A/N: It's hard to believe, but.. OMG I'VE WRITTEN THE NEXT CHAPTER! *HAPPY DANCE* I sincerely apologise to everyone I disappointed by not updating for a whole year(!), and by not answering your wonderful comments - I will try to catch up with them in the next few days! A lot of things have been going on in my life: I gave up on a relationship of six years, began a new one, quit a job, found a PhD place, quit the PhD place, found a new job, moved country, bought a hamster and got engaged - roughly in that order! *wipes forehead* But I never stopped thinking of this story, so I hope you will be able to forgive me. I am still determined to finish it.. preferably before I'm a married woman! I hope you will like this chapter, and thank you all for your loyalty :)))!
Do you see the fire, heavy lit before this time?
Know you the colours of the end, of the end, of the end?
In the midst of a moment can you break the boy,
can you tame the demon?
Light a candle in the dark, in the dark, in dark,
in the dark, light a candle in the dark, in dark, in dark, ooh..
(Alela Diane - To Begin)
This time, there was not a shadow of doubt in his mind. It had felt crystal clear ever since he had woken up. His hands did not shake as he listened to those familiar steps moving through the kitchen, accompanied by other faint, cluttering noises.
Familiar steps. Tenma clenched his jaw, his knuckles turning white as his fists tightened around the chain in his hands. The chain that held him prisoner for three endless days, that would now imprison him for a lifetime. But he had no choice. It had to be. It wasn't even killing. It was, in essence, euthanasia. Johan had not left him untied without a purpose. Johan..
The doctor could not hold back tears any longer. He would never be able to take the boy out of his heart again. But he could still take him out of his reach. Out of anybody's reach. Finally bring the outside world in harmony with the monster's inner world, that dark, mysterious place where he had failed to exist from the very beginning. After their last conversation, after finally being able to glance inside the imploding star that was Johan's soul, to understand his own role at the centre of that unstoppable gravitational collapse, Tenma could not fail to accept that this was the only thing that he could do for him. Something only he could do.
Tenma had no estimation of how long he had been waiting when Johan's steps finally left the kitchen and approached the bedroom door. And waiting seemed to be the wrong term. He was simply standing there, in a trance that put him outside of the space-time continuum. Yet he felt uniquely alert at the same time, despite the weakness in his body that hunger, lack of movement and the recent fever had caused.
The doctor wasn't hoping that he would be able to do it this time, to finish it with his own two hands, not hiding behind the scope of a rifle, just as the monster had predicted. Nor was he fearing it. He just knew it would finally happen. Because what drove him now weren't fury, disgust or a sense of duty. Times when those motives were of any importance seemed far away now. That was a different life. That was a different him. And now he felt nothing - nothing but sadness. The kind of pure, untainted sadness that he had never allowed to take over his soul before, the one that he had always successfully turned into empathy, or resolve, or even harder work. Until now.
The monster's steps paused on the other side of the door, and Tenma had no doubts that the young man knew what was to come. There had been enough opportunities to prepare for this, for both of them. The doctor tensed, thoughts suddenly racing. What if Johan had changed his mind and decided to leave? What if he had a gun? What if.. ?
The door creaked open, and Tenma rushed forward. The chain wrapped around the monster's neck so effortlessly, as if it were the most natural place for it to be. The older man gave a hoarse cry as he pulled both loose ends towards him with all his force, and the boy's arms flew up, thin fingers tugging at the metal around his throat as he made an indescribable stifled noise that chilled Tenma to the bone. The doctor clenched his eyes tightly shut as he leaned backwards against the wall, using his body weight to pull even harder..
Then Johan's knees gave in. The doctor automatically let go of the chain and caught him as he fell, carefully laying the limp body on the floor and kneeling besides it. He felt his unnatural calmness slowly starting to dissolve as he stretched out a trembling hand to cautiously remove the chain from the boy's pale throat, wincing at the sight of the marks that it had caused. The monster's neck wasn't broken. The boy was unconscious, but his chest was still moving up and down ever so slightly. Tenma just needed to wrap that outstretched hand around his throat and press down. It would not even hurt Johan anymore. He would just.. stop breathing.
