10; veridis quo
He was playing a piano.
Sharp, rich and full of a heavy and melodramatic sound.
I was in a bed, shivering despite being underneath numerous heavy quilts that he had piled on top of me. When the music stopped, I felt a sinking feeling erupt in my stomach. The door creaked open in the darkness and a familiar figure pushed its way through my room and into my bed.
I let out a terrified cry when he began to move his hand over to pull up my shirt, but he quickly clamped a hand over my mouth, stroking my cheek gently, "You are beautiful …like your mother …Sabel."
He leaned forward close to me, blowing soft tendrils of air across the outer shell of my ear. I tried to push him off of me with my one good arm, the other still having been in a cast from when I broke it. A hand dipped below the waistband of my pajama pants, stroking my stomach softy, the other still stayed fastened over my mouth.
"Beautiful …simply beautiful …" He began to tug at the rest of my clothing … "And all mine …"
xXx
I shot up in bed, and threw my covers off immediately after I had woken up. Stumbling across the room, I pushed my door open, ran past Axel who happened to be coming down the hallway with and bolted into the bathroom.
"Roxas? What's wrong?"
I slammed the bathroom door behind me, kneeled over and proceeded to empty the contents of my stomach into the porcelain bowl in front of me. I coughed, trying to catch my breath. An entire wave of nausea hit me again and I proceeded to lurch forward again.
"Shit, are you throwing up?" Axel asked me.
"Get me a fucking wet towel …" I moaned, closing the toilet lid and settling off to the side of the bathroom.
His footsteps shuffled away from the door of the bathroom, coming back a few minutes later. He opened the door to the bathroom, kneeling down beside me and handed me the towel. I proceeded to scrub my face, sighing into the warmth of the towel. He had a bubbling glass of something held between his hands, "What happened?"
"…Upset stomach." I quickly lied, peering at him from behind out of focused eyes. The whole bathroom seemed to be spinning before my eyes. I closed them shut, pressing the towel to my face again.
"Are you sure? You're not sick or anything, right? You looked fine yesterday when you left …"
He pressed a hand tentatively against my forehead and I shook away from his touch rather harshly.
"Don't touch me, dammit." I growled, lowering the towel.
He rolled his eyes, "Look, I checking to make sure you're alright, okay?" He shoved the glass at me, "Drink."
"What is it?"
"Poison. What do you think?" When Axel saw the incredulous look I was giving him, he sighed, "Look, its ginger ale. Just drink it; it'll settle your stomach."
I took a sip of the drink and blanched, "It's warm."
"It settles the stomach better than if its ice cold, now drink." He commanded. He reclined briefly, staring at me as I sipped at the ginger ale cautiously.
I stared back at him, lowering my eyes, "Well aren't you going to leave?"
"No." He said, shaking his head, "And you look terrible. I want you in the bed pronto."
"I'm fine." I muttered, setting the glass off to the side. I looked up at the ceiling again and the room appeared to have stopped spinning. I looked back at Axel who was still fixated on me. Seeing that I was getting ready to stand up, he shot up and extended his hand which I pulled on begrudgingly, settling to my feet.
"No, you're not." He gave me a gentle push out of the bathroom and over to where my bedroom was. "Get in."
"Axel, I'm fine." I protested, setting the glass down on my nightstand. "I just ate something last night that didn't agree with me."
"Okay, fine …" Axel sighed, shaking his head, "But if you get sick again and start puking your guts out all over the place, don't say I didn't warn you." He folded his arms, "You guys have any crackers?"
"Mm'not hungry." I mumbled.
"You need something in your stomach. Are you still feeling nauseous?"
"AXEL!" I yelled, suddenly getting fed up with all the questions, "Stop it, alright? Just stop. I'm fine." I walked past him out of my room and headed in the direction of the bathroom to go brush my teeth so I could get the acidic taste of bile out of my mouth. God, I'm a mess …
I ran the faucet, took my toothbrush out of the cup by the medicine cabinet and spread some toothpaste over the bristles. I quickly brushed my teeth, and when I was done, headed into my room to go get a bundle of sheets. I headed into the living room with them. Axel was over by the window smoking again. He looked at me briefly, didn't say anything and turned back to look out of the window.
