Holly sat on her couch, drinking wine and watching television. Well, the tv set was on. But it was muted. Holly used it to illuminate the otherwise dark living room. She had no idea what program was on air. The television served one purpose tonight. She could not be called out for sitting in the dark, moping over her ex if there was light in the room. The tv offered that light.
She should be having a romantic dinner with her new girlfriend, Holly reminded herself. She had been dressed for an evening out when she left work tonight. Her girlfriend planned to take her out, and she had actually suggested a vegan restaurant. Imagine that!
Holly could have went to a vegan restaurant, where she and her new girlfriend would have ordered from the menu without a fuss. Maybe afterwards they would have went to the batting cages and hit a few home runs. Then they could have driven to a Taco Bell and burned it down. Holly groaned. That should have been her wonderful evening. That would have been her wonderful evening if Gail Peck had not reappeared in her life today. Nearly a month of silence and she suddenly dropped by the lab this afternoon. Holly's lab. Her sanctuary at work.
Holly had been standing outside the door of the lab as Gail tried to get her coworker to keep her away from the case. She had seen the blonde walking through the building. And even though it made her feel like an idiot, she had followed her, hiding behind corners to go unseen.
Rodney had not experienced enough with handling deteriorating skin and muscle to even try and get a fingerprint from the severed thumb. He knew he would damage the evidence and incur Holly's wrath if he tried. He made the right move going to her, despite Gail's attempt to persuade him differently.
Gail's lack of interest in seeing her had hurt. She expected the continued avoidance, but it did not remove its sting. That hurt had quickly turned into anger in Holly. First, she avoided even looking at Gail. She then willed herself not to listen to Gail, even when the cop changed tactics and tried to talk to her. Holly reminded herself of the pain Gail's avoidance caused her. Only a fool would risk another bout of such intense suffering on oneself. Holly was no fool.
She heard her phone ring from the kitchen and told herself to ignore it. She already knew who was on the other line, thanks to the ringtone. She did not need to answer it. The caller would understand. She was busy after all. She was sitting in a non-dark… perhaps dim was a better word… Yes. Holly was sitting in a dim room, busy replaying today's unexpected confrontation with her ex.
That did not sound pitiful, she sighed quietly. Holly was not good at lying to herself. The somber doctor stood and went to retrieve her phone. She answered it before it went to voicemail.
"Fuck her." Rachel rang through vehemently. Holly cringed from the ferociousness she heard behind the words.
"What did Lisa do this time?"
"I'm not talking about Lisa."
"Fuck who then? And are you making a suggestion or giving an artful dismissal?" Holly asked as she reclaimed her seat on the couch. She put the cellphone on speaker, then placed it on the armrest she was now resting her side against.
"You know who we are talking about." Holly could imagine Rachel's eye roll through the phone. "Did you really think you could keep this highly unorthodox reaction to your breakup a secret? You are not leaving Toronto, Holly."
"I don't know what you are talking about, Rachel." Holly muttered. Holly grimaced. Of course her friends had found out. She wondered how far had the information spread. She was only in the beginning stages of her search after all.
The forensic pathologist reminded herself to stay calm. She had already prepared her speech for this moment. It had been in her head since the drive home.
"There is nothing wrong with wanting to challenge myself, Rachel. I have always wanted to see the world, to experience—"
"Cut the bullshit, Holly." Rachel ordered firmly. "You want to run away from home because Gail Peck hurt your feelings."
"Don't you dare try to make me sound infantile, Rachel!" Holly huffed. "And she ran first."
"So you start putting out feelers?!" Rachel nearly yelled back. "Did you not think we would find out? We work in the same medical circles, Holly."
It was rare that her friend got this upset at her. It immediately made Holly feel guilty. Still, she said nothing. What could she say? Her friends did not understand. She already knew what their reactions would be. Move on. Avoid that division. It would get easier. They did not know what it was like working with the daily possibility of seeing someone who presence alone could leave you feeling damaged. She could not stay in Toronto working where the Pecks reigned supreme.
"Isn't chewing me out Lisa's thing?"
"Lisa knows she's still in the doghouse. I've been tasked with the job." Holly felt her eyes water. She really did not need this.
"I saw her today." Holly barely got the words out. She grabbed her wine glass and took a sip to clear her throat.
"Holly, seriously?" Rachel expelled harshly.
"She was yelling at some kid who was tagging along with her." Holly smiled solemnly at the thought. A teenager following behind Gail must have been hell for her. She could imagine the texts she would have received from the grumpy woman had they been together.
"It would have been pretty funny if seeing her had not hurt so royally." She whispered.
