Disclaimer: I own nothing
Me: Well…. Here we are… Our boys are going to have "The Talk"
But by all that is holy and good in this world, writing this was the hardest thing I've written! I mean, the only reason it took me so long is because I had to stop every paragraph to get something out of my eyes... Because, there was no way I was crying... It was dust I tell you! DUST!
Me: And a BIG shout-out to saroura92 for that fantastic line in the last chapter. I hope you don't mind but I integrated it into the story!
Me: *running hand through hair* ARGH! I must be getting old in my age! How else could I let another beat me to the punch in a story!? I must write them fast that's what! *mutters away*
And btw…. Over 10,000….. Yep… hope it was worth the wait!
ENJOY!
Back and forth. Back and forth. Arthur couldn't help himself; his legs had taken a mind of their own and started pacing after he saw his queen turn the corner. The passage of time was beyond him as he waited for news. Will she convince him to hear him out? Or will he simply refuse outright. He felt his head was going to explode if he didn't have an answer soon.
"Arthur..." He will forever deny it, but at that moment his whole body jumped as he felt Gwen's hand upon his shoulder. Turning around, his eyes met those of his solemn but confident wife. "You can go and talk to him now."
"How is he?"
When he asked this, her eyes turned molten as her mocha eyes brimmed with unshed tears. "I won't lie to you; I could clearly see how much pain you've inflicted all those months ago. Gods Arthur, he is in so much pain..." His heart ache at the slight hitch in her voice; he had barely seen his brother since they arrived here and even then he could feel he was in pain. He couldn't imagine what Gwen must have seen. "But I am sure that once you talk to him and explain, the two will finally start to forgive each other." Hearing this, he couldn't help but show her how insecure and frightened he was. What if he couldn't convince his brother of how sorry he felt, or of how much he needed him at his side?
"Go to him..." He heard her continue as she stared at him, giving him as much strength as she could. "It's time for you to set and for him to rise again." Taking what little strength he could from her, Arthur took a few cleansing breaths and nodded to her in understanding.
He let himself be guided by his queen through the many corridors inside the fortress; his heart, pounding with each step he takes. Thoughts fluttered and buzz about in his head. His courage betrays his body as he feels his hands clammy and shaky and he felt angry at himself for his weakness. He should not feel like this, he brought this upon himself so he should face it head on. Squaring his shoulders, he realized that they had apparently arrived where Merlin was waiting for him. His queen gave him one last comforting look before she started walking away, leaving the king perched stiff still in front of two massive wooden doors. Taking a deep, cleansing breath, he raised his hand to open the doors, but not before he muttered a quiet oath to himself.
"... I will not fail you again brother."
When Arthur opened the tall doors, his eyes immediately fell upon the slight frame of his brother staring out the window. He almost burst into hysterical giggling at the irony; the sun has already set outside and given the moon its place and here he was, about to do the same. Letting the doors close, neither man broke their gaze, the king continued to stare at his brother while he simply watched the silver moon outside, his eyes unmoving and unflinching.
"Evening..." He can't help but wince at how awkward that sounded like. And he winced once again when he heard his brother reply in an aloof and unyielding tone.
"... That it is, your majesty." And thus, the two fell into a heavy silence once more. Arthur knows he will have to do the talking this time, knows that it was up to him to rekindle their bond, but for the life of him he swore his feet became heavy as lead. However, after all these years together, he supposed he should expect his brother to surprise him one last time as he was the one to break the silence instead.
"Gwen told me that you had something important to tell me sire?" He heard Merlin state simply as he turned to look at him. However, that immediately was followed by another one of those blasted subservient bows. "I can't imagine that it could change anything but as my sovereign, I have to obey..."
And boy did that hurt. What little warmth that cold echo inside of him had achieved by being near Merlin has all but extinguish now with those words. But nevertheless he had to continue. However painful and empty he felt inside.
"You... You don't have to obey anyone Merlin. Least of all me." Arthur managed to respond as he stared at the bowed form of his brother in front of him."But I am grateful that you are willing to listen." At this, Merlin finally rose and looked directly at him for what seemed to be the first time since they arrived at the fort. His eyes immediately began to drank the features on Merlin's face. He saw the salted raven hair, the slight bags under his eyes, the steel gaze upon his eyes that dare not show the smallest glint of their host pain. He let his eyes specially linger on the scar upon his cheek. The scar he himself had left there... No, he had to remain strong, he can't let himself be pulled into oblivion until he at least tell his brother what he had to say.
Stepping a little bit closer to grasp the handles on one of the chairs amongst them, Arthur lowered his gaze at the table as he began. "Bonds of blood and flesh are supposed to last a lifetime." Arthur began. "Family should support each other, be there for each other. Family should never betray or hide anything from each other and yet my own has done so..." The king let himself drift off, his mind flashing when he was a child and watched in jealousy as all the kids from commoners were showered with love from their family.
"My father has lied to me about my sister..." He acknowledged with a bitter taste in his mouth. "My sister has lied about her magic, intent on usurping the throne with it... My uncle betrayed me in favor of my sister for whatever reason." At this, Arthur let his eyes close as the heavy betrayal began to show itself in front of his eyes. All the time wasted as a family, all the time he gave his heart to them...
"All my life, I've trusted my family blindly and in return I have been trampled by their betrayal. Time after time, I've put my faith on them only to be crushed to the point of crippling despair." Here, the young king let the room fall silent once again as he took another deep breath and raised his head to stare at his brother stoic eyes.
"But I guess I should be thankful..." He stated with a brief melancholic smile. "They showed me who my real friends where and they showed me the true worth of loyalty." Whatever reaction he expected from Merlin as he said this, was only met with the same devastatingly cold eyes.
"Just mere blood and flesh doesn't create a meaningful and lasting relationship and bond with one another." he continued, desperate to get the words out. "It takes dedication, empathy, listening, encouraging... You need somebody who accepts you for who you are."