It was raining today.
No wonder my arm was hurting me so much.
I sat down on the couch, drawing a pillow into my lap as I draped the sheets over my body. I found the remote buried between two seats cushions, and pulled it up to change the channel. I landed on NY1 and instantly stopped channel surfing when I saw a video of my father on the TV.
"Teier Ardenwell has made an appearance in court today on behalf of a testimony regarding his long time friend and past business adviser, Xemnas Allam. Teier has released a statement this morning regarding the case of Xemnas." The news caster paused and proceeded to read something off the sheet in front of him, "I want to say that I've known Xemnas for a great portion of my life and have known him to always have been a kind and caring person, one who was devoted to righteousness and working for the better good. To hear him being charged with such allegations has broken my heart. I pray that my testimony today be helpful to the jury and all of those working on this case in seeing that righteous freedom is wrought."
"You …are such a bullshiter." I growled lowly, turning the channel before I got too riled up.
"Your father?" Axel asked, not turning around to me.
"What?" I snapped at Axel.
"Hostile much?" He stubbed his cigarette out in the ash tray by the window, "…Did something happen last night that's leading you to chew my head off more so than usual today?"
Nope, just losing my mind. "I don't want to talk about it." I mumbled, slumping over on the couch and pulling the sheets tighter around my body. I started flipping through channels again, landing on a random channel and sighed lowly. Mentally, I was exhausted beyond all recognition.
Axel walked over to the couch sitting down by my feet and picked the remote from off the coffee table to turn to some show on G4. Ninja warrior was on. After watching the show for some time, Axel started up a conversation again, "So, how's your brother?"
"Fine." I mumbled. I stood up, wrapping my sheets around my body, "Look, Axel …I don't feel like talking so I'm going back to sleep, okay?" I didn't wait for a response, standing back up and heading off to my room to get back into my bed and fall back asleep.
xXx
I couldn't get to sleep because the TV had woken me up.
I was going to murder Axel.
Looking outside, I saw that it was still raining and that the sky had grown considerably darker since I had last been up. A quick glance at the clock told me that it was close to three in the afternoon. I had been asleep for nearly four hours. Shuffling my way into the living room, I stopped at the end of the hallway to where the apartment opened to the kitchen and living room area.
Axel looked up at me, "Nice sleep, Rox?"
"No," I seethed, gripping the wall until my knuckles turned white, "Because you have the god damn television to damn loud."
"Sorry," He pointed the remote at the television to turn it down, "I didn't think it was that loud." Crossing his legs he leaned back, "Feeling any better?"
I released my grip on the wall, walking over to the couch and sitting down beside Axel, "Not particularly."
"Well do you want to do anything? Do you need anything?" He tried, eyebrows rising.
"No." I didn't meet his gaze, keeping my eyes fixated on the television.
He had been watching the news. NY1 was once again covering Xemnas's case, showing earlier footage of him leaving the court room. When my father's face came on the television, Axel clicked away to another station. When I looked at him, he grinned, "It wasn't important, was it? Besides, the news is boring." He flipped through a couple of more stations, landing on MTV.
"I hate MTV."
"Yeah, it is pretty bad …" He clicked his shoes together, watching some video with a bunch of scantily clad girls popping their butts out in back of some ugly guy. I sunk lower into the couch, gripping my forehead and looking up at the ceiling.
"Axel …turn the channel." I croaked, trying in a vain attempt to calm my temper from flaring up.
"Jeez, Roxas, calm down, I'm turning now …" He replied, reaching for the remote.
That was it. There was no use in trying to control it now. Something was building …I could feel it.
"What?" I asked, feeling my fingers itch along the couch. I sat up slowly, "Calm down? Calm down Axel? You want me to fucking calm down?" He turned to look at me, as I stood up.
"Hey, what's—" He started, when I cut him off short.
"Shut UP!" I yelled, "I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you. I'm sick of Sora. And I'm sick of Ansem telling me all the time, 'Roxas, calm down, it's alright, everything is fine.' Or, 'It's normal to feel this way. Don't worry you'll get better!' I'm sick of holding all this stuff in!"
