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-Hazel

A loud, bloodcurdling scream.

It rang out in the darkness, immediately forcing Kensi awake. She reached for her gun in the bedside table, heart pounding from the piercing sound.

Once she came to complete consciousness, it took only a matter of one or two seconds for her to realize that the sound had come from inside the very room she'd been sleeping in.

It was Deeks.

He thrashed around beside her, face wet with a glossy sheen of perspiration.

"Deeks," she stated. Her voice quivered but she tried to remain calm and reassuring, rather than panicking him further.

"You're just dreaming. I'm right here."

With fumbling hands she reached over and turned on the lamp, her eyes somehow finding a way to quickly adjust to the light. As she rotated her body towards him, there was yet another scream. They continuously grew louder and louder, more terrified as time went on, and Kensi just couldn't seem to pull his mind out of the daze it was trapped in.

"Deeks!" She reached out, grabbing one of his hands and weaving her fingers between hers. "I've got you."

The thrashing stopped, heavy breathing following close behind. His eyes shot around the room, and it was evident in his face that Deeks was panicked and uncertain of his own surroundings.

"Hey, hey hey- it's okay."

It wasn't really, but she still said it regardless.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she watched his gaze focus in on her features. Kensi hated that it was taking more than just a split second for his intellect to come back into reality.

He'd seemed worse on that particular morning, definitely- empty eyes, a stiff back, defensiveness. But she hadn't expected anything like what she was receiving, and nothing could've prepared her for it.

Kensi had never seen Deeks truly cry before. Even right after he'd been tortured she hadn't seen more than a single tear escape his eyes. She'd watched him get emotional- but that was it. She'd never seen him like that.

Hurt, scared, sad, frustrated, and unable to hold any of it back.

Deeks broke down completely before her, his voice fading in and out of loud sobs as he tried to speak, but no actual words would come out.

She pulled his shaggy mop of blond hair close to her chest, holding on tightly with both hands.

"Shhh, Deeks. I've got you."

Tears welled up in Kensi's eyes as he just continued to cry, even louder once she brought his face close to hers.

For weeks and weeks it had been building up inside of him, and Kensi saw all of the accumulative pain whittled down into that one single moment.

She wondered if it was like this every night for him, as this was the first time she'd been there, by his side to watch it all unfold. Kensi assumed that it was rather naive of herself to think that it only happened when she was sleeping beside him.

He'd had to go through it, alone, with nobody around to wake him up and tell him that it wasn't real. That it was all a dream.

Pulling him closer still, she winced at the thought. Maybe Deeks had spent every night like that for weeks, but had never told her? Maybe he just didn't want her to worry?

Kensi's heart tore at the possibilities, each one making her shudder even further.

Deeks stiffened as he heard her sniffles, pulling away slightly so he could push himself up in bed. "I'm sorry, Kens."

She couldn't bear to hear him say those words to her, as it wasn't right. He had absolutely no reason to apologize. Deeks had hardly any control over his mind, or the dark places it traveled to as he slept.

"Don't say that."

He shook his head, running a hand through his messy hair. "But I am, and-"

"But you shouldn't be," she interrupted, tapping the bottom of his chin so his eyes were looking directly into hers. "I'm fine."

"You're crying."

"Yes, but I'm fine. You're the one I'm worried about," she whispered, eyes dampening more and more with the passing time.

"How long has this been going on?"

"The nightmares?"

She couldn't tell if he was simply exhausted or diverting away from the point.

"Yeah. How long?"

Deeks was silent for a long moment before finally speaking, his tone hushed and solemn.

"Awhile."

Kensi understood exactly what that meant.

She should've known. She should've assumed that when he'd told her that he 'didn't sleep much,' it was because of the nightmares.

So she should've known.

Kensi shook her head slowly before burying it in her hands, unable to stop the tears that flooded into her eyes and clouded her vision. Blaming herself for it all was irrational, but she did it regardless. He was her partner, her person- she was supposed to watch out for him. To keep him safe. To always be there, having his back, just like she'd promised.

And despite having already recognized the problem that morning, Kensi still believed that she might have been too late.

That she'd failed.

