Faux Pas
Author's Note: Hey, I'm not usually the kind of person to do this, but if you're a regular reader, can you leave me some feedback? It's just that I'm posting chapter after chapter and I still haven't had any reviews, and I'm wondering if this story is okay or not. I just want to know if anyone's really reading this. Thank you, if you are. :)
Tension
I sat up in bed the next morning a sorry mess, my head in my hands against my knees. Sweat dripped from my forehead, nearly sizzling. My hands trembled and my heart raced quickly. All I could hear was my heavy breathing and the blood pulsing as my heart pounded. Stop, stop, be still, damn you! It was only a dream…
But it felt so real…
I looked back at Bebe, who lay peacefully asleep. He hadn't moved an inch all night. So it must have been me that moved closer. Why?
I watched him in silence. This curious person that had appeared in my dream lay before me. Weren't dreams an escape from reality? So why was I unable to escape a character? I wiped my face with the back of my arm, trying to calm down. But every time I remembered the dream, I started all over again.
It was in this room… I had returned early from Tartarus, walking into my room alone. At least, I thought I was alone. I heard a voice.
Thou art I… and I am thou…
I looked around, unable to see anyone.
Thou art I, and I am thou. Thou shalt have our blessing when thou choosest to create a Persona of the Temperance Arcana.
I recognized it as that voice. The one with no body, that only I could hear. Why was it speaking out like this? I was alone…
And then, suddenly, Bebe was in the room. At first it seemed like one of those dreams where the story seems to skip a place, but it was far stranger.
He wore a pure white kimono and he spoke to me in a strange language. It wasn't French, it wasn't Japanese, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't English either. It was a very short and unclear phrase, almost as if he had mumbled over it. Yet, he smiled as though it were meant to be beautiful. He blushed as I smiled a friendly smile back.
And then came the part I couldn't forget.
He approached me slowly, his hands resting on my chest. They slid up to my cheeks, where they stayed. Bebe continued to walk forward, backing me against a wall. I slid down to the floor and he sat in my lap, resting his forehead to mine. I felt his breath against my lips.
He remained this way, making no further move. His eyes fixed upon mine, almost staring into my soul. I'd never seen a more beautiful blue… His lips were but a pout away from mine. His hands left my cheeks and began to stroke my hair. I wanted him to stop teasing me.
I held him against me, pressing my nose lightly to the side of his. He closed his eyes and kissed around my mouth, but never directly on the lips. His kisses felt like a butterfly's batting wings. I longed for him to kiss my lips.
He pulled away a little so that I could see him again. Large white-feathered wings protruded from his back. There was an ink splatter on his sleeve.
When I woke up, my face was an inch from Bebe's. I jolted, miraculously leaving him undisturbed. The same did not go for me. What was this feeling stirring inside my chest? Just when I thought I knew what ailed me, I was thrown back to square one.
If I wasn't a possessive best friend that wanted more time with Bebe, then what was I? And what the hell was with that dream? Aside from the ridiculous elements like the angel wings, the voices, and the coming up out of nowhere… Why would I dream about such an intimate moment between us? ..why was I left feeling as if I wasn't satisfied? Why did I still want him to kiss me? Why did I want to kiss him?
The bed sheets rustled a bit. I forced myself to stay my gaze at my knees.
"Tetsuya-sama…?"
I didn't want to look back at him. Not now. I wouldn't have to. He came to me.
"Doushita no?" Bebe asked, looking over my face, "You look sick."
He placed his hand on my forehead, and for the first time for him, I flinched. It wasn't so much that I disliked that he was touching me, it was just the idea of it… That dream… The warmth of his hands matched the warmth in my dream… The contact made me want his kiss even more. Fire…
"Uwaa, you're burning up," Bebe murmured, "Maybe you shouldn't go out today…"
No. I wasn't giving up. Sick or not, I wasn't succumbing to it.
"N-No, no, I'll be okay…" I told him, "It usually passes in a few seconds…"
"Zis 'appens often?" Bebe asked, astonished. I managed an awkward smile.
