Part One
Chapter Ten
Author's Note: This is what I like to call 'necessary filler.'
Peeta,
Today I went to Mount Sugarloaf, which is just a few miles from Haymitch's. It's hard to think of it as a "real" mountain, but the view from the top is pretty spectacular. Someday I'll bring you here so that you can see it for yourself. You'd love to paint the landscape. Mount Sugarloaf: the spot seemed to be named for a baker. Get it?
My job is actually…fascinating. Thresh (my boss) seems to tolerate me and has been teaching me the very basics of roasting. I have no grand ideas of becoming a master roaster anytime soon, but the botany behind the beans is right up my alley. He plans trips to South America and Africa with the sole purpose of building relationships with farmers and bringing back the beans to create new blends with fair trade. And to think, I've just been sucking back the Dunkin' without giving a thought to the science behind it.
The staff here is pretty laid back. Thresh is the owner and spends a lot of his time traveling, teaching baristas around the country (you read that right…there are schools for baristas) and working with fair trade organizations. He's opened a few cafes in town and will most likely expand to other areas in New England. Finnick is one of the baristas on staff. He's pretty full of himself and assumes he's God's gift to women, but he's not a bad guy. Finn pulls an incredible shot of espresso so maybe that confidence is well-placed.
That leaves Johanna, who is a raging bitch. There's no other way to describe her and she'd call herself the same, so go ahead and close your mouth. Johanna's been at Esselon for years and kind of does a little bit of everything as long as it minimizes contact with the patrons. But the customers have become so accustomed to her personality that she's seen as an endearing fixture instead of the crass woman she is. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't find her lack of a filter almost refreshing…I envy her honesty and if she would allow it, I'd probably consider her a friend.
I love you,
Katniss
…
Peeta,
Writing to you kind of makes me feel like you're here with me. Truly, I don't know what it feels like to not have you in my life. You've become so ingrained in it, I think that I have taken you for granted. I know I have. But in my own selfish way I feel you here with me now, holding my hand and telling me that somehow this will all shake out. And if it didn't work out exactly how we'd planned it, you'd kiss me and love me anyway.
You've always had everything planned out and organized. Aside from my little lists, my flakiness must have driven you nuts. I'm sorry I couldn't get my shit together.
Have you ever felt like you were drowning? Every decision I've made has been made with the knowledge that it would affect someone else positively or negatively. And knowing that, how could I not choose what would make people happy? I want you to be happy. I want Prim to be happy. I want to find out what will make me happy, and I want to know if all of that happiness can coexist. Do you think it can? Annie says that the more I love my decisions, the less I'll need others to love them. Why can't it be both?
Maybe I'm making this more complicated than it has to be.
How can you be so sure about everything? About us?
Katniss
…
Peeta,
When you were first brought into the ICU, I didn't know where to touch. You were as pale as the sheets on the bed. You didn't look like my Peeta, but you were alive.
When you first woke up, I saw your eyes. Not filled with sadness or anger, but concern for me. Concern for what you assumed I must have thought of your new reality. I thought you were perfect.
After that, your eyes were guarded and cautious but mostly I saw disappointment reflected in them. Disappointment in me. You always wore your heart on your sleeve, and you always betrayed every emotion in your eyes. I could get lost in them. I often did.
You said that you were broken, but you were wrong. You're beautiful.
Love,
Katniss
…
Peeta,
Today I read a quote that made me think: "I'm in love with cities I have never been to and with people I've never met."
If I asked you, would you go with me?
Katniss
…
Peeta,
I never once asked you why you seemed so indifferent about the UW. You could have made a million friends, been active in student groups or intramurals, gone to games or hung out at the Union. The whole campus could have been yours. But you didn't seem to care. You seemed unimpressed.
Something shifted between high school and college. Whatever it was, I overlooked it. Tell me what I missed. Tell me what bothered you.
Now that I'm here and you're there, I'm realizing just how little we really knew. I wish I could just ask you every question I never did. I want to know more about what you were like as a kid. You know, the little stories hardly anyone else knows about. I want to know about your family traditions...not just what they are but why you have them. I want you to tell me your plans for your art. I want you to tell me about your pee wee soccer team. Tell me about life before us.
I'm here and you're there; I'm realizing how much I wish you were next to me now.
Katniss
…
Peeta,
People say that autumn in New England is like nothing you've ever seen before. There aren't enough words to do it justice.
I'm sure you'd be up by 5 a.m. even if your job didn't require it. Things are so different in those moments right before a sliver of sun creeps above the horizon. There's an eerie glow about the world, dew shimmers on the grass and you hear the first coos of mourning doves looking for seeds. In that moment, everything is so fantastically perfect that you don't want to blink. Colors slowly swirl, churning from the violets and navy of nighttime to greys and periwinkle that give way to rosy pinks and soft yellows, all before the sun even breaks the surface. I swear I try to hold my breath just hoping to witness the exact moment when the world is bathed in light so that I can describe it to you.
Oranges creep up, crows start to caw and then I can't help but blink. How, in that millisecond, can the world change so much?
Katniss
…
Peeta,
Do you think you could still love me?
Katniss
…
Peeta,
Coffee is intoxicating. Oily, smoky, rich, bold, brown, chocolate, creamy, sharp, bright, earthy, buttery, caramel, green, heavy, mellow, nutty, smooth, woody. I'm beginning to rethink my favorite color having now seen the beautiful shades of this drink. Browns that are almost black, tawny and light, barely visible through delicate foam and creamy milk chocolate. It's such a warm, inviting color that I want to live in.
Even autumn, with its cool, dead, brown branches feels warm.
(There is my lame attempt at poetry, Mellark. And I'm kind of embarrassed by it, so do us all a favor and burn this.)
Love,
Katniss
…
Peeta,
A long time ago I made a decision to never, ever end up so dependent upon someone that I'd lose myself like my mom did. It wasn't worth it. Face it: after so many years of being together you barely knew her beyond the woman who occasionally sat on the couch watching the 10 o'clock news.
What if that's what's in the cards for me? Are you sure you can handle that?
But you messed that up in the best way possible. People always joked that we were conjoined, and I suppose that in some ways we were. My happiness was wrapped up in you. How could it not be? You gave kind smiles, a hand to hold, fiery kisses, tender touches and soft words. And I hadn't had that in a really long time. But for as much as I loved you, I forgot how to just be okay with me. I lost me.
I viewed your life as perfect, which by default lessened the fucked-up-ness of my own. You, this golden boy with unbelievable talents and big heart, and me, a floundering girl trying not to let all of the balls drop.
Why on Earth did you choose me?
There had to be something outside of the cocoon we'd created. I started to crave some stability between crazy love, healthy love, independence and change. I helped to create our reality and I didn't know how to manipulate it back into something whole. I don't know how to make that happen.
I wish I had found a way to talk to you beyond my clipped words and indifference. You were always my partner in crime and I left you to figure it out on my own. It's not the same. It will never be the same.
I miss you,
Katniss
…
Peeta,
I love you. I don't know what else to say. But maybe that is enough.
Katniss