"But I didn't—" He tried again, standing up and holding a hand out as if trying to stop me from doing anything rash.
I cut him off again, "Shut up, Axel, God!" I was steadily making myself over to the entertainment center, trying to control my emotions but it was no use.
Steadying myself against the structure, I looked over at Axel who was frozen to his spot by my outburst. Turning around, I swept my arms across an entire row of carefully stacked CD's sending them all crashing to the floor. Some cases ended up getting cracked, while others sprang open sending CD's flying out of their cases. I turned around staring Axel down with absolutely murderous eyes.
It was all coming out now.
"I'm tired …" I brushed past him, stumbling in the direction of the kitchen, "I'm so tired …of trying to control what's out of my reach." I turned around to look at him, "You know?" I turned around to look at the kitchen, surveying it momentarily.
He was right at my heels, "Roxas …"
"It's these god damn flashbacks! Every night, every time I close my eyes! Xemnas is always fucking there and I …I can't deal with this anymore, Axel! Sora should have just left me dead when …" I braced myself against the counter, eying the dishes to my left.
"Sora? Sora can you get uptown and pronto?" Somewhere during my break down, Axel had gotten on the phone with Sora, "No …you need to get here, Roxas …Roxas needs you. He …he's losing it …"
I turned around, eyes livid. "Are you talking to my brother?" I asked, looking down at the phone in Axel's hand. "Can you hear me Sora? Can you hear me! I'm calming down just like Axel ordered! Are you happy? Are you happy now, Sora! I'm …I'm …no …I'm not …" I turned around to grip one of the dishes in the drainer, trying to yank one of the plates out of its place.
Axel was instantly at my side, having closed his phone after he saw what I was about to do. He began to try to wrestle the dish from my hand. "Roxas! Stop this!" As we proceeded our fighting, I swung wildly out of his grasp bringing the entire drainer crashing to the floor. Pots, pans, plate, bowls and everything in-between went flying everywhere.
My breathing was becoming labored now as I turned to look at Axel. "Think I'm sane, huh? Think I'm SANE, huh?" I picked up some plates, throwing one at the wall and the other was trembling in my hand. I dropped the dish to the floor, kicking the drainer over which allowed more dishes to flow out of it. Something glinted in my line of vision and I looked down to see by my feet that a butcher knife had fallen out of the drainer. Oh.
Before Axel could grab it, I picked it up, running my finger along the ledge. It was a large knife used for butchering. "Shit, Roxas …put the knife down." Axel tried to reason with me, moving around me cautiously.
I turned around, heading out of the kitchen. Axel was once again following me, looking more alarmed by the minute. I entered my bedroom, stumbling forward, "He used me as his play thing …" I mumbled to no one in particular, "He used me! He used me ...like the sick fuck he was ..."
Axel arrived at the door, watching me as I trampled around the room. I started in my closet, throwing the clothes on the floor. Whatever I could get my hands on went flying to the floor. I pulled down the picture Naminé had given me for Christmas and threw it down on the floor. The frame shattered upon impact.
Next I began to yank my bed apart, throwing the sheets wherever I could. I swiped my arms across the dresser, sending whatever was on it crashing to the floor. When I was done, I began hammering the knife into the wood of my dresser.
"Do you hear me, Axel? THIS IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME! THIS IS WHY I'M SO FUCKED UP! Because that sick …that sick bastard …" I gripped my face in my hands, and began to sink down to the floor where I had been currently standing. "…Because he took advantage of me…" My voice got significantly lower, "…and there was nothing I could do to stop it."
"Roxas, I …" He looked at me, face completely void of expression as if he were afraid of me.
I looked up at him through bleary eyes, just shaking my head and not saying anything. The door opened and closed in a hurry and Sora's voice permeated through the silence that was now occurring between Axel and me.
"Roxas! Axel! Are you guys still here …oh, please still be …" Sora rushed down the hallway, stopping at my door. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw me sitting on the floor and Axel standing in the middle of the door way.
"Nothing I said …nothing I did …" I began again. "Nothing …nothing …I am nothing …" I looked up at the ceiling, trying to focus on something, anything. I turned to look at Sora and Axel who were still standing at the door, "We're all fucked up aren't we?"
