Chapter 10

AN: I know I've gone AU on Season 2 so far, but I just thought the part involving Sarah in season 2, episode 11, Graveyard Shift, would be interesting with Sarah now in cardiology and with Connor etc. I've only run with the part that involved Sarah, not the entire episode. Hope you like this chapter!

Sarah walked into Med the following morning with a huge smile on her face. She was hoping that she and Connor could have their usual morning coffee together again. Back to better times, and she couldn't stop herself from smiling at the thought. Though she reminded herself to lose her smile because April would definitely know that something was up. But every time she tried to, all she could think of was their first kiss, and that only helped to make her smile bigger.

She ducked into the doctors' lounge, slightly disappointed that Connor wasn't there, but went and got changed and got her caffeine drive started early. She was going to need it.

A few nurses came in and out, and Sarah was nearly finished her coffee before the doctors started changing shifts. Natalie, Ethan and Dr Charles and a few of the cardiology came by to prep. Connor came in afterwards, when she was in the middle of discussing the pros and cons of a procedure with Dr Charles, but he caught her eye and smiled. It was like a weight off her shoulders, knowing that she wouldn't have to avoid him anymore.

Shift change was happening, so she was walking to the elevator with Dr Charles when they met Ms Goodwin briefing Maggie.

"We're got another traffic accident people. Look alive." Maggie started talking above the general chatter. "Anything that's not an emergency case, can wait. We've got a school bus pile up. Ambulances arriving. Let's move."

"Daniel, we're going to need you here." Ms Goodwin mentioned as she passed by the pair. "I'm alerting the departments, more residents are on their way…"

"Dr Rhodes, the bus driver, he's yours." Maggie called and Sarah watched as Connor rolled a trolley by her. It seemed like everyone was already helping the ambulances with the children that were piling in. Sarah felt conflicted, she needed approval before she could help, but Dr Kingston was on a week holiday and she hadn't the chance to meet the surgeon on call.

"Dr Reese, with me?" Connor asked as he passed by, there was a lack of staff for the onslaught of patients flooding the ED. She didn't think twice about helping him. That was enough approval as she needed, he was a cardiology fellow, it would have to do.

"Yeah," She nodded, following him into the cubicle and started compressions as Connor intubated and they set up the monitors.

Sarah started a central line, and Connor took a few quick x-rays.

"You're a natural at that now." Connor commented and she smiled, but she didn't have time to think about him, about them. They had work to do. She moved back and forth, around Connor. They had a flow while working together, the same since day one. They could communicate on looks alone and it helped to speed up their work.

Sarah felt her heart sinking, the man wasn't going to make it.

It was difficult, the man lost consciousness, and they lost his pulse twice. She had to watch his vitals drop, while Connor tried to stabilise his heart before surgery. He started haemorrhaging. Badly. His heart was badly damaged and couldn't support the damage done to his lungs and stomach.

Resuscitation didn't work.

"Dammit." Connor sighed and took a step back. "I'm calling it…?"

"Yeah," She nodded in agreement, though despising the fact. She hated not being able to save everyone.

"Time of death, 08:42." He took off his gloves and shook his head.

"There was nothing more we could do." She told him, because she didn't want him carrying it around with him.

"I know." He looked over to her and smiled sadly for the briefest of moments. "It never gets any easier." She didn't miss the pain in his eyes, she ached to reach out and make him feel better, but it wasn't the place.

He closed the curtain behind them and told her he'd see her later when someone called his name to come and help.

"Sarah!" April nearly ran into her, "Ethan needs a hand in treatment 4."

And that was how her morning went by. Helping out where she could, and taking charge with patients when she had a moment. It was draining, and heart-breaking, seeing so many children in pain. But the staff got through it like they always did, together.

"Hey." She greeted Will, Natalie and Doris who were in the doctors' lounge when she caught a break.

"Hey Sarah." Natalie tried to smile.

"Rough morning." She sighed. "Those poor kids."

"Tell me about it." Natalie said, glaring at the screen in front of her.