Tenma furiously rubbed at his eyes. He had to stop his pointless tears and have a clear look at that immaculate face, just one last time, before he would remove it from the world. He.. Suddenly, he remembered Johan's words:
"I won't allow you to break until you have killed me with your own two hands.."
It all made sense now. Tenma had not just swallowed every single one of his captor's baits, no, he had swallowed the nameless monster itself, and now it was so deep, so deep inside him, so hopelessly entangled in his nerve cords and arteries, and pulling it out would mean..
"..and then you will finally be able to look at me.. you will understand.."
Yes, once he would have killed the one he had brought back to life.. the one that brought him.. to life..
The doctor could see it now, the nothingness, that endless, barren, hollow landscape.. It was the end. Not the end of something specific, not even the end of existence, or the world. Simply the end. And in an instance, all the adrenaline that held him upright boiled over and evaporated from his blood, the last ounce of strength leaving him, and Tenma dropped onto Johan's chest, his body shaking in breathless sobs. He did not even have the strength to cry out loud, to cry out the name that the boy liked to hear from his lips, even though that name was tearing his chest apart, he did not even..
"Rea.. lly.. you're.. no good.. at this.."
The doctor froze. It was just a whisper, but it reverberated through the hollowness inside him like a drum roll. Slowly, very slowly, he lifted his head, as if pulled by invisible threads.
Johan..
Johan lay stretched out on the floor before him, ruffled blond hair luminous against the dark carpet, clear blue eyes half open, cold mountain lakes shaded by velvety eyelashes, skin as white as the virgin snow on the peaks above, except for those dark red marks.. He had never looked more terrifyingly beautiful, more alluring, so incongruously and so heartbreakingly fragile. An indiscernible whimpering sound escaped Tenma as the chain slipped from his fingers, seemingly tightening around his own throat.
"Well.. doctor.. ?" Johan's whisper was painfully hoarse. "What will you.. do now?"
The monster did not sound reproachful, or frightened, or even surprised. He did not move either, calmly observing the older man from underneath his long lashes, waiting. And Tenma gaped back at him, still unable to stop the tears, his insides trembling like overstrung springs moments before being let loose. He realised that, until this very moment, he had known nothing of despair. Or love.
"Yes.. kiss or kill.. what a truly.. existential choice.. you have to ma- "
"Oh just SHUT up and –"
The doctor had no idea what he wanted to say, and it hardly mattered. His mouth was already violently crushed into Johan's smirk, less in a kiss than an acute need to reassure himself that the boy was there, alive, breathing.. He brought two shaky hands up to cradle Johan's pale face in his palms as he pressed his lips into the boy's bruised neck, letting the comforting rhythm of a faint yet steady pulse hum against them until his sobs finally began to die down. That rhythm was calling him, like the beat of a primeval drum reverberating through the most sultry, impenetrable rain forest..
Blood shot into Tenma's head, washing away the few stray thoughts that still lingered there. He needed more, more of that skin he was hungrily breathing in, like the scent of a first mild spring morning after a barren winter. And before he knew it his fingers were already sliding down to the collar of Johan's shirt, clumsily fumbling at it for a few moments, then tugging impatiently. One of the buttons that flew off hit him hard on the chin, yet the pain did not register. He buried his face in that irresistible scent, sucked every millimetre of warm skin into his mouth, ignoring his aching lungs that were crying out for air. His hands trembled as they stroked over the boy's smooth chest, stomach, the thin line of hair leading downwards from his belly button.. God, how he had always, always wanted him!