"Rox …that's …not true…" Sora tried, shaking his head.
"That's why my father fucking detests me. That's why he allowed a man like Xemnas around his kids. That's why …that's why …that's why my mother was such a weak individual and decided to have an affair with the man that fucked her son for four straight years because …because she …she …she thought that would be enough to save him from using me. That's why Cloud doesn't bother with anyone in this circus of a family, that's why Rikku is so rebellious …" I swallowed hard, "The Ardenwells …such a dark family …so many family secrets…" I stumbled to my feet, looking at myself in the shattered mirror. "Well, no more …" I leaned down, in a vain attempt to find the knife. It must have dropped sometime during the time I was talking and I must have not noticed it. "I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not …I don't want to be around anyone anymore. I want to get the fuck away from this place. I want to fucking leave. I fucking want out …"
It was in that instant that Axel decided to act before I did anything rash. In one fell swoop, he locked his arms around my body and proceeded to lift me off the ground. I kicked away from him, trying to struggle out of his tight grip. Axel turned toward my brother, "Sora! Hurry up and call 911!" He yelled.
"No!" I yelled, trying to shake away from him, "You're not sending me back to that fucking hospital!" I was trying to kick him with the back of my foot now, pulling away with all my might. My breath was coming out ragged again as I tried to control myself. It wasn't working. "FUCK YOU!" I yelled. I was starting to cry now, "FUCK YOU SORA! FUCK YOU AXEL!"
Axel roughly pushed me down onto the bed, pinning me down as hard as he could against the mattress. He was trying to get me under control as I started to scream again, "I'm sorry …" Axel murmured into my ear, "I'm so sorry it had to come to this, Roxas …"
"I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU!" I yelled at him. My voice was straining in my throat. I was full on crying now, trying to lash out at anything. Axel was trying in a vain attempt to hold me down and get me under control. "I WANT ALL OF YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!"
I had finally reached my breaking point.
And Axel had been there to see it all.
xXx
Birds.
Flying birds with apple faces and chocolate covered beaks. They flew and surrounded my head every day and night.
I stood on top of a ball, wavering and teetering, never able to stand still. My eyes would often leave my head and I could see many things. The air held the smell of gasoline, like someone was forever trying to set a fire wherever I was. The wind often carried the scents of many things to my senses.
I would see flowers sometimes, dancing fading shapes before my eyes. The often felt wet against my face. Sometimes they'd explode into bubbles, and sting my skin and try to knock me off the giant ball on top which I stood on a day to day basis. Clouds would stream before me, circling me and clouding my vision. They often felt hot, searing to the touch. They suffocated me from time to time, and I hated whenever I would see them.
I was always hungry or thirsty. Sometimes I would eat the cats or dogs that flew by the ball I was on. Or find some way to break my skin so I could drink my own blood to quench an unsatisfied thirst.
I could never sleep, but my body would work. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second. Nothing could break me down.
People in this world had no faces. They were like those mannequin dolls. Unclothed and faceless. They passed me by on my giant ball, riding by on giant balls of their own. They often stopped by to say, "Bye!" when they greeted me, and "Hello!" when they were leaving. They had no names, either. They said names were useless in this world. I was bound to forget them anyway.
I too had no name.
Though I was often referred to as Madness.
xXx
When I woke up I didn't know where I was. My mind was clouded and I was finding it hard to concentrate.
When I tried to move my arms, I realized that my entire body had been strapped down to the bed I was in. I stared up the ceiling above me and established from the curtain that had been drawn around me, the steady beep of machines and the IV that was currently inserted into my arm, that I was in the hospital for one. How long had it been since I'd last been in one? Nearly two months? I struggled to move against the binds that held me down, letting out a frustrated sound when I couldn't budge.
"You won't get anywhere." I looked up to see Ansem standing in the crevice of where the curtains opened.
I looked at him, fidgeting in the bed as I tried to relax, "Where am I?"
"You're in the Lenox Hill hospital psychiatric ward." Ansem sat down in the seat next to the bed, "You've been slipping in and out of consciousness for the past three days."