"I think the last of them have been treated, just back to as normal as it gets around here." Doris said, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Cardiology will be missing you at this rate, Sarah." Will commented. "You were here last shift too, weren't you?"

She laughed, "Yeah, I don't think they'll go as far as missing me yet, but they are warming up. I'm going back up there now."

"Thanks for your help down here." Natalie said, as she went over to root in her locker.

"Oh I'm sure she doesn't stick around here for us Natalie." Will started smiling his insufferable smile again.

"What are you talking about?" Natalie shook her head.

"I'm just saying that her and Connor work well together is all." Will held his hands up in defense.

"Oh I saw you two were working on a patient before," Doris commented, "How did it go?"

Sarah shrugged, "Didn't make it, I'm afraid."

"Oh I'm sorry." Doris said, before she excused herself and went back to work.

Sarah looked back over to Natalie who was staring at Will, trying to decipher the second meaning to his words. She had to leave the room before Natalie did figure it out. She figured she would tell everyone eventually, just not in the middle of work.

She made her way back up to cardiology and checked in with Jenny. She helped another resident on their rounds. Interesting cases, but nothing they could do immediately. She loved to learn about the variations in cardiology between the different patients, something there was a lot of. She was scheduled in for surgery after lunch, something she missed from her time in ED and got the questions that she was asked correct. The on-call surgeon even commended her for noticing the abnormality in the case that they were working on, something that the senior residents didn't immediately pick up on. Every little victory was worth it, she thought, she would earn their respect eventually.

Another emergency bypass surgery and her shift was coming to an end. The operating theatre felt too small after a while, too long in it and it started to feel like it was closing in around her. It was just a change of atmosphere, a change of pace, something else to adjust to, to learn about. She made her way up to the roof to get some fresh air before changing and starting her next consecutive shift.

She gazed out over the city when she heard him approach. "There you are." He smiled, before settling beside her at the railings, his hand brushing hers. Not enough for people to notice, but enough to make her heart skip a beat in her chest.

"Coffee?" Connor asked, holding up a cup for her. "A little bit later than when I had planned but..." He shrugged, "How was your shift?"

"Long." She decided that was the best word to describe it but thanked him when she took the cup. She was going to need it. Another twelve hours to go. "How was yours?"

"Long." He nodded and bumped her shoulders with his. "I had a patient in the OR, we were so close to saving him…just another minute…" She watched as he shook his head and glared out into the scenery in front of them.

"I'm sorry." She whispered and all she wanted to do was hug him close.

"Thanks." He looked back to her with such intensity that she wondered if anything else around them even existed anymore. "So the night shift huh?"

"Yeah." She moved the cup in her hands back and forth between them.

"Just…" He seemed to think about his words as he turned so his back was facing Chicago and looked to the side to her, "…as far as I can tell, you're one of the only cardiology residents on call tonight. And it's usually down to any cardiology resident around to call time on any patients that…" His words hung in the evening air around them.

"But…" she was suddenly at a loss. "But my bedside manner... I don't know how to…I can explain the facts…but I can't…"

"Sarah. You're one of the most caring people I know. And you can do anything you put your mind to." He placed his hands on her shoulders, calming her slightly.

She just wished she had the confidence in herself that he had in her.

"Thanks for the heads up." She tried to smile. "I better get back to the lounge, I have to change…" She frowned, it was preoccupying her mind now, having to pronounce patients dead…

"I'll walk with you." He said, falling into step beside her.

Where the distance between them before had annoyed her, their closeness now excited and calmed her at the same time. Their arms would bump occasionally and they were so close together as they walked, but always far too apart in her opinion.

He filled the walk with talk about the list of sights he was thinking they should visit and she mentioned the ones her sisters wanted memorabilia from. It was what she needed. A distraction from work, just for a few minutes before another twelve hours. He distracted her, in a good way. She noticed the tension in his shoulders easing as they walked and chatted easily, she was glad she could distract him from the hard day's work as well.

They were walking along the empty hallway, nearing the exit, when he stopped to turn to her.