"You where there for me when I needed you the most. Brought me back from the brink of utter madness and gave me back my courage when I faced my most daunting trials..." He drifted off again as the memories began to flash at an outstanding speed in front of his eyes. All those dark times, when he let himself drift off into depression when all seemed lost...
But Merlin was there with him. He was always there when he needed him the most...
"And for all that you've done," Arthur muttered as his eyes fell to the floor. "I've been incapable of reciprocating in turn." Once again, the same oppressing silence. Arthur felt his heart pounding in his ears, feeling more and more nervous and discouraged as he has yet to hear any sound from his brother. He would've thought that he would at least be hearing his biting sarcasm, or perhaps some form of anger. But all he got was silence...
Oppressive, cold and blaming silence.
Arthur shook his head slightly and raised his eyes to stare at the orbs of ice that replaced the warm pools of oceanic liquid of Merlin's blue eyes."Our truest friends are the ones who will stand by us in our darkest moments-because they're willing to brave the shadows with us-and in our greatest moments-because they're not afraid to let us shine..."
"You've been right beside me, keeping to the shadows until I needed you the most..." He stated morosely. "I've been selfish, old friend, for not to realizing what was happening. That I was unconsciously leaving you behind in the dark while I drew strength from your own when I needed it…"
"And now, when I trusted someone in spite of your warnings…" He let his hand close into fists to control the anger he felt towards the young boy he had trusted and towards himself for falling into his lies. "When I let myself delude my mind into blindly trusting that boy; into thinking that even after I've trusted those who betrayed me, I had the ability to tell them apart." At this, Arthur immediately took a few steps closer to his brother, eyes pleading and begging for understanding.
"So when you pushed the issue that day, I could not conceive the fact that once again, I might've been wrong. My heart couldn't take it if my people ended up hurt because of my inability to notice the traitors amongst my own court." He felt his fist shaking harshly as a few droplets of red slipped from his fingers. His eyes followed the drops to the floor as the animosity he had gained had all but banished. "That's why I snapped. Why I let my anger blind me and let it take control."
The young king slowly opened his fists and got them closer to his face, inspecting the small damage he had done. Small crescent moons of crimson adorned his palms as little droplets fell to the floor. "As soon as my fist connected with your face…." As he said this, he didn't care that his voice broke. The cold vice in his heart became more and more pronounced. "Something inside of me broke. I felt so cold, so alone; it was as if something inside of me snapped. Something that I didn't realize existed inside of me and that it was so important!" Silence fell again and only the sound of his ragged breathing could be heard inside the room. But when the young king braved another look at his brother's eyes, he was surprised and a bit hopeful to see the cold ice beginning to thaw.
"It was our bond." He declared simply and without hesitation. A hand reaching his chest where he felt the emptiness inside of him the strongest."The fragile tread that bonded us together and because of me…" His eyes narrowed in loathing as his hand closed into a fist again, garbing a good portion of the fabric of his tunic. "Because of me, it shattered."
Arthur let his eyes show the pain and anguish he had gone through for all those months. The loneliness he felt when he was gone. It didn't matter that he had the knights and his queen talk to him and give him their support. It didn't matter that he was constantly surrounded by members of the court or his subjects. The fact was that without Merlin,
He felt completely alone...
"You were a friend that really cared for me and always hung in there for me, and yet I treated you like nothing…" He continued, his voice wavering once again. "I should've learned to be a good friend because now, I'm looking up and see that I lost my greatest one." Swallowing loudly, Arthur let his heart try to calm itself since he knew he wouldn't be able to continue like he was.
"I should've learned how to be respectful to you, not just start arguments with you and never tell you the reasons. I should've realized that you have always had the best intentions for me on your mind." Arthur let himself a melancholic smile as he looked upon the frame of his brother and let his pride and love for him show. "You've always taken such good care of me, kept an eye out for my enemies outside and inside of Camelot…" No matter what, Arthur had always had his brother to protect him from the things he was not privy of. He could trust him to be vigilant and wise in all his decisions. Arthur knew his brother was smarter than he appeared and whatever the dangers he knew Merlin was capable of finding a solution for them.
Taking a deep breath, he continued his monologue knowing that there was still so much to talk about. "Blood not always means that people will support you. It doesn't mean that they will never betray you. Or that they would never use you." At this, blue eyes shone with devotion and gratefulness towards his brother's cold azure eyes.
"But one can always find those worthy of loyalty and trust." He continued. "And I have to say that destiny did me a favor for putting you in my life. For without you, I would've never seen the worth of others…"
He remembered how he was before he met Merlin. The brash impulsive and thoughtless boy who didn't care how he treated others. Thinking himself superior to all, truly believing that he was invincible. But all that changed when Merlin came into his life. His attitude towards all he met, treating them equally until the showed true worth of loyalty. And not even then would he treat them differently! He would joke and laugh; to those who he felt closest to he would make up words that others heard as insults but to them, they were names of endearment.
"I've placed my trust in my Knights of the Round Table. I've seen their courage and determination and there is not one amongst them that I would refuse to give my life for." The king stated strongly as his feelings showed the love and fondness he had towards his knights… No, his family. And it was all thanks to his brother that he was able to see them. "And through you, I found my queen. The earth-bound nymph through whom I gain perspective and inside of myself and my soul."
"But after all these years, I've left you behind." He uttered, his eyes moist and almost to the point of tears. "You, who are my greatest friend. You, who after all these years together, have become a brother…" His heart almost seemed to stop when he saw Merlin's eyes widened exponentially at his words.
Brother. They were brothers. Whatever happened between them, the two would always remain attached to one another by that bond that was form during all their years together. He saw Merlin react and punch through the wall of ice as those words echoed along the meeting hall. Arthur could see his breathing quickened and his hands tremble ever so slightly, not at all of what he had come to expect from the stoic coldness from neither his hurt brother nor those of times past. Arthur has never seen him show such turbulent emotions, the fact that he seemed unable to control them added to his worry. But it also gave him hope; hope that he could still salvage their friendship.