"Increasingly, so it seems…" I muttered.
Bebe was quiet for a moment. He patted my shoulder.
"Well… I 'ope eet passes soon, Tetsuya-sama," he smiled, "'Ow about zis… I'll go take a shower, and if you're feeling better when I'm done, we can go out."
He kissed my cheek before he stood up, leaving me to my raging thoughts.
Oh my God. WHY? Why did the word 'shower' suddenly seem so appealing? Why did the idea of Bebe showering arouse the memories of the dream? It had nothing to do with him kissing me! The images stuck in my head made my face burn more furiously than ever before. And then he kissed my cheek…
This complicated everything. Best friends didn't feel like this. Not that I knew of at least… And Bebe had no idea. Not that I could tell him that I was having these thoughts. What would he think of me then? I didn't want him to see me as some sort of perverted, sick…
Sick…? I was sick. Illness had been my first hunch. Never second-guess yourself… People have weird dreams and hallucinations when they get sick. This was okay… I would have to pace myself, but I would be fine. This would pass eventually. I just needed to take a decongestant or an aspirin. In fact, the burning was already gone… I felt oddly better…
This would be okay… Bebe and I were going to have a good time together. I needed to unwind. He was right. I was an uptight person. I needed to change. Maybe that's why Bebe was good for me?
But when he came back, the symptoms did too. I began to worry that I was allergic to him.
"Still sick?" he asked, concerned and slightly disappointed. He pressed his hand to my forehead again and I feared my skin would burn off. His concern became greater.
"You must 'ave a cold…" he said quietly, "Poor zing…"
"N-No… I…" I stuttered.
What? Why was I trying to lie about it? It was so obvious. But… I didn't want to stay at the dorm. I wanted to go out with him. But I couldn't…
"You should rest," Bebe told me, "You don't want eet to get worse."
"But…" I murmured, "We…"
Bebe cocked his head.
"If eet's our date zat you are worried about, we can wait until next Sunday," he said, "I would razer you be healzy zan suffering."
"I… can go…" I muttered. Bebe frowned.
"Don't lie to me," he said sternly, "If you're sick, you're sick. I want you better so you can relax. Now lie down."
My face started burning more fiercely.
"Lie… down…?" I asked. He rolled his eyes, placing his hand on my forehead. This time, he pushed me back to my pillow. My heart was pounding. What would be his next move?
He looked down at me, sighing.
"Look at you… You need to stop 'urting yourself," he told me, "I wish I could make you understand zat you don't 'ave to push yourself. I'm sorry, but you're sick, and I can't let you make eet worse."
He stood up, and then he kneeled beside me.
"Listen…" he said quietly, "I look forward to zis as much as you do. I appreciate zat you want to spend time togezer, but we can't enjoy ourselves if you don't feel well. You'll be sick and I'll feel terrible for dragging you around. So, if I can ask of you just one zing, please rest. I want you to feel better. Your 'appiness eez my 'appiness."
I found myself feeling sicker. I think. I finally gave up.
"Okay…" I said softly. Bebe smiled.
"Yosh," he smiled, "You sleep and I'll get out of your 'air. Do you want me to pick somezing up for you at ze pharmacy? Cold medicine?"
"No, I'm okay…" I told him. He nodded and stood up.
"Okay," he said, "Please get better."
He began to walk away, and I felt my heart lurch. I had to say something.
"Bebe?"
He turned. I bit my lip gently.
"I'm… sorry…" I muttered. He smiled sympathetically.
"Don't be," he said, "You can't 'elp getting sick. Just get better for next week. We can spend ze day togezer next Sunday."
I smiled slightly.
"Okay…" I responded. He smiled a little.
"Get well," he wished as he left the room.
As the door closed, my symptoms persisted. I figured I really was sick. Maybe Bebe was right to keep me inside. He was a good person… I closed my eyes, falling asleep instantly.
I didn't have any dreams like before, but Bebe was still in them. It didn't stir any peculiar feelings like the first dream. I had a fairly realistic one about spending Sunday afternoon with him in Iwatodai. Even the smell of takoyaki was there… We went to the Sweet Shop, and I couldn't control my movements very well. I kept getting ice cream on my forehead… Scene skip. We sat on a bench, folding paper figures. Origami?
