Rating: NC17
Warnings: Eventual Sam/Dean, Non Con, Rape, Prostitution, Angst,
Sam and Dean aren't brothers in this …*blinks*…that's a first for me!
Summary: Dean hunts the Supernatural, Sam survives on the street...then their worlds collide.

Chapter 10

He had learnt to wake without moving, without giving himself away or making a sound. It was the nature of survival and being a hunter was all about instinct and survival.

Even then the odds were still stacked against you.

Dean knew he was hurt and bit back on the groan that wanted to escape his lips as his body thrummed with ache and his brain pounded against his skull. It wasn't the first time he had woken in pain with no recollection of how and why and where and no doubt it wouldn't be the last time.

It wasn't long though before the memories began trickling in and they soon became a flood of events that swamped him as he drowned in the harsh reality of total recall.

"Sam?" His voice rasped out the name as his eyes opened.

There was pressure on his arm and warmth on his chest that drew his eyes and he grimaced as the movement sent a spark through his arm. It was worth it though to find the younger boy near him, safe.

He frowned at the pale skin and bruised shadows under the younger boy's eyes, his features pinched and worried even in sleep. Of course there was good reason for Sam's obvious state of exhaustion and grief and most of the blame could be laid at his own feet.

Dean had turned his body a little and flexed the muscles in his left arm before he realised his mistake. He gasped and groaned softly letting his head spill back onto the pillow, a sheen of sweat breaking out on his forehead.

"Dean?"

The voice was whisper soft and sleepy and Dean had never heard anything as good.

"Yeah Sam. You okay?"

Dean winced a little as Sam struggled to sit up, surprised when unsure fingers touched his forehead and then Sam's eyes widened in what looked like fear.

"Sam? What's wrong?"

"I fell asleep. Oh God Dean m'sorry, I should've…I don't know how long I…"

"Sam stop it's okay. I'm…I'm okay."

"Is it over?"

Dean heard the pleading in Sam's voice and he couldn't not reassure him even though he knew he'd still have to make sure. Demon poison was a bitch and he had to neutralize all of it.

"Help me up Sam."

Dean held out his hand, frowning at Sam's hesitation.

"Is it over?"

"Sam…"

"Please Dean."

"I've gotta make sure all the infection's out but I can do this one. You've done enough Sam. You've done more than you should've had to do and thank you for looking after me and…and I'm sorry."

Sam moved slow and tired across the room and Dean could see the boy could probably use about a week's sleep but he came back to the bed with a cup of water.

"Here, y'need to drink."

Dean let Sam help him sit up a little, conscious of Sam's hand behind his neck trembling but still strong. He didn't realise how thirsty he was until the cool water touched his lips and he closed his eyes as the liquid slid down his parched throat.

"Thanks." Dean paused. "Sam can you bring the med kit over, there's a blue plastic bottle and I need…three tablets."

"Yeah Dean. What are they for?"

"Pain meds, the good stuff." Deam managed a grin.

"Jesus Dean I should've thought of that, God you haven't had anything."

"Couldn't before Sam, needed to try and keep a clear head and they're pretty strong. I would've been out for longer and I didn't want to…I wanted to wait."

"Your arm's still…there's still poison in it I think."

Dean glanced down at the red lines still radiating out from the wound even though he could feel the poison without needing to see it. "Yeah, got me good." He dry swallowed the tablets and then took the cup again and drained it.

"I'm…I'm gonna do this now." Sam reached down and picked up the last flask of holy water from the floor. "I should've already…" Sam shook his head. "I didn't mean to fall asleep…you could've…you could've..." Sam's breath hitched.

Dean reached out and gripped Sam's wrist, running his thumb along the skin on Sam's forearm. "No Sam, I'm okay. Give it here."

Sam shook his head, tears glistening in his eyes as he refused to look at the older boy.

