Jemma is sitting in her bathrobe on the bed, staring in the mirror trying to organize her thoughts, trying to decide what to wear and wondering why she feels so nervous. After all, she's going for dinner with her best friend of 14 years, her boyfriend (is that still true? They exist now in a grey zone that's more than friends, but still undefinable) – what is the big deal? It shouldn't feel terrifying, but it does. She is not quite sure what she expects will happen, but surely, they will have to address the elephant in the room: Will he come back? Will she stay? And if the answer is no to both questions – what does the future look like? Will they become long-distance friends to drift apart with time? They could still collaborate, after all the facility still belongs to SHIELD.
What would life look like without him? At least she knows the answer to that question. After all, she sat beside his hospital bed for nine terrifying days, spent months in undercover with Hydra, got swept off to a distant planet, with no hope of seeing him ever again. And they have been separated for a year again, so he could go lick his wounds like a hurt animal.
She knows she would be alright, rising through the ranks at work, like she always does. She would be competent, efficient, admired. But is that really what she wants? The last year – ever since Mace promoted her – she felt more like an administrator than a scientist. Was she ready to trade her microscope permanently for reports and order forms? Was the power, control and influence she had in exchange worth it?
She could set up an apartment alone, like she did when she was undercover- a nice place, tidy and organized but would it ever feel like home without his socks on the floor, without his toothbrush at the sink, without his heat warming up the bed? Or would she dread coming home to the emptiness, choosing to stay late at work instead?
She could certainly find a suitable man – someone she could learn to love, but wouldn't it feel like a compromise? Like it did with Will.
On the other hand, would she be happy here – in the middle of nowhere? Would she ever be happy anywhere else, without him? If only she could build a handy algorithm to predict happiness. But he was in a way an unknown quantity, too complicated for mathematical formulas. The moments of her life whether happy, sad, exhilarating, exasperating, awkward, funny, annoying, angry or tender are infused with his unquantifiable essence. She has no answers to any of these questions for now, beyond the fact that she has missed him, that she loves him and that she is both looking forward to and terrified of the prospect of their date.
Fitz is sitting nervously on the living room couch, dressed in a suit, blue shirt and tie waiting for Jemma to get ready. So far, the day seemed to go mostly as planned, and she at least didn't seem to hate it. In fact, she was impressed. And Jemma has never been too easy to impress. Still, his stomach is in knots, nervously thinking about all the things he'd still have to do to convince her to stay.
Having her in the house and in the lab has been the most natural and most unnerving thing at the same time. Their year-long separation and the preceding nightmare in the Framework and in space seem like a distant memory, as their relationship settles back to the easy rhythm of before. Still it doesn't feel like before, it feels in some ways new and different.
She appears suddenly at the top of the stairs wearing a dress he's never seen on her before; a knee length forest green piece that hugs her body in just the right way accentuating the whiteness of her skin. Her hair is half pinned up, some loose waves framing her face, soft brown eyes looking at him. Her lips are tantalizingly red. He swallows hard as he gets up to meet her "You look beautiful, Jemma."
She smiles. "And you tied a tie by yourself."
"Actually, Donnie tied it for me in the lab, earlier today." he chuckles. "I think that's still a lost cause. Shall we?" he holds out his hand for her and helps her down the stairs.
He opens the car door for her – even though she protests a bit, he knows she secretly likes old-fashioned gestures of chivalry. They drive to the restaurant he picked – a little gourmet bistro, nestled on a hillside overlooking a lake. Quiet, romantic place with soft candlelight and exquisite fish dishes. He orders a bottle of white wine as they choose their meals.
His heart is beating in his throat and he tries to calm his nerves taking a long sip of the wine. He doesn't really know where to start. She is waiting for him to speak first, uncharacteristically silent. He knows that he owes her an explanation for all this. He holds her hand in his and takes a deep breath:
"When I first left, I didn't really know what I was going to do, Coulson and I had been discussing how we don't have a Sandbox anymore and how some kids who are unable to get a grasp on their abilities went through terra-genesis and had nowhere to go, but I didn't want to rebuild the kind of prison it used to be. I only had a vague idea to somehow set up a safe place and a strong determination to fix things with you, with the team. The first few weeks I was sort of walking around in a haze – hating myself, being disgusted with everything. It was overwhelming and exhausting.