When Tenma's fingers reached the rim of Johan's trousers, he didn't even bother with the button. The boy underneath him remained as lifeless as a doll, not rejecting him, but not encouraging him either as the older man pulled down the rest of his clothing in one jerky movement. He simply let the doctor have his way, and Tenma did not hesitate for a second as he undid his own trousers, roughly spreading the boy's legs with the empty-headed determination of a sleepwalker. He heard his own heavy breathing seemingly coming from afar, his face nuzzled into Johan's soft neck once again. So long.. He had been waiting for so long. Tenma clasped the boy's shoulders, pushing him into the floor as he took him with one raw thrust. He gasped, overwhelmed..
And then there was another noise, a stifled whimper. It was barely noticeable, yet it brought Tenma back to his senses like a bucketful of icy water emptied over his head. The realisation of what he did just now hit him like a punch in the stomach, of how he did it, more brutally than even the monster himself had been. He froze, feeling sick with both disgust and arousal, the breathtakingly tight heat that clenched around him making his head reel. He was unspeakably terrified to lift his sweaty face from the nook of Johan's neck where it was hiding in shame. But he had to look at his victim.
The boy's head was leaned back, an aureole of hair surrounding his angelic face, composed except for his eyebrows that were slightly drawn together. Yet the doctor knew even the tiniest features of that face too well by now. He could not fail to notice the two thin wet streaks at the outer corners of the monster's closed eyes, the wetness that made his lashes stick together.
"J-Jo.. han..?"
It was all that Tenma could stammer before being cut off by those eyes that fluttered open, an overflowing arctic ocean that focused on him, on him alone, dangerous and captivating and ringing with sirens' songs. Looking into Johan's eyes while being inside of him made the older man feel weightless, breathless, a thousand wonderful kinds of '-less', but..
"S-sorry, I.. I didn't mean to.."
The whole ridiculousness of the doctor's helpless attempt to explain himself was instantly reflected in the mocking curl of the monster's mouth, its irony tinted with pain.
"What.. kill me.. or fuck me..?"
Tenma flinched like from a slap in the face. Just what.. what the hell was he doing? He didn't want this, any of it, no, he had to stop, stop now, JUST STOP! Yet the boy was wrapped around him so tightly the older man could feel his inner muscles twitch, sending the most tantalising shivers down his spine. The urge to move, to rub himself deeper into those hot, slick walls was so unbearable it made him light-headed. Yet the sheer thought of it, of what had caused that slickness, was little short of nauseating. And Johan continued to hold the doctor's eyes in yet another merciless grip, indulging in his favourite cocktail of guilt and desire that Tenma never failed to provide for him.
"Aah.. Doctor Tenma.. so kind and hesitant.. even.. in the middle of screwing.. is that the true reason why.. Eva dumped you?"
Even now, even pressed into the floor beneath him, his voice breaking up in pain, that brat still managed to provoke and insult him!
Tenma growled, withdrawing to the tip, only to roughly bury himself inside the boy once again. He succeeded in eliciting a stronger reaction from the monster this time. Johan arched his shoulders as he threw back his head with a hoarse gasp, eyes wide open.
".. yes .. show me.."
It was all the encouragement the doctor needed. Oh yes, he would show that smug devil just how kind he was!
He clawed one hand into the carpet, the other around Johan's shoulder, leaning away just far enough to be able to closely watch that mesmerizing face as he began to move inside the boy with barely controlled force. Those beautiful small gasps and flinching eyebrows elicited by each angry thrust sent jolts of pure electricity through the older man. He could not even tell if Johan was actually enjoying what he had undoubtedly asked for, but he did not really care either way. To be able to draw such instant, raw reactions from that faultlessly controlled monster was so unspeakably satisfying it drove him into the most blissful madness, seduced him into finally following his most despicable, primal instincts, urges that seemed to wholly contradict his nature: fury, vengefulness, unrestrained lust.. It had to be Johan's greatest triumph yet, his ultimate victory. Yes, Tenma was fully aware of it.. he just couldn't care less. He was burning, burning to possess that cold, beguiling, cruel creature, completely, to finally pay him back for all the pain and humiliation, for everything that he had done to the world, and to him, to feel the monster, and to make him feel, anything, pain at the very least..