The dream slowly drifted away and I could hear the AC blowing gently. The room was so cool… My face didn't burn anymore. I opened my eyes slowly, only to meet darkness. I looked around the shaded room. It was evening already? How had I managed to sleep for so long? As I sat up, something cold and damp slid off my forehead and plopped in my lap. I held it up to get a better look at it. A washcloth? Who had put it there? Maybe Aigis?
As I sat quietly, it occurred to me that I wasn't feeling sick anymore. Had it all passed? All it took was sleep? How curious… I flipped the covers off and swung my legs over the side of the mattress. I didn't even feel dizzy.
I stood up and got dressed. Then I left my room, pondering over this miraculous recovery of mine. It went away awfully fast. Was that a good sign? As I reached the bottom of the staircase, the others noticed me.
"Oh, you're awake!" Yukari smiled, "How are you feeling?"
"Better," I replied, "A lot better."
"I am happy that you have made a full recovery," Aigis said, though she didn't smile.
"Do you think you can manage Tartarus tonight?" Mitsuru asked, "Iori has been begging me to let him lead for the night. I think he wants out more than Koromaru."
"N-No, I think you're missing the point…" Junpei muttered, sweatdropping nervously.
"I think I'll be okay," I said.
I noticed Bebe at the dining room table. He watched me quietly. I felt my heart sink. Crap. I knew it looked bad. I was okay to slay dozens of monstrous beasts, but I couldn't manage a walk around the city? Ouch. That seemed like a slap in the face…
But he had to know that I wanted to spend the day with him. He had to, right? I tried to get up and he pushed me back. He told me to stay. I listened. Just like before. He wasn't upset then, and he had his arm cut open by a Maya. I was sick. He couldn't be mad at me for that, right?
He stood up and went to me, placing his hand on my forehead. My cheeks burned a little, but not as badly as before. He frowned thoughtfully, and then smiled at me, taking his hand away.
"Your fever seems to be gone," he said, "Aren't you glad you rested?"
Was… was he being sarcastic? He didn't sound sarcastic. But he had to be upset with me. He had to be. I couldn't even forgive myself. He didn't have to forgive me… Was he pissed or not? I couldn't even tell.
"Saito, are you sure you're okay to fight?" Mitsuru asked, "You're behaving strangely."
Was I? What was I doing?
"I can fight!" I said, a little loudly. Everyone stared at me strangely, Bebe included. His hand went back to my forehead, and I got edgy.
"Stop that, I feel fine," I mumbled. He shrugged.
"Suit yourself," he sighed, "Just don't get yourself in so deep zat you drown. I can only pull you out of ze shallow end."
Shit. Did he just say 'shallow'? Did he think I was shallow for skipping out? No. No, no, no. That wasn't true. He knew that. He knew that, didn't he?
"Wild Card!" Yukari barked. I jolted. She frowned, "God, I called your name three times. Why will you respond to 'Wild Card' and not 'Tetsuya'? Quit being such a space cadet. If you're as fine as you say, then we need to head out now."
I had to shake it off. This wasn't coming off well. Bebe wasn't mad at me. I had to make myself think that whether it was true or not.
I went into Tartarus with Junpei, Yukari, Bebe, and Mitsuru, still worried out of my mind. I was sick in a completely different way now. I felt like he was glaring daggers into my back. Though there wasn't any evidence, I had a strong feeling that he was upset. Usually, I was pretty good at reading people. Never second-guess yourself…
Yukari slapped me upside the head. I was spacing again…
We entered the Tziah block again, though cautiously. Mitsuru said it was best if we entered slowly, seeing that we had been ambushed before. The floor we entered on was completely clear, so we crept up the stairs cautiously.
Bebe had a sword like mine this time. One-handed and a great deal lighter. He didn't have to drag it on the floor, and he would be able to attack the Shadows if necessary. Though, I didn't think it would be. I had made it my sole promise to protect him from anything. Maybe I could make everything up to him.