"Call me, if you need anything..." He said, suddenly so much closer.

"Yeah, I will." She smiled briefly before he glanced around and kissed her gently.

It was warming, knowing that he wasn't going to chastise her for being hurt, for caring, like Joey had. He just cared about how she was dealing with everything.

"I'll see you later. Have a good shift." He told her, letting go of her hand as he walked in the direction of the exit just as a doctor rounded the other corner. Sarah smiled after him before turning and taking the elevator down to the doctors' lounge, hoping the doctor didn't notice their intimate behaviour.

She stopped to talk to April and Doris in the cardiology bay for a while, before making her way to the lounge.

"Hey Reese." Ethan greeted her from where he was packing his bag. "You not going home?"

"No. I volunteered for a night shift, it seemed like a better idea at the time." She laughed softly, sitting down.

"They always do." He laughed along before heading towards the changing rooms and the door opened again and Joey walked in. She hadn't talked to him since they broke up. Maybe a hello in the hallway but never one to one. She was unsure of what move she should make.

"Hey Joey." She attempted a smile in his direction.

"Sarah." He said with a bob of his head.

"Em…how…how are you?"

He scoffed from the kitchenette where his back was turned to her, "I'm not doing as good as you are, apparently."

"I'm sorry?" She frowned, what was that supposed to mean?

"So you gave up on us and you dating that doctor the entire time huh?" He turned to face her. "Beth from pathology saw you guys a few minutes ago. Don't try to deny it."

She swallowed. News travelled exceptionally fast around Med. "Joey. I never cheated on you. I wouldn't do that." She said, standing up.

"You move on pretty quick though, huh?"

That made the hairs on the back of her neck rise. She didn't like being goaded. She didn't like how he got to be annoyed, when he dumped her. He had been fed up with her complaining about her job, now she had found someone who wanted her to talk about it. She wasn't going to regret it. And he didn't get to insult her anymore. Wasn't she now the very version of herself that Joey didn't want?

"That's not fair." She said. "You didn't want this anymore. I'm not the old me, remember? And you're the one dating the new student. How am I supposed to know that you don't just have a new student every year?"

"Yeah, well, your new doctor won't waste much time on you. You're not Dr Zanetti are you?"

That hurt. That was like a slap to the face.

"Is everything okay here?" Ethan had reappeared and broke the loaded glares that had settled between her and Joey. She wondered how everything got so toxic between them. She supposed not many couples made it when they worked in such a high-risk environment together.

But that only made her worry more.

Joey mumbled something about ED doctors before leaving the room and leaving Sarah fuming.

"You okay Sarah?" Ethan asked, picking up his bag.

"Yeah. Yeah I'm fine." She shook her head but then nodded.

"See you later. Have a good shift."

Ah.

Right. Another twelve hours. Of mulling over Joey's words. Of apparently having to call time on deaths of patients. Of working in an environment where her colleagues didn't quite like her yet, but if news travelled so fast, she supposed, they definitely wouldn't like her now. Her first double shift couldn't have come at a worse time.

She assisted in two heart attack patients that needed emergency surgery under the on-call surgeon before Connor's prediction came through. Sarah was five hours in and hoping she could continue with the relatively calm work when she was paged.

One of the nurses was waiting for her in the ICU when she had rushed down from the cath lab.

Sarah didn't blame the nurse. The woman needed a doctor. It was protocol. The nurse, in fairness, even gave her a stethoscope and acted out how it should be done for Sarah.

But it didn't make it any easier. It broke Sarah's heart to relay the news to the patient's son. She knew her bedside manner needed work, and the paranoia at her own abilities just made it all worse. She just hadn't grasped how to mix the compassion she had with her medical training and the diagnosis's she had to give.

In the space of the next few hours she had had three more patients to pronounce dead.

She couldn't complain about not getting enough practice. It was horrible, it made her stomach drop and she had to blink back tears after every call.

And she was so tired.

"Dr Reese? Dr Gellar would like to see you." A nurse stopped Sarah in the hallway.

