Chapter 9: another lose cannons gone bipolar.

Yay. Another chapter! Full 'f fun for fans.

Review answering section.

Gundam Lord: Well fair enough, I'm impressed you saw it coming, and as for the question about Tatsuki, it's answered this chapter. So thanks for the reviews.

Metsfan101: thank you, I appreciate it. (btw is your name a world war z reference?)

Vampire13Princess: Ichigo's human friends? No. yes Aizen is a bit of an idiot, and I got Starrks sword name wrong? God damn it. Stupid bleach wiki screwing me over! (o.k. it would have been me that read it wrong but blaming a website that can't argue back is easier)

Alia Inverse: thank you so much. You understand exactly what I'm going for with this, ;)

I was considering making Yachirus shiki summon Pyramid head. But that's too stupid, even for me. (I guess my dream of a Pyramid head VS Kenpachi throw down will have to stay a dream. *Sigh*)

"Ichigo?" Rukia asked slowly. Carefully moving behind him she reached out and put her hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry Ichigo isn't here right now. But if you'd like to leave a message, please start talking at the sound of the beep." The voice of Hollow Ichigo said as Ichigo turned around to show that his mask was covering his face completely. Suddenly lashing out he grabbed Rukia by the throat while laughing. "Beeeeeeep!" he said mockingly.

"Let her go. And we won't hurt you." Urahara ordered slowly. "Well not much anyway."

"You think you can hurt me?" the Hollow questioned, "That ugly hat must be choking your brain."

"If you look at who you are surrounded by, you must realise as well as you would do. You can't win." Rukia choked out as Isshin, Yoruichi and Tessai arrived.

"Hrrm maybe you're right. CATCH!" He yelled, throwing Rukia into the shop keeper and flash stepping off into the distance.

"Well. That's not good." Chad muttered, "We going after him?"

"Yep." Yachiru agreed just as a soul reaper arrived.

"I have a message for…. Who are you?" The messenger asked looking at Yachiru in confusion.

"Yachiru. From the future. Don't ask." Chad introduced shaking his head.

"Right. Well, I'm just going to plough straight through that if you don't mind." The messenger sighed, "Any way, we're marching on Aizens fortress because he kidnapped Renji. We want your help, all of you."

There was a long moment of silence.

"No." Everyone said at once.

"Wait what?" Messenger guy said confused.

"We're going to go find Ichigo and help him." Orihime said simply, getting nods from the rest of team Ichigo (and Yachiru. And Tatsuki, they basically count as part of the team by now so I'm just going to count them as joining Ichigo's little gang of weirdos.)

"I'm taking my daughter to Soul society and helping her adapt to the world of being dead." Isshin shrugged walking off with a still confused Yuzu to go find Karin.

"You banished us." Urahara said grinning. "So yeah sought your own problems out." He said, before passing Rukia a long metal rod with a jewel on the end.

"So if you want to help Ichigo, stab him with this and it should work." He explained simply.

"Work how?" Rukia said, remembering the last time she was involved in his plans and the fact it got Aizen to try and kill her a lot.

"Just trust me." Urahara replied smiling.

"I make it a point to never trust anyone who asks me to "Just trust" them." Yachiru replied, "And why were you carrying one of these rods anyway?"

"I was carrying two around actually." Urahara said before walking off.

"There are times that guy worries me." Uryu sighed.

"And we are wasting too much time! Come on, we need to go find Ichigo!" Chad said adamantly, running off in the direction that Hollow Ichigo had gone in. the rest of his friends following him.

"…. What just happened?" The messenger asked in confusion. Then a hollow popped up and ate him. And that's terrible.

*oooo*

Ten minutes later, Team Ichigo found Ichigos spiritual pressure inside of a warehouse.

"Why do you think he stopped?" Orihime asked nervously.

"Hard to say. Let's just be thankful for small mercies right?" Tatsuki said confidently.

"Hey Tatsuki? Can you please explain how you got dragged into the CNs?" Rukia asked suddenly, figuring that now was a better time then during a fight with Hollow Ichi… you know what? That takes too long to say. Let's just call him Hichigo.