"S'okay." Dean reached over and gently took the metal flask wedging it up against his body before using his hand to tilt Sam's face up. "I'm gonna do this and then we're gonna sleep some more."

Dean hoped he was past the worst of it and gritted his teeth as he unscrewed the lid awkwardly with one hand before taking a breath and pouring the liquid over his own arm.

"Fuck…sonovabitch."

Dean steeled himself until there was nothing left in the container and his vision swam, greyed in and out until he just closed his eyes altogether trying to block the sensations out. Until there was nothing except the buzzing in his head and the fire in his arm and the fingers on his face, over his heart and someone calling his name.

"Dean? Dean it…it worked…it worked. Y'gonna be okay."

"Sm?"

"M'here Dean, you hear me? You're gonna be okay."

"Yeah, m'okay." Dean squinted up into the anxious eyes and realised he was flat on his back again. "How long was I out?"

"Not long, coupla minutes." Sam tried to smile because it had only been a couple of minutes this time but it had still seemed too long especially when he didn't really understand what was happening to Dean.

He had watched as the holy water had sizzled against Dean's skin briefly, the sound and smell still making his stomach tighten in knots. Then as Dean's hand had began to shake, Sam had wrapped his fingers around the older boy's hand to steady it, relief and amazement engulfing him when the water had abruptly ran clear and smooth over the wound. Even as the last drops had tipped from the flask, the angry red veins that had marked the damaged skin and pulsed with poison seemed to almost disappear.

A cold shiver ran through Sam's body but he didn't notice as he absently traced a scar along Dean's right shoulder, not even aware of what he was doing until a hand captured his fingers.

"I'm sorry…I…" Sam moved to withdraw his hand but Dean's grip tightened.

"Why…why are you sorry?"

Sam looked down, his teeth nervously catching his lower lip as he tried to collect his thoughts and find the answer for himself so he could explain it to Dean.

"I kept thinking if I held on to you…if I could feel your heart then you wouldn't go, wouldn't leave me. When I'm with you I feel like I'm real, like I matter. Then…then I think about Emmett and I shouldn't get to feel like this, I shouldn't get to feel good."

"Sam…" Dean smiled and brought Sam's hand to his chest. "…Emmett loved you. The way he talked about you, worried about you…you were his family. He wanted…would want you to be happy. It's just hard…" Dean lost his voice for a minute as both new and long buried grief worked its way up his throat and burned his eyes. "…it's hard to keep going at first."

Sam watched as the older boy's eyes glistened with unshed tears and he nodded as his own anguish and confusion washed over him.

Dean released his hand and Sam closed his eyes as a gentle touch brushed down his face before sliding along his jaw, through his hair. He felt himself lean into Dean's hand and only opened his eyes when a soft pressure on the nape of his neck drew him down against Dean's body. He saw something in the deep green eyes that reflected his own heart and couldn't think anymore because the desire to lose himself became too much.

The downward pressure eased off and Sam somehow understood that Dean was leaving the choice to him. He settled to the side of Dean's body, careful not to disturb the injured arm, and then he paused for seconds before slowly touching his mouth to Dean's lips. Sam felt Dean's mouth caress his own as they gentled into the kiss.

Dean's hand moved back up to tangle in his hair and Sam let out a soft moan as he felt himself give in to this, give in to Dean. Awash with such emotion he needed the warmth, needed the touch. Just needed.

Something changed in the air between them then, something clicked into place and fitted together.

The sound Sam made against his lips made Dean's body react and he pulled him in close, his one uninjured arm tensing around the younger boy's shoulders as he slid his splayed hand down Sam's back. Sam's mouth opened and Dean sank his tongue inside, suddenly wanting to discover every inch of this boy's body and know every sound he made. It felt so good to be pressed together, it was like nothing Dean could remember in the countless one night stands and random hook ups that had littered his life like debris strewn along a highway.

Dean knew what this wasn't even though he hadn't really worked out exactly what this was yet.