The doctor groaned at the dizzying waves of pleasure his hungry, impatient strokes brought, shoulders curved, toes slamming into the floor to allow him to push in harder and harder, to drive even deeper into the monster he finally had in his power. He pressed Johan's legs further apart with his hips as if trying to split him in two, mercilessly increasing the rhythm until he could feel that immaculate body shake underneath him with each violent thrust, until the monster's restrained gasps finally turned into the most arousing pained, breathless moans, sounds Tenma had never expected to escape from those mocking lips. Until his victim could not take it anymore. Suddenly, Johan's hand darted up, fingernails desperately digging into the arm Tenma had placed next to his head, the boy's face turning to tightly press into his wrist.
"Ngh.. Doct-.. Haa-.."
Tenma jerked and shuddered, painfully clenching his teeth as he came so unexpectedly and powerfully his body seemed to explode into a universe of dancing stars. He clasped at Johan's shoulder, as if to stop himself from dissolving. And as he lay there, panting heavily, trying to put all of those throbbing fragments back together to understand what the hell was going on, a second scalding wave came crashing down on him without warning. It wasn't even shame for sleeping with the monster - or with a boy only half his age. Somehow, those worries paled in comparison with the shock of having discovered such an immoral, animalistic streak within himself, a part of him that could act with such ruthlessness, that could enjoy exerting power and causing pain. Such terrible pain. He knew it all too well from his own experience. And what he did just now proved the monster right, proved that Tenma was not a jot better than him, that they were the same.
I can see you..
Tenma violently shook his head, trying hard to regain his senses, to regain himself, looking down at the gorgeous, damp face pressing into the sensitive skin of his wrist, eyes clenched tight, hot exhales hitting his pulse.. The doctor's heart was pounding so uncontrollably and in so many places at once it turned his body into an earthquake.
No.. that's.. that's not it..
He finally released Johan's shoulder, shaky fingers stretching out on an impulse to sink into that crown of ruffled blond, only to jerk back, as if burning himself on melting hot gold.
.. all of this only happens because.. I am trying to suppress.. what I want.. so badly..
All of a sudden, the doctor felt painfully shy, which seemed rather absurd considering that he was still nestled deep inside the boy. Yet that frenzy of furious passion had already been washed away by a feeling of tenderness so overwhelming it would have swept him off his feet, were he not already on the floor. In more than one way.
.. what I need.. more than anything in the world..
The older man held his breath as he finally dared to reach out, a little clumsily, to stroke through Johan's hair, reveling in the way its silky texture felt underneath his fingertips. The boy's pale, bruised neck was turned towards him so trustingly now, a poignant reminder of the crime he had almost committed. Tenma bowed down to timidly press his lips to its fragile curve, as if asking it for forgiveness. Was that his reward for enduring days of torturous, enforced intimacy with the monster? An unexpected recompense for almost drowning in those icy waters that reflected a perfectly clear image of himself, a picture he had never dared to look at before in such detail? Was it even thinkable that Tenma had misinterpreted the boy's intentions all along, that all of the events of the past three days had been ultimately geared towards preparing the older man for this inestimable gift: being handed full control of the boy's destiny, being allowed to touch such impossible perfection, to get inside when no-one else was permitted to even come close..?
Or maybe it was simply the last, well-planned move in the monster's cruel game of chess, the one that finally put his victim checkmate, cleverly using the doctor's own pieces to block off all escapes?
What did it matter now? Tenma had already laid down his crown at Johan's feet a long time ago, probably the very night he first met him as a grown-up, the moment he looked into that remote face that defied all laws of nature, of society, even of humanity itself, the face that brutally sucked him in without return. He gave up his life to follow that face. Of course, he had succeeded in convincing himself that what urged him on was the duty to kill the monster. But truth was, he hardly had a choice. What was it that Johan wished him to do right now? The doctor craved to play his assigned role perfectly at last. He had probably failed to cause the boy anything but pain so far, so maybe..