Without thinking, Arthur took a few quick steps to reach his brother. He let his hands hover over Merlin's forearms and shoulders, wanting desperately to touch him, to embrace him, but knowing that any thought could very well send him running. "I beg of you..." Arthur breathed; his heart once again was ready to burst from his chest. "Merlin, my brother, please forgive me. If you can't believe what I've said then know that what I've done to you has left me hollow inside. I should've listened to you in the first place and then all of this wouldn't be happening!" Ever so slowly, he let his callous hand drift upward as his eyes zeroed at the scar that was just below his brother's left eye.
"I've left your scared…" Arthur uttered breathless as his thumb circled the car with a feathered touch, but still his brother flinched violently to it, his eyes never leaving his. "The mark of my foolishness, of my anger…. I've scorched my precious moon…" His heart almost broke when he saw a crystalline tear slide slowly down Merlin's cheek. Azure eyes wide in shock, but Arthur could clearly see the pain, the agony and despair that his brother had suffer because of him.
"Please, brother, my moon, my oldest friend…" Arthur didn't care for the tears that fell to the floor. If there was one man worthy of his tears, it was his brother. "Forgive me. Forgive this blemished sun, this foolish king, this asinine brother the actions which drove you away from your home."
For a few precious seconds, Arthur thought that he had gotten through his brother. But while he continue to see into his eyes, he felt Merlin's hand grasping my own and grasped it with both of his. His eyes that showed such pain and sorrow were slowly shutting themselves down, back into the same pit of darkness and blank stoic cold that sent him reeling. The cold dagger inside of him became more and more painful as he could only see how his brother got further and further away from him. Merlin's eyes drifted downward as he looked at my hand. The same hand with which he struck him…
"Among those who share a throne there can be no friendship, no bonds, and no connection to their people; for a king is to be without fault, a deity to all and ruler of fate." Arthur's entire body seemed to take his words as a blow to his stomach. Wide eyes stared at his brother as his legs took an involuntary step back. His mouth tried to work, to somehow denounce his statement but his muscles betrayed him at that moment. Merlin raised his eyes from the floor as his eyes showed ancient wisdom, gentle but unforgiving.
"You think yourself guilty when the guilt lies not completely with you." Merlin declared solemnly as he turned around, letting his body gracefully fall to the chair behind him. "For you, my king, are only half of one coin…"
"What are you saying?" Arthur's eyes narrowed in confusion. "It was me that was the imbecile! I struck against you; I'm the one who broke our bond!"
"That bond was only half of what it was meant to be." Hearing this, Arthur shook his head in denial.
"Impossible." He stated as his eyes stared at his chest, hands gravitating exactly where he imagined the cold dagger inside of him. "I still feel the empty chasm that was left when I broke it. Nothing could've been stronger or more painful."
"And yet, my lord, you are wrong…"
"Damn it! Stop this!" He shouted in anger, his teeth clenched painfully as his eyes once more let another drop fall. However, his anger was met with the same look of nonchalant dismissal; as if the anger and pain he was feeling was that of a mere child, fickle and fleeting. As if it would go away on its own…
"A bond is only fully created when both parties shared everything with the other." He heard his brother's monotone statement and he could swear that he sounded sad, almost… resigned. "When they give all their secrets and only then can a true bond be achieved…" His head lowered then, eyes looking at the table as Arthur could see the heavy eyelids hazily watching something that only his brother could see.
"And our bond was made weak because of my cowardice…"
"What are you talking about Merlin?" "You, you're the bravest of us all…" At this, He couldn't understand why Merlin flinched at his words. They were the truth, plain and simple. Out of all of them, he was the one who faced dragons and warlords without a scrap of either armor or sword to aid him. Merlin simply raised his head to stare at the wall in front of him, eyes screaming with pain but held together by the cold chains of his desolation.
"I appreciate your faith in me sire, but I'm afraid that it was because of me that you never learned to fully trust me. And I know that once you know who I really am, you will never see me as you do now." Arthur simply stared at his brother, shaking his head in response. All those months without his constant soothing presence was complete hell for him, if he really had a secret, Arthur knew he wouldn't care what it was. His brother's place was at his side. No secret could change his mind.
"No. I don't believe that." He stated as he stepped closer to the raven haired man. "You are the best of us all. Even after what I did to you, you've created this entire fortress for the time when you knew we would need it!"
"I built Dynas Emrys because I knew one day you would need a stronghold to reclaim your kingdom." Merlin stated with the same look of indifference. "As your servant it was the best I could do to serve you, my lord." Arthur felt a slight tingle in the back of his mind. Why did the name Emrys sound so familiar to him? Had he heard it before? His eyes narrowed slightly at the warm feeling in his chest. Why was it so important? Why did it bring him warmth?
"But I wish you would stop these lies…" His head snapped forward when he heard this. Merlin's eyes where now upon him and all he could see was frost. Incredible and unforgiving frost; frozen tundras shifting mercilessly in the dark pools of his eyes. Biting darkness that seemed to encompass his whole frame, harsh and frightening at the same time. "You do not know the true extent of the pain I've endured these months… The realization that it was my fault for not trusting all of you to my most guarded secret…"
"My only lie to you, my king…"
"No…" Arthur shook his head in protest. "It's not true. You would never do anything to betray me. To betray us. You would never do something like that to us!" But it seemed that Merlin was done listening to him, his brother simply stared blankly at the wall behind him and
"Nothing will change unless I decide it. I must face it, you must face it, I'm the only reason that nothing has changed between us..."
"Merlin, stop talking nonsense. There is no way that anything you have to say to me could ever hope to-" The more he talked, the more his brother seemed to become annoyed with him. Good. Maybe by him getting a reaction out of him Arthur could make him see that what he was saying was utter madn-
"I have magic..." Merlin's words were whispered in the room but he might as well have screamed them over the hills. The young king's eyes blew wide opened as everything came to a standstill. His heart stopped, no sound could be heard, no air could be taken.