"Well it's very simple." Tatsuki said nodding. "The leader showed up one day. Offered to give me powers and save Orihime. So I agreed."

"Save me? Save me how?" Orihime asked confused.

"Well don't tell anyone, but Aizen was having a brainstorming session with one of the few intelligent Espeada and they convinced him kidnapping you was a bad idea. Mostly because that person happens to be a Chaotic Neutral." Tatsuki explained grinning at the thought of Aizen excepting help from his foes.

"It's Harribel isn't it?" Chad asked.

"What? How did you? What?" Tatsuki asked shocked.

"You kept saying "They" so you didn't have to say "her" that gave it away." Chad explained with a small smirk.

Then a hell butterfly landed on Yachirus shoulder. "Oh hey, we're getting a letter from a reader!" she said cheerfully before getting the message. "Well o.k. Gundam Lord from…. The internet I guess, asks: "Tatsuki is the Gunslinger... Why not a karate master?" So Tatsuki? Why not?"

"Well I asked that too. But nobody knew how to give me "Karate powers" or what "Karate powers" actually means. So Quincy it was." Tatsuki said shrugging it off as unimportant.

"Don't Quincy's only get bows?" Rukia asked confused.

"Well we SHOULD" Uryu said looking peeved. "But she's breaking our hundreds of years of laws and rules!"

"So I should have less cool weapons because of you traditionalist idiots?" Tatsuki asked annoyed

"There is nothing cooler then a bow. Do you here? NOTHING!"

Are we quite done with Buffonery?" Yachiru asked frustrated.

"in an immediate or overall sense?" Rukia asked sniggering.

"Immediate. I have no illusions about the latter." Yachiru said sighing. "Come on lets attack the teenage version of my dead husband that's possessed by his evil side with: a monster from a book. Ice swords. Bows and guns that shoot lasers and…. Have you ever been half way through a sentence and can no longer believe what you are saying?" she asked bemused.

"Happens every time I describe an episode of this bloody show." Rukia muttered. "Right then. Attack!"

The group kicked the door down and stopped in shock at what they were seeing.

The entire room was painted in blood and at the centre of the room Hichigo was happily chopping apart the body of Zennosuke Kurumadani.

"I… I don't believe it." Orihime said in shock.

"I know." Rukia said quietly, "When did that soul reaper get here? I've never seen him before in my life."

"Me neither." The rest of the group replied.

"Come into my web said the spider to the fly." Hichigo said mockingly, standing up to smile at the gang. "Why how do you do boys and girls? Here to have some fun"

"No we've come to sae Ichigo. So let him go." Orihime ordered trying to sound threatening.

"Yeah right. The King doesn't even want to come out, he's just trying to find somewhere quiet to cry." Hichigo said laughing before grinning. "But if you guys want him so bad then maybe one of you girls can….. "Convince" me? How about it?" he said wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at Rukia.

"No. there is no way in hell any of us are so much as going to kiss you creep." Rukia said angrily, and then she noticed that Yachiru was blushing and looking at her feet. "Oh for the love of. You kissed the hollow?" Rukia said in disbelief.

"Well…. Err…" Yachiru said now bright red. "He looks kind of hot with long hair." She tried to explain.

"Long hair?" Tatsuki questioned. "What?"

"Oh." Orihime said, blushing as well. "you kissed that monster he turned into when fighting Ulquiorra?"

"Well. I…. it was kind of more then a kiss."

"I…. you….. Why?" Rukia moaned in horror. "Oh god now I'm picturing it."

This got a series of similar complaints from the rest of the group.

"Now I can't stop picturing it. Quick focus on something else, like my Brother!" Rukia said suggesting the first thing that came to mind.

"And now I'm picturing having sex with your brother in my super form! Nooo everything is ruined forever!" Hichigo said banging his head against the wall.

"Huh." Tatsuki, Orihime and Yachiru said, suddenly picturing it and not being that bothered by the idea.

"I hate my life." Uryu muttered. "Come on then Hollow! We shall do battle for the soul for my not friend just person that I want to help and hang out with a lot."

"Sigh." Hichigo said instead of actually sighing. "Bankai."