Tenma swallowed, hesitating for a second, then cautiously slipping a hand in between them. The older man's heart skipped an erratic beat when his fingers reached and tentatively wrapped around their destination, then hammered wildly inside his chest as Johan jerked and sharply drew in air underneath him. It made the doctor wonder whether he would survive all of this, not even from a psychological, but from a purely physical point of view. Not that it wasn't worth dying for. It did not even feel as weird as he would have imagined. And to be able to hold a literally firm proof that he was doing something right in his very hand, throbbing against his palm.. there were no words.
Though maybe it wasn't what Johan had expected him to do after all, since his head spun around to finally face the doctor again, and for a second Tenma thought that he would be commanded to stop. He gave the boy no chance to protest, letting his hand slide up with not too light pressure, observing in awe as Johan's eyes widened, his fingers curling into the older man's arm as he gave a breathy mewl that sounded stunned, almost helpless. The boy's face was blushed, yet still remarkably composed, but the way he was now looking at the doctor out of big blue eyes.. that still ocean was swaying and trembling, as if from a mysterious, hot current that ran closer to the surface with every slow stroke of Tenma's hand. The doctor completely forgot everything around him as he watched the monster's mask begin to crack and dissolve. Johan's face was opening up beautifully as he was visibly losing control over his body that was involuntarily pressing up into the older man's hand. It was like watching layer after layer of wafer-thin, almost sheer curtains being lifted to gradually reveal a stage, occupied by a play so complex and intriguing it had Tenma too enthralled to even notice that he was growing hard once again.
The realisation came as Johan gasped and shifted underneath him, sincere surprise joining the many traces of entirely human emotions that were now flickering across his face in a stunning and utterly disorderly fashion. Tenma felt his cheeks burn, unsure whether to be embarrassed or amazed; he would not have thought that recovering so quickly was even possible at his age.
".. I'm sorry.. I.."
Johan's hand found its way up the older man's arm to glide across his face, unsteady fingers pressing against his mouth. Not that there was anything Tenma actually wanted to say. All that he wanted right now.. Why was he still hesitating, why did the thought of kissing Johan make him feel so incredibly nervous it caused his insides to twist and shake? Maybe because he realised that despite all the unspeakable things that had already happened between them, Johan had never attempted to kiss him deeply, never enforced this last, ultimate intimacy upon him. No, he was patiently waiting for his captive to admit crushing defeat on his own free will. Or maybe not so patiently right now. If those eyes did not belong to Johan, the monster, Tenma could have sworn that they were begging him.. And who was he to tell them 'no'?
With sudden resolve, the doctor pressed his mouth into the pale fingers that still lingered there, before bowing down, shakily.. Johan did not remove his hand until their faces were only centimeters away from each other, and not without slowly rubbing his fingertips along the doctors lips, gently pulling them apart. He had Tenma trembling with anticipation when the older man was finally allowed to softly brush his mouth against Johan's own.
If this was defeat, then all victory could rot in hell.
Tenma's eyes fluttered shut as he sank into the kiss with a resigned yet infinitely contented sigh. For a few moments, the boy underneath him remained still, then he stirred, pressing his own soft, inviting lips up against the doctor's, cautiously, almost shyly. Warm fingers trailed along the older man's cheek to lightly wrap around the nape of his neck, holding him to the kiss.. as if he could ever get away! Tenma purred in pure bliss, tenderly rubbing his lips against Johan's before pulling them into his mouth, as if finally indulging in the most delicious candy he had been lusting after all his life, without even realising.
The doctor rested the elbow of his supporting arm on the floor, tangling his hand in silky hair as he slowly let himself sink down onto the boy, deepening the kiss. He was almost nauseous with excitement when his tongue brushed against Johan's teeth before pressing them further apart to slip in between, finding and hungrily wrapping itself around Johan's own surprisingly guarded tongue. The boy seemed to have told the truth when confessing that he had never kissed anyone before. It took a few moments before he began to respond, but when he did, when he opened his mouth a little wider, yielding to the doctor's will, his tongue nudging against Tenma's own in between whimpers..