"Oh, ok, thanks." She said before changing her direction and heading in the way of the on-call surgeons office.

"Ah, Dr Reese. How are you finding the night shift?" Dr Gellar asked as he invited Sarah in and shuffled around some papers.

"It's…different."

"It is a change of pace." The man smiled in understanding. "There's nothing wrong, I'm just catching up on some of my paperwork for what I'm covering for Dr Kingston. Dotting the I's and crossing the t's. And, I'm sure it's a simple clerical error, but you were in cardiology on time this morning? You were at my surgeries, so I can vouch for your attendance today." He smiled. "But I don't see you signing in for your consultations with Dr Baker this morning?"

"Actually, no, I was in the ED, there was an emergency case, I explained the situation after to Dr Baker though, he understands."

She watched Dr Gellar's carefree demeanour change in an instant.

"I'm sorry? Were you cleared to be in the ED? You were clearly assigned to be shadowing Dr Baker."

"Em…Dr Rhodes needed my assistance…"

"The man you're seeing?" He practically shot Sarah between the eyes.

Sarah swallowed, well technically they hadn't been on a date yet, but by the way Dr Gellar was looking at her, she hardly though the specifics of their relationship was what Dr Gellar was worried about.

The other doctor sighed, "We have shadowing and mentoring in place for our new residents Dr Reese, we expect them to make the best of it. And I, like Dr Kingston, I'm sure, do not approve of private relationships interfere with your professional life."

"I understand." Sarah argued, "It was an emergency case. I didn't help because of Dr Rhodes and I…"

"You have promise, Dr Reese. You could go far, especially from what I have observed from your work today. But I expect better of our new residents than breaking our rules for the sake of private relationships. Consider this your first and only warning. You're excused."

Sarah wasn't used to getting into trouble. She followed rules to a tee since she could remember. She had understood the need of flexibility in the ED though. She decided that maybe the change in her wasn't such a bad thing.

She just nodded and mumbled something between an apology and thanks to Dr Gellar before leaving. She missed the staff she knew, she didn't know anyone on the night shift, and she wanted a friendly face right then.

To top it all off, she was called to pronounce another patient dead.

She was somewhere between being numb and being overloaded with emotions a few hours later.

Too much caffeine, too many dead patients, being reprimanded, and being practically insulted by Joey left Sarah completely drained by the time the sun rose and change of shift was signaled.

She left the hospital but didn't even remember how she had got to the door that was in front of her, but knocked anyway.

"Sarah?" Connor's voice sounded as soon as he came to the door. "Sweetheart, what's wrong?"

Sarah shook her head before resting it in her hands.

"Sarah?"

The only answer she could give came out in muffled sobs. She felt pathetic. Utterly pathetic. And so tired.

She didn't register what was happening until he seemed to surround her. His scent, his arms, pulled her close and wrapped her up in him. She finally gave way, and wound her own arms around him, crying into his shirt.

"I can't do this. I've messed up everything. I've had too many deaths in one day. And the poor patients families! I'm not going to be good enough. I'm letting myself down, you down, the department down. I'm not who you should be with…I'm not your type, I'm awkward and…And I'm so tired." She stifled a sob, placing her hand in front of her mouth, wincing at the headache she had. But needing to give some explanation as to why she would just turn up at his door this time in the morning.

All the time, he just nodded, and kissed her hair and led her inside to sit down.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, I shouldn't be here, I…" She kicked herself, because she had cried at him before they had had a first date. That would surely make him change his mind, he couldn't like this new her, Joey definitely didn't…

"Yes, you should." He said, "I'm glad you're here okay?" He pulled her back to him when she tried to leave. "Shifts like that, they get to all of us at some stage. You just rest. I'm right here. And I don't plan on going anywhere Sarah." He said as she dropped her head to rest on his chest. "And you're a brilliant doctor, and an amazing person..." He kissed her head again and she found herself relaxing. She could hear his heart beating under his shirt, enough that it lulled her into a deep sleep.