"Well then. Let's do this." Yachiru muttered as Hichigo started to attack the heroes.

Five minutes later.

"Oww." Yachiru muttered from the ground, the entire team had been taken down and Hichigo was busy bragging about it.

Then the left wall shattered and Transvestite Kenpachi dove into the room.

"Quick! We have little time!" he yelled, swinging his sword at Hichigo who only just dodged.

"Right." Afro Rukia agreed, shooting off an ice blast that distracted the Hollow long enough for Kenpachi to slash him across the chest.

"What the hell?" Hichigo managed before collapsing.

"Quick! We need to borrow a Seele Schneider." Afro Rukia said crouching next to Uryu.

"all right." Uryu said, knowing not to argue with Kenpachi in a dress. He handed them the weapon and they were about to leave when black tentacles started crashing through the roof.

"It's found us again!" Transvestite Kenpachi yelled and grabbed Rukia before they both vanished.

The tentacles paused before retracting and fading away into nothingness.

"I look damn good with an afro." Rukia said weekly.

"Shut up Rukia." Everyone said weekly back to her.

"Alright. Lets see what this does." Yachiru said as Rukia stabbed Hichigo in the chest with that glowing rod thing.

There was a flash of light and suddenly the group were standing on a sideways building that was being pelted with rain.

"Woah. Hey Ichigo told us about this place! We're in Ichigos mind world." Orihime said before noticing Zangetsu watching them.

"Hello." The sword said calmly holding an umbrella.

"err hi." Chad said back. "is it always this wet?"

""I hate rain. It rains here, too. When Ichigo is moody, it becomes cloudy. When he is sad, the rain comes down... I can't stand it. Can you understand? How horrible it is to get rained on when you are all alone in an empty world? In order to prevent that from happening... I lent him whatever power he needed! I won't let one drop of rain fall from that sky!" The sword said all in one breath.

"Are you like a crazy person?" Yachiru asked.

"I'm quite sure that they shall say so." Zangetsu said before turning around to point where Ichigo was sitting.

They quickly approached, Zangetsu rambling about rain and Orihime being the only one polite enough to listen. And saw that not only was Ichigo crying. Hichigo was poking him with a stick.

"Ichigo?" Uryu asked trying to get his attention.

"Yuzus dead" Ichigo whispered. "It's all my fault. I wasn't fast enough to stop that monster from killing my little sister."

"Huh? What you talking about? This is fanfiction Ichigo." Rukia said calmly. "Your sisters die all the time, everything's fine."

"What! How can you say that!"

"Stop me if this sounds familiar: one of your sisters dies and goes to soul society, joins the shinigami academy, becomes really talented in one particular area, seeing as it's Yuzu I'm guessing Kido. There's one student who hates her for either being related to you, being the class star, or maybe because they feel like she doesn't deserve it but in the end your sister graduates and immediately gets a really high rank in a division and falls in love with whoever the author thinks is the hottest at the moment, in a romance that comes off as kinda creepy because she's like ten. And if it was Karin then it is Toshiro simply because they once played football together that apparently equals true love."

"oh yeah." Ichigo said slowly. Then the rain stopped. "I'm being stupid, she's fine."

"Wait, that's it? This entire freaking chapter gets resolved in a short burst of mocking fanfiction writers and that's it?" Hichigo complained. "This sucks ass."

"Yep. Wait seeing as we're in Ichigos mind through complex and impossible machines, we should make an inception reference!" Orihime suggested.

"Good idea." Rukia agreed.

Everyone stood around trying to think of a way to change a line of the film to involve the word zanpakuto.

"Any ideas?" Chad asked after a few minutes.

"we get out a spinning top?" Hichigo suggested before being hit by a train that was driven by Senna yelling about intestinal worms.

"You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling." Ichigo smirked. "Right. Let's go fight Aizen."

"Cool. How do we get to Hueco Mundo?" Kon asked out of interest.

"Err." Ichigo said before sighing. "Well shit."

END CHAPTER 9

AN: well that got kind of strange at the end there. I'm not sure what I just wrote to be honest.

Spot the Questionable Content reference, win a cookie.

I honestly forgot that Kon was in this story until the end :P