I closed my eyes, shutting them tight, "Where's Sora? Where's Axel?" I asked softly, "Why aren't they here?"
"…You …" Ansem paused, "You aren't allowed to have visitors, family members or friends. In your current condition Roxas, you're too unstable as of yet to be seeing much of anyone right about now." He looked down at me, "I strongly put myself at blame for this, Roxas. I told myself that it was too soon to discharge you …but I wanted to see if I could prove myself wrong. You were barely teetering on stable before you left and now …"
I looked up at him, not saying anything so he continued on.
"We must start anew." He cleared his throat, "There will be many doctors coming to see you during the week. They will be doing an evaluation of your mental state and capacity. They'll be asking you many questions pertaining to your life, your family, your friends …those sorts of things."
"I'm not …a fucking invalid, Ansem." I mumbled.
He nodded, "Yes, but you are still a threat to yourself and those around you. I do not wish to be doing this anymore than you do, understand me Roxas." He paused again, "There is something else you must know."
"What?" I snapped, feeling myself growing more irritated by the minute.
"You are no longer in Axel's outpatient care."
xXx
The first person that I met was Dr. Snow White.
Yes, her first name was Snow and her last was White. Her parents must have been hippies. She was soft spoken, and quiet. A bit timid actually, not exactly sure what to say to me or how to approach me. She sat down in the chair across from me, holding a clipboard in her arms. When she opened her mouth to speak, I could barely hear her.
So when I told her to speak up, she softly apologized, pressing the clipboard into my lap. I was asked to fill out a questionnaire of sorts. After I was done, I handed it back to her and she began talking to me in that same soft spoken voice of hers. Her focus was on my family history. What did I like about my family? What didn't I like about them? What was it like growing up with my two brothers and sister, so forth and so on. She left the room, bowing softly to me and thanking me for being so cooperative before leaving the room and disappearing.
The next morning I met Dr. Alice Hainsworth, a petite, young blonde doctor hailing from Wales. She was rather absent minded at times, always wandering off and talking about something that didn't pertain to the present issues at hand. Like Dr. White she had me fill out a questionnaire again. Alice asked me about my friends. What type of qualities did I look for in friends, what friendships had I bothered to keep up until this point in time and if I felt like I was getting any substance from those friendships and the questions went on.
The next person to come to me was Dr. Agnes Malecifent, who looked like something straight out of a sci-fi movie. Her skin was a grotesque green color, and she wore copious amounts of hideous make up that did nothing to hide the aging features of her already demented face. She was all talk, no action. She went on and on and on. Her focus was supposed to be on financial dependency …but she spent more time going about her "plans" whatever the hell they were.
She wasn't much help.
Next was Dr. Jasmine Lahari, or …Mrs. "Please don't call me Jasmine the Hottie, I've heard it before." Why sure, if emaciation is your turn on then I could see why. Jasmine was there to talk to me about future plans. Did I ever want to return to college? Did I want to start up my own business and follow on in the Ardenwell traditions? Basically, to put it bluntly, she asked me what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.
She was the only person I didn't have an answer for.
The last doctor that Ansem sent was Dr. Theophilus Mattez …or as he wanted me to call him, 'Phil'. Phil was a stout doctor with a large mouth to compensate for what he lacked in height. Hell and people told me I was short. Out of all of the doctors that I had met within the past few days, Phil had been the one that struck a chord in me.
To put things bluntly, Phil didn't bullshit or beat around corners with anything. He went straight to the point, telling me why he was there, and what he planned on doing. He, like the four before him presented me with an array of questions and had me fill them out to the best of my ability. However, Phil ...Phil was directly focused on me. Nothing revolving around family, friends, finance, future plans ...this was all strictly, how does Roxas feel about himself. His parting words to me had been, "It's your choice, kid. It's your life." before closing the door to that four walled, white room that I had been confined to.
Ansem came to see me regularly, keeping me company and bringing me reading material when he had the time to.
The rule about no one visiting had not been lifted since I had been put in this place. My only source to the outside world had been Ansem and a window facing out on Park Avenue from 77th street. No television, no phone calls, zilch.
