Author's Note: Well on this really depressing note I just want to say thanks for reading this far and I want to let you know that it gets happier from here... and then there's another bit of depressing... and then it gets better... but where I'm currently at it's just a bunch of depressing. You're on a rollercoaster ride, by the way. Be prepared for that.

But thank you all so incredibly much for your views, your favorites, follows, and reviews. I don't ask for that, and the fact that you've given this the time of day means a ton.

Also: Don't hate me; last chapter was necessary... for reasons.

This one doesn't really have a trigger warning. It's just really sad, to me at least. I don't advise listening to depressing music whilst reading this. But if you do... kudos.

Chapter Nine- In Love and Death Part III: May Angels Lead You In

The title is once again from "Hear You Me" By Jimmy Eat World... and if you haven't listened to that song yet then do it now. Like... now.

The next day Kenny was absent from class. Butters couldn't keep from worrying and it didn't help that everyone was asking him what happened. He figured the news reported it well enough for people to understand; although half the time he, himself, had a hard time believing the news.

Everyone was quiet at their table at lunch; carrying on a conversation seemed to be a chore and the tension was thick. All Butters could think about was what he could do for Kenny and how he could help. He planned to stop over at his house after school; Kenny had been sick and it had been hard enough leaving him in his brother and father's care. He didn't want to think about it; he just wanted to know Kenny was okay.

Right now Butters just wished Kenny had a cell phone.

"My sister just texted me," Stan mumbled, "she's sick today... and I guess Kevin went over for awhile." Kyle looked at him oddly and tilted his head.

"Kevin and Shelly are friends?" Stan shrugged and nodded once as he quickly texted his sister back.

"Yeah, I didn't know she had friends."

"And Kevin?" Kyle quipped, earning a barking laugh from Stan. Butters grimaced and played with the food on his tray. He wasn't hungry, and hearing about Kevin made him worry about Kenny even more; which he didn't know was possible.

"Can you ask her h-how Kenny is?" Stan smiled softly at Butters as he quietly asked his simple request. Cartman scoffed and grabbed the fries off of Butters' tray; he didn't mind, looking at food made him feel queasy.

"Worried about your boyfriend?" Cartman grumbled. Butters just stared at his tray and flinched as Kyle punched the chubby boy. Stan sighed heavily as the two began to bicker, and followed Butters' eyes; they settled on the empty space across from him.

"Cartman, lay off," Stan murmured as he smiled softly at Butters, who gnashed his knuckles together. "Butters, Shelly said he's at my house too." The bright blonde perked up and Kyle bit back a sad smile as he saw the boy's alertness. "And Kevin said he's a little drunk and a little high. But considering that's Kevin saying that..." Butters sighed heavily and swirled the pasta he hadn't touched around the tray. So that's how Kenny would deal with things, he figured; by not dealing.

"Go fucking figure, he's a poor piece of shit," Cartman said, then stole Butters' milk; once again, he didn't mind. Kyle slugged him again, and the brunette whined as he rubbed his arm.

"Well what would you do if your mom died?" Stan barked, then winced at his own words. Cartman shrugged and dropped his fork. Butters felt tears well in his eyes once more and felt a hand take his. He looked up a little and saw Kyle with his head bowed.

"Why her? Why not Stuart? No offense..." Kyle mumbled, "but seriously?" Stan shrugged and looked at the door with sad eyes.

"Because it's a shit hand," Stan replied, "and someone's gonna say everything happens for a reason but that doesn't. God I don't even wanna imagine..." Butters bit his lip as tears fell from his eyes. He quickly wiped them away and asked that if Kenny's mom could hear him, to watch over her son. Because he had a feeling there was no way anyone could help.

After school Stan told him that Kevin and Kenny had gone back to their house. He was then squeezed in a bone crushing hug by Stan, and tried to stop his shoulders from shaking.

"He needs you," Stan whispered quietly; Butters closed his eyes, "more than anyone else right now. Just text me and Kyle, okay?" The blonde nodded and smiled weakly as he swung his bag over his shoulder and waved timidly.

