could care less about wiping towns off the map," said Lina.
She was never going to revive that damn Dragon Spooker nickname, and with any luck Xellos would never mention it either. If he did she would so make his life a living hell.
"Sold," said Crowley. This woman was too amusing to let go. Too bad she had already married the moose.
"How the hell did you get him to back off?"
"Told him he could call me up for tea and a chat...in exchange for me not shoving the blessed tank full of liquid nitrogen down his throat and spraying him with it."
Sam kissed his wife on the lips.
"Get a room you two! And how the hell did that scare him off?" asked Dean.
"I called the King of the Crossroads and apparently amused him so much that he agreed to let him go. Though I did make plans to drag Xellos with me to make his life a little more miserable. Besides, so long as I'm screwing up the plans of other demons, he actually likes me," said Lina.
"I'm actually more terrified of the fact that the King of the Crossroads happens to like you than I am of you on your period," deadpanned Dean.
"To be fair, one of my nicknames was the 'Enemy of All Who Live' because of my casual disregard to the damage a single well cast Dragon Slave can produce and my overuse of the spell in question," said Lina. "And it's less of him liking me and more along the lines of me being a very willing accomplice to pissing off the more powerful demons and helping him get even higher on the pecking order."
"Oh. That I can live with," said Dean.
Lina pissing off demons? Yeah, he could live with that idea so long as she kept him out of her fun.
"Speaking of rooms... we better get separate ones tonight Dean," said Sam, giving his wife a look.
"On one condition," said Dean.
"What?"
"She does NOT ring my damn cell phone while I'm taking to some random tramp. I don't know how you changed my ringtone to that but I don't need the gay guys hitting on me again!"
"What, I thought you liked the classics?" said Lina impishly.
"Not those kind of classics!" said Dean with a whine.
"Lina, can I borrow your phone for a minute?" asked Sam, when Dean was out of earshot. Lina smirked and handed it over.
Sam called Dean, and then he heard it and burst out laughing.
"I thought Dean learned to hide his phone from you after you put that full frontal picture of...that...on it as his wallpaper."
"He hides it from me. He can't hide it from Xellos," said Lina. She just told Xellos to change his wallpaper to some pretty provocative Wincest fan art and his ringtone to 'Macho Man'. Dean's scream of horror had been particularly satisfying and Xellos had enjoyed the distinct feeling of disgust, revulsion and absolute horror coming from the older Winchester. It was addicting!
"Remind me to give him some ideas later," said Sam smirking. Lina's ongoing prank war with Dean was fun. The fact he could slip some in and Dean would think it was Lina's doing was a blast...and it kept Dean from trying to smother him.
He was too busy trying not to piss off Lina and learning how far he could push her before she tried to set him on fire.
Fortunately he wasn't stupid enough to give Lina the same mother-hen attitude he once gave Sam.
Made living with Dean a lot easier, now that he had someone to buffer his brother.
Lina grinned at her husband and pulled out a book that had Sam dragging them back into the room and locking the door.
Interesting positions took a whole new perspective once you mastered the floatation spell...and figured out how to hold it during the fun parts.
Dean had never been more jealous of Sam and his wife than when Sam let that little tidbit slip.
"Just so you know, I hate you all and I find this entire thing a monumental pain in the ass," said Lina, being holed up in a clinic was not her idea of fun.
"Can't you do anything?" asked Dean.
"I can find who the hell sent Sam that vision and roast their ass slowly. I can kill all the infected with a single attack and still have energy to deal with anyone stupid enough to piss me off. I can turn your skin pink for a week," said Lina.
"No more Kool-Aid pranks. It took forever to get the smell of blue raspberry and lemonade out of my hair," said Dean. Sam snorted in amusement remembrance. Dean had looked like someone out of the Blue Man Group for a week after that prank. Lina planned to use food coloring next time. Frozen food coloring so Dean didn't realize what was going on.
"Wait, what do you mean kill them?" said the lone soldier of the group.
"I mean that unless you people have a solid plan on how to reverse that crap in their system, and before you ask Sam I don't have anything to do that, let alone the power for it, the easiest thing we can do is put them out of their misery. Of course we'd have to vacate the area pretty quick if we want to avoid the Feds," said Lina.
"You're in trouble with the law?"
"More like they're pissed I ruined several undercover operations in a few mafia groups when I wiped out a couple of gang families. Good thing they didn't look up, and the survivors were too terrified of telling them what I looked like."
Technically she wasn't in trouble, but the idea of the Americans learning about magic gave her migraines no amount of liquor could cure. That and she had seen one too many movies where they had screwed things up, even if most of those were fictional. They didn't need the help.
Then she saw the same boy Sam had seen in his vision. The one Dean had 'killed'.
Oh it was so on now. She took three quick steps towards him before she punched the bastard in the face.
"Lina, what..."
"I've gotten really good at identifying demons since that idiot tried to kill me before we left Stanford. This fool's possessed and I'd bet you anything he's behind this damn plague or whatever the hell it is."
"What."
Dean reached into his pockets to find a packet of salt. He tore it open and threw it on the kid Lina had bitchslapped.
Hearing him scream was all the confirmation he needed.
"Have I ever said how much I love your wife?" said Dean.
"No, but I doubt it'll save you the next time you piss her off," said Sam, snorting.
"What was that?"
"Table salt. Demons can't stand the stuff," said Dean.
Sam and Dean managed to force the demon into another room where Lina was left alone with it for an hour.
When she finally killed it, the infected vanished. They had no idea where, or why.
"Well?"
"Apparently yellow eyes had children. Remember Meg?"
"Yeah?"
"That was her brother. Little shit apparently didn't get the memo about me, or she neglected to mention I kicked her out on her ass. Either that or Xellos killed her," said Lina, frowning.
With the place cleared of the infected, and the demon forcibly exorcised and the kid given an amulet to prevent a second possession, the trio left back on the road.
It didn't surprise Dean in the least that the Master Sergeant took his advice to contact Bobby and become a hunter.
"Oh he is so dead."
Finding out Gordon was planning to kill Sam gave her all the reason to put him in the same category as bandits.
The fact he had missed and damn near hit Lina, more so.
Gordon didn't know what hit him, let alone the fact Lina had zero tolerance for those that tried to kill her or her traveling companions for any reason.
Setting him on fire with a Gaav Flare brought no sense of satisfaction, but a deep sense of relief.
The only good enemy was a dead enemy.