Just as soon as it started, he could feel his pulse quicken even more than it had been before, his hand shifting immediately to his scabbard out of instinct; however, his trembling hand remain hovering over it unsure of what he was supposed to do.
"W-what..." He stuttered out as he took one step back in shock. This couldn't be happening. His mind didn't seem able of processing what he had just discovered.
Merlin – Merlin had magic.
His Merlin, his best friend, his brother, his moon...
A sorcerer
Wide eyes searched the man standing before him, hoping, praying, begging to see a sign that it was all just a lie. That it was an effort to push him away, to punish him for his transgression. But his heart plummeted as he saw the bitter truth in his eyes. The unforgiving frost of azure blue, unrepentant and merciless as he continued to stare down the king.
A rush of anger swept through him. Magic was dangerous; magic was evil. Magic betrayed them countless times. Betrayed him. It was poisonous. His teeth clenched together so tightly it hurt his jaw.
He felt himself a fool. How long had this sorcerer been hiding under him? How long had he donned the skin of an idiotic servant with a perchance of giving wise counsel just to fool everyone while he practiced the blackness that is magic behind their backs? He had actually believed that he could trust him.
Suddenly, all the anger was washed away by a strong pull of freezing sadness within him. This was Merlin. His brother. His moon. His mind was left reeling. Agony swiftly ravaged his mind as the pain before couldn't compare to what he was feeling now. His ears drummed along the words in his mind matching his heart.
His friend
Betrayer
His brother
Deceiver
His moon
Traitor
"I have magic, sire." Merlin continued on, his voice calm and resigned. "Had it since I can remember. Doomed and condemn by your father's laws the minute my body took breath."
...Had it since I can remember...
Impossible. No one is born with magic. They have to learn their craft, the choose to dwell into the dark arts and sell their soul for power. Those who learn magic have nothing but darkness in their heart. Tricksters of souls and merchants of lies.
"And it was ironic." The king heard the sorcerer continue. "All my life, I've had to suppress my powers. Hide them from others. I've had to control my emotions so that they never mess with my magic and hurt anyone by mistake. Sometimes at night, I used to ask the Gods if I was a monster, for what other reason could an insignificant boy from a farm village gain such power?" Arthur's eyes narrowed at this. Why would he be scared? Power was welcomed by those who were sorcerers. Wouldn't he be ecstatic? And why was the cold dagger inching even more into his heart?
"But alas, my questions went unanswered and as I grew, my power grew with me. And the more it grew, the more frightened for my life my mother became." He saw as the sorcerer became transfixed by his tale. "Eventually, my power was growing so much that mother saw no other choice but to send me to Gaius so that he might teach me to control it..." His eyes involuntarily softened at that before hardening with confusion and distrust. Why would Hunith send her son to the worst place for a sorcerer to live? And why didn't Gaius tell his father about it immediately? Harboring a sorcerer?! That is treasonous! Perhaps the sorcerer enchanted him to secrecy? His snapped out of his thoughts when he heard a bitter laughter coming from the sorcerer before him.
"And to think." He stated with a melancholic smile. "That by mother sending me to the very birthplace of the Great Purge; the very place where I would be killed on sigh if my magic was ever discovered, I would find my salvation." At this, Arthur mind came to a stop, dizzy with the many shifts in his emotions. What salvation? What is he talking about? Why couldn't the sorcerer ever be like he imagined? Arthur saw into those azure blue eyes and saw not the bleak slow burn hatred that all sorcerers bore against his kind. He saw desolation, sadness, a tortured soul - but he also saw above all else sheer determination and hopeless loyalty- blind as it may be.
"You, my king, are my salvation, my purpose for existing..." At this instance, the sorcerer bowed before him in such a way that was not the empty subservient manner he had done before. But it was filled with something; hewas missing something. But damn it, for the life of him he could not see it!
"My endless and eternal destiny..."
Arthur couldn't help but let his eyes fall close. It was too much. The parallels the sorcerer was creating was battling mercilessly against his subconscious. Years and years of teachings by his father, that sorcerers, that magic was evil! That it corrupted all those who dare use it. But what he was seeing was not a man bent on ruling the lands, nor a man driven by revenge. What he saw was just a man.
"You think me a traitor?" Merlin continued and Arthur's eyes snapped opened at the soft accusation. "I honestly can't blame you sire. After all, I've been witness as the people you trusted the most showed their true colors and their lies trampled upon your heart." Merlin's eyes drifted to the side but the young king could clearly see the fluctuating emotions of pain and suffering. And all that for him?
"But if there is one thing you should know, if there is one thing you should never doubt, is that I will never betray you." Seeing the sheer resolve in the man's eyes, Arthur could not fathom fighting his statement. It had been ten years since he met the overly idiotic naive manservant, and over the years the boy turn man had become someone indispensable in his life. He had been his counsel and guide throughout many trials, most of which – if he truly was a sorcerer bent on Camelot's destruction all he needed to do was just stand back – He remembered very well the many instances when he owed the sorcerer his life.
"I have faced some of the most horrific and abhorrent creatures of all the kingdoms in defense and service of Camelot; never caring if it would be my last day on earth." He heard Merlin stating proudly. "All for you, sire..." Arthur's face went ashen at the thought. What sort of thing could Merlin had faced on his own? And all in defense of Camelot? In defense of him?
He could only watch, transfixed as Merlin stare at his hands; his eyes shadowing with memories of battles past. "I carry across my skin the scars of battles past that I've faced in the shadows in your name. Yet I do not pay them any attention. I proudly carry the scars, knowing that all of you are safe from the darkness." A knot had formed in his throat when he tried to find a memory of any sort of scar upon Merlin's body. But to his surprise and heartache, he remembered that he had never seen the raven haired man without his shirt on. All those years, hiding the marks of a war Arthur himself have never been aware off?
"And I've lost many..." The king could hear the slight hitch in the mans voice. His face contorted in anguish at the memories of fallen comrades and loved ones. "...oh, so many have I lost to the creatures of the dark! The impurities in the hearts of mankind!"