He had stopped taking the bus awhile ago. None of his friends did anymore and the walk wasn't too bad. But with his mind focused on getting to Kenny's he didn't pay attention to the usual things. He didn't watch the squirrels, or wave to the shop owners, or stop for a coffee. His eyes stung and he kept his gaze low as he hurried down the sidewalk, until the asphalt turned to gravel and he passed over the train tracks.

He saw the truck running in the grass in their poor excuse of a front lawn. Exhaust poured from the pipe and he lowered his eyes as he saw Stuart slam the door shut. He pretended to walk aimlessly, extra slow as he waited for Stuart to drive off, and sighed with relief when the truck barreled out of the driveway.

Butters ran to the door and knocked timidly. He crossed his arms as he heard the old television mute and was greeted by Kevin, who had glazed, bloodshot eyes.

"Butters, right?" The brunette asked, voice detached, quieter than his usual gruff tone. The bright blonde nodded and was pulled inside by the giant of a human, who towered over him in height and size. He was pure muscle, which scared Butters to no end. "Uh, Kenny's sick but... he's in his room. I ain't got a peep outta him all day so you can try."

"H-h-how are you?" Butters asked and flinched out of instinct. Kevin just looked at him and shook his head before he closed the door and walked to his room. Butters heard glass break after a moment's pause and he jumped in fear.

The air in the house was suffocating and felt as if he were breathing in shards of glass that nicked his lungs. For the first time Butters realized what life for Kenny was truly like. He hadn't ever seen it on a "normal" basis, which Kenny had been happy about, but now... now he understood. Without Karen and Carol all that was left in the house was ruins. Failure. Aggression. Hate.

It hurt so much Butters' shoulders shook with violent sobs as he made his silent way to Kenny's room. The air was so tense and all he wanted to was hold Kenny and let him know he loved him.

After he knocked there was no response. He knocked again and murmured a quiet, "it's Butters." Silence was the only answer he received, so he chose to open the door. The bright blonde peered in and saw Kenny sitting on his bed with a blank expression as he stared at the wall. He was flushed from fever and his eyes were slightly hazy, either from sickness or from being drunk, and his knobby knees were pulled against his chest. The hood on his parka was shut tight, so all Butters could see were his eyes, part of his cheeks, and bits of straw blonde hair.

"Kenny..." Butters murmured and walked to the side of the mattress. Kenny didn't move, or even turn his head to face Butters. He just stared, unblinking, completely still, except the tremors from a constant chill.

Butters sat on the bed next to the blonde, and nudged his knee. He remained still, except he tightened his arms around himself.

"Ken, I'm here... just... talk to me, please?" He asked quietly, then wrapped his hand around Kenny's wrist. The darker blonde slowly turned his head and caught Butters' eyes.

The look in his eyes nearly made Butters' heart stop; they were dead. He swore he was drowning, and he found it hard to breathe as he gazed at Kenny, waiting for any response whatsoever.

"I know you're blaming yourself but you weren't there. It wasn't your fault, okay? I know you don't want to hear that now but your mom wouldn't want you to blame yourself." Butters put his hand to his forehead and felt the heat pour from him. "You're burning up... please just talk to me?"

"I don't want to talk..." Kenny whispered finally; he closed his eyes and rested his head against the wall. Butters, unsure of what else to do, put his arm around Kenny's back and scooted closer to the boy. Kenny slowly rested his head on his shoulder and Butters grimaced as he felt head radiate from him.

"Well... what do you wanna do then?" The question almost seemed like a cruel joke to Butters yet he was willing to do anything for his best friend; anything for the person he had grown to love in secret. Kenny laughed hollowly at that, and shook his head.

"Die."

That was a slap in the face. The bright blonde closed his eyes and breathed a shaky sigh as he tried to find the words. He knew the deeper meaning to the word because apparently Kenny did die. Only he was resurrected every time. But what he meant wasn't "to die"; what he wanted was to "stay dead". And that hurt more than anything Butters ever felt.

"I... I want my mom," ended up saying, to break the silence. It was enough to break Butters' heart and tears fell from his eyes. Kenny scratched at his hands blindly and didn't flinch when Butters rested their heads together.