Focusing on Tartarus helped ease me worries over if he was upset or not, but not much. I still couldn't tell if he was bothered. He didn't seem upset. But maybe he was hiding it? Maybe this was payback because I hid from him. He figured me out quickly. So why couldn't I see through him anymore?
We walked along quietly until Fuuka spoke up through the transmitter.
"Shadows are coming!" she alerted us, "It's another swarm!"
"Again?" Mitsuru asked, frustrated.
"It seems like it's not just Maya this time… Please! Be careful!" Fuuka told us.
Weapons were at the ready before the Shadows even showed their masked faces.
"Stand your guard," Mitsuru told us, "Even if the enemies don't attack you like before, give them all you've got. I repeat, Iori. Saito. Do NOT hold back."
Go ahead. Rub it in there nice and deep. Oh, and if you want, go ahead and squeeze a lemon in there and then salt it down. Better yet, just take your rapier and shove it up your-
"SAITO, DO YOU HEAR ME?" Mitsuru yelled, "I asked if you were ready!"
"Jeez, I'm ready. God," I mumbled. Such a pain in the ass.
Before I could even look forward, Yukari released the string on her bow. The arrow split through the air like a bullet and struck a Maya in the face.
"Nice, Yuka-tan," Junpei grinned.
As he spoke, the rest of the swarm crept into the room. Fuuka had been correct. It wasn't just the Visceral Maya… There were Order Giants. Hulking golems with swords larger than Mitsuru's, Junpei's, Bebe's, and mine melded together. Giants were nothing to screw with.
Mitsuru charged forward, taking a swing at a Maya. The little wretch slid right around her. She fell to the floor awkwardly, dropping her weapon. The other Shadows could have attacked her while she was down, but it was as if she were but a rock. They simply went around her without sparing a glance. She sat up quickly, looking back at the Shadows that drew closer to us.
"It's happening again!" she cried, "They're after him!"
Without thinking, I was in front of Bebe immediately, ready to take on any Shadow. Maya or Giant, I would kill whatever came close to Bebe. One hand held my sword, the other was ready to grab my Evoker. My mind was clear of everything else. I was ready to fight.
When the Giant approached first, I was quick to draw my Evoker.
"Jack Frost!" I summoned, pulling the trigger quickly. Jack Frost cast a light Bufu spell on the Giant and froze it solid, to my satisfaction. Lucky little guy…
I swung my sword forcefully and the Giant shattered as if it had been frozen by liquid nitrogen. That was unusual… Giants never went down like that… Maybe I was just particularly lucky?
"Whoa," Junpei blinked, "Nice job, dude. Do that some more and we'll be done in five minutes."
"Impressive," Yukari said with a smile. Mitsuru was back on her feet, fighting off the weak Maya first. To our relief, this swarm was far smaller than the first one. Though it still felt like an equal amount of stress because of the Giants. I had managed to take out one, but there were still three more.
It wasn't a good idea for the others to be dealing with the Maya. They were too easy. We had to focus on the bigger enemies. We needed the vermin out of the way. I pulled the trigger of the Evoker again, this time calling a fairly new addition to my Personae from my Compendium. The Visceral Maya were weak against fire. How very convenient.
"Surt!" I called forth. Surt, all eight feet of him, kneeled on the floor in front of me, facing the swarm. I'd never tried Ragnarok before, so I felt like it might be a good time to try. Surt thrust his arms away from his chest and a gargantuan tower of fire exploded in the middle of the swarm. The Maya were destroyed on impact, but the Giants remained.
"Wow, you're on a roll today," Yukari remarked. Junpei was overly excited by the fire, and he couldn't say anything intelligible or worth writing down.
"Tetsuya-sama, do you want me to try to fight too?" Bebe asked. I looked up at the hulking Giants, all staring down fixedly at Bebe. Could I give my answer any quicker?
"No, just stay behind me. These are guys you don't want to deal with," I told him.
"Right," he said, pleasantly easy to persuade for once.