Arthur felt himself crying out to the sorcerer. His sorcerer. A man such as Merlin didn't deserve to suffer as much as he had. He could see clearly the beating and scars Merlin's soul had taken over the course of years in his service. Why had he done all of that for them? For him?
His father had order the obliteration of his people and he himself had followed his father without question. He could clearly remember the times where he had said to Merlin without any hesitation that all magic was evil. That he would never trust something like that for the rest of his life.
How crushed and defeated had he been when once again he was forced to hide who he was from those closest to him? Now he could see clearly; Merlin wasn't evil. He wasn't bent on conquering kingdoms or crushing his enemies at his feet. The man standing before him was the same idiotic, wise, exasperating, lovable, loyal, kind, know-it-all, pain in the arse that he had met all those years before.
"My childhood friend, William; died taking an arrow in your stead and took blame for my magic, protecting my secret one last time." Hooded eyes spoke in monotone as he continued to see his hands soaked in his friend's blood. "But still, I continued to serve you."
Another pang was felt, straight in his heart as he remembered the abrasive but courageous William. Of course, he remembered that day as clear as anything. It was the first time his belief of magic was tested. When he saw the unnatural winds conjured upon the battlefield, his training had kicked in and demanded answers; his mind of course drifting through the punishment of such crime. But when he face the two boys – when he faced Merlin's frightened but resolved self – his mind reeled at the fact that one of them was a sorcerer. But then, like lighting, William saw the threat to his person and pushed him aside without hesitation, taking the arrow in his stead.
The boy took the blame for the winds and died in silence with Merlin at his side, protecting his best friend's most guarded secret for the last time.
A man worthy of honor, only to be remembered as such by only one. The rest besmirching his name because of his supposed magic. But, Arthur could amidst to himself that he owed the man a debt not only for his life, but for the life of his sorcerer. He knew that back then, he was to immature and self-centered to have seen the bigger picture and would have no doubt brought Merlin with him to hand over his father. It was right then, that he understood why in fact had Merlin kept this a secret for so long, even after his father's death. At first, it must've been the fact that he didn't wish to die by his father's hands but afterwards... he must've been scared of how we would all act if we knew... If he knew...
Merlin was not a betrayer. He was loyal. Kind. And Arthur had once felt himself worthy of calling him...
Friend...
"My father, Balinor, Last of the Dragon Lords. Dead by the hands of Cenred's men, all because your father sent for him even after he killed his dragon kin while entrapping one beneath his castle for over twenty years." The king heard him continue. "But still, I stand by your side." Another wound in his heart. Balinor had healed his wounds when he was almost at death's door, and he died on the way to save Camelot. The same place that had wronged him for so long.
And he remembered that after the battle with the great dragon, he came to Gaius's chambers and asked him about the man, and if it was in fact true that he was the last one. Gaius had given him such a strange look. As if he knew something he wished desperately to tell him but could not. Gaius then, spoke of the honor all Dragon Lord's possessed. How their loyalty and morality was without question and that their gifts could only be past from father to son.
"No man is worth your tears" He remembered saying this to Merlin before they set off to fight the dragon. He wished to impart some comfort and a way to cope with what was supposed to be their final battle together but realizing now, that the man he was crying for had been his father?
How could Merlin stand to be by his side after he told him to stop crying about his own father? And to suffer such grief without anyone noticing? A deeper, more painful stab was felt as he remembered when his own father had died, the sleepless night he went through as he stood alone with his father's body on the altar. As he was walking out of the room, the shadows in the corners seemed to shift around him, pushing and pushing him further into himself. He felt so alone at that moment, so without family or any bonds. But when he opened the doors, the darkness and loneliness seemed to disappear from existence when he saw the perched figure of the raven haired man sitting by the staircase. He was so confused as to why the man was there that the question just blurted out of him.
"I didn't want you to feel alone..." Hearing this, his eyes softened for the man before him. He shouldn't have been surprised that out of everyone who left him alone to grieve, Merlin would be the only one who knew exactly what he needed at that moment. It was then, that in his mind began to form the distinction between him and the rest.
Merlin was not a deceiver. The fact that he had hidden his secret for so long was not because he was an expert at it but because of misdirection. His eyes always showed his true intentions, no matter what was happening. And from then on, Arthur had felt himself happy of calling him...
Brother...
"Then, my beloved Freya..." At this point, few tear were shed but Arthur could hear a pain unlike any other in his voice. If the others where painful, admitting this was agony. "Felled by your sword because of something she had no control over. Cursed for the rest of her days to kill against her will by nightfall." Merlin brushed away the tears harshly as he shot the king a bitter and resigned smile.
"And yet, I still serve you..." Arthur could feel the tears on his face, his heart pounding heavily upon his chest at the implications of this new information.
Beloved. Merlin had once given his heart to someone. And he had killed her...
How? How could he stand to be at his side and serve him after this? He himself knew of the love he felt for his dear Guinevere. He knew he would wage wars and decimate whole armies just to get her back! He could never forgive someone if they dared to take her away from him. And now Merlin...
Who was he that the man before him chose to suffer so much for his sake? What had he to offer? What had he done?
The sun's startled eyes where poised and never shifting upon those of the man before him. This sun had done more damage than he had imagined by ignoring the mans needs and sorrows. He had let the cold darkness of the dark corrode his soul. But yet, he still held on. This sun was still able of setting and letting the man before him take rest from the black. He could still call upon his...
Moon...
These thoughts sent a thrill inside of him, an energy that he hadn't felt for almost four months. He felt something inside of him unraveling, opening, discarding the blindfold on his eyes. The coldness inside of him seemed to hum, as if waiting for some sort of signal to finally withdraw. Arthur's eyes found Merlin's as he subconsciously stood straighter. The young king could see something shifting inside his brother's mind; his body merging and shifting, an air of regality and wisdom was clear to the king. His brother's eyes, wizened and aged beyond time gazed upon the young king; and Arthur could only feel that something in his world was finally snapping in place.