Then Pi found me, and he didn't care that I was broken. He just liked to sit with me and he followed me home, so suddenly I had a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Soon afterwards Coulson came with the first kid – it was Julia, and we started to build the place. She was so small and so scared. Haunted by nightmares that made her flap in her sleep, like a trapped bird and crash against the furniture. I spent three days straight designing and building the cocoon for her and for the first time in months, she slept through the night. And the smile she had on her face that morning when she woke up from a full night's rest – it felt like somehow it was the most important thing I've ever done." he's story is long but Jemma is listening intently. He wants her to understand that he had no plan to trick her.
"Then Donnie was found by a fishing vessel and Coulson managed to get him out before they used him as a lab rat again. It was his idea to bring him here instead of HQ – and I think it was good for both of us – bonding with someone who literally knows what it is like when your mind is invaded, when your free will is taken away. And this is how it went – piece by piece – it has all started to fall into place. When I started I wanted to prove myself, that I can still be worthy of – of you, Jemma, to be able to go back to you– to pick up where we left off – but along the way, I realized…" he is struggling to finish the sentence and looks at Jemma, pleading to understand.
"…you are not coming back." she finishes softly with a strange glow in her eyes, he cannot decipher.
He shakes his head. "No, I – I can't. And it's not a decision I made lightly. I've struggled long and hard, because it has always felt that my place was beside you, wherever that was. But then I realized, I only wanted to protect you – not that I ever managed to do a good job." he adds with a self-depreciating grimace.
Jemma's eyes are downcast now "I'm sorry, I never should have dragged…" he interrupts her immediately.
"…don't be Jemma. I am not sorry. Like I said, it was my choice. I wanted to be near you and working with you, loving you is when I feel most alive. For better or worse, without that, those experiences, I wouldn't be here now. And I thought that actually after the Framework, I had everything in place to be that competent field agent I've always thought I needed to be – I could fight better, shoot and kill without hesitation – so that you..."
"I've only ever wanted you to be you…" Jemma says sharply.
He nods, "Yeah, well, I was trying to figure out hard what was "me" at that point. And as we talked about it with Marjorie, somehow things started to resurface. Especially the first time I killed someone – you know, the day Hydra took over …"
"…it was to defend May…" Jemma adds immediately, defending him instinctively. Fitz wonders if he can make her somehow see her point.
He continues, "I know, but it haunted me for long. I kept wondering who he was, if he had a family waiting for him, kids…you know… all of that resurfaced, and this time I tracked him down. That's how I found Tess. She was so full of anger and pain – it was something I recognized from when I was her age and the destructive path it can lead to. And bringing her here, seeing her getting better day by day – it just felt right. That somehow, I was meant to do that. Not come up with silver bullets that will solve all the problems in the world with one elegant stroke, but just fixing things one broken piece, one hurt child at a time. Then I knew, I couldn't go back to the lab, I couldn't design another weapon and I don't want to have another drop of blood on my hand, no matter how righteous the cause." his voice cracks a little – the deaths continue to haunt him, even if he has learned to live with the ghosts.
So, this is it, that's the man I have become after this one year. And if this is something you may…want to explore further…, we can see if, you know… how it goes...and what options…" his voice trails off, and he loses his nerve. The monster in his head mocks him. Is this the best you can come up with? Leave your beautiful big lab and brilliant career prospects in HQ and join me to be a school doctor? Come and live with me – I mean I have no idea if we can ever have sex again, but hey at least I have a house in the woods and little mutt? Even if you don't stay, would you come and visit sometimes?
Jemma searches his eyes long and sees the fear of rejection mixed with hope. This is the man you have been all along, Fitz, she wants to say. She has expected his answer from the time she has seen the Enchanted Forest; she understood instinctively that he wouldn't come back. But still, he has left things unsaid, again. He implied he wanted her here, he showed her in the lab, and he explained through Marjorie his fears. But it was all too vague. He put her on the spot –a leave it or take it deal – but hasn't quite come out to say it.
A wave of annoyance hits her – this endless skirting around the issues is how they ended up wasting 10 years. It almost tore them apart a few times. Of course, she has been as guilty of it, as he has. She understands the reason for his hesitation and insecurity, but still, it is time. They have arrived at the end of the road. A rare moment of clarity hits her and finally she knows what she wants – what she has wanted for quite a while now - and she is pretty sure he wants the same thing, but she needs him to say it.