They were so close now that Tenma could feel the boy shiver when he resumed the movements of his hand and hips with long, smooth strokes. This time, the older man was determined to fully savour and absorb every second of this dazzling, surreal intimacy, like parched sand that hungrily sucks in salty waves, willfully oblivious of being drawn into the sea, grain by heated grain. He tried hard to hold back moans in order to be able to listen to the softer sounds that Johan was making in the short intervals that the doctor released those wet, trembling lips, the fingers of his caressing hand feeling more lubricated by the second. And suddenly, Johan jerked and struggled, hastily pulling an arm from underneath the older man to hide his face in the crook of his elbow.
"No.." Tenma panted, seizing that rebellious arm with his free hand and determinedly pinning both of the boy's thin wrists above his head.
"Let me.. look at you.. Johan.."
The doctor's body lit up head to toe like a giant sparkler when he saw the expression in Johan's eyes. They were looking up at him, helplessly, but trustingly, shaking with unexpected fear, but glowing with even more foreign feelings, unlocked.
"It's.. what you wanted.. Johan.."
It was only now that the older man realised the whole extent of his physical superiority; it required little effort to hold down the squirming, gasping boy, without losing his steadily increasing rhythm. That Johan had managed to keep him on his knees for three long days by means of little more than mere chutzpah was indeed astonishing. But deep down, things have been different from the very start. Tenma was the one in control, because he was the one who could bestow a name upon the monster, and make him believe it was his. Even if for a second. And it was this, this very second! The moment that the last sheer layer of ice dissolved in that iridescent blue and let Tenma dive into its very core, past the deep sea monsters, down to a deserted ocean bed, to the wrecks of proud ships that lay sunk there, and deeper still, to the treasure chests that lay untouched inside them..
".. Kenz-.. aaah.."
The doctor pressed his wet, salty face into Johan's, breathing in his cries, feeling the boy shudder violently underneath him, and around him, almost crushing him in his arms when he came a second time, unspeakably more satisfying. There was no guilt, no remorse, there were no doubts; only Johan's hands in his hair, Johan's soft skin flush against his own, Johan's breath in his lungs, Johan's pulse in his own heart.
Time was stretching like strands of hot toffee.
This could last forever..
"Don't you think.. you've been in there.. long enough now?"
The boy's soft voice did not even make a half-hearted attempt to drape the potential mockery with a suitably ironic tone.
"No", Tenma whispered.. then tried again, painfully pulling his brain out of its state of hibernation. "Yes."
He withdrew, sitting up and watching the boy get on his feet, make a few steps, sway and clutch the door frame for support. His inner thighs were stained with blood.
"I will run us a bath."
"I'm not going to..", Tenma began, then realised that he was speaking on autopilot rather than in sincere protest. He fell silent.
"Oh.. would that be too much intimacy for you, Doctor Tenma, after you just screwed me.. twice?"
The doctor could not help but smile. The monster was recovering. But it could not affect him anymore. Not after where he's been, not after what he found there. He mustered Johan's exposed back, as if seeing him for the very first time, suddenly realising that the boy's body was not as perfect as he had imagined. His frame was a little too thin, a defect easily concealed by his manner of dressing, and there was an adorable sprinkle of light freckles on his lower back. It made him all the more beautiful in the older man's eyes.
"Could we leave the 'Doctor Tenma' already?", the doctor suggested simply.
Johan gave a soft chuckle and disappeared from his sight, leaving the two doors that separated them now wide open.
"I thought your first name was reserved for family and close friends.."
Johan's voice was almost drowned out by the sound of water running into the bath.
".. and lovers?"
Tenma closed his eyes.
"Well.. it's not as if you haven't used it already."
He listened to the comforting gushing sounds.
"Fine then. Kenzou."
A/N: I hope to be able to put the next chapter up quite soon. I promise it won't be a year! :) Please let me know what you think.. I'm afraid I lost the characters a bit. I will have to re-watch Monster now!
EDIT: I put another poll on my profile.. I like polls! :) Please vote.