The ward itself wasn't quiet. There was always someone crying or screaming to disrupt the silence. Often at times I'd have dreams or my own thoughts to entertain me. But, on the rare occasion, I found myself breaking down a couple of times. That often resulted in my own screaming contest with the person across the hall to see which one of us could outlast the other before we fell subject to our own exhaustion and were subjected to a more silent scream; tears.
A nurse was always there however to come give us a shot of a sedative to lull us into a stupor and get us into bed. One time I had a particularly bad episode where I tried to break the door down and get out. The nurse had to have two people hold me down before they were able to administer a drug heavy enough to knock me out. After that, I never had the need to have a screaming contest with the person across the hall. It was doing more harm than good.
I often thought about what was going on in the outside world. How was Sora? Did he miss me? How were he and Riku doing? How was Axel? Did they think of me? My mind was also missing quite a few memories of the night that had landed me in here. All I could remember was screaming, and breaking up nearly everything that was in the apartment. Axel held me …down …and …everything worked itself up into a blur. After a while thought I became bored. …I lost track of time.
The doctor's deliberated for what seemed like ages. I had been in the hospital for awhile before they finally came to a conclusion. Ansem finally came to me and told me that I was going to be released on February 12th, two days before my 20th birthday. He didn't give me any other information. Was I going to be going to another ward? Was I going home? What was going to happen to me?
The answer came on the morning of my release. Ansem walked me down to the private exit of the hospital where Sora was waiting for me. The minute Sora saw me he gave me a bone crushing hug and refused to let me go until Ansem had to pry him off of me.
We got into the limo, Sora assuring me that things were going to be different from now on, that everything was going to be okay. Of course the media were storming our building, and there was a police blockade surrounding the area to divert traffic and hold everyone off. When we got to our apartment, Soro was already there pawing at me and barking.
She whined and sniffed my feet, as Sora directed me toward my room. He told me to get some rest, nothing more. I didn't bother to probe him for answers, I was just glad to be out of the hospital and somewhere where I wasn't under surveillance twenty four seven. I fell asleep the moment I fell onto my bed, and when I woke up, the entire house was quiet.
xXx
Don't bother saying you're sorry, why don't you come in?
...Someone was talking or singing for one …and it definitely wasn't Sora...
I've done this before and I will do it again, come on and kill me baby ...while you smile like a friend. Oh and I'll come running, just to do it again…
"Sora?" I called to the empty air. I stepped out into the hallway, looking down its length to see that Sora's door was closed. When I got no reply, I tried again, only a bit more forceful, "Sora!"
"Nope, try again." A slightly raspy voice answered.
Sitting smack dab in the living room was the last person I'd ever thought I'd see returning to my life. His legs were crossed, and he had a guitar propped up in his lap.
"What? Cat got your tongue? Or did you miss me?" He removed the cigarette hanging out of his mouth and stabbed it out on the ash tray beside him. There it was, that wild Cheshire cat grin. Always beaming without any need for provocation. He crossed his arms over in front of his chest as he leaned down on his guitar, "I'm sure Ansem told you I wouldn't be back and whatever. But, here I am. Back per request of your brother and surprisingly, Mr. Wise consented to it."
…Sora? I racked my mind for something to say."...That was you before, wasn't it?"
"Hmmm, maybe ..." He grinned, standing up. He propped the guitar against the chair he was sitting on and made his way over to me, hands on his hips, "So are you surprised?" Smirking, he unfolded his arms and leaned forward a bit, "So tell me, how you have been?"
I paused momentarily, "Like shit. Is that good enough?"
"That's a start." He grinned, walking past me, "So, did you eat yet? I bet you didn't eat much while you were in that hospital did you? …They do serve some pretty nasty stuff …"
I watched his slender form disappear into the kitchen, leaving me to watch him from the center of the living room. He was here, he was back. He was actually here, acting like nothing had ever happened. The sheer normality of it all was too much. I rubbed furiously at my eyes to prevent the water that had gathered there from falling.
"Roxy?"
"No …no, I didn't." I mumbled.
"How about some mangu? …We could go out to the store and get the ingredients, would that be okay? Roxy? Hellloooo? Can you hear me?"
…Axel was back.