The Giant closest to me seemed to realize that I was defending what it was after. It also seemed to realize that in order to get to him, it would have to go through me first. Of course, when you have a giant sword that can cut through a person like butter, that's not so difficult, is it?
Wrong.
It took a swing at me and I deflected its sword with mine. I wasn't exactly sure how I was able to, since I never could before and this Giant was stronger than the others I had fought before. We had a stare down, waiting for the other to move. The Giant's eyes were cold as ice…
Something in my head snapped. Ice. Without looking at her, I called out to Mitsuru.
"Use Mabufu!" I commanded. She understood my train of thought perfectly and didn't argue with me. I heard her Evoker and suddenly the Giants all froze. Perfect.
I swung at the one before me and it shattered like before. Again? Luck was abundant…
With a little more difficulty, the others managed the other two Giants on their own. The room was still. I listened closely for another noise.
"Great work," Fuuka's voice said, "You defeated them all."
The others sighed and relaxed. Junpei dropped his blade and plopped down on the floor.
"Jeez, just two weeks ago we couldn't find more than five Shadows. Now we're getting swarmed every time we walk onto a floor. What's the deal?"
"You were right…" Yukari said, "They weren't attacking us at all… Except for the one that attacked Tetsuya-kun…"
Mitsuru covered her face.
"He was in front of Bebe… I was worried…" she said, "But it seems like our theory from before is correct. The Shadows want him."
"But… why me?" Bebe asked quietly, "I don't 'ave anyzing special…"
"Maybe that's the point," Mitsuru said quietly, "Maybe they're looking for an easy fight. They want your blood."
"That's just great," I grumbled, throwing my sword to the floor.
"Tetsuya, settle down," Yukari said, "You pretty much demolished the Shadows back there. That was merciless even for them."
"I wouldn't complain," Junpei grinned, "I mean did you even see that fire move? It was like-"
Again, not worth trying to write his insufferable onomatopoeia.
Mitsuru looked at me curiously.
"Iori has a point…" she said, "Saito was stronger than usual both nights… It seems like whenever Bebe is being attacked, his power more than doubles its usual level. Like… an adrenaline rush."
"So… Bebe attracts everything, and Tetsuya kills everything. Together, they make a mouse trap?" Junpei asked.
"Exactly," Mitsuru said.
The wheels in her head began turning, and I didn't care for the direction they were going. She looked back and forth between Bebe and me for a long time. Then, the words came out.
"All right. Change of plan. Since Bebe can't fight on his own, he won't be needing a weapon anymore," she said. Bebe sighed a little, but it sounded more disappointed than relieved.
"From now on, Bebe will enter Tartarus with Saito's team and act as support. At the same time, you'll also be attracting Shadows. If we can get rid of them all immediately like this, we'll be free to explore the floors as we please without concern for lurking predators."
I felt something in my head snap.
"You're making him a Bait Member?" I roared.
"I suppose that's one way to put it," Mitsuru said unsurely, "Sort of a harsh statement, though."
"You're the one who's putting his life on the line!" I spat, "Why is it that you can make him live bait, but I get chewed out because I let him swing at a Maya? Explain this to me, Senpai! Explain it!"
"Tetsuya-sama, don't yell at 'er," Bebe said softly, "Eet's okay."
I whirled around, to address him.
"No, Bebe! It's not okay!" I barked, then turning back to Mitsuru, "You're not making him a Bait Member. It'll be a cold day in August before I let that happen."
"Saito, you're not understanding the concept at all," Mitsuru sighed, "He's not just there to serve as live bait. He's there to amplify your strength and provide backup and support as needed. Besides, don't you think you'll make sure nothing happens to him?"
"There's absolutely NO promise that I can survive everything that comes our way!" I yelled, "You said it yourself when I first started this. We come in here knowing there's a chance we'll die! And if I go, what will happen to him? Hm? If he can't defend himself, he'll die too, won't he?"
"Hey, man, calm down. Has Mitsuru-senpai ever led us the wrong way before?" Junpei asked, "Just trust her a little for once. She wouldn't deliberately try to get Bebe killed would she?"