"I'm so sorry, Deeks... I-I should've-"

"There was nothing you could've done," he stated, his voice cracking.

"I want to help, Deeks. I want to make it all better, I want the pain to go away…" Kensi exhaled and closed her eyes, desperately hoping that she'd find the strength within herself to make the tears subside.

"I'm trying so hard to figure this out with you."

"I know you are, Kens."

Deeks wrapped his partner up in a hug, pulling her close. Kensi buried her head in the crook of his shoulder, allowing the tears to flow and dampen his tee shirt.

"I'm going to keep trying," Kensi whispered, her voice muffled. "Whatever it takes."

Deeks closed his eyes tightly, swallowing in her ear. "Whatever it takes."

He repeated her words, taking solace in them. It may have seemed like Deeks was just holding Kensi in that moment, when in actuality they were both being comforted by one another's presence.

A voice, a whisper, a single word. It all accumulated, and it all helped the both of them recover.

Kensi was upset, but only because she utterly despised seeing him like that. Deeks was hurting, but despite knowing and understanding where it was all coming from, there was nothing concrete she could do to help.

This was different than anything they'd ever faced before. She couldn't help him like a partner normally would- swooping in at the last minute and saving the day.

No, this was different. He was different.

So right then, sitting there with him was where Kensi came to the realization that he hadn't been 'slipping away' from her at all, as she'd previously hypothesized.

No- Deeks was traveling back in time, and he'd been trying to find a way to mask it for weeks. His plan had clearly been unsuccessful, and in the back of his mind he'd known all along that it would be.

As it stood, Kensi was a difficult person to hide anything from, no matter what it might be. But his little secret was on a completely different level of importance.

Deeks should've known that it would be utterly impossible to keep it hidden from her. Kensi was his girlfriend, as well as his partner, which meant that it was bound to come out eventually, even if he tried to cover it up.

It was fairly evident that Deeks' mental images of the torture were still there, waiting to flood back into the forefront of his mind and takeover whenever they pleased.

He couldn't get through a single night without slipping back to that room- dark, desolate, quiet, lonely.

In an odd way, it was almost worse reliving it the second time around. When he'd been in the midst of it, Deeks could convince his mind to leave his body. He'd forced himself to become detached from the situation, and had taken himself out of the equation entirely.

But now that everything was good again, the memories would pop up and interrupt him at rather inconvenient times. Happy moments of smiles and laughter, ruined, as each was cut short by screams and power drills... along with a flurry of other thoughts.

The good and the bad mixed together, so distinguishing one from the other had become a trying task.

Electric chairs. Sam. Gunfire. Hetty. OSP. The box. Kensi. Callen. Nell. Eric. Nursery rhymes. Grocery lists. Kensi. Kensi. Kensi.

No single thought completely tied into another, and it made Deeks feel like he was beginning to lose his grasp on reality. Slipping away was a terrifying idea, as it was possible that he might never come back.

So in that moment, quiet and secluded, Deeks decided to tell Kensi the truth.

"It feels like I'm losing my mind," he whispered, watery eyes laced with fear.

Kensi slowly lifted her head from his shoulder, still keeping both hands wrapped tightly around his back.

She wasn't letting go- in more ways than one.

"You aren't losing your mind."

Kensi didn't have an explanation for everything- Nate could try and provide that when they met. Her job was to support him, not to try and provide reasoning as to why a million thoughts were dancing around his mind all at once.

"It sure as hell feels like it."

"Well, you're not." She huffed defiantly. "Losing your mind means that you're crazy... and you're definitely not crazy."

"I'm a little crazy," he said, giving her half a smile.

Kensi tried her best to return the favor. "Maybe. But not really."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"How what?"

"How can you be so sure?"

Kensi sighed, brushing back his hair with one hand. "Because I'm here, and I'm not gonna let you 'go crazy,' or lose your mind. Not even for a second."

Deeks nodded, and he suddenly looked so small, like he was just terrified of the unknown.

His eyes wandered away from hers for a moment, but Kensi wouldn't let them stray for long.

"Remember, Deeks- whatever it takes."

He swallowed and looked up to show her yet another smile, the second one much more genuine than the first.

"Okay. Whatever it takes."