"Arthur Pendragon, High King of Albion, wielder of the mighty Excalibur." He heard Merlin state in a dignified and wise voice. "The one responsible to untie all the kingdoms into a new land; A land of peace and equality where everyone and everything will be treated as equal." Albion? High king? What was Merlin talking about? Uniting all the kingdoms under one rule? That was impossible to achieve, not to mention that it was highly improbable that he of all people was the one to unite them all!
But...
Wasn't that what he always wanted? To have his people and loved ones safe from wars and famine? To have his kingdom prosper in a time of peace for all?
To create what his brother was suggesting, to even conceive of such notion...
How could he even begin to try and do such a feat?
The young king broke from his thoughts as he saw his brother move around the room, his eyes shrouded in knowledge and faith. "But for one of such importance, someone was needed to keep the savior of the lands safe." Merlin continued and as he turned his eyes towards him, Arthur felt himself rooted to the spot. "And thus, a child was born in the very coldest of winters on the small village of Ealdor."
"You…" Arthur whispered as his eyes widened in revelation. At that moment, blue eyes that had wizened and aged more than anyone he had ever known, leaving behind an air of gentle power; calm as the oceans but devastating as a storm. This was the true power of his brother. The power and the man that Merlin's allies saw and whom they swore their loyalty to.
"Born out of the unbalance left in the world by your father's Great Purge, the Old religion appointed me the protector of The Once and Future King. A man born warlock, the first of its kind, and who would one day inherit the title of his father, as the last of his kind." His heart pounded harder and harder. The cold dagger in his heart shifting ever so slowly, almost aching to get out. "Wilder of unimaginable power as his connection to the very essence of magic was created at his birth. Vanquisher of the high priestesses of the Old religion, wielders of the darkest arts as well as the immortal Sigan. Capable of controlling the very essence of the elements, even time itself..." Arthur could feel himself shaking in shock at his brother's proclamation, his whole body vibrating with excitement and awe. Such power, such incredible power held within a human. Such a thing would render men insane with power lust; but his brother still kept to his true self, he didn't let the power define who he was. However when Arthur tried to get closer, the next words his brother said stopped him in his step.
"Merlin Emrys"
All of a sudden, the world and time itself seemed to stop.
He understood.
The painful grasp of the cold dagger inside of him began to pull out, the freezing darkness diminishing little by little. The broken coil inside of him that was their bod began to mend, its treads twice as strong as before.
"Faithful warlock to his Once and Future King. Forever loyal, even at the face of his kind being killed in front of him. Forever faithful, even at the words of disgust towards his kin uttered by the same man he serves..."
Emrys...
Merlin...
Emrys...
"Not even your precious Emrys can save you!" Eyes widened once again at the memory of his sister years ago in the throne room. That day he had thought it strange, Morgana speaking about someone as if he had protected them. But now it all made sense.
It was Merlin. It's always been Merlin...
"Forever understanding," Merlin continued morosely as he stared at the king with such resigned eye that it almost unraveled the progress of the mending within him, but still he held on. "for he knows the pain and sorrow of his mighty king. For he knows that when the time came for his secret to come out, he would finally face the only thing that would defeat him."
"His king's hatred of him…"
At this, his whole body seemed to flinch in pain at the accusation. His hatred? How could he think he would hate him? Perhaps he would before but not when he can see clearly who Merlin really is. Merlin had never betrayed him, never failed him, never let him give up. The fact that his brother had defended the kingdom in the shadows by himself and still live? Astounding!
But to say that the only thing capable of defeating him would be his hatred?
That is unmentionable.
"So you see sire," Merlin stated simply with a sigh as he gestured to him weakly. "there really is no reason for you to ask forgiveness. Not when the fault lay with me…" Hearing this, Arthur eyes narrowed in frustration. Can't his brother see he wasn't angry at him? But before he could say anything. Merlin's body became the epitome of the perfect servant. Meek, rigid pose, completely serious and not a hint of his emotions to show to the world.
"I know that you won't want to see me again." And Arthur can't help but grind his teeth together. It would be a cold day in hell before he let that happen again. "But know that I am the one who will be leading the druid forces in battle at your command. I am done lying to everyone I care about, and I will not leave my people from this point forward."
"Destiny might have made a mistake by entrusting me your guidance." Merlin exclaimed with a saddened and defeated look on his eyes. "I see, even now, that my secret has finally sealed your heart from magic. And that is my fault. If I would've trusted you with my magic years before, maybe then we wouldn't be in this situation…" But as he said this, he saw him shake his head slightly as if to drive off the dark thoughts from his head.
"But that is my failure and my failure alone." Merlin stated strongly as he turned to face him. "My king should not lower himself to ask forgiveness. You have and always will have me under your command."
Giving the king one last bow, Merlin turned around and started walking towards the door not realizing the storm that he had unleashed on the young king's mind. With his head looking at the floor, the king let his mind free realm upon his thoughts.
Emrys…
Morgana had seemed genuinely afraid when she uttered his name. Did that mean that Merlin was stronger than Morgana? Arthur couldn't wait to ask hundreds of questions. How many times had he save Camelot? How many times had he saved them? Saved him?
Once and Future King…
It was a term that he was somewhat familiar with, having Merlin refer to him as such. He often wondered what that meant, somewhat thinking that it was just a reminder - that it was Merlin reminding him of how abrasive he was to others when they first met and also to acknowledge the type of man he would and could become.
High King of Albion…
But destined to unite the lands into one rule? His rule? Arthur could admit that his heart did flips and tumbles when Merlin first said that, but if he had his brother back, then he knew that he could do it. That they could do it.
Warlock…
Was that what Merlin was? Did people with magic had ranks and stations as soldiers of a kingdom? Then did that mean that warlock was the highest rank? The young king had to wonder how powerful his brother truly was. Had they always been equals or had Merlin earned his title? Hell, for all he knew, he could've had the king of magic itself polishing his boots all this time!