I growled, pacing irritably. Bebe grabbed my arm and stopped me.
"Zey are right," he said, his expression completely serious, "Calm down."
As he stared me down, the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach returned. I could barely move. My body felt sort of weak trying to absorb it. Bebe narrowed his stare.
"Don't doubt yourself, and don't doubt me," he said quietly. My heart began wrenching. I hadn't even realized it, but I had been debasing Bebe the entire time. No…
"Then, I assume it's settled," Mitsuru said. Bebe watched me closely. I sighed and hung my head.
"Do as you wish…" I mumbled, yanking my arm away from him.
"Good," Mitsuru said, satisfied, "I'm glad you can agree."
"Whatever."
"Yeow," Junpei remarked, "I see who wears the pants in THAT relationship."
Bebe and I both looked at him quickly; him confused, I was irritated.
"Come again?" Bebe asked. Junpei laughed.
"I'm just having fun with you," he assured him, "You two are always acting like something's up."
"I don't understand," Bebe said quietly, frowning.
"You guys act gay!" Junpei said, very plainly, "You know, homosexual? Bromance? Kinda queer?"
"I-… I…" Bebe stuttered, disconcerted.
"Was that something they didn't teach you?" Junpei asked, clueless, "Oh. My bad. You wouldn't get the joke then. Sorry about that."
"Junpei!" Yukari barked.
She wasn't the only who was sensing it. Bebe was stressed out. He understood what was being said perfectly well. Junpei, you fricking idiot. Why can't you see it? Dammit, just LOOK!
Snap.
I couldn't control myself. I went at him, my fist clenched and ready to drive into his jaw.
"Saito! Get back!" Mitsuru screamed at me. I refused to listen to her. My fist drew back, and Junpei seemed to realize that I was going to assault. He started to back off quickly. You can run, but you can't hide.
I threw my fist forward. I blinked in mid-swing, and when I reopened my eyes Bebe stood between us. Miraculously, as if some sort of switch had been flipped or a brake had been put on, I froze. My fist stopped but an inch from Bebe's face.
"Don't you dare 'urt one of your friends," he said through his teeth.
His eyes were cold. He really was pissed off. I almost wanted him to yell, but he persisted with his quiet voice. It was a thousand times worse than scolding. Yell at me, curse at me, hit me… something… anything but this…
My arm fell back to my side and I collapsed to my knees. I covered my face with my shaking hands. I almost hit him… If I hadn't stopped when I did, I would have hurt the very person I was trying to protect. What was wrong with me?
I sat on my bed that night in a similar way. Bebe leaned against the wall, staring at me. Say something. Just do it. Call me an ass. Please? Verbally abuse me, physically abuse me. Just let me know you're angry.
After awhile of not saying anything, Bebe walked over to me and placed his hand on my forehead. I was back to burning again. Why kindness? Dammit, you're mad! Strike me!
He sighed and took his hand away, sitting beside me.
"So… we're back to where we started… per'aps furzer back zan zat…" he muttered. I sighed miserably, my hands still shaking. He took notice.
"You didn't feel feverish before we left," Bebe said softly, "But I suppose I could 'ave made a mistake… You're not well at all."
"It's mental," I said quietly. He looked at me strangely, so I explained, "I'm mentally ill. That has to be it."
He chuckled a little, rubbing my shoulder.
"I don't zink zat's eet," he said. He fell serious, "What's wrong…? You're so edgy today…"
I didn't want to explain the dream particularly, but I decided it would be best to explain everything else. And, hesitantly, I did. I told him how I had been worried about him being upset. How it felt like he was upset even though he didn't say anything to make me think so. How I couldn't shake it away.
He looked distressed.
"Tetsuya-sama, why didn't you tell me any of zis?" he asked, "I was never angry. Granted, I'm a little upset zat you almost 'it Junpei-sama, but I wasn't upset wiz you for being sick! If anyzing, I was 'appy zat I could 'elp you get better! I came in a few times to take care of you, and I zought your fever 'ad gone down!"
I looked away, sort of awkwardly.
