9. Carlos is nearly kicked out of the wedding
June 2008 – 1 day to go
"How hard is it to get here at 5:30 on a Friday?" DA sighed. Evan was sitting on a chair, ignoring her sister, and texting her friends about how lame this stuff was.
"Well, the rush hour traffic is probably slowing everyone down." The minister rolled his eyes. He hoped the rest of the people were less insanely detail oriented than the bride, who was quite bossy and vain.
"I made it!" Carlos cried triumphantly. "And guess who I brought?"
"Don't push Mikey down the stairs!" Tim warned Arnold, who wasn't paying attention while giving Mikey a hand in meeting his brother's hectic schedule.
"I wasn't going to." Arnold almost snapped.
"Where's the girls?" Ralphie asked.
"Don't you know?" Carlos raised his eyebrows. "Why isn't Phoebe attached to your hip?"
"We can function without each other." Ralphie yawned. Despite what he said, he and Phoebe had been hand-feeding six healthy and fast-growing puppies every two hours and neither knew how the puppies or Shaggy Maggie would survive without their help. Phoebe knew she'd be miserable if she'd had to bottle feed every two hours on her own. Between the puppies and the wedding, they were both exhausted.
"So why are you so tired?" DA asked pryingly. "Have you two been engaging in coitus?"
"No, mom." Ralphie rolled his eyes.
"Don't get smart with me." DA ordered. "You'll have to control your hormones tomorrow or I'm going to disown you. You know I'm still not happy about you helping drag Phoebe away from her duties at the party."
"Uh-huh," Ralphie nodded. He had some Rolling Stones song stuck in his head. He loved the Stones, but hated that he couldn't understand a damn thing Mick Jagger said. Granted, he knew some of the words, but not enough to satisfy his need to know them ALL. He wasn't going to be able to look them up anytime soon either.
"Sorry I'm late." Phoebe burst into the room. "The traffic was terrible." She's brought the rest of the girls with her. DA didn't feel the tension rising, but she took one look at Janet and something snapped.
"YOU RUINED MY WEDDING!" DA screamed in the general direction of the girls. The minister winced.
"Holy freak-out, Batman." Carlos remarked.
"Carlos, that's it. You're out of the wedding!" DA exclaimed.
"No way!" Carlos argued. "I can't be out of the wedding."
"I know." DA was on the verge of tears. "You're stressing me out. This whole thing is stressing me out."
"It's stressing everyone out." Carlos put an arm around her cautiously. "It's even getting to mild-mannered Tim."
Ralphie could still hear echoes of the Rolling Stones' guitars and Mick Jagger's melodic rambling, giving way to a chorus of, "Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes…" He was glad he knew some of the words, even if it was only three.
"Can we get the rehearsal started?" The minister looked at his watch impatiently. After much ado, everyone was practicing the "step, together" pattern. The minister couldn't believe the stories of the honor attendant position being filled by nearly everyone in attendance, including Janet, who was there in case Phoebe or another one of the girls were demoted or something. The rehearsal itself was over in a half an hour.
"Could I say something to the group?" Janet asked DA. DA could feel her face heat up. This was taking away from her special day, and she didn't like it, but Carlos nodded. Janet put an arm around Tim's waist. "I'm pregnant!" She exclaimed. Every orifice on Dorothy Ann's face doubled in size: her nostrils flared, her jaw dropped, and her eyes widened.
"You're getting rid of it, right?" Dorothy Ann nodded enthusiastically.
"No, we're keeping it!" Tim defended.
"You can't be pregnant!" DA was incredulous. "You have to –"
"It's not your decision!" Janet interrupted; horrified that DA would even suggest something like that, in front of a member of the clergy, nonetheless.
"It could be Carlos' baby, and I'm the only one who's supposed to have his babies. It is TOO my decision." DA argued. A stunned silence fell over the group, except Ralphie, who still had the Rolling Stones stuck in his head.
"Dorothy Ann, don't you think you've gone a little far here?" The minister asked after a moment.
"Yeah," Wanda pitched in. "You wanted to kill Janet's baby."
"I DID NOT." DA yelled. "I just didn't want to deal with her hormones and drama at my wedding."
"I thought we were past this." Phoebe sighed.
"We were, then she woke up." Keesha whispered.