They sat in silence and stared at the wall. Nothing could be said or done to change what had happened and Butters knew enough about Kenny to know what was running through his mind. It wasn't fair, Butters felt, that the parent who cared and loved her children unconditionally had to die. It wouldn't be fair if his dad died either, but he knew Carol was trying to change their lives.

Well, no matter what she had changed their lives, just not in a way any of them had planned or expected.

He figured Kenny was feeling completely alone. At home, his interactions were mostly with his mom or his sister, and both of them were gone from his life. Karen was in a coma at least, but there were no chances she'd be waking up any time soon. Kevin was there and seemed to care but showed it in the worst ways. And Stuart... Stuart caused them more pain than good. Butters knew there were times when he could be like a father; he remembered how excited Kenny was when he talked about when they went fishing after Stuart stopped getting high for awhile. When he was sober he was a good person, but Butters didn't remember the last time he had a clear head. And if Kenny blamed himself there was no telling how Stuart felt about his middle child.

"I know..." Butters trailed off, unsure of what else to say. Kenny took Butters arm and put it over his shoulder, which caused the bright blonde to tremble as he suppressed his sobs. He felt Kenny hug him tight, and responded in the same manner; he'd never let him go, if that's what Kenny wanted.

Feelings be damned, his best friend was hurting and he needed him. There were no words that would make him feel better, but comfort could at least help. He just wanted to let him know he wasn't alone, no matter how he thought he was. "Kenny?"

"Hmm?" Was the dull response he received. Butters squeezed his hand tight and pulled him in tighter.

"I just want you to know I love you. You're the best friend anyone could ever have and I love you." He felt Kenny rub his back and burrow his head in his shoulder.

"I love you too," Kenny whispered into his shoulder before he let out a hitched gasp. Butters rubbed his back and sniffled as tears fell from his eyes.

"We missed you at school today but you didn't miss much. What... what all did you do today?" Kenny pulled away from Butters and sat cross-legged on the bed.

"Got a little buzzed, a little high... tried to wake up but I guess I'm not dreaming after all. And we're figuring out arrangements so..."

"Oh..."

"Kenny?" A knock was heard on the open door and Kevin poked his head in the room. Butters turned to the door; the brunette's cheeks heated and he quickly looked at the floor as he saw the two boys on the bed. He could tell he was on his way to a high; his movements were slower as well as his voice. "Everythin' okay?" He asked quietly, then shuffled his feet awkwardly. Butters nodded and briefly caught the oldest McCormick son's eyes. He broke contact when he felt the same sinking ache from his eyes when they locked.

"Yeah," Kenny just looked at his brother yet didn't say a word. Kevin nodded to Butters, then to Kenny, and pulled out a cigarette. The bright blonde tried not to cough as he took a drag and exhaled the smoke. Kenny didn't seem to mind, however; his room already smelled like smoke.

"Kay... well I'm goin' to see a friend so... I'll be home by midnight I guess. I wouldn't worry 'bout dad tonight, he'll prolly be over at Skeeter's or somethin'. So just... just chill." Kenny gave a nod and a small wave before Kevin disappeared.

"I keep thinking Karen's gonna walk through that door. She's gonna come sit in here and talk to me about her and Ruby and Ike... and I'll help her with homework and she'll fall asleep right here. And mom will come in and... and say goodnight. But they won't... and..." Kenny trailed off as he stared at the door almost pleadingly, every ounce of him hoped and prayed his little sister and his mom would walk right through the door. But the sinking reality that he now had to face his life without two of the people who cared the most about him felt like a knife to the gut; and he knew how that felt. "And it's all my fault."

Butters shook his head and looked at Kenny, who appeared to be on the verge of tears yet wouldn't let them fall. He shivered from a cold chill and hugged himself as he stared at the dingy sheet on his broken mattress. He then let out a deep whooping cough that sounded painful, and clutched his head.

"You can't blame yourself; the roads were icy and if you hadn't found them it..." Butters trailed off; he knew not to finish that sentence. Kenny was already emotionally drained; one word taken out of context would have him in a rare rage. "It wasn't your fault," he softly finished as he bowed his head. "How're you feeling?"

Kenny's head snapped up and for a moment a flash of anger struck his face but in an instant he was left with miserable eyes and a permanent frown. But Butters hadn't meant emotionally; he knew better than to ask about that. "Sickwise, I mean."

