Heartache
[ heart-ache ]
1. Emotional pain; the horrible feeling of a black hole sitting in your chest where your heart should be.
2. .That gnawing feeling that tells you that you will never love any other as much as you loved the person responsible for your broken heart.
3. Usually accompanied by feelings of self-recrimination.
No doctor in the world can fix this type of pain.
I always hated it when I hear people claim that nobody understands what they're going through. I never believed it. People all around the world are going through so many situations every day so there must be someone out there who's going through something similar. Seven billion people and you claim that you're alone? No; you just feel lonely.
But on the other hand I hate it when people try to compare your sadness with someone else's. There's always someone who's worse off than you. I don't care. If you want to compare my unhappiness then maybe I should compare your joy.
The world seemed like such a dark place and I became so cynical when you left. I didn't choose to but you were the only piece of life left inside me so when you let me walk away it was like I blew out the remaining candle. My mum started to worry I was becoming depressed.
I wasn't eating frequently; I couldn't sleep at night. I didn't see a point in doing things I use to love like dancing because it reminded me of you. On the weekends I would just stay in bed, refusing to move. Why should I? We were all going to die anyway.
The moment my mum heard me say that she rushed me to the doctor who diagnosed me with depression. I sighed. Now I had one more thing that I should care about but I didn't. They gave me some pills with instructions to take them every morning. That night my parents started shouting at each other; they blamed each other for what happened but it wasn't their fault. It was mine for believing this world was a place worth living in.
I tried not to talk at school. It got to the point where my throat felt raspy and sore whenever I was made to speak. Max tried to get me to be more open but I refused. He didn't understand I was a lost cause.
One night I scared myself. Mum had just left the kitchen after hugging me tight and telling me it will get better. I started washing up and as I picked up the huge rusty knife I stopped for a moment and wondered. Should I just end it all now? No more pain or having to deal with being a burden on my family? Should I?
Before I even answered my question, my dad walked in the room and hugged me too. Not tonight then.
You spoke to me a few days after. I wasn't even expecting anything but suddenly I felt you dragging me to your car.
"We need to talk."
"Why does this sound like a break up?" I asked. You locked the doors and turned to me seriously.
"Brittany, Max spoke to me earlier today. He's worried about you."
"Why would Max speak to you? You two don't even like each other."
"But we both care about you! So I done a little snooping and found these." You reached into your compartment and handed me my pills. I had taken them to school this morning as I was late and took them during first period.
"Britt, why are you on antidepressants?" You looked so concerned and I felt this urge to just tell you everything in my life. Not just my illness but all the silly details like the colour of my socks and what I ate (or tried to eat) for dinner yesterday. But all I could do was start to cry.
"Britt, sweetie, don't cry. Hey, I promise you that I'll do everything in my power to make sure it gets better." You enveloped me into your arms and I just broke down, finally letting my body accept the help it needed. I needed your care.
"I just felt so lost and saw no point in doing anything, not even breathing. My logic was that we're all going to die anyway so what's the point?" You gasped and geld me at arm's length, looking into my eyes.
"Brittany, you listen to me. There is always a point in being alive. I am your reason because you are mine."
"You hurt me so much that I almost hurt myself." I choked out. You started crying then repeating the word sorry over and over again.
"I never meant to Britt, I was so scared! So scared…"
"You don't need to be scared Santana. Be happy, I know whenever I'm with you I am."
"What if I can't find any happiness though? What if I don't deserve any?"
"Then have mine."
It seemed simple then, we would always be the ones to hold the world off each other, and we needed each other. We were made for each other and I'll be damned if I ruined fate's fate's plan again.
It was like this spark electrifies between us; as if we both suddenly understood that. We were soul mates and we always would be. It made sense that we both started to lean in. It seemed natural, like second nature to show you how happy you could be. You paused a fraction away from my lips and looked into my eyes, asking is this okay? I nodded, it would always be okay. The moment we touched I felt like I had a purpose again. I just knew why I was always so happy before and the world was so bright; you are my world.
Then it happened.
The knock at the window, the frightened looked on my face reflected by yours as we realised we had just been caught. The anxious turning to look and find out exactly who had just witnessed out private moment.
Shannon stood there, with her arms crossed and a disgusted look on her face. Your face paled and I instantly reached for your hand, telling you everything would be okay with one touch.
"Santana Lopez kissing Brittany Pierce. Huh, I knew there was something off about you two. Wait until everyone finds out about this horrible display I just saw." You looked like a mouse caught in a trap and instantly my mind rushed, worrying about you and how you'd react. This woman was promising to kick you out of the closet and the thought of it made my blood boil. I jumped out from the car and ran over to her side. I gave her my best 'head girl in charge' glare which I learnt from you and Quinn.
"Listen here short stuff, two things are gonna happen. Number one, you will shut up about what you just saw and never speak of it again. Number two, the only thing that's going to come out of your mouth when you talk to Santana is how pretty you think she is. One homophobic comment and that's it."
"What exactly are you planning on doing to me if I don't? You're no exactly the strongest person out there?" She scoffed and I felt you stand behind me then.
"I may not be but I do have a lot of friends who would be willing to go along if I happened to tell them about a little story I heard. Flasher for a fiver, I think it had a nice ring." You laughed and she just glared before walking away. After calming down we both turned to look at each other.
"I think we should talk."
"I think so too."
"Wanna get something to eat?"
"I thought you'd never ask." I replied.