"Just ask me what you want, Fitz, already." she says seriously.
"What?" he looks at her searchingly then the panic sets in his eyes as he catches her meaning. "I have a whole timetable worked out for this. You know, with more dates, and a speech, with index cards…"
"…you never in your life used an index card, Fitz and I am moving up the timetable because apparently you have taken all the rest of the decisions by yourself…" Jemma interjects.
"…and you heard Marjorie, don't you want to be sure?" he protests quietly.
"…that's a small detail, Fitz, something we can work through…" she reassures him and she believes it.
"… OK, can we just agree that it is an at-least-average-if-not-bigger detail…?" he wiggles his eyebrows with a mischievous smile designed to get her off track. She knows this game of deflection, they've been playing it far too long. She summons all her willpower to remain serious.
"Leo…" she says quietly, and she hasn't called him that in a long time so it shocks him into silence and produces the desired effect, as his grin dissolves and for a moment there is a look on his face of a 10-year old boy, who is terrified that everyone he loves will eventually betray and abandon him. The moment passes and his expression changes, giving way to something else – determination, apprehension?
"…ask me already." she repeats seriously.
He closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath. "Fine, if the lady wants a spectacle, a spectacle she gets." he mutters and goes down on one knee. Jemma is suddenly aware that all the guests in the restaurant are staring at them.
His voice is soft but clear "Jemma Anne Simmons, you have been my best friend, my soulmate, the love of my life as long as I care to remember, and you are everything to me – " he pauses, emphasizing the word and looks at her with so much love that she feels tears welling in her throat. Then he continues with the little mischievous smile that she loves so much,
"well, it may not be Perthshire, but at least it's a cottage, and I assure you it's a passive energy one just like you would want – which I hereby solemnly promise you get to re-decorate to your exact specifications…
and I'm sorry I didn't consult you before getting a dog, but at least – look at the bright side – I didn't get a monkey…
and we haven't really discussed children yet, and I know some people might find three dozen all at once a bit overwhelming, but then again, I've never known you to shirk away from a challenge …
and it may not be the Mount Everest of academia where you absolutely belong, but it has a lab with some cheeky apprentices, intriguing riddles, endless potential and a partner who is keenly aware of the benefits of tidiness and who would never dare to put a biological sample into a clear specimen bag...
… this is what I can offer, and it is all yours if you want it – will you please marry me?" he finishes and opens his palm revealing a ring that glitters in the candlelight.
Jemma is speechless for a moment, because it is all so romantic and quirky, so Fitz that she doesn't know if she wants to laugh or cry and there is a moment of pause as he looks at her questioningly as he whispers "Do you want me to beg some more? It's not beneath me… I can do more begging, I just wish I had my index cards, I think I managed to come up with more reasons…"
And she just starts to laugh, and says "yes" then she realizes that clarification may be needed, so she adds "yes, I'll marry you" and whispers "God, I'd thought you'd never ask". She vaguely hears the guests in the restaurant clapping and "aaaw"ing as they embrace and their lips meet in a tantalizingly slow and tender kiss. He slips the ring on her finger – she takes in the intricate design – the sparkling diamonds that encircle a dark stone set in a dark silver metal alloy she doesn't recognize at once, it looks like stars shimmering in the night sky…then it occurs to her.
"You didn't?" she looks at him accusingly.
"Yeah, sure I did. The cosmos taketh away, the cosmos giveth back, blessed is the cosmos." he grins then his expression becomes uncertain. "You hate it…" his voice trails off and he looks at her with sad puppy eyes.
She smiles at him. "No, it's… it's beautiful. Not everyone gets an engagement ring …with a space rock in the middle. You know how to make a girl feel special."
"It's to remind you that it's a dangerous business going out your door" he starts quoting Tolkein then continues with a slightly adapted version "and you never know where you might be swept off to…. twice…" he raises two fingers for emphasis and she cannot stop laughing.
"You're such a nerd." she says with affection.
"Well, it's too late. All these good people have heard here how you have just betrothed yourself to me, so…" he says loudly and continues in a lower voice. "Wow, that was scary, I need more wine." and Jemma just looks at him, sees her own happiness reflected in his sparkling sapphire eyes, the only gem she has ever truly wanted.