"It's nothing, I'm sick all the time," the darker blonde replied in a soft voice as he played with the cuffs of his sleeve. "It hasn't hit me yet," he finally admitted. Butters tilted his head as if to ask Kenny to continue. "It hasn't hit me that they won't be coming home again."

"Well... Karen's just in a coma and-" Butters tried to offer but Kenny shook his head.

"Not if dad has any say about it. If it just could have been me... it should have been. My mom wouldn't be able to miss me too long, I'd be back in twelve hours. But I can't bring her back. I can't..." Kenny wiped at his eyes and dug his nails into the skin of his hands. Butters saw his flesh was raw and chapped.

"Ken, it's okay to cry..." Kenny shook his head and rubbed harshly at his eyes once more. His fists were clenched as they ran over his eyelids.

"I'm just tired, Lee..." Kenny murmured quietly, "but I can't sleep. I don't want to sleep. I just want my mom... I just want Karen... I just..." he trailed off, then laid down on his bed. Butters gazed at him with uncertainty but sat next to Kenny, who reached for his arm and held him.

"Is there anything I can do?" Butters asked; he'd help in any way that he could. Even if it meant going out and buying drugs or something; he'd do it for Kenny. He wouldn't approve, but he'd do it.

"Just..." the taller boy murmured and gently pulled Butters' arm, "just stay."

Butters knew he meant more than the obvious meaning of the two words. Of course he would stay with Kenny; he was his best friend. He wouldn't ever abandon him until Kenny didn't want him around anymore. And then he'd look back on their friendship with a smile on his face and hope for the best for them both. But he knew Kenny meant stay with him as in "don't die". And that was something he couldn't promise because everyone has to die. Even Kenny dies, apparently, and he promised Butters he wouldn't anymore. But he could stay until his time was up; and as long as Kenny wanted him around he'd stay with him.

"Well... I'll stay until I have swim practice. But you can come with me if you want and then we can go to Kyle or Stan's. I know they missed you today." Kenny laughed sadly and laid on his arms, using them as a pillow. It wasn't a real laugh, but it was some form of emotion; and Butters would take it. If he could make Kenny happy right now he'd do whatever it took.

"They were on their way from Karen's dance recital," Kenny whispered, then tensed slightly when he felt Butters' arm wrap around him. "They were gonna pick me up from work and mom lost control... if they had just gone home, if they-"

"Kenny, stop. It was the weather, it was ice on the road and snow, not you."

"But if they just went home then they would have been fine! They would be here and Karen would ask me to help her with her homework even though I'm shit at math and spelling and mom and dad would be fighting and Kevin would be high and everything would be normal. I just want it back, I want the yelling and the fighting and the broken glass. I want to hear them scream at each other that they'd rather die than say sorry and I'd rather lock me and Karen in my room and hold her and sing to her 'til she falls asleep and hope that dad won't break down my door again because I hate putting it back up and I hate hearing Karen scream... but I just... I want it. It's normal, Lee, it's my normal and why did they have to decide to get me? They never did. I don't mind the walk and it wasn't safe. If they had just come home then everything would be fucking normal and mom would be alive and Karen wouldn't be fighting for her life. I'm s'posed to protect them, I'm s'posed to make sure Karen doesn't get hurt but I'm the reason! I'm the reason she's in a fucking coma. It should be ME not her!" By the end he was shouting and shaking as he fought back tears. His voice was raw with pure emotion and his eyes were glowing, like ice against flames. He buried his head in his arms and Butters held him tightly as he tried to calm him down and make him feel better. But he knew that was impossible, and tears fell from his eyes as he rested his head on Kenny's and rubbed his back as violent sobs, like coughs, wracked his shoulders and agonizing wails were blood-curdling screams stifled in his arms.

It wasn't Kenny's fault. He hadn't been there and he had no idea that his mom and sister were going to pick him up from work. But here he was blaming himself and he wouldn't see it any other way.

Butters walked into the church three days later with his head bowed and tears in his eyes. He was instantly enveloped in a hug. He felt his shoulders shake as Stan rubbed his back and for a brief moment he forgot his parents were behind him. He heard his father clear his throat and quickly pulled away from Stan, who smiled sadly at him.