These thoughts and many more drifted and swirled around his mind, opening more and more doors and allowing his soul to repair itself from the damage he himself had inflicted upon it. A manic and enormous grin began to form on the king's lips as he came to a conclusion.
He could finally embrace both the wise and insolent ways of his goofy and crazy brother. There were no more barriers or secrets between them and it was all Arthur could do to stop himself from jumping in joy.
Even as more and more memories of Merlin's actions in the past now came to light, Arthur knew in his heart, no matter how much he may have doubted Merlin before when he confessed his secret to him, he knew that Merlin was still himself. The same kaleidoscopic man with more layer than anyone could ever hope to gain.
He was still his moon!
And just then, Arthur could briefly remember something that Gaius had said to him years before. When Gaius admitted of protecting that crazy old sorcerer – And no, he would deal with the fact that those eyes where now painfully familiar. This was his chance to amend not ask a thousand questions! -
"I chose to protect him," Gaius whispered his explanation. "I feared you would seek him out and execute him. That would've been a grave mistake. The sorcerer did not kill your father. Uther was dying. He tried everything in his power to save him."
The young king had been confused and somewhat ashamed of his behavior when he remembered the devastated look on the old man's face. That wasn't the face of a man who had achieved his vengeance but the face of a man who lost his last hope. But nothing had confused him more than Gaius's next words.
"Contained within this great kingdom is a rich variety of people, with a range of different beliefs. I am not the only one seeking to protect you. There are many more who believe in the world you are trying to create. One day you will learn, Arthur. One day you will understand... just how much they've done for you."
Now, he realized, was that time. He had finally opened his eyes and seen the best of them all, his protector and destined brother. He saw his magic for what it really was, a tool used to defend and protect the innocents. Now that he had finally discovered this, Arthur raised his head, eyes smiling in contentment as he was about to embrace his brother and tell him that everything was ok. But instead of the familiar raven hair, he found an empty space and his ears cached the subtle fall of footsteps walking away.
"Wait a minute!" Arthur shouted as he sprinted forward to grasp Merlin's shoulder with his hand. Turning him around, desperate eyes sought out Merlin's stunned and confused ones. "You do not just walk out of this room after what you just said to me!" Merlin's eyes narrowed in deeper confusion as his head leaned slightly forward.
"I don't understand, there is nothing else for us to talk about."
"The hell there isn't!" The young king screamed as his hand shook the slight frame in the hopes of shaking some sense into the man. "Do you honestly think that I would just throw you out into the cold? Cast you out after all you've done for me?!" Confusion left way to the same closed of expression as Merlin shook his hand off while taking a few steps to the side, his hand seeking the door handle for a quick exit.
"You are my king, of course I did all th-"
"You cabbage-head!" Arthur roared in disbelieve at what he was hearing. He knew his brother was stubborn but this was beyond ridiculous! "You utter clotpole! Snap out of it!"
Seeing no reaction from Merlin, Arthur's hand found its way towards his golden hair and began to shift through it sporadically. "You have never behaved as a servant! Never had too!" He exclaimed as he shot Merlin an incredulous look. "You became something that I desperately needed. My first true friend! Do you think I would betray that?" He briefly saw Merlin's eyes shift at that but it was quickly erased. Damn him! Once this is all over he was going to have a serious talk about his stubborn stubbornness!
"I've felt such emptiness, such vast darkness and cold when our bond was severed!" Arthur took a step closer to his warlock as his hand pounded his chest where the dagger was before. "The very fates scream out at this distance we've put ourselves through. It's unnatural! You are not supposed to stay in the shadows!"
"Of course I am!" Merlin shouted at him. Finally, he was getting some reaction out of him! "I've always belonged in the shadows."
"No. Not anymore you're not!" Arthur growled as he continued to glare at the warlock. "I will not lose you again! Nor will I let yourself lose your identity to the anonymity of the shadows!"
"You are not losing anything!" Merlin answered in a clipped tone, his eyes narrowing slightly. "I will still serve you! Nothing will change!"
"You are not my servant Merlin! You are my friend!" Could he seriously be so stubborn as to not hear what he was saying? He didn't hate him for his magic damn it! "The fact that you have magic doesn't change a thing!"
"I lied to you about my magic, of cour-"
At this, Arthur lost it. He quickly covered the space between them and grasped both shoulders firmly. "I lost my sister to my father's hatred!" He let himself scream, anguish clear in his voice. "I refuse to lose my brother the same way..." With this, the two fell into a decisive silence, the air charged with energy as if the future depended on what happened that night. And now knowing what he did, Arthur was certain that that was the fact. However, when Merlin raise his hands and pulled his own away from his shoulders forcefully, he felt the dagger shift slightly inwards.
"Stop this." Merlin shouted as he shot his king a look full of anger and despair. Azure eyes beginning to brim with tears searched the walls surrounding them, as if trying desperately to avoid looking into the kings eyes. "Stop lying! I was never your brother to begin with! How could you expect me to believe you after what you did to me? After what I've just told you?"
"Because I know you!" Arthur was quick to answer as he tried to close the gap Merlin had put between them. "Just as much as you know me!" His brother's eyes shifted for a moment as something of the raging storm within him was beginning to brew.
"Liar!"
"I may have not known of your magic before but that is irrelevant!" With this declaration, the two fell into silence once again, the two opposing forces not wanting to give in. However, at that moment, Arthur's eyes softened and showed his inner anguish and love he had towards his brother.
"I know you Merlin." The king whispered softly, his eyes never leaving the other. "You, Servant of King Arthur Pendragon. Dutiful adviser to his king. Kindest soul to ever grace all of Camelot. Loyal friend to anyone who wishes him to be. Crazy, rambunctious and an overall idiot that can't stand on his own two feet without falling over. Wise, cheerful-" As Arthur continued, he could see that Merlin's anger began to deflate and left the true core of Merlin's soul bare for all to see. And Arthur saw someone who had suffer silently for almost ten years of the pain of secrecy and nightmarish haunts at night.