He felt Sam's hands tentatively move across his bare chest and he suddenly wanted to feel Sam's skin next to his own. He pulled at the hem of Sam's t-shirt and started lifting it up along his back.

"Off." He hardly recognized the sound of his own low voice.

They broke the kiss only long enough for the thin cotton to move between them and their mouths were on each other again even before Sam had lifted the shirt over his head. Languidly kissing and sucking on each other's lips as their tongues delved back and forth, Dean began to notice Sam become more confident, more passionate as his kisses pressed harder.

Sam's body was warm skin over sleek muscle and Dean was surprised to feel the strong tremor that shook through the younger boy's body.

"Sam what is it?" Dean moved his head away trying to read Sam's face, see if he was in pain.

"M'cold. I feel cold inside, it won't go away."

Dean felt relieved, at least it would be temporary. "It's okay, it's just from the demon's touch and it'll pass in a day or two." He paused frowning for a second before he spoke because he needed to know, needed to make sure and he didn't trust his own instincts right now. "You okay…with this?"

Sam nodded meeting his gaze with eyes that were far too dark, pupils blown and lips moist and swollen from pressing and moving against his own.

"God Sam, you're beautiful." Dean was hardly aware he had spoken out loud because he had to taste Sam's mouth again and he groaned as the younger boy engulfed his tongue, tilting his head to give more access.

Dean swept his hand down Sam's neck and over the bare skin of his chest and then further down and across to his hip, the firm pressure of his hand sinking just inside the waistband of Sam's jeans. He could feel his breathing become heavier as the kiss intensified and he wished to God he could use both his arms and envelope Sam completely.

Sam's hands clutched at his shoulder and back, making him wince slightly as his injured arm was jostled a little in the embrace. He could feel Sam becoming almost frantic with need, hips rocking now in time with the thrust of their tongues. Dean was half hard and blissed out but he also felt the slow drag of the pain meds kicking in and his body was slowly beginning to fall.

He could feel the hard bulge of Sam's cock against his body and using his left leg, he pushed his body to the side facing Sam, leaving his injured left arm dangling almost behind him on the mattress. The pain intensified but he distracted himself with Sam's mouth before sliding his left leg over the top of his right and pushing it between Sam's knees.

As he slid his leg in and pushed the top of his thigh up against Sam's cock, Sam broke the kiss gasping and throwing his head back exposing his throat.

"God Dean…mmmmm…so good."

Dean licked along Sam's neck as he moved his leg forward and up again to meet Sam's downward push as the speed of their movement began to increase. The younger boy began to pant and whimper as he pushed down harder each time, now grinding his cock along the hard muscle of Dean leg and squeezing his own thighs together holding Dean in place.

Dean's senses were drifting now and the smell of Sam's sweat and arousal were thick and heady and he bit down on Sam's neck, teeth and tongue savouring the taste and heat. As he nipped at the mark again he felt the young boy's whole body tense and arch against him as a long, low moan slipped from Sam's mouth.

Sam trembled again but this time from the aftershocks of his climax and Dean pushed up once more as he slowly dragged his thigh out from between Sam's legs and lay back flat on the mattress. His body felt heavy and good and the pain was a dull ache in his arm as Sam nestled back against his side and trailed fingers down his face.

"Thank you." Even his tongue felt too thick and heavy.

"For what Dean…I didn't…"

"For letting me…I…I haven't felt…felt anything in a long time…always alone."

"I know." Sam's voice was ragged with emotion. No one had ever kissed him like that before and he was still shocked at the desire that had flowed through his veins. The pain, the grief, the guilt…everything, had just fallen away and Dean's touch was the only thing that existed. Dean saw who he was and still wanted him.

Except now as Dean began fading into much needed rest it all crashed back down on top of him, the guilt and grief of losing Emmett, the fear of losing Dean and all the doubts and insecurities of who he was. Sam's past was like a different kind of poison that killed you slowly, killed you quietly and no amount of holy water was going to save him from it.

poor boy they're all dead.

you're such a good little slut.

you needed it, begged for it.