"Dude, this doesn't feel right," he murmured to Butters, who nodded and walked with him down the aisle after making the sign of the cross with holy water. They sat in the front row on the right side, the Marshes and the Stotches smiled faintly at each other and Shelly was talking to Kevin in front. He looked as if he hadn't slept for days, and Stuart still stood by the doors.

Butters felt a tap on his shoulder. Both Stan and Butters turned to find Kyle, looking at them with bloodshot eyes.

"Hey..." he murmured quietly. Stan took his hand and squeezed tightly as he patted Butters' knee. "This sucks." Stan nodded and looked to Kenny's brother, who appeared emotionally raw and completely sober, which was rare. Shelly was hugging him, and he looked as if it were the first hug he had been given in his entire life. Stan quickly looked away and saw Butters looking around with his eyes.

"Kenny's not here," Butters piped up. Kyle looked to the back of the church and grimaced when he realized Butters was, in fact, right.

But before they could talk about it the funeral director approached them.

"You are the other three pallbearers from last night, correct?" He asked pointedly, they nodded awkwardly and glanced at each other. "You may sit here as we discussed and I will motion to you when the funeral is complete. As I remember we had you two," he pointed to Kyle and Butters, "in the back, you and that fat boy in the front," he looked to Stan, who nodded, "and Kevin and Kenneth led, correct?" They all nodded and the funeral director bowed his head. "Then please watch for your cue and keep in mind the importance of this task."

"Except Kenny and Cartman aren't here..." Kyle trailed off as the director walked away.

Ten minutes later the chubby brunette boy entered the church with his mother, who gave a sultry wave to the funeral director. Cartman glared at her before he walked down the aisle and sat next to Kyle.

"This is fucking weak," he grumbled to them. Butters was surprised he didn't crack a joke. He then watched as Shelly pulled out her phone and dragged Kevin along with her as they walked up to the doors. They disappeared and Stan watched them curiously.

"Huh. She really does have friends..." he said offhandedly. Kyle chuckled and Cartman scoffed.

"A friend, and I think Kevin counts as more of a half than anything," Kyle replied. Butters inwardly winced at that comment but smiled feebly. However, Sheila Broflovski turned to her oldest son with a stern expression and Ike watched in awe as she whisper-shouted at him to be respectful and to not talk in such a way. He mumbled an apology and glared at Ike, who smiled quietly as he thumbed through one of the hymn books.

"Y'know I always thought his parents would like beat each other to death or OD or something," Cartman grunted. He received several horrified looks and he raised his arms, "what? It's true!" Kyle hit his head on the pew and Butters bit his lip to keep from saying anything.

Fifteen minutes later Kevin and Shelly walked back in and Stuart approached his son. Butters could see them talking quietly, and their father shook his head before he walked back to the front pew. He had never seen Kenny's father for more than a few moments. The effects of meth and alcohol were evident in his face and body. But now his eyes looked sad, and a little kind as he sat and stared at the altar. He looked sober.

"I can't believe it's an open casket..." Stan trailed off, "I hate open-casket funerals."

"H-have you been up there?" Butters asked as he looked at the casket. Stan shook his head and sighed heavily.

"Too afraid... I guess we're gonna have to anyway."

At that the funeral started. It felt familiar to Butters as the age-old introduction was heard. But something about this scene was something he had experienced before, or something similar, and a sense of confusion washed over him. For a moment he half expected to see Kenny in that coffin, and he didn't understand why. But it scared him and rattled him to the core.

Father Maxi spoke of the bittersweet life Carol McCormick had led. How she was a strong supporter of the community, a cheerful smile in the worst times, kind-hearted, free-spirited, and loving. She cared for her family more than anything else in the world and would do anything for them. Not a lot was said of her past or her poor decisions in life. That wasn't how she should be remembered, Butters figured. But it didn't feel completely honest; although she didn't deserve to be cast down for events in her life she couldn't exactly control.

But it was beautiful. There was so much love and although this was one of the scariest and saddest moments for him he felt as if she were still there. Still looking out for her children. He felt like her love was around the room; and he was lucky enough to have experienced that warmth for comparison.