"WHAT?" DA demanded.
"Remember at the bachelorette party when you turned normal?" Keesha asked.
"No." DA folded her arms.
"Well you realized that you're driving us all insane." Wanda continued. "And you were crying and you called Phoebe while she was violating that dog."
"Wait, what?" Tim asked. "I knew Phoebe loved animals, but not like that!"
The minister rushed out of the room, disgusted.
Dorothy Ann was stuck in Phoebe's car with Keesha, Wanda, and Janet. She was wondering about apologizing to Phoebe for the betrayal she'd committed, but vaguely remembered being sorry. She just didn't like the idea of playing second fiddle to someone whose name started with Shaggy and who was found in a dumpster. Now with Janet being pregnant with Carlos' baby, she was about at the end of her rope. Unfortunately, Carlos' extended family, which included lots of people who encouraged Carlos' antics, was present. They were all at a medium-quality restaurant, something Dorothy Ann wasn't exactly pleased with, and she didn't like it when they all ordered beer. She was expecting an establishment with a wine list, but this was Carlos' family's idea of a party. He and Mikey had been dead-set on Golden Corral, but Dorothy Ann put her foot down at the idea of a buffet.
"Who ordered the beer of the day?" The waitress asked, her tray full of bottles of ale. "Today it's Polygamy Porter – we order it special from Utah, so you know it's good."
"What?" Dorothy Ann's eyes widened. "I don't think that's appropriate. We're getting married tomorrow," She tried to stop the waitress, but one of Carlos' uncles stopped her.
"Of course it's appropriate. We just wanted him to have one last taste of life before he's forced into monogamy." He smiled widely.
"It's good," Carlos approved, sipping the beer. Then, in an attempt to be funny, he added, "I might need another!"
"That's the spirit!" Arnold laughed.
"I've never heard of that." Ralphie peered at the bottle.
"So it's not really the beer of the day," Mike Ramon, senior, said. "We found this place when we were skiing Park City last winter and knew you'd appreciate the joke."
"Show him the shirt!" Mirabel Ramon laughed.
Mr. Ramon unfolded a navy blue t-shirt that read "I've Tried Polygamy!" small on the front, and on the back was a large picture of a man among many wives and cherubs, with "Polygamy porter" across the top and a banner underneath asking "Why have just one?" Below the name of the brewery was "Bring some home to the wives!" and the location. Dorothy Ann's mouth hung open.
"Awesome, thanks!" Carlos beamed. "I'd wear it tomorrow, but I'll be busy acquiring wife number one."
Dorothy Ann stood up and grabbed Carlos by his arm and pulled him into a corner. "You're never wearing that shirt."
"It's hilarious!" Carlos protested. "Of course I'll wear it. Besides, it's appropriate for the bar."
"Do you want to marry me or not?" Dorothy Ann gritted her teeth.
"Chill out," Carlos sighed. "It's just a beer and a shirt. I'm not really into polygamy. You know this."
"I don't like your family's lighthearted attitude toward our wedding." DA continued.
"Well maybe they don't like your taking everything so seriously." Carlos countered. "And frankly, neither do I."
"Carlos, we're making a lifetime commitment. This isn't a joke!"
"Yeah, I know." Carlos was exasperated. "But everyone's just trying to take a break from all the stress and blow off steam."
"You guys haven't had to do anything!" DA exclaimed. "You don't know what it's like to be stressed!"
"Calm down." Carlos urged, still angry. "You haven't done this all yourself. Get over yourself."
DA was more shocked than before. "You're telling ME to get over myself?"
"Just stop." Carlos insisted. "We can have stupid fights any time, but you honestly need to realize that you've done the lion's share of driving everyone insane."
"I'm just stressed." DA tried, but suddenly remembered that this hadn't worked before. "I know everyone is stressed, but they just have no idea what I'm going through. I don't know what they are either, but still."
"Try to lighten up a little." Carlos grinned. "Things will be fine."
"Are they fighting AGAIN?" Tim rolled his eyes. "I thought they got over this when they were fifteen."
"Yeah, me too." Ralphie thought, as the damn Rolling Stones song kept playing in his head. "Here it comes," he sang under his breath.