"Sam?"

"Yeah?" Sam blinked at Dean's voice.

"You…you gonna stay? I…I can't…um…" Everything seemed to be receding slowly

"Dean? You okay?"

"Mmmmm…tired, jus tired."

"S'okay go to sleep."

"Pls…stay."

"Yeah Dean, I'll be here when you wake up."

Sam smoothed back the hair on the older boy's face and watched as Dean's eyes fought to stay open, stay on him.

"M'sorry…m'sorry Sam." Dean's voice trailed off then and his eyes finally slipped closed.

"Shhh…nothing to be sorry for Dean."

Sam rested his head on Dean's shoulder and wondered how the hell he was going to walk away from this one good thing.

Bu then walking away had to be easier than being the last one left.

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He hadn't slept, he just lay there in the dark against the warmth of Dean. He could still feel the ghost of Dean's hands and mouth on his skin and the way everything had just melted away.

Tears wet his eyelashes because it was too nice, too good and he didn't deserve this, not after everything. Sam couldn't stay still any longer and moved to sit up when he realised in horror he still had Emmett's blood on his skin. He already had cum on his jeans and his dead friend's blood had hardly dried.

you're such a good little slut.

Sam stood in the shower under the hot water, his hands were braced against the tiles and his head rested on his forearm. The water pounded down on his back and he closed his eyes against the stream of water that ran through the long strands of his hair and coursed across his face. He knew Dean would sleep for a while yet.

No matter where he tried to focus his thoughts they kept coming back to Emmett and Dean but had to stop this, he had to work out what he needed to do. He didn't have a hell of a lot of options really, knew he'd have to go back because at least he had a place to stay and a job. Maybe he could get more work at the garage, pay his dues to Steve and Riley and just get on with it.

If not, he could always find someone with a dick eager to fuck him over if he needed the cash. It's what he did, what he was good at so why fight it?

He hated this feeling of no control, he always had, but he'd never seen a way to overcome it before now. It had always stayed inside him, eating away at the edges of everything until sometimes there was only the fear left and that's when he locked himself away in the dark.

Sam reached out of the shower and caught the edge of his jeans, pulling them over and reaching in the pocket and grasping the cool metal in the palm of his hand.

Sam could feel himself breathing hard now in anticipation as his mind fed on images of the way Michael had shown him the knife before he had marked his skin.

…Do you want peace Sam?

He felt his cock twinge when he remembered the way the blade had felt slicing through his skin and the painpleasure of what came after and Sam almost cried out in disgust at himself, stricken with how badly he wanted this and how much he hated it all mixed together.

The blade flicked open almost of its own accord, like it could see how much Sam is longing to feel it and Sam stared at the thin, sharp metal.

He dropped to the tiles and reached up turning the taps off before leaning back against the wall of the shower, knees splayed and cock heavy between his legs. There's no hesitation and he dragged the blade across the skin of his inner thigh, slow and hard, down and in until his hand pressed against his erection and he groaned as the ache followed the blade.

The bright red river spilled out across his soaked skin, moving quickly down his thigh and onto the tiles. He watched as it mixed crimson pink with the pooling water on the floor and then meanders towards the drain. It's like a part of him has been released, a pressure valve opened and suddenly he can breathe again without feeling like he's underwater.

He makes another cut slightly above and parallel to the first, drags the sharp edge slower and a touch deeper this time and lets his head tilt back against the tiles for a minute and just savors the pain and the warm spill of fluid over his skin.

Sam looked back down almost mesmerised by all the red, the colour of his self loathing as it seeps out of his body. His cock is still hard and suddenly he wants to make it go away but can't bring himself to touch his own body like that, not after the way Dean had caressed him like a lover.