"And now, Kevin Michael and Kenneth Daniel McCormick have a few words to say in honor of their mother," Father Maxi announced, before he stepped from the altar, made the sign of the cross and gave the seventeen year old brunette a quiet smile as he walked up to the microphone.

"It's been a... a rough couple o' days so I didn't have a lotta time to actually write anythin'. But... I know what I wanna say. My mom was a dreamer. She didn't have much and she gave up a lot for us but she always saw the better stuff in life. She was just happy. I guess she was kinda like a kid in her own way 'cause sometimes she'd be more excited about Christmas than us... but it was nice. She was the best mom I could ever ask for and... we didn't always get along. I guess the last thing I said to her was "I hate you". And... that really sticks with ya, ya know? Ya gotta watch out what you say 'cause you don't know when your last words will be the last thing ya say to someone. 'Cause I didn't hate my mom, I never did, I was just mad for somethin' stupid as always.

"But if I had one more minute... I wish I had one minute... or a second. I'd say I'm sorry. I'd want to show her I loved her, but I think she knows that. I think she's lookin' down at us and sees all of us here and I know she'd be screamin' and sayin' "don't be sad! I don't want you sad!" And she wouldn't. She'd be doin' anythin' to make us all laugh and smile because that was Carol McCormick. That was my mom. So if ya take somethin' from this today... don't be sad. Just smile and tell the ones you love you love 'em 'cause ya won't know when that'll be taken from ya. Be like my mom... I guess. I... I love you, mom." Kevin said, his voice cracked as he looked at the casket. Butters trembled on the spot and Stan put an arm around him as tears fell from his eyes. He glanced to Shelly and saw her silently crying, with her arms folded over her chest. "I love you so much and I'm sorry. I'll make you proud... I promise." He stepped down at that, and bowed his head as he quickly left the silent church, filled only with the occasional sniffle or sob. He ran passed the doors that creaked as they swung back, and Butters watched as Shelly hurried to follow against her parents' whispers.

"And... is Kenneth here?" Father Maxi asked Stuart, who sighed and shook his head.

"Nah, he's got pneumonia or somethin'. Could barely get outta bed this mornin' an'-"

"No..."

Everyone slowly turned and saw Kenny sitting in the back row, looking pale and ragged as he watched everyone cry and listened to everything that had been said. Butters could easily believe he had pneumonia; he trembled as he stood and he looked miserable at best, physically and emotionally, as he took a step forward.

"I'm here, Father," he whispered, then closed his eyes as everyone clapped quietly for him. He shook his head as he walked up the steps, not making the stations of the cross as he stood in front of the microphone. But Father Maxi stepped in front of him, and put an arm around Kenny's shoulder.

"Now I just want to take a moment to applaud this young man. If he hadn't found his mother and sister when he did, we wouldn't be saying goodbye to just Caroline Michelle McCormick, but her youngest child, her only daughter, Karen Annabelle, would be with her as well. So, Kenneth, thank you for your bravery and your selflessness."

Kenny looked ready to attack but said nothing as he bit his cheek. Butters looked at him miserably as he hid his face while everyone clapped. His father watched him with cold, almost dead, eyes, and that was when Butters realized Stuart blamed Kenny. For everything.

Father Maxi stood behind him and Kenny took a deep breath before he looked to the doors. His eyes scanned the room tiredly, but finally fixed on Butters, who shrank slightly. But he saw Kenny's disposition soften slightly, so he kept their gaze locked.

"I..." he trailed off, his voice wavered and he scratched at his hands as he stood before his community, his friends, and their families. To face what he didn't have, and never had. He could almost taste their pity; the poor family lost their main income source, how sad. But his mom was more than that. His mom... he shook his head; they didn't need to know how good of a person she was. They wouldn't listen, anyway.

"Everything I want to say will fall on deaf ears and the only one who needs to hear it can't. But all I want to say right now is I'm sorry. Because I could have saved her. I'm the reason she went out that night. I'm the reason she died.