"Let me guess. No closure?" Holly let Rachel's quiet question drift between them before she found the will to answer. When she did she was surprised by the anger that swept over her.
"At first, she did not even want to see me, Rachel. At all. Then all she wanted to do was see me. She asked me out." The incredibility of the situation still infruiated a Holly. First the aggravating blonde had not wanted to speak to her. Then she pleaded for a chance to explain herself.
The officer's rare show of vulnerability at the station, of all places, nearly floored Holly. Gail's words caused in Holly a hopeful energy that seemed to burst in all of the core spots. Holly had never struggled so hard to maintain a leveled head as she had when Gail Peck revealed her heart to her.
That was the Gail Peck that Gail Peck hid from others, the one she rarely even showed to Holly. That Gail was one so self-aware but also so insecure in how to approach or process her own feelings for fear of pain and disappointment. Still she tried tonight. God love her. She tried.
It amazed Holly how Gail could at times see herself so clearly, then at other times not see herself at all.
"Rachel, she called me the most wonderful person she ever met." Holly breathed, tears forming in her eyes.
"Ugh!" Rachel muttered into the phone. "Does she have to make it so hard to feel disdain for her?"
"Welcome to my world."
It was not the first time Gail had let Holly see adoration in her eyes, hear it in her voice. Funny. Gail thought by pointing out her faults she was making progress. But Holly knew that all Gail really saw was her faults. Her bravado hid her own feelings of inadequacy.
Gail did not see how her bitch often lost bite once you got to know her. How her enormous heart always overcame her immaturity. How her excitement over life out-shined her pessimism. How her care and concern for people usurped her hatred of them.
Gail Peck was like any priceless jewel in this world. The harder they were made the brighter they shined and the more they were supposed to be treasured. And that was all Holly had wanted to do for Gail, treasure her.
"Earth to Holly." Rachel called out, bringing Holly out of her thoughts. "What's going on that head of yours?"
"Sadly too much and too little." Holly wiped her face wearily and noticed the wetness clinging to her fingers. When had she started to cry? Before she could answer her own question, she heard her phone vibrate against the couch.
"So you are really thinking about leaving, Holly?" Rachel asked in a quiet voice. Holly could tell she did not want to hear the answer. The doctor paused as she looked at the text message floating at the top of her phone's screen.
Is she pretty?
The three small words stunned her. Really, it was their author. Gail Peck was texting her, despite how they had left things. Gail Peck was making a move. What did the move mean? Holly did not understand.
"Holly are you still there?" Rachel's voice rang through as the phone shook with a new message.
Your someone. Is she pretty?
Holly sighed as she began to type, wondering why Gail even cared about her current girlfriend.
"Yes, Rachel. I'm still here."
She's beautiful, Gail. Absolutely beautiful.
"Are you still thinking of leaving?" Rachel pushed. Holly stalled at the question. The moment was broken by Gail's next text.
So are you.
Holly groaned inwardly as she pushed the phone away from her.
"She is everywhere, Rachel." The phone shook as if emphasizing the point.
"Can't you just transfer to another morgue?"
Holly told herself not to look at her phone. Who was she kidding?
Is she smart?
"I can't do my job with her here." Holly slowly breathe out. Her fingers moved despite her desire to ignore the message.
She is brilliant.
"Honey, is it really this bad?"
The phone shook. Holly looked down. More tears fell.
So are you.
"You have no idea, Rachel. I'm good at being friends with exes. You've seen my Christmas card collection. But Gail…" She paused as the phone moved in her hand.
Is she loved?
Holly shook her head, demanding herself not to answer.
"She is killing me." Holly sighed painfully. The phone once again vibrated. Another set of tears fell as she looked down.
Is she loved, Holly?
Holly typed bitterly.
Stop it Gail.
"Avoid her." Rachel said earnestly. She heard the tears in her friend's voice. She just wanted to make them go away. "She was able to do it with you."
"That sounds so simple." Holly whispered wistfully as she read the newest text.
Let me explain. Please Lunchbox.
"So you want to leave?" Rachel asked, her tone imploring Holly to rethink her plan. Holly looked at the text and steeled herself. She could not remain in an emotional flux. She typed as she spoke.
I have to go, Gail.
"There is nothing wrong with wanting to challenge myself. I have always wanted to—"
"All right already." Rachel bit out, resigned. "If this is what you want…"
Holly leaned back against the couch in relief, even as her phone buzzed. She read Gail's one word answer as Rachel said hers. She could tell neither were happy about it. But still they caved.
"Okay."