Instead he digs his fingers into the bloody skin and claws at the wound until the pain takes any pleasure out of his body and he's trembling and sweating at the effort. Sam takes a deep breath and turns the cold water tap on, jumping at the shock of the iced water over his body but making himself stay there until the blood washes away and any evidence of his shame is gone.

When Sam emerged from the bathroom in borrowed track pants, water still glistening off his semi dried skin and dripping from his hair, he felt calm. Relieved to find Dean still peaceful and sleeping, Sam looked between his bag and the door but then settled on the bed beside the older boy.

He had made a promise to be there when Dean woke and he would keep his word. It was the least he could do for someone who had shown him what it felt like to be loved.

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Dean stretched, almost half awake and aware he was safe but forgetting briefly about his injured arm until he moved.

"Ow fuck…holy crap."

"Dean? It's okay, just move slow."

Dean glanced over as he growled at Sam in response, pain and the fact it was morning making him grumpy but then regretful when he saw the surprised look on the younger boy's face. "God Sam I'm sorry man. Not a morning person and fuck…" Dean sat up with a groan. "…not the best patient."

"S'okay."

Dean looked at Sam's almost ashen face and damp hair as the boy stood beside the bed. "Hey, did you get any rest?"

"Yeah."

Watching as Sam averted his eyes, Dean reached out and grasped his wrist then gently pulled the younger boy towards him. "Hey c'mere."

He knew Sam would be scared and confused, hell that's how he felt and this was his usual gig. The last thing Dean was expecting though was for Sam to pull away from his touch and look like he was about to bolt out the door. Not after the way they had moved together so intimately, not after the way Sam had kissed him.

"What is it…what's wrong Sam?"

"I…I should go. If you're feeling better…then I should…I need to go."

"What?" Dean was dumbfounded and the word tumbled softly out of his mouth as though he had misheard.

"I need to go back." Sam swallowed and stared fixedly at the threadbare carpet underneath his feet.

"I thought we…that we could…I was hoping you'd stay Sam."

Sam smiled but it was gone from his face before it had reached his eyes. "I can't."

"Why not? I thought…I thought you felt something between us. I know I did Sam and I guess I don't want to just leave it at that. Not after…"

"That's just it Dean…" Sam mind was a chaos of pain and emotions and he was so close to letting the truth spill out. It was so tempting to confess his fear that everyone around him died and he couldn't go through it again, he couldn't let his heart be exposed like that ever again. It was easier though just to twist the truth. "I can't stay with you and be reminded about… this." Sam looked up briefly. "I just can't."

Dean felt like he'd been sucker punched but he didn't show it. Hunter's were good at hiding themselves away when they had to because showing weakness, exposing vulnerabilities was more often than not a health hazard. Besides, he couldn't blame Sam for feeling that way.

"Yeah…yeah you're right Sam." Dean nodded. "And for what it's worth, I'm sorry I didn't do enough…I…I'm sorry I didn't save Emmett."

"Dean that's not what I meant, I don't blame you, it wasn't your fault…I just…" Sam struggled to find the right words that didn't hurt Dean but he got lost somewhere between hope and heartbreak.

"Don't Sam, it's okay. Can you at least wait another day and let me drive you back. I don't think I'm up for it today but I really would like to take you back. Know you got there alright. Please."

Sam knew he should say no and walk away now but there was something in the older boy's voice that shattered Sam a little more. Dean wasn't fighting him on this and he should be glad, it was for the best but he still didn't want Dean to think he was to blame. He had to at least try and fix that before he left.

Sam nodded. "Okay."

There was a silence between them then that stretched on and for a minute Sam was sure Dean was going to close the gap between them and hold on to him. Something inside Sam's heart clenched in anticipation, willing Dean to touch him again.

The moment passed though and Dean cleared his throat and stood on shaky legs before slowly making his way to the bathroom, left arm cradled against his body. Dean turned and braced himself against the door frame, holding Sam's eyes briefly before speaking.

"I'm never gonna forget you Sam."

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