Arnold raised his eyebrows at Ralphie, who he'd been waiting to fall asleep in his bowl of chili. It was his method of coping. "Are you fantasizing about Ralphie again?" Keesha whispered to Arnold.
"What? No!" Arnold looked at her. "Wait – did you say 'again'?"
"I did."
"When was the first time?" Arnold asked.
"Oh, probably before you leapt into his arms in third grade." Keesha replied slyly.
"I'm not gay for Ralphie." Arnold hissed.
"Whatever." Keesha grinned. "I'm just telling you that I'm okay with it."
Tim looked around the restaurant, wondering why Janet hadn't been invited to eat even though she'd rehearsed, something most of the people there hadn't done. He had a feeling it had to do with Dorothy Ann being convinced that Janet was having Carlos' baby. Tim decided to pull DA aside, seeing that she'd started her dinner.
"What?" DA asked crankily. "I'm trying to eat."
"I just had to make sure you know that there's no way Janet would know she's pregnant if it was with Carlos' baby." Tim said quickly. "You've got a lot to worry about, you don't need to concern yourself with Carlos having bastard children."
"I thought it was clear that I didn't want to talk about that." DA sighed, trying to lighten up. She was doing a good job so far. She wanted to punch Tim in the face, but she was only telling him to shut up. "How can you be sure?"
"She's been to the doctor – she's 6 weeks along." Tim said. "They did an ultrasound."
"And you saw that the baby's black?" DA asked.
"It's an ultrasound, DA, everything looks black." Tim sighed. "But it's too far along to be Carlos' kid."
"Good." DA sighed, allowing herself to be relieved. She and Tim went back to the dinner. Tim had decided not to mention that it was incredibly rude for Janet not to be invited, because he wanted to avoid more drama. Dorothy Ann was pleased that she made it to dessert without being interrupted anymore, but she was a bit angered – concerned – by Phoebe and Ralphie continually nodding off. She got up and put a hand on Phoebe's shoulder. "Make sure to get your beauty sleep tonight. You'll need it."
"Wh-what?" Phoebe stammered. "You mean for the long day tomorrow?"
"Oh yeah, right." DA kept smiling. "I'm going to go home and sleep. Hair and nail appointments for you girls are at noon."
"See you then!" Keesha said cheerfully.
"I don't want talons." Wanda sighed. "She's making us get our nails too long and square."
"I forgot about that." Phoebe yawned.
"She's doing better, right?" Carlos pressed. "Please tell me you won't mutiny."
"We're not going to mutiny." Keesha spoke for the girls.
"Speak for yourself." Wanda teased.
"That's not funny!" Carlos insisted.
"I think Ralphie's napping," Arnold called. When no one responded, he picked up a knife and prodded Ralphie with it.
"Your turn." Ralphie muttered.
"You're sleeping in public." Arnold replied.
"I'll do it later." Ralphie turned away from Arnold.
"We should draw on his face." Carlos grinned. "Tim, do you have a Sharpie?"
"That's probably a really bad idea." Phoebe warned. "I bet DA would kill you if Ralphie has a dick on his face in your wedding pictures."
"She has a point." Tim added.
"Damn." Carlos sighed.
"Do you know how tacky it is not to invite me to the dinner?" Janet raged. "Just because she thinks I slept with Carlos…"
"I know." Tim sighed. "I can't wait for it to be over."
"You know how she wanted the wedding to be perfect?" Janet asked. "I think I never want to get married after this ordeal."
"Aw, come on," Tim grinned, pulling her into his lap. "Never is a long time."
"You know what I mean." Janet smiled back at him. "Besides, we've got other things to worry about now." She put her hand over Tim's that was on her lower abdomen.
"I knew we should've waited 'til they're in Tahiti to tell everyone." Tim sighed. "This whole thing has turned Carlos and Dorothy Ann into people I wonder why I like."
"Fortunately, things will be back to normal soon." Janet assured. She looked into Tim's dark brown eyes and grinned mischievously. "Want to go to bed?"
"You bet!" Tim winked and followed her into the bedroom.
"Why are we watching this?" Arnold groaned. He was sitting on the floor of his and Keesha's new apartment, while Keesha was on the couch massaging his head. They were watching My Best Friend's Wedding.
"You love it." Keesha replied, loving the feeling of Arnold's thick curls around her hands. "You love chick flicks."