"No one would give a second thought to my mom and all that she's done for our life, because your wealth is measured in monetary value. My best friend told me I was the richest person in South Park because my family loves each other, unconditionally. And I agree with him. What we don't have in clothes and shelter and food we have in each others' company. We have trust and loyalty, but most of all love. Or... or we did. And that was 'cause of my mom... and my sister. But if it weren't for me we wouldn't be here today, so I'm sorry. I'm not asking for forgiveness, I don't want it. I'm just saying sorry."

At that he stepped away and coughed violently in his arm as he walked down the altar. He looked unsteady as he walked towards Butters. The bright blonde felt that with one more step he'd see Kenny collapse either from illness or from breaking down; but the determination to make it was strong on his face. Yet he could tell, deep in his eyes, he was falling apart; he needed someone to hold the pieces until he could bring himself together again. And everyone seemed too afraid to move.

So as he took a stumbling step passed, Butters stood and, without thinking, held him tightly in a hug. Kenny froze and Butters felt his face heat as all eyes settled on him; his parents, Kenny's father, Kenny's family... their neighbors and friends... everyone. But at that point everything and everyone faded away in the silent church; everyone except Kenny, who clutched him tight and shook in his arms and seemed too afraid to let go.

Kenny had been there to hold him together more times than he could count. That's how Kenny was. So right now... right now he could try to be that support for him. Because he knew Kenny felt completely alone and completely in the wrong.

And he was sick. Butters could feel the fever pouring from his skin and the clamminess of his face as he brushed his hair back and pressed their foreheads together; that was their thing. A best friend thing. Kenny called it "mind-melding" and that was when Butters found out he liked "Star Trek" but was sworn to secrecy. But it was their thing, nonetheless, and it was what Kenny needed.

"Come on..." Butters whispered, "we'll go talk... or do nothin', okay? You're not okay, Ken, you're not..."

"I'm fine..." he trailed off as his eyes welled with tears, "why can't I be in there instead?" Butters gave a look to Stan, who peered at Kenny worriedly but said nothing. He put an arm around him and walked slowly up the church, to the doors. They creaked shut behind them, and as soon as they did, Kenny covered his mouth as he let out a sob of agony. "It's not fair, it's not fucking fair..." he cried as he burrowed his head in Butters' shoulder, "just let me die instead, let me be the one... not my mom. Not Karen... WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?!" He shouted so loud Butters thought the church would crumble, and shook violently in Butters' arms as he looked up at the ceiling, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! It's not my fault, just- just stop!"

"Kenny..." Butters murmured as his own body trembled from sobs, "Kenny, there's nothing you can do. I'm sorry, I am. But you can't..." he trailed off, his heart breaking with every hitched breath and every tear that fell from Kenny's eyes, and there was nothing he could do. He wasn't strong enough to hold the fragments and put them back together. He didn't have that ability; only Kenny did.

The outside doors opened and Butters turned to find Kevin with angry-red eyes and splotchy cheeks. Shelly followed behind him, looking shaken to the core and emotionally raw as she grabbed her wrist and kept her eyes low.

Kenny let out a wail as Kevin approached and wrapped his arms tightly around his little brother, who seemed to hide in his embrace; much like Karen had with Kenny. And for the first time in his life Butters saw it; Kevin cared just as much for his younger siblings as Kenny cared for Karen. And Kenny deep down looked up to Kevin, just as his little sister looked up to him. And there was love between them, like brothers should have, and Butters wiped his eyes as he realized that was all Kenny needed. The reassurance that in such a shitty situation someone in his family still cared enough about him. And always had.

"Ya can't say that, ya shit head," Kevin choked as he held Kenny, "you can't say you wanna take her place, Kenny."

"W-why not?! Why can't I be the one in there?! You know as much as I do it doesn't mean a fucking thing!" Kevin shook his head and held Kenny tighter.

"'Cause it means somethin' to me, ya shithead!" Kevin cried as he shook his brother's shoulders, then stopped and looked down at him with tears biting his eyes. "'Cause it never gets any fuckin' easier for me! I can't lose my mom, my baby brother, and my baby sister all in the same week. I can't lose you, buddy... so... so don't you fuckin' say that."

And Butters cried harder, because it was the closest to an "I love you" the two brothers had ever said to each other. He knew it, and they knew it, and he was pretty sure Shelly knew it too.

And it felt like a machete to the heart.