"Stop it!"
"Merlin Emrys!" Arthur continued, wishing to show his brother what he meant to him. "Warlock to the Once and Future King. Secret protector of the royal family and all of Camelot. Defender of all that is right and true. With honor that runs as deep as the wisdom he possesses within those infinitely swirling orbs of blue..." With each word, Arthur took one step. As he did this, he could only watch as Merlin's hand were grasping his raven locks and his ears in a vain effort to stop hearing him, but Arthur would not allow that.
"Stop..." Merlin whimpered as his frame hunched over itself, trying desperately to shelter himself. "Please..." Arthur simply swallowed his tears as he finally arrived at Merlin's side. Rough hands gently clasped those of his brother and pulled them away from his ears. He needed to listen…
"Merlin," Arthur whispered gently as tears fell from his eyes. "brother of Arthur. Sworn protector of his friends and family. Father of two beautiful kids who will grow up to be amongst legends..." He could feel Merlin's whole frame shaking, trying and hoping to contain the laments inside of him wanting to cry out his pain. Arthur could only hope that he would be enough to bring forward that cry, Merlin had gone the wrong way and made himself suffer even more by masking his pain from other and in the process, from himself.
"For almost a decade, we've stood side by side. We've faced countless battles, monsters, creatures of old and new, wizards and witches who stood against everything we cared about." The king continued. "You, stood by me. Undeterred and unflinching by my harsh and pratish behavior and taught me what really mattered."
"That's not true…" Arthur saw Merlin's head shake in denial, his face still facing to the floor. "I failed you!"
"We shared a bond." They were so close now, close enough that Arthur could almost feel the connection he had felt before but never knew of. "One that was forged of our friendship and brotherhood. A bond so precious, so very precious and vital that when I snapped it, it created such an empty chasm that if we don't repair it, I am completely sure that Albion will never be born." At this, the king placed his hand below his brother's chin and slowly lifted his face upward and what he saw left him breathless. This was what Merlin had meant when he said he didn't know of the suffering he had faced. He owed so much to this man… And he would make sure that he could have the chance to repay his kindness.
"So please, brother" He let himself finish as he let his hands let go of him. "I beg of you to find it in your heart to forgive me..." At this, the next few seconds felt like minutes, like hours, days unending as the coil within him waited for his brother's response. Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, Merlin's eyes seemed to gain some grasp on his emotions and he stared right at him when he addressed him.
"...You hit me."
"I did." Arthur would not deny this. He knew what he had done. There was no excuse.
"You hit me."
"I know." He replied nodding his head as he observed the man before him. What little control he had gained, was starting to disperse.
"You hit me!" A small fist slammed on his chest, earning a small grunt of pain, but Arthur never moved from his spot.
"I'm sorry." Two more followed and Arthur would've let any hits come his way but at the fourth hit, Merlin's hand spread upon his chest, his eyes closed as tears finally began to flow.
"Y-you hit m-e!"
"I did."
"Y-you...!" And even though he knew this was coming, something in him cracked when he saw Merlin let himself go completely. He let out a choked sob that he quickly tried to stifle in his hand. Before he could even think it, his hand embraced the shaking frame of his best friend, hoping he would be accepted to provide comfort and his heart cried out with joy when Merlin didn't hesitate to fall into his arms. Arthur buried his face on top of the rave locks, his eyes closing as he felt the racking sobs his brother was crying out. Slowly, one hand began to rub circles on Merlin's back, trying to ease his grief however he could.
"I know..." Arthur spoke softly and soothingly as his hand continued to rub his back. "I know my brother. I am truly sorry."
The two stayed like that for a long time, but Arthur didn't care to find out. His brother was finally healing, and he himself was finally on the path of absolution. The icy dagger was no more, and the coil that united them together was finally beginning to properly mend; Arthur could feel as the treads where carefully being woven back together. He had done it, he had gotten through his best friend and at long last he could finally set over the horizon. His moon will finally have his shining moment as their universe was at long last in harmony.
Two side of the same coin…
How funny it was of their destiny to call them that. It was an unspoken rule of the universe. Arthur and Merlin. Complete opposites but never without the other. A hilt-less blade and its hilt. The sun and the moon. But when he had let his brother down, everything started to fall apart.
No more.
At that moment, Arthur swore an oath to all the Gods of the world. He would always keep this day at the back of his head, to serve as a reminder of what was and what he could've lost in the end. Embracing his brother tightly, Arthur's eyes opened slightly to the darkness of the room.
"I will never let you fall"
0000
Me: *blinks away the tears* I... I can't believe I wrote this... I mean, I was ACTUALLY tearing up while I wrote this! *Fans face to dry tears* I'm ok, I'm OK...
Me: *clears voice* Ok, now to just clear up some points in the chapter. I know I called Merlin the first of his kind and we've seen that Mordred and Morgana seemed to be born with magic also but in my mind, it goes like this:
Mordred was born amongst druids and live in oppression and hatred. Not to mention the father figure he had, he was probably trained at a very young age, thus, not born with magic! (*mutters* although very bloody close)
Morgana started having her visions when she was a child. Thus, not born with magic! (Just a high talent for it)
So by this, Merlin is the only actual born warlock with magic at birth and time manipulation and such!
Me: But good GODS this chapter was extremely painful to write! Like literary... I had to force myself to write it... ME! I mean, I love to write the chapters but there was something about this that was completely and utter bonkers!
…
I... I think I broke a rib trying to type this...
Me: *sniffs into a hanky* Anyway! Enough sap! It's time to get the quirky Merlin back!
Me: *dark cloud over my head* *huddles in corner* And... if there is anyone in NY who managed to get an extra ticket to the preview showing of "Asylum of the Daleks" for the new season of Doctor Who... You know... I'm available... *mutters into hands* Gorram slow site... lousy amount of tickets... *dark cloud starts to rain*