"Not all of them." Arnold argued.
"Just most of the sappy ones." Keesha grinned. She found Arnold's "secret weakness" both endearing and hilarious. "Didn't you cry during A Walk to Remember?"
"I thought it was mandatory to cry at that movie!" Arnold tried defending himself. "It has cancer!"
"So you cry whenever someone has cancer?" Keesha asked. "You didn't cry during the Tour de France."
"Lance Armstrong didn't have cancer." Arnold sighed. "It was gone! Guys in spandex make me cry for other reasons."
"I'm just giving you a hard time." Keesha leaned forward and kissed his forehead, then continued running her fingers through Arnold's hair. Arnold started to doze. "You're like a cat, you know that?"
"I'm not that hairy." Arnold smiled. "And I don't lick myself."
"You would if you could." Keesha teased. "I know about male fantasies."
"You do, do you?" Arnold turned around and raised an eyebrow. "Shall we test that?"
Ralphie was singing something rambling and incoherent for the past while, and Phoebe knew this meant he had the Rolling Stones stuck in his head. Ralphie had a very hard time understanding Mick Jagger, even when he looked at the lyrics. It had taken her a half an hour to convince him that the lyrics to "Beast of Burden" didn't involve "suck a duck" (rather, "suck it up") or "I'll never leave your pizza burnin'."
"What are you singing?" She asked gently.
"I have no idea." Ralphie sounded more devastated in his state of exhaustion.
"It's okay," Phoebe put her arm around Ralphie, who rested his head on her shoulder and she rested her head on his.
"I want it out of my head. I don't understand the damn guy." Ralphie closed his eyes. Phoebe's hair was tickling his nose, so he moved. "Is it bad if the wedding is stressing me out more than college ever does?"
"No," Phoebe answered after a moment of thought. "It's been kind of crazy."
"The puppies are gone for the night?" Ralphie asked.
"Yes," Phoebe smiled at him. "We can finally get some sleep."
DA looked around her dark apartment and couldn't believe this was her last night as a single, free woman. She hadn't expected it to feel so lonely. She'd expected she'd be able to sleep. She could only lay awake, staring at the ceiling and thinking about the whole process up to this point. She tried to think of happy things with her and Carlos, but the sneaking suspicion that she'd really messed up her friendships wouldn't let her be. She knew Carlos was at his crappy apartment, ready to move. They'd found an apartment in Walkerville so Carlos could be near the bar and his MBA classes. DA closed her eyes and decided to let Carlos chase whatever he felt like doing. It was the sanest thing she could do.
Carlos, meanwhile, was hoping he hadn't created a monster. Dorothy Ann had been a bit out of control lately, and he couldn't help but realize it. He tried not to worry as his phone rang.
"Carlos, I'm scared." Dorothy Ann whimpered into his ear. "Are you?"
"A little." Carlos hated to admit it, but it was worse than saying he was afraid she'd turn psycho. He'd seen it in the movies. That didn't make it real, but it made it possible. He had to address it, though; that's just the way he was. He thought a moment, then asked, "Are you feeling crazy?"
"Not really." DA looked around her dark room. "Are you feeling like a man-whore?"
"Not really." Carlos was a bit taken aback. "I didn't sleep with Janet. I think."
"It doesn't matter, just never let it happen again." DA sighed.
"Try not to go crazy again."
"I just like to have everything in order."
"You do a better job at that when you're not crazy."
"Thanks." DA smiled. "I can't sleep."
"Well, I'm really tired." Carlos admitted. "I don't know if that makes me a bad person."
"Of course it does!" DA teased. "You're supposed to stay up with me!"
"It's a bit soon to joke like that," Carlos laughed weakly. "I'm not convinced you're out of the woods."
"Sorry." DA bit her lip. "I'll try again in a week."
"Only if you're sane." Carlos teased. "But I think it says a lot about our relationship if we can survive the madness of planning this shindig, right?"
"Hell yes."
I don't own Wasatch Brewery or Polygamy Porter, but it was actually the beer of the day at my friends' rehearsal dinner.
The song in Ralphie's head is "19th Nervous Breakdown," by the Rolling Stones. I don't own it either.
Next: the ceremony and TONS O FLUFF.