"I really felt like you were mad…" I said, "I didn't want you to be, and it hurt me to think about it."
"So you talk!" Bebe said loudly. He seemed upset then, but not with me. He covered his face with his hands, groaning.
"I zought you knew you could talk to me about anyzing…" he mumbled, "Maybe you don't trust me…?"
Freezing bullets in my chest.
"I do trust you!" I insisted.
"Zen why?" Bebe asked, tears now pouring down his face, "I zought I gave you a ze impression zat you could talk to me when you were upset! Tell me when you're 'urt, tell me when you're sick, tell me when you're sad, angry-!"
I clung to him, burying my face in his shoulder. His chest shuddered as he cried, though he was quiet.
I had managed to stop my fist, but I had hurt him long before. I tried to keep quiet to avoid hurting him. I didn't even know what was right or wrong anymore… I was always sure of myself. I was always in control. But it seemed like everything was slowly slipping from my grasp and shattering on the floor into millions of fragments… I felt, for the first time, a little lost.
"I'm scared…" I said quietly, "Ever since I met you… I don't understand anything anymore. It's like… I'm not even the same person with you… I don't know why I feel what I feel. I don't know why I act the way I act. I don't know why I dream what I dream, or think what I think, say what I say…"
Bebe's arms wrapped tightly around me, his face burrowed in my hair. I sat for a moment, absorbing the warmth from his embrace. I thought about how long it had been before him. How long before he held me for the first time that I'd received or given someone a hug. I vaguely remembered my mother… Long enough, obviously.
There was something special about him… He wasn't like a mother or a father. He wasn't a sister or a brother. He wasn't even the same as a best friend. I had never felt like I needed to protect someone the way I felt with him. Bebe was important to me. If he was unhappy or dead, my life would be destroyed. Was it selfish to want him happy and alive?
I kept my gaze into his shoulder. I could tell it was warm, despite my burning face. I didn't know much at that point, but I knew enough. I closed my eyes and sighed.
"What I do know is…" I went on softly, "I've never met anyone like you… I'm happy when you're happy, and I hurt when you hurt. And… I'm afraid that if I take a false step, I'll lose you forever. I've never tried so hard to hold onto somebody before… I guess… I'm just kind of confused about why that is. And… being unsure scares me."
Bebe's arms left me and his hands took my cheeks, lifting my face a little. Our eyes met, and my face began to burn more intensely. The dream came back to mind. Was this… happening? He leaned forward and kissed my forehead, and then he held onto me a little longer.
"Tetsuya-sama…" he said, "Zat's called being 'uman. We can't understand everyzing, no matter 'ow smart we are… Why do you zink we fear death? We don't understand eet. But… I guess being unable to understand even your own feelings would be frightening…"
He was quiet for a moment.
"Do I really mean zat much to you?" he asked.
"Yes…" I replied, nodding a little.
For the first time since that night, Bebe smiled.
"You answered so quickly…" he chuckled, "Eet sounds like you're sure of zat."
He held on tighter.
"I would like to be able to understand you so I can give you all ze answers…" he said.
I looked back up at him.
"Then I'm going to ask you out again…" I said. He blushed.
"Why are you wording eet like zat…?" he asked. I shook my head.
"Never mind how it came out," I said, "I just… I want a second chance at this. I won't screw it up this time. I want to have just one day alone with you where we're both happy."
"Just like before?" Bebe smiled. I smiled back.
"Well… we know each other better now. I'd like us to be friends and not strangers," I said. Bebe laughed and ruffled my hair a little.
"No more 'iding," he chuckled, "I don't zink eizer of us 'ave kept zat promise very well."
I understood that I'd hid a lot from him, but I could only think of one other instance with him. Was there something else I didn't know?
Bebe pecked my cheek.
"Do we want to make plans for next Sunday, zen?" he asked. I nodded, smiling.
"Yeah."
I had something to look forward to again. I couldn't help but feel like the week would take forever to get there, though. Still, even if it was at the complete other end of the week, it gave me a reason to strive through the days. Just like how Bebe was my reason to stay alive.